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Original poster

Does anyone have one child due to these reasons?

77 replies

DiamondsandSapphire · 29/08/2022 07:32

Single parent to 4 year old. Ex has sporadic contact. Apparently he's doing more in the coming months but we shall see. I have a partner and did consider having another child but honestly I'm put off because alot of it is hard work?
The pregnancy, the risks, the baby stage, tantrums, nursery runs. Having to plan if you want to go anywhere. Love my.child but I don't think I could do that level of work again.

OP posts:
Original poster
DiamondsandSapphire · 29/08/2022 11:16

I'm not an only child but i was lonely growing up so who knows lol.

OP posts:
DreamToNightmare · 29/08/2022 11:21

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/08/2022 11:01

I am welling up because I would have loved to have this sort of relationship with my sibling. As is, I am nc for my own physical protection.

Show quote history

I’m really sorry to hear that and it must be awful to grieve for something you had wanted but sadly couldn’t have.

Sibling relationships can be really complex and I think it plays a big part in whether someone wants to have more children. I have a sister who is only 1 year and 3 weeks older than me and so we grew up together at every stage of our lives and so we are very close, and I wanted my first child to have that too.

The age gap is bigger between my two as it took a while to conceive number 2, but I’m still lucky that they have such a lovely relationship. I do worry though that as my eldest gets older he won’t want his ‘annoying little brother’ hanging around and so I expect their relationship will deteriorate a little at that point and all I will be able to do is hope they come back together again when they’re in their 20’s.

As your story shows though, there is no guarantee that siblings will go on to have a positive relationship with each other which is why it is such a gamble to choose to have another child to give your first a sibling.

firsttimemummy40 · 29/08/2022 11:24

I have an 18 month old (I'm 41 in Nov) and I don't think as much as I'd like another one I could do it again! I haven't had a full nights sleep in 18 months and so I think a newborn would kill me off.

I think my age is a huge factor! Maybe if I was able to wait 2/3 years but lots of reasons why I wouldn't want to be trying for a baby in a few years.

I'm EXHAUSTED!

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Original poster
DiamondsandSapphire · 29/08/2022 14:26

It's weird I didn't find the baby part hard. I think I was so relieved that he was born and ok! Now it seems harder and I don't know why ! It's hard when you love them so much It's the worry.

OP posts:
Spudlet · 29/08/2022 15:38

Chikapu · 29/08/2022 09:22

I don't have children, completely by choice. I never felt any pressure from society to change my mind, can you expand on that?

I remember years ago, when DS was small, seeing a thread on here by someone who was a SAHM to an only child (I was
too, so I remember it). I can’t remember exactly what the thread was about, but I do remember a very snotty post saying that ‘one child was hardly a full time job’. The implication was clearly that anyone with one child just wasn’t pulling their weight / doing it right. (Also, I’m not sure that the poster thought you should do with your only child to make them into a part time thing - store them in a cupboard maybe?).

It’s not just here either - I was still bleeding from giving birth and limping from unresolved PGP, and people were asking me when I’d be having another! And refusing to believe me when I said I wouldn’t be - ‘oho, you’ll change your mind’ sort of thing. So there is definitely an expectation that only children are outliers.

Cyw2018 · 29/08/2022 15:50

DiamondsandSapphire · 29/08/2022 07:32

Single parent to 4 year old. Ex has sporadic contact. Apparently he's doing more in the coming months but we shall see. I have a partner and did consider having another child but honestly I'm put off because alot of it is hard work?
The pregnancy, the risks, the baby stage, tantrums, nursery runs. Having to plan if you want to go anywhere. Love my.child but I don't think I could do that level of work again.

DD (4.5) is an only child many reasons, including some of the ones you listed.

DH has always been adament (before TTC) that we would only have the one.
Pregnancy - I had HG, the though of going through it again with a small child to care for at the same time fills me with horror
Risks - I am in my 40s now so risks go up, as does the probability of multiples.
Baby stage -I acutally found this easy
Tantrums - haven't been too bad
Nursery runs - Okay with this side of things

However now DD is starting school, able to join us on adventures and becoming more independent by the day, the thought of going back to the baby stage is extremely unappealing.

I see DD with her friends of similar ages and feel a little sad for her sometimes, but was able to arrange playdates with other only children this summer and she was happy. At her age now there would be a 5+ year age gap if we had another anyway, so I think that reason is largely irrelevant now.

The plus side of her being an only child are massive, we can afford to do so much with her and give her lots of oppurtunities, and in the future support with uni (if thats what she chooses) and house deposit, in a way that we wouldn't with more than one.

OP do what's right for you and your DC and no one else.

Original poster
DiamondsandSapphire · 29/08/2022 18:48

I sometimes feel sad when I see ds with other kids and with sibling groups but I remind myself if I had another child it could kick up other issues ie. That child is with his biological mum and dad whereas ds is shipped off to his dad sporadically.

OP posts:
Solosunrise · 29/08/2022 19:01

I think you can have an only child for any reason you like. I am not an only, and i have 3 (adult) children. We know many 'onlies' though, and they are all perfectly well rounded individuals. Well,no more or less than my lot and their frends who di have siblings. There are benefits and drawbacks both ways.
If you don't want another child, please don't give into pressure from other people. It's your body, with having the baby, and your life that it will impact Flowers

Original poster
DiamondsandSapphire · 29/08/2022 19:58

I hate being an overthinker.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 29/08/2022 20:02

Agree with everything you just said. One is plenty. I have no idea how people manage more than 1. They must be super human!

RortyDogOfTheRemove · 29/08/2022 20:05

Treacletoots · 29/08/2022 20:02

Agree with everything you just said. One is plenty. I have no idea how people manage more than 1. They must be super human!

Not at all. More than one is just more of the same. I found that having one was very hard. Having more children was way easier (and, in fact, way nicer, even if they spend all their time fighting).

Original poster
DiamondsandSapphire · 29/08/2022 21:50

😍

OP posts:
BEAM123 · 29/08/2022 22:19

If you are happy with one and not keen on a second, I would honestly leave it there.
As you say it's a lot of hard work, and there is no guarantee how the second child could be - they could have additional needs and if you are borderline as to whether you could cope with two or not, it could be even harder if there happened to be any extra needs.

The bit about a single child being lumbered when you are old....again there's no guarantee that if you had two, both would be able, willing or local to help.

I'd put your energy and commitment into giving the best for the one you have.

We tend to feel pressure to have two to give the first one company, but when you think about it that's a daft reason.

NoEffingWay · 30/08/2022 09:26

I went through a good few years when I wanted another but it didn't happen and now I am pleased I have the one. He is growing up and I get to go out and leave the house occasionally. Financially we only have to clothe and feed one child.

The school holidays in the summer were a bit long for him as he misses his friends and there's only so much I can do to entertain him Grin.

Original poster
DiamondsandSapphire · 31/08/2022 07:12

Thanks for your replies. I do have depression and am an overthinker so this is a nightmare. I also had a placental abruption with my son and he was prem. His dad dips in and out of fatherhood and is still his favourite

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 31/08/2022 07:15

I have a big gap between my DC. After the 1st, I swore I wouldn’t have any more. For all the reasons the OP gives. Once I met my DH2, we discussed another - he wanted a child so I agreed. DC1 was 10 at the time. It’s worked out really well and would highly recommend it!

Original poster
DiamondsandSapphire · 31/08/2022 11:35

10 years is too much of a gap for me. I'd be too old lol

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 31/08/2022 14:19

If you don't want another child, don't have one. Your reasons are valid and if your current partner is cool about not having his own child, fine.

I wanted two or three but only had one. I have no regrets, mine always had good friends and social life, still does, wasn't lonely.

Your little one will not be the only 'only child' at school. Just make sure you keep open house as far as possible so that his or her friends are always welcome - and relax about it.

Be warned - you will feel broody from time to time but do let common sense prevail. Remember, you are blessed with a child, some people can't have any and all they want is a baby.

Evenstar · 31/08/2022 14:30

I had three, but my youngest was a bit younger than his siblings and formed a lovely friendship group with two only children. They loved coming to our busy house with siblings (and their friends) and lots of pets, but DS also got taken out with their families to keep them company on outings. I think what I want to say is that they had the best of both worlds and once children go to school and do after school clubs they will find others to supply the benefits of siblings.

gatehouseoffleet · 31/08/2022 15:53

The only downside I have experienced of being an only is right now. My mum needs an eye operation and will be put on a cancellation list. She could be called next week or in six months' time. When she has the op, she will need to be looked after (when my aunt had something similar, my cousin looked after her for a week). That means I can't book a holiday because I don't know when it will be and a cancellation won't be covered by insurance as I know about it. If I had a sibling I could coordinate with them to make sure there was cover for my week's holiday.

Other than that - nothing.

Sunnytwobridges · 31/08/2022 16:32

Parenting wasn't the joy that I thought it would be. So it turned me off from having another one. I don't like playing with and entertaining kids. I love my alone time, and not having anyone depend on me 24/7, I couldn't imagine doing that all again.

Original poster
DiamondsandSapphire · 31/08/2022 19:48

Sunnytwobridges · 31/08/2022 16:32

Parenting wasn't the joy that I thought it would be. So it turned me off from having another one. I don't like playing with and entertaining kids. I love my alone time, and not having anyone depend on me 24/7, I couldn't imagine doing that all again.

I'm the same at times. I really thought I'd be a better mother.

OP posts:
Cabsnotlint · 31/08/2022 19:59

I have one also I did consider at the same to have another with his dad at that time. But life was busy and he did F all... so I can relate to you feeling like you've always done it all.

DS is now 7 and I'm single. Honestly I do get broody and I love the baby stage... but judging childcare is not a joke and neither is the risk of it not working out with a new partner and being left with 2 kids. I also miscarried in 2018 maybe not meant to be..

DS dad does EOW and is reliable. Which has enabled me to pick a 2nd job up. There's nothing wrong with 1 DC. I look forward to my Grandkids (Hopefully a few!).

Pawtucketbrew · 31/08/2022 20:12

Found baby and toddler stage quite boring and took a lot of work. I need a lot of quiet time so knew quite quickly that one was enough. DD is now 10 and so easy. I can't imagine all the hard work of having a second now. Also can't imagine having to split my attention between two. I think it's my personality but one is just perfect for me whereas lots of people like a big noisy family. You have to do what suits you and what you can manage.

IHeartPepsi · 31/08/2022 20:49

I only have one for all the reasons you listed plus plenty more and ultimately I don't love parenthood! It's a bloody hard slog with little reward a lot of the time.

I try extremely hard but it doesn't come naturally to me and I definitely wouldn't be a good mother to more than one child with all of their demands!

Ultimately I'm glad I had one and that I've got to experience it but it's definitely enough for me.

I also know a LOT of one child families, it's definitely becoming the norm.