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Original poster

Online friend dying

41 replies

Cupofteaonesugar · 28/08/2022 20:51

Just needing to air my feelings.
I made friends with a girl online during lockdown. We are both single parents and have children similar ages.
I don't have any other single parent friends, she really has been the only one to really get me and give me the support and voice notes I've needed!
We've met up but chat more on messenger as she isn't local to me.
She had cancer last year. She rang the bell but it returned. Her chemo treatment didn't work initially and last week I stopped hearing from her.
She's posted online breifly she's in a hospice.
I don't know any of her friends or family to be kept up to date which is absolutely understandable, as I said I'm not local and they wouldn't even know me but I just feel like I've been hit like a bus.
I probably won't get to message her again.
I just feel so very deeply sad 😢

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 28/08/2022 20:57

Are you sure this is genuine? Sorry to ask
it just seems a bit convoluted

Original poster
Cupofteaonesugar · 28/08/2022 21:01

Of course it's real but thank you for a supportive reply.

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 28/08/2022 21:03

Fair enough it just reads a bit sus
so if she s posted online about her illness surely her friends,family replied? You’d see the replies and perhaps can ask them for an update

BertieBotts · 28/08/2022 21:03

If you know which hospice, you could send a message to the staff and say "I am a friend of XXX's, we met online and bonded as we are both lone parents and have children, I wanted to express condolence to her family and here are my contact details in case they would like to get in touch."

You're not asking for any private info to be revealed, just a message to be passed on. I agree to be cautious as not everyone online is always being honest and some can build up a story over several years, but I don't see the harm in reaching out if you would like to. If it turns out she doesn't exist/isn't really ill, then the hospice staff will be baffled but no harm done.

Zone2NorthLondon · 28/08/2022 21:06

data protection, and privacy staff won’t confirm the woman’s status or if they know her
but if she’s posted online about her health decline and palliative care surely friends and family will reply too?

SmileyClare · 28/08/2022 21:07

If you know her name and the area she lives in, it's quite likely you could track down a friend or family member simply to ask if you could send a gift to the hospice? A soothing candle, flowers or a soft blanket?

You may even be able to track down the hospice yourself.

If you're not comfortable doing that then maybe write her a letter thanking her for being a great friend and what she meant to you and don't sent it. That might help you to come to terms with things x

Original poster
Cupofteaonesugar · 28/08/2022 21:07

There's no possibility she doesn't exist.
She is a friend who I have met in person, met her son, spoke to most days and I've been very close with. She lives like an hour away from me.
I can't believe I would post on here and that be the type of reply I would get.
I don't have many people in RL to speak to at the present moment.
That response has really upset me. Shouldn't have looked for support on here clearly.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 28/08/2022 21:08

Please message her
She may have longer than you think.

I am sorry Flowers

Hugasauras · 28/08/2022 21:08

OP has met up with her so she definitely exists! Sorry, OP, that sounds really hard. I agree with maybe contacting someone from her social media and explaining that you are a friend and just want to know how she is. Online friends are friends like any other.

Hugasauras · 28/08/2022 21:09

And I would keep messaging. She may be unable to reply but can still read them or family members might be able to read them to her Flowers

Original poster
Cupofteaonesugar · 28/08/2022 21:10

I know the hospice she is in but I'm just respecting her family and friends privacy right now as not much is being posted online understandably so I don't want to message anyone and cause any upset.
Hundred of people have responded to her post, we also did a big fundraiser for her last year to help her with her treatment so I'll find updates there.
This pair wasn't really about the updates as such, just about loosing a friend at such a young age. I've never lost a close friend before.

OP posts:
MumofSpud · 28/08/2022 21:10

Cupofteaonesugar · 28/08/2022 21:07

There's no possibility she doesn't exist.
She is a friend who I have met in person, met her son, spoke to most days and I've been very close with. She lives like an hour away from me.
I can't believe I would post on here and that be the type of reply I would get.
I don't have many people in RL to speak to at the present moment.
That response has really upset me. Shouldn't have looked for support on here clearly.

So sorry for your loss - it must be all the more difficult if the one line of communication has now gone
Sadly, the state of the world now, there have been cases where similar things have happened and not been real - I don't think PPs are malicious they are just cautious

Badger1970 · 28/08/2022 21:10

I've played Words with Friends for years, and made friends with an American lady. She added me on FB and we chatted for about 2 years. She shared photos of her family and her life out there, as did I. She hadn't been on for ages when her son posted that she'd had a massive stroke and died after a few weeks in hospital. I was so sad, and yet oddly grateful that I knew what had happened to her.

I'm sorry your friend is so poorly. That must be really crap.

SucculentSunshine · 28/08/2022 21:12

I experienced similar. It was a man I had seen a few times, the relationship wasn’t going anywhere but we spent time together as friends over a period of several months. Noone in either of our RL knew about the other. He died suddenly and tragically and I had no one to talk to.
I made contact through FB through his page as colleagues and friends commented.
Try to make contact with someone, it will really help.

yonce · 28/08/2022 21:13

Hi OP, I think the posters aren't disputing that she exists, more they're wondering if it's a honest story about her current situation - I'm sorry it's upsetting to you, I think it is often publicised in the news when a story like this is false so that is the narrative people might expect when reading your original post.

If you are close friends who message often and have met up, then I am sure her family would welcome a message from you checking on her, or offering support. You might find it comforting to still message her phone too, even if she isn't able to respond you can still send her your thoughts and wishes. I hope you're able to find a way to communicate, even if it's just messaging her number or sending positive thoughts her way.

yonce · 28/08/2022 21:15

* posted too soon

If you are able to, you might be able to make a donation to the hospice in her name, I have done this previously. I hope you're able to find some support, I can't imagine how tough it is to be unable to go and see her. Sending very very un-mumsnetty positive thoughts your way.

SmileyClare · 28/08/2022 21:18

Allow yourself to grieve. I'm sure she treasured your friendship too.
You might like to have something to remember her by? You could plant something in your garden or plant forget-me-not seeds in a pretty pot.

Sorry you've lost a good friend Flowers

Wingingit15 · 28/08/2022 21:37

Op I am sorry, that’s really hard and as a fellow SP, I know how rare it is to find people who really “get” your life. Take care of yourself 💐

blackpearwhitelilies · 28/08/2022 21:41

I’m so sorry, OP. That sounds really hard and very lonely.
i’m sure your friend would want you to be good to yourself too, so if you do something like buy her a nice candle, if you can afford it maybe buy one for yourself too, and think of her when you light it.

Zone2NorthLondon · 28/08/2022 21:47

I apologise @Cupofteaonesugar if I inadvertently upset you
your op is scant on detail and yes I did query the authenticity
in no way did I mean to upset you

Dinoteeth · 28/08/2022 21:49

Op message her phone and ask how she is, chances are someone else will be keeping an eye on it. And will be able to see your previous correspondence.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/08/2022 21:50

I think it would be fine to message her and say you were thinking of her. If you know which hospice she is in you can send a card with your return address so the family can contact you if she has mentioned you to them.

I think it is understandable that people asked how much you knew about her - unfortunately when we meet people online and don't know their family or friends then there are risks attached.

HilarityEnsues · 28/08/2022 21:53

This is such a hard situation for you, and for her obviously, I'm so sorry. It's a very abrupt end to a lovely friendship, and you won't know what's going on in the hospice. I had a friend who went into a hospice at the end and it was very difficult because I didn't have another contact for her, I always used to message her myself. I was told when she passed away, but in the last few weeks, they limited contacts to just close family. I know this is very hard when you have been a very good close friend, but I think, from my own experience of relatives in hospices is that there comes a time where you just go in on yourself and perhaps would only want a partner or parent or child there, perhaps not even that. Also, she is probably on morphine and quite heavily sedated (although not always). I suppose what I'm trying to say is that she's in the best possible place, hospices are wonderful, but you are left with the whole in your life which is so incredibly hard for you. Send her good thoughts, light a candle, say a prayer, shout at God, do whatever you have to do to make yourself feel a bit better; it is very very hard to accept the death of a youngish person, especially one you knew and loved. I've been there and I send all my good wishes to you OP.

WTHamIreading · 28/08/2022 21:59

I still get FB notifications telling me ‘It’s felicity Shone’s birthday’. She (not her real name) was someone I connected with online and met a few times. We messaged pretty much daily for a fair while, she had a life limiting illness.

She was in hospital for several weeks where we messaged when she had the energy, her sister posted about her death on her FB page and it really was upsetting to lose her as a friend. I didn’t reach out to her family and friends, I felt very separate from them, so I understand how how you must be feeling right now. I think pp were concerned she wasn’t being truthful, not doubting she existed. So sorry, it’s hard to know you are going to lose someone so young Flowers

noclothesinbed · 28/08/2022 22:00

Cupofteaonesugar · 28/08/2022 21:10

I know the hospice she is in but I'm just respecting her family and friends privacy right now as not much is being posted online understandably so I don't want to message anyone and cause any upset.
Hundred of people have responded to her post, we also did a big fundraiser for her last year to help her with her treatment so I'll find updates there.
This pair wasn't really about the updates as such, just about loosing a friend at such a young age. I've never lost a close friend before.

Sorry but you say she's a close friend so why do t you message her or send a card with a letter inside to the hospice. I find it very strange if you arnt going to do anything atall.