What are the good reasons for having a child?

[Nogoodreasons]

Other than you want one of course? My partner asked me to think of a good reason to have a child and I can't actually think of one.

People say that you're bringing in potentially another doctor or whatever into the world but you might not be after all. That's not guaranteed.

I worry about what the world we live in right now will be like in even 20 years. I mean they might be alright, we'd probably be better off than most but it's still not an ideal world.

Kids cost a lot. SO much, that he doesn't really understand. Not just money wise but health wise especially for the mother. Cost you mentally too as you're worried all the time about them.

I don't agree with having them to be my carer in old age.

Is it really worth it just to see them smile and grow up? Does that make it all worth it? The sicknesses, the tantrums, the screaming, crying, broken objects, the 'i hate you's from them, especially when a teenager. What makes all of that worthwhile?

I can maybe see how it is all worthwhile to go through to see your child be happy and well in the world but not sure if that outweighs the negatives. Does it?

He thinks that is a good reason to have a child by the way. I'm just curious what other parents think and what their reasons were for having a child.

I understand you. I spent my thirties trying to decide wether to have a baby because I didn’t have any broody feelings. I jokingly said “I know why you have a washing machine, so why do people have a baby?”

Then I fell pregnant by accident late thirties.

The answer for me is that you discover what it is to have a deep, unselfish and unconditional love for another human being. I don’t think you can feel that love for anyone other than your own child. And it doesn’t stop when they become adults.

In early marriage you think you love your husband, but that love is not unconditional (well not for me).

Everything you say about children is right, and more so with climate change, population etc. I don’t know what sort of world we are leaving for our children, and our childrens children.

I certainly don’t believe we should have children for our old age, but I am divorcing and the relationship with my DD is of great comfort to me. I suppose I could argue that if I hadn’t had my daughter, I would have fostered closer friendships. I don’t know.

So that’s my answer, unconditional love.

Kids are a lot of work. 24/7 work. And if you get one with disabilities like we did then it's even more work. Actually have no idea why we decided to have 3dc. Absolutely no support network around us so it's basically been me, mostly alone, with 3dc for the whole time. It is not a walk in the park!
But, they're your flesh and blood. And there are good bits. Like watching them develop their own personality. Likes and dislikes. When they learn things at school and come home and blow your mind because it's something you didn't already know. Random acts of love. Seeing them (very rarely I admit) playing nicely together like a little team. Seeing yourself in them.

Having kids is the ultimate in selfish activities.

I don’t mean that in a bad way though - I just mean that there is no other reason for having a child than you want one that should be acceptable.

So no, I can’t think of a ‘reason’ I had mine than I wanted them. Now they’re here I can say I love the love and fun they bring to my life, but that wasn’t a reason for having them - and if it was, that ties into the selfish reasons tbh.

I have 2 children who are past the baby / toddler stage , and whilst I'd never be presumptuous enough to tell people not to have one , I'd gladly tell them - we have them because since day dot we've been conned into it as ' the done thing '. It's something our grannies , granny , granny did and to be ' whole ' we must want it also.

There aren't any good reasons; on a personal level it is a supremely selfish choice because people do it based on hormones/emotions.

A minority (these days) do it because they think it guarantees them love & affection, plus a carer in old age. News flash - it doesn't, and this is a terrible reason to have a child.
Many people also do it because it's "what society expects" - they don't stop to think about whether it is a good decision for them.
However, from a societal perspective, I guess that at least some of the population need to reproduce in order to fund & support older generations.

This is my view too really, having a child is selfish and there isn't really a 'good' reason to have one. We need kids to keep society going of course but I guess it is also a selfish reason on my part for why I wouldn't want one. I like having my own time and I wouldn't have that with a child really. Having to compromise is a big part and I don't want to. I don't think I'd be a terrible parent either but I don't know if I'd actually be a good one. I'd worry that the child didn't feel loved by me or felt like a nuisance. I didn't feel that loved by my mum and she also wasn't a maternal person.

I go back and forth on it a lot and if I did have one it would be one only. I couldn't cope with more than one don't know how people do. I don't want to be outnumbered by them!

I had kids because I enjoy family life. Yes it's nice being free and able to do what you like but having a family is also nice.

If I could have both my pre kids independence and my lovely family then I would but it doesn't work like that (at least for the early years). I'm looking forward to my kids being older and getting some of my independence back but with these new people as part of my life as well. I'm enjoying their baby/toddler years while they last though as they're just so adorable (but also frustrating and tiring lol).

Ultimately, the answer lies in the deep, unconditional love for the child and joy you get from them, that just can't be explained in words. And can't be truly understood until you are a parent.

That probably sounds patronising, but it is true - until having children, I had no real understanding of it.

A similar but not the same analogy - do you have a dog? I don't, and literally cannot see the point of having one. I can't get over how much they cost and how much effort they are. But friends who have dogs see them as part of the family, can't imagine life without them, and don't see the money as anything other than a necessary cost of their life.

Yep, kids are bloody hard work and mind bogglingly expensive, but that just becomes life.

Not a dog but I do have other animals that are even more costly and yet couldn't see my life without them however mental they make me.

I almost feel like I want to foster children to be honest not have one. I knew a family growing up that fostered and while I never had and still have never had a feeling of wanting a baby, I did feel like I wanted to foster. I knew the children they fostered growing up, went to school with them too and it was always clear how confused they were in the world and hated it because of that. I saw the bad sides to that too, when the children would run away from the foster family etc or be violent towards them but that never really put me off it. I know I would feel guilty for bringing another child into the world when there are loads that need help.

Maybe I am just mental preferring that side to my own side as it's harder really but I'd be more willing to sacrifice stuff for that than my own one.

Everything you say is right. But I will just say that the most meaningful relationships I have in my life is with my DC. If my friends go on about their hobbies, it can get boring. But if my DS bores on about football, or my DD about rap music, it's enrapturing even though I have no interest in either of these things. That's unconditional love. DS has recently done well in A levels after a lot of hard work. I am over the moon and so proud.

I also think that as people get older, you may lose friends and family, and be glad of your DC, not to take care of you but simply to have more meaningful connections in your life. I have moved around a lot and therefore do not have many friends, and come from a small family. Without DC, I think I would be bored just staring at my husband all day and spending weekends with just the two of us.

All that said, my kids are young adults. When I had them, the world wasn't quite so shit. I am not sure I would have them now. I worry constantly about them.

You don't have to have them.

Gosh sorry for the many grammatical errors in that post!

OP
as a childfree person, my hackles rise as I know women whose partners have tried very hard to persuade them into having children.

of course, anyone who agrees, that's on them too. But some of the results I have seen are awful. Also possibly the other way round with men regretting it.

Because you love them, and they love you. It's as simple and as profound as that.

I get a lot of joy from my DC. It seems almost taboo to say it these days and like anyone who says they enjoy their children are somehow trying to gaslight other women into having them.

Yes there is a lot of shit that goes along with it (literally at times), my youngest was a high needs baby and made me quite mentally unwell for a period. It honestly almost broke me, I cannot even begin to describe how difficult it was but it passed, she is now 5 and an absolute joy. Her brother has always been an easy child and being their mother is a privelage. I love that I have added to my family unit along with my parents, brother, nephews and DH's family. It means a lot to me personally.

Fwiw I didn't want children for a very long time and in the early days of both I did, at times, regret it (like at 6 in the morning when the world was waking up and hadn't even been to sleep yet) but those thoughts passed very quickly. Being a parent is not for everyone, no one has to justify why they do/don't want children. It's a very personal decision.

Just to say I don't expect my DC to be my carers. I have saved to have paid carers. I have stuck to only 2 though and many of my friends only have one.

The urge to reproduce is normal, natural and every other living thing on the planet does it automatically. The difference between us humans and all other species is that we are sentient beings and now have a choice.

So in a way, the question is really the other way round. Why would one choose to not have children?

Is choosing to not have them selfish? Is choosing to have them selfish also? I don't see how it could be both.

I think choosing to have them is definitely selfish in these times. Though also hard to defy the biological and social urge.

If you need to ask, the answer is probably not good enough for you.

I'm in a 'if it's not a fuck yes, it should be a no', but I was raised in a community where lots of people had kids just because it happened.

I see it all as mutually agreeing to commit to take on the responsibility, not any reason. Commitment and responsibility are a core of society, but there are dozens of ways to do so. Fostering is just as great to do so.

Picking the ones for you is part of building meaning into your life & meaning is what makes worth - and part of building a partnership is deciding if the commitments you want to move towards are compatible.

There are health risks with pregnancy, childbirth and having kids, my husband and I have both taken our lumps from it, but there are health risks with everything, we've many more from other causes, we went into parenting with disabilities. Only you can decide which ones are worth taking though we can't predict all of them and anyone can become disabled at any time, I've just not known any different.

I don't worry more with kids, I worry differently. If anything, particularly with older kids, I find I worry less - they're great at bringing reality into situations my imagination might go too far on. My physical health has worn over the years for many years, but my mental health has improved from before I had kids.
I don't have the emotional experience described by others. Never had that rush, definitely don't find their hobbies any more interesting. The worth is what we build together, not just that we're related/that I gave birth to them. It's a different love, but I don't view it as more than I have for my husband.

Little in life is guaranteed other than death - not even having teenagers saying I hate you - but those risks are what makes life.

every other living thing on the planet does it automatically

No they don't, plenty of species - particularly social ones - have far more going on.

Many people find babies and young children very cute so that can override the drudge. They find other peoples' kids cute so that in overdrive when it's their own.

Many people have an inherent biological desire. If you have it, you don't need it explaining. If you don't, it's hard to explain.

We do need kids to be born to pay pensions etc. The government doesn't do all that much to make it appear they have noticed this, whilst simultaneously discouraging immigration.

Many people say raising a functioning human being is the biggest achievement of their life, in lieu of inventing the internet or winning an Olympic gold. More accessible definitely.

That can give life purpose on a day to day level, it's also a distraction from existential dread. Effectively our whole lives are about distracting ourselves from our mortality, whether that's by going to the cinema, the Maldives or having a kid.

Some people are very good at and suited to raising kids, others not so much. Everyone should play to their strengths.

I've got two toddlers and they are hard work. We are on holiday and I've just walked in to see my eldest fast asleep on the couch (he's 3).
I cannot put into words the rush of love I just felt for him.
I've had the same feeling for my little girl too at other times.
There's probably no good good reason beyond basic biology to have kids, but having them has changed me, my life and made me indescribably happy.

If you raise your kids right they tend to be pretty decent human beings that you enjoy spending time with. My kids defiantly enrich my life. Wouldn't be with out them

a reason- to get a minutae access to human evolution- the proccesses for every single, ordinary, banal action- boucing a ball for example. it’s a privilege and a gift.

it takes time to adjust and rediscover yourself with a kid for sure.

i’m grateful to have one child- but also know one more would swamp me (also as we live in different continent to my own, wouldn’t be able to continue visiting which is completely not an option)

sorry for typos in advance.

From a business perspective, they are a high risk investment.
That said, hopefully if they are an asset you can be proud of then in theory it makes it worth while.

I don't think it's positives v negatives in quite that way.

Having a child brings about major personal development for the parents.

It's often not easy but then things that make us grow rarely are.