Lonely and the dam has burst

[Suzuki00]

This is my first post here though I have lurked over the 9 years my dd has been in my life.

I’m lonely. Insufferably, brutally, suffocatingly lonely.

I have acquaintances, we go to social events with the school and the odd bbq here and there. We have a handful of couple friends, but my dh has always lived locally and consequently has a small group of true, loyal friends he has known and trusted for 30 years. He also has the benefit of siblings close in age in the same postcode.

I went to university, and lived abroad for a couple of years, continuing a pattern of never having lived anywhere longer than 4 years into my adulthood and it has struck me now, finally, in a glaringly obvious way that I have no friends.

Some I have fallen out with through the years, and circumstances make it irreparable. Some are acquaintances as I said that I can pass an hour or two with on a play date but am well aware that we aren’t “friends”. Other people I have tried to make friends with… it has faltered or I realise that we aren’t a great natural fit for each other.

it has all come to a head where my dh has coincidentally has a busy social calendar this year and I have zip, de nada, zero in mine. I’ve never even been invited on a hen do, which for some reason I find excruciatingly embarrassing. I didn’t have a hen do of my own either as I didn’t have enough friends to make it happen. I don’t have birthday parties either - not enough people to invite. OR an odd smattering of people that would politely attend, look around and wonder why it was only them and where my “other friends” are.

I want to fix it. I love that my dh has his friends and has his routine pub visits to unwind but I crave that for myself.
I dearly wish I had a small, close knit group of life long friends I could trust, and in turn be there for. I want a group of friends to sit in the local with once every few months to really unwind and just, share stuff with. Women who I can trust and who make me a better person. The sort of women I could call on a slow Friday afternoon and chat away the day, or a friend who would pop in with cake for a cuppa on the way home.

I’m not really asking a question. I just didn’t know where else to write this down. Dh just got back from a lovely couple of hours in the pub and I just broke down. He had such a lovely time and I spent yet another evening watching reality tv in silence. I’m afraid for myself. Am I intolerable? Is it my fault? I don’t like feeling this vulnerable and I think dh (though he will be asleep now) must be laid upstairs boggling at where this meltdown has come from.

Chat to your DH. Maybe go out and meet more people? Maybe a hobby? You meet people in all kinds of places and it takes time. I have lots of relatives who kinda fill my social need. But some of my parents’ v good friends were other parents (whose kids went to school with us). Others were people they met through work.

Ah mate
I have posted sort of similar, more than once, since joining MN
It's why I joined MN

I can only say I know how you feel.

I must go to bed so I won't go on but you are definitely not alone.

Was your H supportive and understanding when you broke down?

It is harder to make friends in mid adulthood, for sure. Not impossible though, just takes concerted effort, with no guarantees.

Sending a hug and a virtual cuppa and cake ☕️🍰

Thank you. I do feel pretty feeble but I have shored myself up for a really long time. It’s never hit me like this before. I appreciate your reply x

To make a friend you have to be a friend.
Make a cake, call someone, offer to bring it round.

Phone someone. What are you up to today? What to go for a walk? That sort of thing.

It's not going to happen unless you go out of your comfort zone.

My circumstances are different but I feel much the same way. I still live where I grew up but my friends have all moved away. Made huge efforts to get to know other parents through my DC but it often feels superficial. I have no one to call up to have coffee or drinks. I’ve had a lot going on recently and no one to share it with. I have no advice for you OP but I know how you feel.

He was and is. He’s said all the right things but as I said to him (gently) it’s a me problem.

I love that he has what he has. He doesn’t take the piss with nights out, and they’re a good bunch of friends.

It’s just a mirror to my own loneliness is all.

Oh and the friends in question have WaGs, they just don’t… socialise us together. They keep us WaGs separate from each other. Whether that’s on purpose or just because they’re bumbling I don’t know. I’ve tried to reach out but there is no interest in group dinners or anything. It’s a boy space only.

You’re welcome to share your stuff if you want to. I don’t know if that’s what we do here, but I’m a good listener 🤗

Do you think the dam bursting might motivate you to do some of the things people usually recommend - Meetup, volunteering etc? It sounds like you deserve some time out of the house doing something which interests you and makes you feel like you have stuff to do, too.

I know you’re much younger and nowhere near retirement age, but when my mum retired she made a real effort to do lots and lots of things - got involved with her local church, various courses…at first it made her feel more ‘on the outside’ but after a while she realised she had a lot of new friends and contacts. She’s thriving. It took a year or two.

I'm pretty similar to this too, you're not alone. I do have "friends" that I meet socially once in a while. I think they'd be pretty shocked to discover that they're my closest friends though.
Plus I'm single so when the dc are at their dad's it's just me.
I pushed myself to join a social meet up group (off Facebook) this week. It went fine, not a natural fit friendship wise but they were nice and it was easier than I thought.
Also, joining a choir, amateur dramatics group, sports club or church are sociable places that will at least give you a bit more of a social life.

I hope you're recovered after your outburst, I think loneliness is a very common struggle.

You’re right and I take everything you’ve said on board.

I’m not 100% where to start but I will try and dedicate a bit more of myself to solving the puzzle.

I tried the PTA but found it too political. Tried kid sports (many hours chatting to other parents) but the friendships were always soured by competitive back biting. Dd is thriving in music now but of course that’s many hours watching lessons but these are now solo events so I’ve cut myself off from socialising without realising.

Of course it isn’t up to dd to foster my social circle - I just need to think about what I would choose for myself. I don’t really have an identity anymore, aside from mother and wife. I got asked about my hobbies in a recent interview and I sort of stuttered around being a mum and then at the end sadly said “I read books”. Pathetic!

I feel overwhelmed because when I start to pick at this thread it scares me that it’s less about the friends and more about who even am I. A much trickier riddle to solve.

I’ve always been a bit of an outsider, pseudo only child stuff, comfortable with my own company to a point etc. I’m certainly not great at joining in. Where are the other thirty somethings with a median lifestyle that just want to kick back and talk about indie music, reality tv and how nice dogs are, preferably in the pub. Sigh.

I do feel calmer…

yes that rings true. The women I do socialise with all have other groups and far closer friends.

I’m so far down the hierarchy it’s unreal. I’m a drastic over thinker which compounds the issue somewhat!

If you have a dog then a regular saturday morning walk and coffee with another dog owner is a good way to make a deep friend.

I'm similar, and DH has loads of friends so I've spent some time analysing it all. I know deep down I'm not a dreadful person that no one wants to be around, as I am sure you're not judging by the way you come across here.

The biggest difference between DH and I is the attitude to friendship The second one is his need to be with others is slightly greater than mine.

Re the attitude to friendship. I'm a bit black and white about people. As in, my tolerance is not great and if they are crap at reciprocating contact or make barbed comments etc, then I tend to write them off as in my eyes that's not friends. DH says he gets what he wants from people. What he means is, he accepts people can be crap , but if overall he benefits from them than he sticks with it. Whereas I find alot if people to be flakey, competitive or not making any effort and then decide not to pursue the friendship even if I may otherwise like them. I seem to have less tolerance for peoples faults than DH. However, he is a much better judge of character on initial meetings. He will screen out those that he feels are not for him at all. Whereas I really struggle to spot the wronguns .

Re the second point. DH is more sociable than me and feels the need to see his friends far more regularly than I would if I had any 😂. That in itself is a motivation. Yes, I want more friends , but in reality I need to be honest about how much. Meeting people once a week would be more than enough.

So my overall message is that I'm going to lower my expectations of friends.

I've started by trying to see some of my acquaintances and see where that leads. I'm meeting one for a dog walk later. She has previously driven me bananas being overly competitive about children. But I'm going to put on my best show of steering the conversation off of that and seeing if overall I enjoy her company enough to do it again. It may take a while as I read the other day that it takes 50 hours to develop friendships.

I can empathise OP it is a bit soul-destroying to reach mid-life and find that you are without close friends, often through circumstances or as a result of decisions made at a younger age.

You could start by building a wider circle of acquaintances through a hobby or an activity that reallly interests you. It might take a while to develop friendships but it will happen.

Are you near the coast, is sea swimming an option? There are plenty of groups that do this. How about a female only gym? Or a meet up group focused on the type of music you like. A book club is an obvious one if you like reading. Or perhaps a knitting group if you like crafting. Volunteering for a charity where there is a social element.

It will take research, work and time. I would treat each activity as a project and put effort in. If one doesn't work out don't be disheartened just move on to the next.

I would also chat further with your DH. If he has a steady group of friends and connections in your area he could put out a couple of feelers to see if there's anything that you could join in with locally.

And just get your DD and DH to spoil you on your birthday!

Wishing you well.

OP I take it you're not in the Belfast area but if you were I'd be really happy to come and meet you at the bar and talk about TV, indie music and dogs!
I think you have some really solid advice here. Joining a hobbie or group will feel like a big plunge into the unknown but remember its made up of other people trying to branch out and meet others.

Join the WI or some other social club. Or volunteer - I made great friends through Guiding before I left because I don't agree with their stance on safeguarding and transwomon/girls. Or join some fitness classes or take up a sport.

Friends won't come to you, you have to go to places where you'll meet people.

Do you think the dam bursting might motivate you to do some of the things people usually recommend - Meetup, volunteering etc? It sounds like you deserve some time out of the house doing something which interests you and makes you feel like you have stuff to do, too.
I know you’re much younger and nowhere near retirement age, but when my mum retired she made a real effort to do lots and lots of things - got involved with her local church, various courses…at first it made her feel more ‘on the outside’ but after a while she realised she had a lot of new friends and contacts. She’s thriving. It took a year or two.

This op. Perhaps a good starting place is to think about what you enjoyed as a child. This kick-started one of my interests and led to another plus I have made a good friend through our shared interest. Start small, think about small things you like and build on from there trying to think of an example but something like for example... 'I like to sit in the garden = perhaps I might like to sit amongst nature and I quite like walking too, so I'll start walking more and perhaps, I might join a walking group/dog walking group for a bit of social interaction at some point. Maybe not a great example but you get my drift. Keep a bit of journal if it helps.

If something doesn't work for you, don't be afraid to try something new instead.

I definitely think the starting point is working from within. I have friends but I have a relatively small social life and this doesn't worry me, like it perhaps once did. I have a solitary interests too which means even when I'm alone, I keep occupied and don't need others necessarily to achieve this (like I used to). I am also happy to turn up to events in which I'm interested unaccompanied (me and dh have very different interests) - not easy for some but it feels empowering to me as I used to suffer badly from social anxiety.

It's awful when you are lonely and I totally understand why you had a crisis. As an adult it's not easy to make new friends. What about people from your past? Those you went to school with, or worked with? Would any of them be up for a reunion and maybe lunches?
If that's not possible then you need a hobby where you can meet up with people - friends need to have something in common.

If you've got a dog can you join a female dog walking meetup group?

Making friends is hard. I have one friend aside from my sisters. Lots of people who would probably say theyre my friend but not people i would ever rely on or invite for a coffee or whatever because they're fair weather friends. You might meet 50-100 people and only get that connection with one of them. So you need to cast your net as far as you can to meet loads of people.

Is there anything you've ever been interested in doing, even vaguely? Any groups near you around that topic? Crafting or making things is probably a good one if you want to spend afternoon nattering - near me there are groups for knitters/crocheters and embroiderers who sit in the pub and natter all afternoon. You've already got a shared interest then. If not that subject, what about an in person book club?

I can totally relate to this OP except my DO makes no effort at all with his friends. I love seeing people, getting dressed up and going out.

With most of my 'friends' If I don't suggest a meet up, it doesn't happen.
I'd be bowled over to get a text saying 'texting to ask how you, we must meet up' are more than once a year from people.

I have friends but I'm in their once at most twice a year catch up. Efforts from me to deepen the bond are met with little as I'm so far down their hierarchy (that's a great way of putting it!)

I don't want to be anybody's diary fodder.

I think the advice in here is useful so I'm going to have a think about activities I enjoy and see what I can do where I can meet new people.

I've also heard of Meet-up which is a website for meeting new people Meet-up.com?

Sorry that you're sad but, and you won't like this but it's the truth, but you are so incredibly lucky.

You have a husband and a child and the whole happy family life thing.

I think you need to wake up a little as to what a great life you have.

I hear you. I have also felt so lonely over the past few years that I wonder if there is a point to carrying on.

I do have friends but I don't see any of them very often and I don't have any lifelong friends like you. I also don't have children, partner and very little family. I am not great at having hobbies but I am trying. I have found a couple of monthly guided walks I enjoy and am currently looking into a choir.

No advice other than to say I know how you feel. Also, you will never be able to create the lifelong friendships your husband has but you may find something which takes the edge off your loneliness.

Join a craft group of some kind - pottery, painting, glass working, as long as it's sitting down quietly "getting on" with something, you'll find a) mostly women and b) everyone chats. Singing or whatever is no good as you only get hello and goodbye time. You need the couple of hours chatting time, to get to know the women,have a laugh etc. it worked for me!

I hear you OP.

fwiw you sound absolutely lovely - sometimes things don’t turn out the way we expect, but the friends situation is not on you.

im v similar - I have had several bouts of horrible depression since childhood. My dad killed himself, and I felt a deep sense of shame about that and about being poor. I never invited any friends over when I was younger and struggled at university because I didn’t feel good enough to be there. As an adult I got my anxiety under control, travelled and made some friends/met DH. We’ve since had an autistic DC so I’m losing them again because my DC is considered “the naughty one” and the older he gets, the more other parents avoid us.

I cry with loneliness sometimes and I know exactly what you mean about the dam bursting. X