Lonely and the dam has burst

[Suzuki00]

This is my first post here though I have lurked over the 9 years my dd has been in my life.

I’m lonely. Insufferably, brutally, suffocatingly lonely.

I have acquaintances, we go to social events with the school and the odd bbq here and there. We have a handful of couple friends, but my dh has always lived locally and consequently has a small group of true, loyal friends he has known and trusted for 30 years. He also has the benefit of siblings close in age in the same postcode.

I went to university, and lived abroad for a couple of years, continuing a pattern of never having lived anywhere longer than 4 years into my adulthood and it has struck me now, finally, in a glaringly obvious way that I have no friends.

Some I have fallen out with through the years, and circumstances make it irreparable. Some are acquaintances as I said that I can pass an hour or two with on a play date but am well aware that we aren’t “friends”. Other people I have tried to make friends with… it has faltered or I realise that we aren’t a great natural fit for each other.

it has all come to a head where my dh has coincidentally has a busy social calendar this year and I have zip, de nada, zero in mine. I’ve never even been invited on a hen do, which for some reason I find excruciatingly embarrassing. I didn’t have a hen do of my own either as I didn’t have enough friends to make it happen. I don’t have birthday parties either - not enough people to invite. OR an odd smattering of people that would politely attend, look around and wonder why it was only them and where my “other friends” are.

I want to fix it. I love that my dh has his friends and has his routine pub visits to unwind but I crave that for myself.
I dearly wish I had a small, close knit group of life long friends I could trust, and in turn be there for. I want a group of friends to sit in the local with once every few months to really unwind and just, share stuff with. Women who I can trust and who make me a better person. The sort of women I could call on a slow Friday afternoon and chat away the day, or a friend who would pop in with cake for a cuppa on the way home.

I’m not really asking a question. I just didn’t know where else to write this down. Dh just got back from a lovely couple of hours in the pub and I just broke down. He had such a lovely time and I spent yet another evening watching reality tv in silence. I’m afraid for myself. Am I intolerable? Is it my fault? I don’t like feeling this vulnerable and I think dh (though he will be asleep now) must be laid upstairs boggling at where this meltdown has come from.

It’s a lot of effort / energy, but try a few things out. Maybe they will have people you warm to, maybe they won’t (but in turn they might have friends you would get on with). I’ve met people who became good friends at Craft or language classes (ideally something that has more than a one-off session, because other people need time to warm up too, so might not connect until a second or third session). Is there anything you’ve always wanted to learn? It doesn’t matter whether you turn out to be good at it - I was utterly terrible at watercolours, but they were so awful that’s how I found a good friend as she was trying not to laugh!

Volunteering is often suggested but it can be really good - for example, community first responding is solo, but the training is in groups who can become close; I hear parkrun volunteering is friendly; or a local event or cause so you meet people in the planning sessions as well as working alongside them at the event. Or is there a charity bookshop near you, or does your library need volunteers?

The only things I would avoid are choirs, as I found there’s hardly any opportunity to talk so it’s very hard to get enough time to relax and talk to someone.

Also just keep your eyes open for secret potential allies - the PTA was definitely not for me, but one day I spotted another mum doing an epic eye roll at a PTA playground announcement. She saw me smother a laugh. We’ve been great friends ever since 😁

I'm in a similar position. I've set myself the task of really working on making friends between now and Christmas. Meetup and Bumble BFF are both apps for friends and socialising. I frind it really hard to go to these events but keep trying.

I have absolutely no plans from last night until Wednesday when I go back to work. I tried really hard to make some but nobody wants to see me. Husband is working long days the whole time. It's really sad. I'm nice and kind and make an effort with people but I know I don't make anyone's top friends list. Probably not even their top 25.

I’ve had some really thoughtful, generous and kind responses here. I promise I’m taking everything on board and although i still feel a bit tight chested and teary, I do have a renewed sense of purpose.

Another poster said I’m not appreciating how lucky I am. I hear your point. I’m incredibly lucky to have a supportive, loving dh and a dd who is the light of my life. I have a home, a dog, I have acquaintances who are friendly if not friends and more besides. I’m trying to practice being a more appreciative person and taking a bit of time to focus and find perspective today.

That life however would be fuller with some friends. People to laugh with, independently from my husband, to help foster the sense of identity that I have lost.

Another poster asked if I was in Belfast, sadly no, but what you said cheered me up and I am really grateful.

What a kind and stoic bunch you all are. I wish I had posted sooner x