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Original poster

Is there a better solution to this? DD and school residential

80 replies

Gansevoortgirl67 · 26/08/2022 15:44

DD10 is very tall for her age. She's found her height upsetting for years, but it's gotten much worse over the last few months or so. She's the tallest in her year group by quite a way and has been for a while. She was taller than her teacher by the end of last year and is taller than her new teacher she'll start with in September, which she finds particularly difficult. She's often mistaken for much older than her actual age. Her size is often pointed out when she's with her age group. She's not overweight, but other kids in her year group haven't started hitting puberty yet as far as I'm aware. So she does look 'bigger.' Her friends all seem to be tiny for their age which isn't helping. She is very, very aware of how her body compares to her peer group. I was the same at her age and it really affected me as I got older, which I don't want for her.

Her year group are doing a residential week in October. It's one of the adventure day type franchises, so climbing, abseiling, raft building, trampoline type games etc.They did a weekend trip to a different place owned by the same franchise before they finished for summer where most of the activities were done in pairs and they got to pick their partners. On that trip, DD was told by the teachers on the trip that she couldn't partner with the other kids for the pair activities because she was so much bigger than them and might end up hurting them on the equipment. She was partnered off with different teachers for the pairs activities on day 1. On day 2 she was given the option of partnering with a teacher or sitting out the activities with another group that had already done them, after she said she was upset she couldn't go on with her friends. She cried her eyes out when she was picked up at the end that she was fat, she hates her body, she just wants to be small like her friends.

She's been bringing up the October residential on and off all summer break. She doesn't want to go because she felt so uncomfortable last time. I've told her she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to, but she's afraid of missing out if she doesn't go, or being made fun of for not wanting to be away from home for four nights. She's missed out on activity weekends for extra curriculars before because they fell on her dad's weekends, which is a whole separate thread. But her worry that she'll feel left out the week after the trip is valid to her.

I feel there has to be a better solution than she sucks it up or I just pull her out the trip, but I can't work out what it might be.

OP posts:
Blacknailvarnish · 26/08/2022 15:48

Was it the teachers or the site activity staff who told her she couldn’t partner a friend?

Tigerblue4 · 26/08/2022 15:48

Might be worth having a word with the school, seeing if they have any solutions. I suspect they'll be less children going than normal due to cost of living. Our local school normally has about three children that don't go on residentials, but this summer it was ten, and we put it down to cost of living.

SoupDragon · 26/08/2022 15:50

I think you need to have a meeting with the teacher in charge of the trip.

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10 year olds
AtleastitsnotMonday · 26/08/2022 15:54

Talk to the teachers and tell them exactly what you've written here. I'm interested to know what these pairs activities were and how much of a influence size would have. For example would she just have a bit of an advantage or would it genuinely be dangerous?

Blacknailvarnish · 26/08/2022 15:55

First thing I’d be asking the teacher to call the centre to find out if the activities will be completed in pairs again. I’d actually probably call the centre myself to find this out.

TeenDivided · 26/08/2022 16:00

Yes, I'd be asking that they pick suitable activities that aren't paired or where difference in size doesn't matter. Just like they pick water based activities based on swimming skill.

Is she overweight, or just more developed and taller.

Smartiepants79 · 26/08/2022 16:01

Have you spoken to staff?? Did you when she came back last time?? What did the DH say?
There must be a more sensible solution. How many partner activities were there? We do these residentials with my school and both of mine have been on several and I’m struggling to think of the activities where a height difference would be a problem. We take away kids of all shapes and sizes including 10 year olds that are bigger than the adults, and this has never been an issue.

Smartiepants79 · 26/08/2022 16:01

DH should read teacher!!

JamesWilbyFanClub · 26/08/2022 16:19

This doesn't help with the immediate issue but, in order to build up her self esteem, you could encourage her to spend time where size relative to age isn't an issue, or is an advantage.
Swimming club springs to mind. but there must be others. Her peers will get taller but she may always be taller and she could be helped to see it as a positive.
I'm tall and it's the thing I like most about my body.

Original poster
Gansevoortgirl67 · 26/08/2022 16:22

I spoke to her teacher when she came home upset last time, apparently it was because of the school's health and safety policy. I don't think it's the activity staff, as she's done similar activities with her friends with no problems. I could be wrong. Her school's solution is she can do the activities, she just has to do them with a teacher.

The activities she wasn't allowed to do partnered with the other kids were mostly high ropes climbing type activities, some trampolining type activities. Her school said this was because they have two at a time on the same equipment next to each other, and she could have hurt another child if she'd slammed into them. The trampolining was apparently because she could have caused another child much smaller than her to bounce too high to be safe. DD was sent on that activity with one of the teaching staff who is much bigger than she is, which was partly why she didn't want to do the activities on day 2 I think. It didn't make any sense to her.

She's not overweight, she's just much taller and more developed than average.

OP posts:
modgepodge · 26/08/2022 16:24

This is really rubbish. I have been on 4 residentials with kids and never ever have we done an activity where a particular child either couldn’t take part because of their size, or had to pair with a teacher instead of a friend. To have only picked activities where this is the case is ridiculous. I’d definitely have a word, rhey must be able to select some activities where differing pupil sizes aren’t an issue. I’ve taught y6 for years and there’s usually at least one child my height if not taller in ever class, so she doesn’t sound unusually big.

MicksMate · 26/08/2022 16:26

Poor thing, that's awful! Start by talking to school. Other girls may start to shoot up in Y6, and/or there might not be this pairs thing at the new venue or with the activities they are choosing this time.

Also there is no harm in going straight to the provider to talk about your concerns. Generally schools will accommodate changes to keep you and DC happy if you can propose a solution that is easy to implement. It might be as simple as checking what their policy is for weight differential and providing data they need to implement it correctly.

Things will come towards your daughter, it'll get easier every year. My DD's Y6 teacher had students taller than her every single year, so it's normal for her.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/08/2022 16:28

Talk to the year head about what happened last time and how to improve it. It sounds like they handled it incredibly badly. Is there a young fun teacher she could regularly partner with when she needs someone her size, and are there some activities she can partner with friends.

Ask for a meet with the lead teacher on the trip, and plan it through, share solutions with your daughter and ask for her ideas. If she knows the plan she will be less anxious.

Just not going isn’t a good solution, it will feed into her idea there’s something wrong with her, and will create more anxiety.

Also do remind her when she’s six foot her 5’4 friends will be deeply jealous. I really envy my tall friends.

Dinoteeth · 26/08/2022 16:33

That's bonkers I'd get in touch with the activity centre direct. See what they say as it will be their policy and insurance that matters.

The trampoline kind of makes sense, I ended up on a trampoline with a girl much bigger than me, I ended up with a really awful black eye as I hit the back of her head but most trampolines really recommend one at a time.

Singleandproud · 26/08/2022 16:38

DD is 12 and 5ft 9 she has always towered above her peers her best friend is also much smaller than average so they are an amusing looking pairThere are times when she's commented that she's had to be careful and mindful of her best friend but mostly that's about sitting arrangements on roller coasters and similar.

I really wouldn't have been happy if she'd gone to her residential and the staff made her sit out or not take part with her peers. I've worked at a residential outdoor centre and can't think of any activities where height would lead to serious injury. Weight sometimes during climbing if children were belaying each other but we never did that as instructors did it and used a ground anchor.

DD also went through a phase of not liking being tall, she started at a swimming club which helped as being tall is an advantage and then when she decided to stop that we moved to girls rugby. Rugby has been an absolute game changer, she loves the fact she's taller than the others in her age group and has really accepted her height as a positive, which is good as she's still growing.

Softplayhooray · 26/08/2022 16:42

Your poor DD! The teachers need to be a lot more engaged here. Surely they need to come up with a better solution! I'd think about contacting the Activity organisation ahead of time and explaining - I tend to find that outdoorsy organisations tend to have thought about this kind of thing and/or will be very conscious of wanting to help. Then you could feed back their recommendations to the school. That might set your DD up to feel better. I really feel for her.

TeenDivided · 26/08/2022 16:43

The tallest girl at DD's primary got into netball where height is a distinct advantage. I remember her as not very coordinated, but I suspect she 'grew into' her height.

OnlyEverAutumn · 26/08/2022 16:57

Wow. I’ve taught children of all shapes, sizes and heights and never known that to be done with paired activities - that’s crap. I’d definitely be speaking to teachers. Your poor daughter 😢

SE13Mummy · 26/08/2022 17:14

In your position I would contact the activity centre myself and ask for a list of the activities where height/size differences do not present an issue. I would then contact the school in writing and ask for reassurance that these are the activities that have been booked for the forthcoming trip. If they are not, and if the school's own risk assessment is overriding that of the centre, I would probably say I didn't want my DD to go whilst also escalating through the school's own complaints procedure.

It's not unusual for Y6s to be vastly different in height and weight and any plan should take account of this. In my own Y6 class last year I had one child I could pick up in one arm, the same way I might scoop up a toddler and another who was taller, wider and heavier than me. When planning school trips, I deliberately didn't take them anywhere that the tallest pupil would have to watch because they were too big, or where the smallest one wouldn't be allowed to join in because they were too small.

balalake · 26/08/2022 17:15

I don't think that your DD would be the only one not to go, given the financial pressures many face. Too late but I would understand a school not doing such a trip this year.

Original poster
Gansevoortgirl67 · 26/08/2022 18:02

Her school have made it very clear that the only solutions they see are she either pairs with a teacher or she chooses to sit out those activities. They're calling it a health and safety thing to ensure the other kids don't get hurt. They don't seem to think it's a health and safety issue to pair her with a teacher twice her size.

DD doesn't want me to raise it with the activity center because she doesn't want me to draw attention to her being 'too big' to do the pairs activities with the other kids- her words.

OP posts:
Tickledtrout · 26/08/2022 18:16

The school's health and safety policy/risk assessment here needs to defer to that of the activity provider. School staff aren't qualified to make up anything that's not in the activity centre's ra. I'd talk to the centre, then challenge them on equality grounds.
Your poor DD.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 26/08/2022 18:20

I think you need to speak to the centre, regardless of what DD thinks, else she will be forced to be partnered with a teacher again.

which makes no sense to me unless the teachers are tiny adults?

Dinoteeth · 26/08/2022 18:24

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 26/08/2022 18:20

I think you need to speak to the centre, regardless of what DD thinks, else she will be forced to be partnered with a teacher again.

which makes no sense to me unless the teachers are tiny adults?

My thoughts exactly.
I'd phone the centre or email them to see what they say.

Ultimately if any child gets injured it will be them HSE look at not the school.

SE13Mummy · 26/08/2022 18:36

Gansevoortgirl67 · 26/08/2022 18:02

Her school have made it very clear that the only solutions they see are she either pairs with a teacher or she chooses to sit out those activities. They're calling it a health and safety thing to ensure the other kids don't get hurt. They don't seem to think it's a health and safety issue to pair her with a teacher twice her size.

DD doesn't want me to raise it with the activity center because she doesn't want me to draw attention to her being 'too big' to do the pairs activities with the other kids- her words.

Contact the activity centre without your DD's knowledge on this occasion. As a teacher, I wouldn't override the risk assessment performed by a specialist activity centre for the activities they are delivering. I would expect to contribute my knowledge of my class to it so it could be personalised as appropriate but if the whole class couldn't access an activity as peers, I'd request an alternative activity.