Is there a better solution to this? DD and school residential

[Gansevoortgirl67]

DD10 is very tall for her age. She's found her height upsetting for years, but it's gotten much worse over the last few months or so. She's the tallest in her year group by quite a way and has been for a while. She was taller than her teacher by the end of last year and is taller than her new teacher she'll start with in September, which she finds particularly difficult. She's often mistaken for much older than her actual age. Her size is often pointed out when she's with her age group. She's not overweight, but other kids in her year group haven't started hitting puberty yet as far as I'm aware. So she does look 'bigger.' Her friends all seem to be tiny for their age which isn't helping. She is very, very aware of how her body compares to her peer group. I was the same at her age and it really affected me as I got older, which I don't want for her.

Her year group are doing a residential week in October. It's one of the adventure day type franchises, so climbing, abseiling, raft building, trampoline type games etc.They did a weekend trip to a different place owned by the same franchise before they finished for summer where most of the activities were done in pairs and they got to pick their partners. On that trip, DD was told by the teachers on the trip that she couldn't partner with the other kids for the pair activities because she was so much bigger than them and might end up hurting them on the equipment. She was partnered off with different teachers for the pairs activities on day 1. On day 2 she was given the option of partnering with a teacher or sitting out the activities with another group that had already done them, after she said she was upset she couldn't go on with her friends. She cried her eyes out when she was picked up at the end that she was fat, she hates her body, she just wants to be small like her friends.

She's been bringing up the October residential on and off all summer break. She doesn't want to go because she felt so uncomfortable last time. I've told her she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to, but she's afraid of missing out if she doesn't go, or being made fun of for not wanting to be away from home for four nights. She's missed out on activity weekends for extra curriculars before because they fell on her dad's weekends, which is a whole separate thread. But her worry that she'll feel left out the week after the trip is valid to her.

I feel there has to be a better solution than she sucks it up or I just pull her out the trip, but I can't work out what it might be.

Oh gosh.

Nothing practical to add here, other posters have given good advice, but please send her a big hug. Poor kid.

This sounds so difficult for her and for you.

How tall is she, OP? How many girls in her year group?

She's just over 5"7. Her class teacher during the trip before summer was much shorter than her, probably 5"2-3. She was paired with different teachers on the trip, some were much bigger than her. DD was upset because she felt those pairings were really no different to her doing the activities with her friends.

In terms of the bigger picture I've tried steering her towards sports that might boost her self-esteem. She's much more interested in things like dance which I don't think are helping her feel better about herself in all honesty. She's very aware that she's 'different' and I don't want that to be pushed on her negatively, I just don't know how to get that through to her school without them countering it with safety. Because the safety argument also makes it worse.

5'7" and 90th percentile for weight (still a healthy weight) she'd be about 60 kg.
I am genuinely surprised OP's child is that much heavier than any other girls entering yr6, meaning the others are all so small. DD's 3 best mates at start yr6 were all tall/plump and comfortably 50+kg each (DD was titchy, only about 35 kg then, so the odd one out in that group).

But may have been much bigger year group, at least 22 girls in it.

Anyway, given the uneven development of kids in yrs7-9, it's weird that any activity centre for roughly same age group would rely on pairing them by weight. It's not Judo.

Poor girl. I agree with her that it makes no sense for her to be paired with a much bigger teacher either.
I’d be really cross about this and would be speaking to the activity centre and the school.
If they really can’t pair her with her friends I’d request that they change the activities.
it sounds ridiculous

5'7" and 90th percentile for weight (still a healthy weight) she'd be about 60 kg.
I am genuinely surprised OP's child is that much heavier than any other girls entering yr6

Really? I think I could maybe point out two girls who have topped 5ft4 in the ten years my kids have been working through primary school. 5ft7 is tall, weight irrelevant really as she’s within normal limits.

I'm not actually convinced she's the heaviest in her class, but I also don't think pointing that out would help. Though I hate that it seems to be ok to make a big deal of her weight when it's about her height.

It's a year group of about 90, I think the boy-girl split is about even. She's the tallest by quite a lot.

i guess I don't understand how height difference would cause hazard to others in absence of a marked weight difference (trampolining & rope-related that OP listed). Why height difference would make others bounce too high and weight difference wouldn't. Maybe just I don't understand the activities involved. Kids in Judo matches are matched by weight with height & age being barely considered. Is why I thought of Judo. Everyone knows you're matched by weight, so being paired off with someone who is different age/sex/height doesn't matter.

& yeah DD's 3 BFs in yr6 were quite er ... "solid" , they were 5' tallish but wore larger trousers than me (I have 38" hips). The feistiest one became a gorgeous svelte young woman since, studies philosophy at Uni, great to chat to.

They have no idea what she weighs as far as I'm aware. They are assuming she will be 'too heavy' and her weight will be a hazard because of the height difference.

I wonder as an activity she would enjoy cheerleading - it relies on having super small and super tall athletes for the different stunting positions, has dance in it etc.

I am shocked that the activity centre didn't work around the various issues or it seems more likely the school didn't let me

As others have said, I would contact the activity centre direct (without letting your DD know) to get a clear picture from them about which activities require pairing by size for health and safety reasons, what the risk is if children of different sizes are paired, and whether the issue is height or weight. Be prepared to schedule a call with a manager at the centre rather than necessarily expecting the first person you speak to to be able to answer all the questions. I would also get them to spell out what level of difference in size is permissible. I would explain the issue to them and ask them for possible solutions, eg are they able to organise trampolining in a way that doesn't necessarily involve two people at a time on the trampoline? Could the relevant activity be made safe if your DD pairs with a friend, but they then work as a three with an adult? Once you have the information from the horse's mouth, you will be in a much better position to distinguish genuine health and safety issues from imaginary issues that the school has dreamed up. If the school are citing health and safety as some kind of trump card, argue back on health and safety grounds, ie that they are arranging activities on a basis that takes no account of your DD's mental health.

do you know how much she weighs, OP?

I've requested a call from the management team at the center DD's school are taking them to in October. But the person I've just spoken to arranging that suggested it's her school's policy, not theirs.

She's 134lbs which puts her into the overweight band for a 10 year old at 5"7 by a percentile, comfortably in the healthy weight band for 5"8. She's a little over 5"7 but not quite 5"8 yet, so I'm not worried about her weight.

If the Centre are saying its the schools policy I'd ask them to put it in writing and then take it up with the school.
Seems daft for the school to over ride the centres policy.

The whole partnering idea is not something my children have come across in their various different outward bound holiday clubs and residentials. It's all been about groups of 6-8. My DD is one of a 3 and I would have heard all about it if they'd been made to partner up. And DC with additional needs will often be put with an additional adult. Maybe this place is different of course, but I would start by finding out if this whole partnering concept comes from the activity or school. Good luck.

I don't think the partnering part would have really been an issue for most kids, although I could be completely wrong. They were put into groups of about 8 to rotate through the activities in, but then a lot of the activities were done two at a time. Eg two parallel climbing walls, two working together on an obstacle course. They did a ball game type thing on a trampoline that involved four people on four separate trampolines grouped together as one. Also activities as a whole group. DD was told she couldn't do the climbing ones with two kids doing it at the same time or the trampolining one with her classmates as she might hurt them. I've looked at the risk assessment policies for those activities at the franchise this afternoon, I can't see anything about height or weight. She did a crate stacking activity with some of the kids stacking crates for the others to climb up attached to a safety wire thing as part of the group, but she just did the stacking bit, not a climbing turn. The more traditional camp type activities she was allowed to join in with normally. I don't think DD was upset she didn't get to go on the activities with her friends, I don't know how much they would have been bothered about who they were doing those things with once they were actually doing it. She was upset because she was told in front of the group she couldn't do those activities with one of the other kids in the group because she would be too heavy and might hurt them. I imagine the difference is kids with additional needs wouldn't be told in front of their peers they were doing the activities with a teacher because of their additional needs.

It discriminatory. Height and weight are not protected characteristics sadly.

It is really terrible too. The school need to offer a solution as it is not being inclusive.

Discrimination and inclusive are the words here to use.

Good luck and stick up for your daughter. You need to see the head teacher. They need to ensure this does not happen again for your daughter or other pupils by communicating this clearly to parent before hand.

Pretty disgraceful.

Her school are arguing that what they are doing is inclusion. When I raised it with them last time they said that letting DD take part with her peers for those activities would be inclusive of her at the other kids risk. Their solution is supposedly inclusive because it allows DD to still take part. They apparently aren't bothered about being inclusive of her mental health.

It sounds very like the Outdoor educational place I did my gap year at Aeroball is not an issue height wise as there are 4 different trampolines with a netting surround and goals in each quadrant, teachers would often have a go against children at the same time at the children's request.

Climbing on parrallel walls absolutely no risk to do with height at all. Again, students often wanted to race their teachers if they were willing.

Also no issue with crate stacking. These tasks are meant to work on team work and using each others strengths.

The school are being beyond weird.

@Singleandproud could weight differences be an issue? Her school's argument is that her height means she's heavier, which could cause injury.

For crate stacking she was allowed to use her strength and height to stack the crates for others, not to climb herself.

I can't think of any reason for those activities why height or weight would impact them.

For crate stacking there's no guarantee everyone would have a go at being on the top of the stack, we used to have an hour per session once you'd done safety talks etc we'd get through as many people as possible.

Climbing, highly likely the instructors will be belaying so no issue with weight there, even if students belay each other it's normally done through a Grigri device that is attached to the ground with a ground anchor and then student attached to that. If they climb without a ground anchor and there's a difference in weight you get the lighter one going up as the other goes down its why they use a ground anchor.

Aeroball, if its one trampoline separated into quadrants by netting then that could be an issue with weight. Ours were four separate small trampolines so no issue.

I've organised many of residentials. Now we have never had trampolining on them so I can't comment on that. For the others I'd help is required to belay then the teacher has been an anchor point but for all in that team or pair not just the larger child. We also don't allow them to belay in pairs, we have one climbing and 2/3 or 1/2 and a teacher belaying.

The weight difference between the teacher and your child could be an issue for their so called rules.

Unless the school staff are qualified climbing instructors etc, in what way are they qualified to override the activity centre's risk assessment to decide to pair a child with an adult? If they injure your child that puts them on shaky ground.

Embarrassing your daughter in front of her peers should have been met with a formal complaint. That was unprofessional.

They have a duty of care to your daughter.

Pairing her with an adult based on the risk assessment of an unqualified person and humiliating her in front of her peers do not really seem to fulfil that duty of care.

Thats so unfair. Would they force a kid with downs syndrome to sit out, a blind kid, a deaf kid - most likely they would make appropriate adjustments to enable them to take part as of course they should. They need to do the same for your daughter. The way they are behaving at the moment is so cruel.

The better solution is that they do something else entirely. Things they don’t need to be paired for. Walking/kayaking/coastearing maybe.