My DH wants me to tell him what to do all the time

[Whyamiboss]

He’s driving me crazy. Somehow he holds down a full time well paid job but seems unable to make a decision. I don’t know whether it’s sheer laziness always asking me or whether he genuinely wants to be treated like a little boy with me as his mum. It is so unattractive and its wearing me down. I already have 3 dc and sometimes feel he’s a 4th.

Some examples:

His phone just rang. He looks at me and asks “it’s my parents, should I answer it?” Why the fuck are you asking me I feel like saying.

We’re booking a holiday - you just choose. I tell him I want us to book it together. Why should I have all the responsibility?

Dinner - refuses to offer an opinion, just says “whatever you cook is fine”. He has zero opinion & quite happy to sit back and just eat what’s served up.

Buying a house - you just choose some & I’ll have a look round. FFS this would be our new home.

Its getting to the point that the mere sight of him sets my teeth on edge. I am sick of making every decision and I need him to act like a responsible adult.

How can I get him to do this? I keep telling him I’m not his mummy but it seems to make no difference.

Is it affecting your sex life? If so, maybe explain to him that's why?

I know exactly what you mean OP. Sadly I have no advice, just solidarity.

Actually that was a bit flippant, I apologise. It's more serious than that really isn't it. When you say to him I'm not your boss/not your mum, what does he actually say?

My Dh is like this.

After 15 years I've come to accept it although I don't find it attractive either.

Euwww yup I’d find that so unattractive! Not sure what the answer is or how to get someone to take responsibilities for life decisions

Do you actually say 'why the fuck are you asking me?' because if not, you should.

Can you just stop doing the things? Just stop organising the holiday and the dinner (for him, obviously feed your kids!) and see what happens.

My DH used to be a bit like this and I just stopped doing some things and started saying 'what are you asking me for?!' to others. He soon got the message.

I sympathise, I have one like this. He’s a passenger in our lives, I drive everything.

Its kind of in my nature to take control so conflict has been lower than it could have been. It’s pretty bloody frustrating though and yes, not very attractive.

It would be so nice if he could put some the mental work in. My DS got his A level results & I bought a card, balloons etc it wouldn’t occur to DH to do any of this. It’s like he just opts out because he knows I will carry the burden.

When he asks his continual questions I ask him to make the decision. Last night we had the usual “ what shall we watch” question. Yes of course it’s nice to be consulted on what to watch on the tv but he never has an opinion. Happy to let me choose & he’ ll just sit there & watch it.

“Spudlover” you’ve summed it up perfectly, he is the passenger ALL the time and sometimes it would be nice if I had the chance to just sit back and relax.

My DH can be like this to a degree. I remember years ago when planning our wedding, I felt like calling the whole thing off at one point as it essentially felt like a big party that I was planning and organising and he was just turning up to on the day.

I hate that I have to do it, but where possible, I 'assign' a specific task to him and refuse to get involved. So for the holiday, I would say 'please can you make a shortlist of 5 places and we will look at them together tonight.'

You need to stop catching him.

He's now in charge of deciding what's for dinner and making it two days a week, no exceptions.

He books your next holiday.

If he doesn't do it, the problem of everyone being hungry/upset/bored/whatever is his to solve. Tell him so. Don't sort it out for him.

Do you work? Does he just think everything outside of earning money is your responsibility?

My OH is like this. It's exhausting.

@Spudlover your comment about your Dh being a passenger just sums it up for me.

My husband is a bit like this. I can’t stand it at times. It’s like having another child. He is such a kind hearted person but he can be so apathetic and re-active..it drives me nuts / gets me down. I’m the opposite - quite pro-active in my life.

I work full time as does he.

I had one of these. We're now divorced. I found it utterly pathetic and selfish.

You have to stop enabling him. If he doesn't contribute he doesn't get anything. Don't cook his dinner if he won't contribute any ideas. Don't book a holiday if he doesn't engage. TV stays off if he won't come up with any ideas. Just do what he does to illustrate the problem.

When he asks you stupid questions like should he answer his phone - ignore him.

Cook things you when he says but I dont really like that either say 'well speak up with what you'd like then.

Book a holiday that you and DC like and let him get in with it

You are using energy because you are still thinking about what he wants/likes. Stop this, just think about yourself and DC. He will either realise and step up/get involved or you'll just feel happier being in control of what you want.

I've dried up reading this 🤮

Yes I have one like this too. If I didn’t organise things, we would do nothing and my DDs quality of life would be rubbish.

I think it is part laziness, part selfishness.

I get “shall I take a coat?”, “What are you wearing?”. I mean, seriously!
The thing is I now notice all these little things more and more and it does put me off him really.

If I left him to organise a holiday though, we would just get the cheapest place with the things only he would like to do - which would be ok for me but not our DD.

Not sure what the answer is - put up with it or leave I guess? 🤷‍♀️ Sorry not much help but I totally get it.

Don't ask him what he would like for dinner. Don't mention it at all. Make a list of all the meals you know he doesn't particularly like all that much, and start providing them. Ideally, every day for several weeks in rotation if you can manage it. Do not cook anything you know he really loves. Don't bother with Sunday roasts, or anything like that, just do something basic instead.

Wait and see how long it takes for him to crack. 😂

Is it possible they doesn't actually care about these topics? (Although not caring about where they live seems odd)

Maybe find something you know they will care about and if you get the same sort of response it's just plain odd - if you get something different, well, now you know they simply don't care about these things - if that's good or bad is a whole other discussion

You're not married to one of the Jungle Book vultures, are you?

😂 well what do you want to do?
I love the image you've provided and it's made me all smiles ☺️

I understand your frustration, my DH brother's birthday recently. I have a stash of cards, I chose a card, provided the stamp (which he lost in his car) he came back from work and had forgot to write on the card.
Then he couldn't remember his brother's new been living there ten years address.
FFS I give up, I should just let him get on with it, but bil is such a nice bloke .

Our DC rarely get anything present wise from DH, definitely never bought them a birthday card (they wouldn't get one if I didn't sort it out)

I always book our holiday, but I draw the line at booking his holidays that he takes with his mates. Funnily enough, he usually manages to sort out where they want to go but often makes a hash of the booking 🤦‍♀️