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Original poster

My DH wants me to tell him what to do all the time

42 replies

Whyamiboss · 25/08/2022 12:35

He’s driving me crazy. Somehow he holds down a full time well paid job but seems unable to make a decision. I don’t know whether it’s sheer laziness always asking me or whether he genuinely wants to be treated like a little boy with me as his mum. It is so unattractive and its wearing me down. I already have 3 dc and sometimes feel he’s a 4th.

Some examples:

His phone just rang. He looks at me and asks “it’s my parents, should I answer it?” Why the fuck are you asking me I feel like saying.

We’re booking a holiday - you just choose. I tell him I want us to book it together. Why should I have all the responsibility?

Dinner - refuses to offer an opinion, just says “whatever you cook is fine”. He has zero opinion & quite happy to sit back and just eat what’s served up.

Buying a house - you just choose some & I’ll have a look round. FFS this would be our new home.

Its getting to the point that the mere sight of him sets my teeth on edge. I am sick of making every decision and I need him to act like a responsible adult.

How can I get him to do this? I keep telling him I’m not his mummy but it seems to make no difference.

OP posts:

dodobookends · 25/08/2022 14:19

@MyDogandClowns I dunno, what do you want to do?

MyDogandClowns · 25/08/2022 14:20

And yes he asks what he should wear/should I take a coat etc when we go out. I just ignore that or say it's up to you.

Cherchezlaspice · 25/08/2022 14:21

Have you actually said all this to him? All the things in the OP, have you communicated them to your husband?

Cakeandcardio · 25/08/2022 14:22

Is it a man thing? Mine isn't quite as bad but is happy to let me choose most things. It's frustrating. For dinner etc I just make what I fancy now and don't even ask him. When I do meal plan he literally cannot think of one single dinner. I wonder if he just cannot plan at all, like his brain can't do it. He's good at other things like fixing stuff around the house etc.

overitall1 · 25/08/2022 14:23

Spudlover · 25/08/2022 13:04

I sympathise, I have one like this. He’s a passenger in our lives, I drive everything.

Its kind of in my nature to take control so conflict has been lower than it could have been. It’s pretty bloody frustrating though and yes, not very attractive.

Exactly the same here. I do make him do some stuff, but really is irksome!

WallaceinAnderland · 25/08/2022 14:23

Was he different when you first got together and if so, why has he changed?

Aposterhasnoname · 25/08/2022 14:29

My DH does this. He says he’s “trying to please me” why the fuck he thinks that having to make all the decisions would please me is anyones guess. Anyway I’ve started making a point of choosing things I know he doesn’t like. So Chinese for dinner, holidays planned round museum visits, night out to a karaoke bar etc. Oddly enough he’s started offering more of an opinion now.

Amperoblue · 25/08/2022 14:34

Another one here.
Mine uses obvious questions as some sort of conversation opener. Often it’s things he’s asked before and usually things I’ve sorted that he can’t be bothered to remember.Drives .me . nuts . If I don’t answer it’s me that’s being rude and unreasonable.
Every morning he asks “would you like a coffee?” regardless of the fact it’s the first thing I have every morning since we met ( 18 years ago). I have suggested he just says “ I’ll go and make coffee” if he wants me to thank him but nope. Still the stupid question that he requires a response.

MyDogandClowns · 25/08/2022 15:21

I dunno @dodobookends ...

abovedecknotbelow · 25/08/2022 16:11

I've got one like this and have recently resorted to saying straight up 'why the fuck are you asking me, or if if he asks me something like what's the weather like 'your phone is on your hand use google or ask alexa'

It's deeply unattractive

Libre55 · 25/08/2022 16:26

I have one just the same. I can’t stand the mental loading.we normally have his db and family round every summer, but I decided to leave it all to him. Nothing has happened. I have to plan and book every holiday or we would end up not going. It is like having a large child in the house. He was hoovering the other day and the thing jammed so he was trying to clear the blockage. ‘How does 5his open?’ He says. How the hell do I know? It’s a new machine. Just YouTube it, like I would. I have to push him to do everything. He once had £30k in his current account, and I had to nag him for weeks to open a savings account/ move it to another place. He just bumbles along…. He has @ professional job, responsible for controlling millions of pounds, but outside of work his middle name is ‘can’t be arsed’.

Theredjellybean · 25/08/2022 16:40

I genuinely think a lot of it is they just do not care, they really do not care what dinner is that night, they do not care if they never have a family holiday, many men as they get older get less sociable so do not care if they never attend another neighbourhood bbq/parents event/family get together...
they literally do not care if these things do not happen
we women find that a hard concept..and think they do/will care and cannot understand why they wont help sort these things.

It is coupled with learned helplessnesslife needs organising and mostly that is boring/dull/takes time and is not of much interest to them..they do not want to ponder the different pros and cons of a hundred different all inclusive beach hotels in turkey....they just would book one...
So by being useless and apparently unable to make a decision...we the women take over and make them...and then we stop asking them to help us and we come on MN and vent..and the men are never subjected to dull decision making again.

the answer is either divorce, love single life and be happy just carrying your own mental load.
or
just accept they will not give you what you want and make all the decisions and organising yourself, doing exactly what you want.
or
try to force change by giving specific decision/organising tasks to them ( this i found bred more resentment as i had to then tell them what they had to do anyway) or go on strike, and dont organise anything but often you and DC suffer more as the man DOES NOT CARE....if he has no holiday/family christmas/cards sent to his relatives etc

Theredjellybean · 25/08/2022 16:42

that said i would take the 'how the fuck should i know' line for day to day stuff such as answering phone, or fixing hoover etc
i did do this with dexh ( he is not ex for this reason) ...i did lots of 'how should i know ' followed by a shrug and wander off....it worked a treat and he stopped asking those stupid questions

tryharder100000000 · 25/08/2022 16:45

Oooo this is my very senior boss who is paid ££££. He really hates making a decision, he lives with the fence post up his arse.

I think he hired me as I like making decisions and do so very fast. And don’t care much about the outcomes.

I often wonder about his poor wife.

Schmordle · 25/08/2022 16:47

Oh god I think I might be the one like this in my relationship! DH is naturally proactive, driven and decisive. I probably don’t always trust my own opinion, am indecisive and generally less driven than him. It’s not that I’m lazy, I’m always busy doing things but when it comes to making decisions and moving our lives forward it does tend to be led by him. Food for thought here!

Drivebye · 25/08/2022 17:06

Sorry don't believe they just don't care. If my DP says he doesn't mind what we have for dinner and I say 'ok I'll do a prawn risotto'
He immediately cares because he doesn't like prawns. He cares when it's something HE doesn't like.

Holidays similar - amazing hue booking a boys golf trip makes him suddenly care about which courses etc. if he cares, it's fir him.

What I think women need to understand is that we are conditioned to care for others and think/worry about they want, especially men. More women need to put themselves first from the start.

House a tip when your parents are coming - why do I care!

BigFatLiar · 25/08/2022 17:06

We’re booking a holiday - you just choose. I tell him I want us to book it together. Why should I have all the responsibility?

Dinner - refuses to offer an opinion, just says “whatever you cook is fine”. He has zero opinion & quite happy to sit back and just eat what’s served up.

Buying a house - you just choose some & I’ll have a look round. FFS this would be our new home.

These three I can sort of understand. If I left OH to book a holiday we'd stay at home and he'd be happy going down the allotment. He'd never choose a hot place but will come with me if I book it. The house, to him its where we live and he has no real attachment to it, his home is us and the children.
Meals, well he does most of the cooking and I'm the one who gets asked. I've fallen fowl of this and said 'anything' only to find him serving up liver, which he loves and I don't. If he asks and I don't make a choice he usually serves me liver.

My husband is also a very whatever sort of person as he knows I often have my own opinions and he'll go with the flow mostly as generally he's not bothered. If I tell him I want him to decide then I do accept that I may have to take one for the team if he does, (eg holiday in Blackpool in November).

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