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Original poster

For those who have a big age gap between children

45 replies

Mannymoomin · 22/08/2022 22:37

What’s everyone’s experiences of having a considerable age difference in children?

For background, I have 3 dc, aged 16,14,11
youngest will be starting secondary in a couple of weeks, and oldest starting an apprenticeship.

I’m 31, dh and I live a comfortable lifestyle, we have the space and the finances, dh has wanted another for a long time, me not so much.

Over the last 6 months I’ve been swinging from wanting another, to not, I know a lot of people don’t start with children until my age and I’m currently nearly done with parenting children, but for those who do have dcs/or even have siblings with a big age gap, what has the relationships been like?

OP posts:
NoWeaponsOnTheTable · 22/08/2022 22:41

I have a 15 and 6 yo. They squabble and adore each other in equal measure just like any siblings I presume.

GlamGiraffe · 22/08/2022 22:54

Mine have a 15year age gap. They really adore each other. It definitely not a problem age gap, no jealousy, problems with ytime sharing (or toy sharing). They happily keep each other company and get on but obviously are at completely different stages so there's never conflict. It's actually a really special bond.

ChickpeaFlour · 22/08/2022 22:57

From the examples I know in RL it has seemed that there’s something quite special about a little one with much older siblings, and they’ve been surprisingly close in the 3 families I know.
we have a small baby with older DC of 15 and 12 and so far it’s been lovely and I realise very early days! I do panic sometimes at the responsibility as I’m much older so it wasn’t planned but it helps we both love parenting. Also personally I prefer our older DC not to take on any responsibility for their small sibling as don’t see this as their job (though often of course they love helping and this is lovely). I know a lovely friend who as an adult now resents being expected to do so much for her youngest siblings when they were growing up but it hasn’t affected how much she loves them.

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Families
Joolsin · 22/08/2022 23:07

There's a 7.5 year gap between my two. The main downside when the younger was born was that older child's world shrank. We had been used to going places at the drop of a hat, going out for meals, cinema, beach, staying out a bit late on weekends etc. and suddenly everything had to be planned and organised, or only one parent could go. Now we're all past the baby/small child stage I wouldn't want to go back again!

buttergloss · 22/08/2022 23:08

Our gap was 10 years between the first and the second, we also went on to have another 2.5 years after the second , while there are some lovely sweet moments of course, I don't think there were any real positives in it for my older child and especially having two younger ones I often feel like they are so much more demanding of my time I literally can not give her the mum she used to have, it's even more evident in the summer holidays how hard it is and how much changed for us, we don't really do shopping trips together anymore , no cinema , no time together alone and while I hope we regain some of these experiences as the younger children grow up I will be honest and say I do feel that it may have permanently had a detrimental affect on my relationship with her and how close we are.

Thenthatsthatthen · 22/08/2022 23:14

From the perspective of the older child (14, 16 and 21 year age gaps) i love my younger siblings dearly but my relationship with my mum never recovered, as pp said after the eldest was born we never really got any 1:1 time during my teen/young adult years , no shopping trips, no meals out, rarely had time to sit and watch tv just us as she usually went to bed with the baby, can't remember a phone call that wasn't cut short/interrupted by the kids. I moved out at 18 and we've never been that close since. I also find the relationship with my siblings to be more similar to an aunt-nephew/nice relationship as opposed to a sibling one (although I did love and have very fond memories of taking them to all the fun family attractions-theme parks, zoos, the circus etc)

Original poster
Mannymoomin · 22/08/2022 23:16

Thank you for the insight.

My 3dc have a very good and close relationship, not all at the same time though! So I don’t worry about them feeling left out, I suppose it’s more of the other way around, the youngest one feeling alienated.

Like @ChickpeaFlour I think it’s wise to not to expect any “parenting” from the older children though.

I think another part of me worries at the thought of starting again with nappy’s and school run though.

On the other hand, the very fact I’m considering it makes me think another addition is eventually inevitable.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2022 23:26

On the other hand, the very fact I’m considering it makes me think another addition is eventually inevitable.

Why?!

Original poster
Mannymoomin · 22/08/2022 23:26

@Thenthatsthatthen that’s really hard, I’ve never had a close relationship with my mum so I try to avoid making the same mistakes myself so my own children don’t ever feel the same.
It’s not really a perspective I’ve put much thought into though as I can never imagine not really being there for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mannymoomin · 22/08/2022 23:28

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2022 23:26

On the other hand, the very fact I’m considering it makes me think another addition is eventually inevitable.

Why?!

Because up until recently, I’ve never given it a second thought and always considered my shop well and truly closed.

OP posts:
HippeePrincess · 22/08/2022 23:32

With dc those ages I wouldn’t. I’ve started again with a new dp my dc are 7 & 11 and I feel that’s hard enough, I was definitely done and if dp didn’t want one I would have closed the shop for good!

AlexandriasWindmill · 22/08/2022 23:35

My nearest sibling is 10 years older. They definitely resented me. They hated not being the youngest any more. They complained I was parented differently.
Once we were adults, we were slightly closer but tbh I always felt more like an only child because even our 'shared' experiences produced completely different memories because of the age gap. It's quite lonely when the other siblings are close in age and have shared experiences, and you're tagged on.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 22/08/2022 23:44

Seven years between myself and my sibling. We fought and squabbled constantly as children as the age gap meant we had no common ground, so our interests were totally different and the parents trying to compel us to play together just led to fights and fall outs. We couldn't stand each other as kids and are still fundamentally different as adults so have no relationship whatsoever.

I have no regrets about not being friends as adults as I don't see why we necessarily have to be, but I do regret having my childhood made much more miserable than it needed to be because of an endlessly irritating younger sibling who got away with murder, and was never disciplined due to being mother's favourite. Obviously I don't hold that against my sibling as it's not their fault, they were just a small child, but I think it's a mistake to believe siblings will always get along and care about each other. We never got along, and I don't miss my sibling one iota.

TheresSomethingYouNeedToKnow · 22/08/2022 23:53

Your time to focus on you is now. If I spent some of my Teens, 20s parenting, there's no way I would start again @31.

Can't comment on the age gap as my age gap is very small between my two (primary age)

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/08/2022 00:06

I was never seen as part of their family, just their mother's irritating new pet. Which felt pretty shit, really, once I found out that was what they thought of me.

Once I hit 16, they completely cut me off.

pumpkinpie01 · 23/08/2022 00:12

I have 3 older dc with 4 years between each of them then a 12 year gap. The older one has never lived with the younger one (20 yr gap) but we do have days out together which is lovely . For the last year it's as if our youngest is an only child as they have all left home now . He loves it when they come to visit and used to get upset when they left but he is used to it now . I made sure none of them were used as free childcare , in fact I could count on one hand how many times they babysat . I think that's quite important- that they aren't expected to help out unless they actually want to . All in all if I hadn't had a very hands on partner it would have been v hard work - a new born , girl going into adolescence and lad in last year of school . One minute I was dealing with a terrible nappy , the next helping with GCSE revision .

pumpkinpie01 · 23/08/2022 00:13

@NeverDropYourMooncup omg that's bloody awful , so sorry .

crazycrofter · 23/08/2022 00:17

My husband is no 4 of 5. The first four span seven years from youngest to oldest. No. 5 is 11 years younger than dh. She was properly spoiled but she’s always got on well with two of her older siblings and sporadically with another one, but he’s difficult anyway. She grew up alongside nephews and nieces who were just 3/4 years younger than her. She’s very much at the centre of the extended family now.

Wouldloveanother · 23/08/2022 00:18

Starting again when you’re 31 and will be absolved of nearly all responsibility by the time you’re 38?! You’re mad, lady 😉

sorry not the point of the thread but did you have the oldest when you were 15? That must’ve been tough. Sounds like you did a great job with them!

To actually answer your thread, the families I know which huge age gals… hmm. They seem close but I think it’s more because the older siblings have to ‘parent’ the younger ones to a degree. To be honest I don’t think you older kids would enjoy a screaming baby in the house at exam time, however the decision is ultimately one for you!

Original poster
Mannymoomin · 23/08/2022 00:29

@Wouldloveanother was 14 still when I had dc1, a secret pregnancy and absolutely no choice in the matter, it was hell rather than tough! I did meet my knight in shining armour when dc1 was tiny though so I suppose that helped!

But yes, I’m absolutely mad to even be considering this, long and hard thinking is in order, it’s all swings and roundabouts

OP posts:
Lavendersparkles22 · 23/08/2022 00:41

I'm the youngest of 4, the other 3 all close in age and a big gap until me (different dads). They resented me having an "easier" life and Still do. They all had kids young and i waited until my 30s so our kids are wildly different ages for cousins. I wouldn't have chosen this set up.

Remaker · 23/08/2022 01:02

I’m the youngest with a decent sized gap though not as big as the one you’re contemplating. My experiences were:


  • a very lonely childhood

  • parents who’d been there done that with every experience I had so nothing was fun for them. Was dragged around to adult activities as they were sick of kid stuff.

  • siblings treated me like a little kid until I was well into my 20s which was annoying

  • siblings who felt they had the right to ‘discipline’ me because they were older

  • parents ran out of fucks to give when I was about 15 so I had very few rules or boundaries. Turned out ok but could have gone badly wrong


My mother talks about how great the experience was for her but is oblivious to how it was for me. I went the other way and have 17 mths between my kids.

France98 · 23/08/2022 01:18

GlamGiraffe · 22/08/2022 22:54

Mine have a 15year age gap. They really adore each other. It definitely not a problem age gap, no jealousy, problems with ytime sharing (or toy sharing). They happily keep each other company and get on but obviously are at completely different stages so there's never conflict. It's actually a really special bond.

This.

There are 14 years between my two children and they have an amazing relationship and bond.

garlictwist · 23/08/2022 05:53

My friend had a third child when his two eldest were 12 and 13. The older two have now left home and the youngest is 14. For the past few years he has said he sort of regrets having the youngest as he would have had his life back some time ago if he hadn't.

Dinoteeth · 23/08/2022 06:14

Op really you should be looking forward to some time to yourself. I can't imagine how tough it must have been to be a teen mum.
It almost sounds like you are worried about empty nest syndrome. Feeling surplus to requirements now your kids are growing up and becoming more independent.

Maybe you should look at working with children (teaching, childrens nursing, childminder, emergancy fostering) some other way to have young children in your life without the 24/7 commitment

For what it's worth I've a 6 year gap and it's like raising two only children. Never really at the same stage. Even a trip to the cinema involves splitting up and seeing different films.