For those who have a big age gap between children

[Mannymoomin]

What’s everyone’s experiences of having a considerable age difference in children?

For background, I have 3 dc, aged 16,14,11
youngest will be starting secondary in a couple of weeks, and oldest starting an apprenticeship.

I’m 31, dh and I live a comfortable lifestyle, we have the space and the finances, dh has wanted another for a long time, me not so much.

Over the last 6 months I’ve been swinging from wanting another, to not, I know a lot of people don’t start with children until my age and I’m currently nearly done with parenting children, but for those who do have dcs/or even have siblings with a big age gap, what has the relationships been like?

I have a 21 yr age gap between first three and last one. Elder three were 25,23 and 21 by the time last one arrived. I was 42. Last child is now 21
They adore their youngest brother and the youngest two especially have a very close bond despite the age gap.

There's thirteen years between me and my next oldest sibling. Two older siblings then me and a close younger sibling, same parents. It was like two different families. I'm not close to my elder siblings, they'd moved out/grown up by the time I remember anything. We don't bother with each other much. I'm very close to my younger sibling.

My experience of a big age gap is that family holidays/days out etc become much trickier once the youngest is a toddler. It’s hard to find things that work for both a teen and a toddler and it somewhat splits us apart to one parent being with the younger child and the other to the older child.

We have 32, 22 and 16 year olds. The eldest has moved on and given us grandchildren, the 22 year old has just moved back in after university (!) and the 16 year old has just done gcses! It's been a long long time but they all get on incredibly well now. The gaps were noticeable more when they were all younger but to be honest, it was easier in a lot of ways.

11 years between my eldest and youngest and they have adored one another from day one.

I have another child 2 years older than my youngest who doesn't have an easy relationship with either of them sadly!

Four of my siblings were much older than me, one has already died. We had age gaps a bit like the ones you have.

I am in my fifties. If nature does what it should I expect to have to attend three more funerals a long time before I die and lose all those siblings. It’s something people don’t think of when they are thinking of having a huge age gap. I barely knew my brother as he was 18 when I was born and left to join the navy when I was a few months old. My experience put me off large families and large age gaps. My sons cousins are all in their forties and two are 50 and not much younger than me, he is only 21.

I’m the younger child of a big age gap and have always hated it.

• Sibling felt more like a third parent or older bully.
• Sibling had a decade of only child bonding, I had no alone time as they moved out after me. Always felt they had a stronger bond with parents.
• Family still sees me as a child.
• Expected to behave the same as my sibling. Harder to connect to my peers as forced to be more mature from a young age. Never felt I got to be a real kid much.
• Sibling would always get their own way as older and more money/freedom despite being very immature for age (perhaps due spending a lot of time with me). Felt like I was the older sibling so had to be even more mature to match sibling’s life stage. For a smaller age gap this would have been easier.
• Felt like I not allowed to do normal life stage things (e.g. dating) as my sibling had not yet done this.
• Sibling was easily able to take advantage of me.
• Sibling remembered more embarrassing (but normal) things I did as a child.
• Sibling showed me inappropriate movies when I was preschool age.
• Parents felt much older and out of touch.
• My mother went through the menopause at a normal age, with a lot of mood swings, difficult to handle as a young child.
• Parents felt that as they had done things at the time of my sibling, so no need to do these for me.
• Parents resented me for preventing them from retiring or returning to work.

Madness. As someone said you're on you're way to life getting much easier. You have 3 healthy children. As you get older there is a higher risk of a child with disabilities - NOT that it's a problem but it could turn your life upside down for ever.

Get a puppy, that will remind you of how hard it is and can be your new baby.

I have an 11 year old and a baby. Different dads so if there was ever going to be another baby there would have inevitably been a big gap.

It's not been easy. It's hard finding things to do with them both at the same time. These holidays have been a struggle because things I'd usually do with my eldest (cinema, days out to the city etc) are now not possible. My eldest is quite detached from the baby because why would an 11 year old find a crying, pooping baby interesting? As she grows up I do think they will become closer.

I've found caring for the baby easier in the sense that my eldest is quite independent so I've not got a baby and a toddler to get ready in a morning - he can sort himself out. But they obviously won't grow up playing together and by the time she's his age he may even have moved out.

Going back to having a baby in the house after all this time has taken some adjusting to but I wouldn't have it any other way, it's harder in some ways now that I'm older but I also feel a lot more confident and relaxed because I've done it all before.

There are pros and cons whichever way you do it but ultimately a baby is a blessing (I think so anyway!)

Op I've just re-read your partner wants another child.

I'm questioning how old is he, has he had time as an independent / carefree adult?

Is he trying to keep you tied down?

I really think there is more to this than just wanting a baby. Your youngest is at an age when you could be thinking about training, college or something With a view to saving for retirement. Starting with another baby I'd guarantee you'll end up thinking 'Oh I might as well have another' so you'll end up with another 7 or 8 years of pre-school children and costs associated with that.
Meanwhile your older children become teens and adults who you struggle to go and do 'grown up' stuff with because your up to your eyes in nappies.

I really think you should have some "me" time to live life, go to gigs, maybe even the odd nightclub and holidays without the issues of tiny kids.

Mine are 51,45,39,30 all get on brilliantly never any jealousy. Worst problem was other people being incredibly rude about the age gaps, even complete strangers. I was told I would never be able to have any.

My experience as the youngest child in this situation wasn’t great. I longed for a sibling near my own age, and felt like an only child once my sisters left home. I was spoilt compared to them (more freedom, parents had more money) and this led to resentment.

My sisters (two years between them) have always been much closer to each other than they are to me. Quite natural, but has left me feeling left out a lot of the time (even now we’re all adults). Their children are also close in age while my DD is younger, so she won’t have the close relationship her other cousins do.

I often think it would be different if I only had one older sibling, but having sisters close in age, then a big gap, then one more child, isn’t a great family dynamic.

I'm in a similar situation had DD at 20 she's now 9 and it feels too late for me to have any more children. It will disrupt her life too much and our lives we are incredibly settled , financially well off. I'm 29 so have a few more years to decide but I'm 99 percent sure I'm done.

I have a 10 year old and a 1 year old. They adore each other, no jealousy issues, I'm so glad to have them both and that they have each other. Who knows how they'll get on when older but so far I think they'll be close. DS would like her to be closer to his age so they could play together properly (wasn't possible in my situation) but he is still so glad to have her iyswim. I'm not sure how he'd feel if he had siblings closer to his age though already though.

I guess for you it'd be different as the little one wouldn't have siblings of similar age to play with unless you went for another two. I'm used to my older DS being quite needy with me and/or needing to take a friend on outings etc and it'll be the same in a few years with DD I'm guessing although she's a more independent character so may not be as needy!

Thank you everyone, it’s nice to have lots of different perspectives.
I’m definitely not worried about any of my children leaving home, dc2 is made for the big wide world and is so sure about studying medicine in the future, I’ve already accepted that they’ll more likely than not emigrate.

dh is older than me, yes, but it’s not a case at all that he wants to tie me down, I do as I please, as does he, we have a good relationship and he’s very hands on.

We’ve got 15 years left on our mortgage and have a good business, neither of us had any input or inheritance from family so we started from scratch ourselves, I’ve always thought an early retirement and travel the world a bit, which is why I’ve always considered being done.

I don’t why I have this little niggle about 1 more, from what I’ve read though, one wouldn’t be fair and it’d have to be 2 to try and cancel out any negative feelings.
And I know I definitely don’t want 2 more, I may just wait for grandkids, seems crazy to being saying at 31!

I have a parrot and a cat, I definitely don’t need a puppy in the mix too 😂

I have 3 dc, 7, 20 and 22. So elder were 13 and 15. It's like having an only child in terms of them growing up without similar age siblings. But they have a lovely relationship and ds gets loads of love and attention. Plus his sisters do loads with him and will babysit. The down side is less money due to mat leave/working part time. So we can't treat the elder ones as we could have if it were just them. The tiredness and sleepless nights meant we were less willing to be taxis so dd's became a lot more independent more quickly. They did get jealous at times too of fact ds got more attention and the teenage hormones along side pregnancy hormones and terrible twos meant the first few years were pretty horrific. And now they are adults if they choose to have children in next ten years I will be less available to support.

This. If you have kids young, you get to live a bit more when they're older and you're still 30s/40s. If you have kids when you're older, you've experienced life more in your 20s/part of your 30s.

If you have kids for a good proportion of your fertile period, you never get time to just be you.

Late baby here. 16/14/8 years between me & siblings: Grew up largely alone as everyone moved out by the time I was 11 or so. My folks were super relaxed having a second bite of the parenting channel and consequently our relationship was a) amazing b) super close. Only really had a relationship with eldest sibling. They were fantastic to me when I was little & have been always there for me as wise old sibling. Now ruin my children and are adored. Lost my parents in the pandemic. Had a horrendous experience with 2/3 siblings. Consequently have blocked them and won’t ever see them again. Don’t feel I’ve missed out in any way, grew up with a great group of friends who were more like family than they ever were.

theres nearly ten years between my eldest and youngest and it’s hard to find things or places to go that are of ingest to both of them. On the other hand There’s 13 years between my two siblings and as adults it’s no big deal and they get on well….
in your situation i would start looking for the things that you can do that a baby would make more difficult e.g holidays etc.

*interest not ingest