Intense friendship help

[Sundaycoffee]

Hi all,

I have a friend who I have known for 6 years now. We became particularly close during covid due to the fact we were both single and living alone so spent a lot of time communicating via text.
Since the world has opened up again she is just as intense if not more so. Mainly via text messages.
She sends long and detailed texts (ones I look at and think I don't even know where to start with a reply!) And frequently throughout the day. Double and triple texting (all unrelated subjects), even if I haven't had the chance to respond yet to her first message.

Today I finally replied to a couple of days worth of messages I hadn't got round to yet with a voicenote and I received close to 30 separate WhatsApp messages back. She listens to the voicenotes I send and replies to every single point I make as she listens to it and then the cycle starts again.

I have tried not replying and being short with her, but that hasn't made a difference. Today I said wow 30 messages- I'm sorry but I can't reply to all those! She said that's fine its just my style, but I don't want that regardless.

The issue is that she never pressures me to respond and when I tell her I'm busy or don't have time to respond all the time it's all very like "that's fine, don't worry at all!" But the contant stream of messages never stop and although she's telling me not to worry about not responding straight away, but by the time i actually get round to respond I feel annoyed and touchy and I still feel that underlying pressure to respond when she's triple texting me, despite her not directly chasing me.

When I don't reply much or I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks she tells me how much she misses me and "we haven't caught up in ages, what's going on with you?!" it sounds awful, but I don't feel the same!

The issue here really is that she's fine just blowing up my phone regardless of whether I reply or not and tells me she doesn't mind if I don't reply to the same length as her, but really I don't want her to send them fullstop! I don't feel like I can say to her "I know you aren't pressuring me to respond but regardless can you stop texting me so much as its really annoying"
I thought me spacing out replies and telling her directly that I'm not going to respond to 30 plus messages would be a hint enough but it hasn't changed anything!

Help!

Just carry on as you are, ie. Responding only once a week.

I knew someone just like this (wonder if its the same person haha) and I realised it wasn't a real friendship, she was just using me as someone to text. In the end I stopped replying and she quickly moved onto doing it to someone else!

OP that would drive me nuts, to the extent I'd feel harassed. Which understandably is how you feel.

If the direct approach isn't working, you could try replying once a week as previous poster suggested, but in no more than 3 words I.e. "That's a shame" "That sounds good" "OK great" "Get well soon" etc.

It's the reverse of your friend that sends an essay, and equally irritating. She'll either pull you up on it and you can reiterate you can't reply more than that to all her messages. Or, she will find your dialogue so dull she'll give up and move on 🙂

Harassed is definitely a good word to describe how I feel!
Received a 3 minute voicenote today talking about the minutiae of her day for example: how much trouble she's having packing for holiday with examples of what's she's debating bringing and not bringing (nobody asked!)
We see each other once a month or so (it would be more if it was up to her) so why can't we just catch up then?
Why do we need daily updates?
I feel like an awful friend as she's very "flowery" and enthusiastic in her texts. Hope you're "fab" "miss you, when are we next meeting up xxx" etc etc so for me to just reply "Good thanks" just seems so mean but god it's draining me

I feel like we know the same person OP or perhaps they are a type ! I took to muting her chats a few months ago and responding with one sentence to her 3 long paragraphs . The feeling of dread when you see her name ‘is typing ‘ just not enough hours in the day for that much intensity .

I received close to 30 separate WhatsApp messages back

this sentence really stood out to me . 30!!???

a few questions @Sundaycoffee Do you want to remain friends? Do you enjoy your monthly meet-ups? Or do you want to get rid altogether?

if you like the monthly meet-ups then just write in texts ‘it’s a bit long for a text. I’ll tell you when I see you. Looking forward to catching up in person.’

I had a friend like this . It was insane what she expected of me. She used to ring almost every day. Amazingly we’re friends now and finally on mutual terms after decades of only suiting her. It’s so much better. She still tries to push back in but I resist and I had to be quite upfront once (after a rake of booze!). To be honest I don’t really like talking on the phone anymore or constant texting.

It sounds like she just thinks you’re closer than you are, and there’s a mismatch of communication styles.

I text like this with my 2 closest friends. We go back and forth- I send Friend a bunch of texts when I’m free, including random inane stuff, and when she’s free she sends an equal number of texts replying & adding her own inane nonsense. I like having all those messages, reading them, knowing she’s thinking of me and vice versa. I don’t always have time to reply right away but I want to respond to everything she’s said so wait until I have time to do it. And likewise, both friends work the same way. We also send quick messages if we see something that reminds us of the other (I saw a skirt Friend would love)- I sent her a pic saying it looked her style. There’s still no obligation to reply to the conversational messages til
you get the chance.

It’s just how we chat. One of these friends I’ve known for 20 years and we were the same as children, we lived streets away and would post rambling letters to each other during the holidays!

It doesn’t work for you but doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with her, just the friendship isn’t right.

She doesn’t seem to have picked up on your hints at all though. My friend didn’t seem to think about what I wanted or needed and kept constantly contacting me even when I made myself less and less available . Sometimes we need to be pretty overt

I’d maybe put a date in the diary to meet up with her and then say I’m trying to cut back on the time spent on my phone/social media so not to take it personally she doesn’t get a reply to messages.

Then adjust your WhatsApp privacy settings if necessary and gush about looking forward to a proper catch up and spending quality time together at proper meet ups from now on.

I replied to her most recent message at how I was going on holiday so wanted to spend some time off my phone as work had been a bit tough. She replied saying hope you are ok etc. Here if you want to talk about it. Which I left and didn't reply to. 2 days later she has messaged me again saying saying "just checking in to make sure you are ok? No need to reply!" So really what is the point of asking if I'm ok if you're saying no need to reply? I just want some time on holiday to recharge without hearing from her. I'm only gone for 4 days!

You're going to have to be blunt. Hints don't work with bulldozers. It is harassment, overt neediness, and unfair to you.

I've debated whether to reply, as I wondered if I'd just rant about my similar friend rather than offer any meaningful advice to you @Sundaycoffee

Mine is also a WhatsApp demon ....at the most basic level she sends dozens of short messages one after the other, whereas I send one with all relevant info! She lives "overseas" and seems to have adopted the local communication style ... I'm being vague as I'm conscious it's a sweeping statement on my part - but it just sounds so false. it would be like this daily. I often assumed it was so frequent because we didn't have the daily interaction otherwise ... I didn't see her at work, or for a quick coffee or lunch, or even a weekend night out .... so I felt I was getting all the detail of her everyday life in a bunch of texts rather than "naturally", it felt like she was listing what she'd done that day rather than it come out in conversation.

I've done 2 things - one was to mute the WhatsApp notification, admittedly I still see that she's sent 18 messages since Friday night but it doesn't pop up on screen with a preview of every message. It seems like I can manage it better in my own time.

And I've stopped replied immediately .... when I once said I wasn't a fan of voice notes, she said she liked them because she could send in her own time, rather than missing out on a telephone call because she was busy - I realised that you can use a method of communication because it suits you or because it suits the other person. Immediate, daily responses didn't suit me - so I've slowed down my responses.

I think it's working - she's not messaged since Monday. I know it's a balance, because she may well be feeling that I've been in touch enough?? But I know that she's the person who messages me most and none of my other friendships are suffering from "lack of contact", so there's always another way to make it work.

I do value her friendship genuinely, but I realised it doesn't have to be on her terms to make it work. I hope you find your balance.

I don't think there's any harm in her messaging to check you're ok whilst you're away. She's obviously thinking about you and said you didn't need to reply. But if you don't want constant communication that's fine. I'm wondering if you reciprocated this level of communication during lockdown? In which case it's become normal for her.

My closest friend and I chat nearly every single day on the phone. And I'm aware that she has a couple of other friends who she will exchange multiple messages and long voice notes with daily. So it's not abnormal to be tbis communicative but obviously it's not what you want which is also normal.

Do you actually want to maintain a friendship with her because you've not said one positive thing about her (unless I've missed that). If you do still want this friendship then you need to be open with her. Good friends shouldn't have to make hints with one another imo.

I don't think there's any harm in her messaging to check you're ok whilst you're away.

Did you miss this bit?!

Today I said wow 30 messages- I'm sorry but I can't reply to all those!

You need to set clear boundaries with your friend, OP. Maybe you can talk about it in person when you see each other. Just tell her how you feel about the text bombardment.

At the same time, this will be a good way to check if she's a true friend. A real friend will understand you when you set a boundary, and will respect it. If she gets upset about it, she's just offloading on you and there's no real connection, just connectivity.

My best friend from school and I will text all day every day. About everything minute detail, and with memes or funny pics etc.

i don’t text like this with other people, I read the room, but maybe this is just a difference of styles. Would you rather 30 messages or one long paragraph? I have a friend who does that instead.

id like to think I have a lot of friends who I speak to regularly and it often does take a lot of work, as seeing each other monthly doesn’t feel very close. It takes hard work to keep people in your lives as you get older; maybe she’s trying hard. Nothing wrong with that. But maybe evaluate if you actually want tk be friends

I was referring to OP's latest update where she said her friend had messaged once to check the OP was ok. I wasn't saying it was ok to receive multiple messages as OP is obviously feeling harassed by that.

But to follow up 30 messages, be made aware it is overwhelming, and then poke about with another one...

It is perhaps hard to imagine what this feels like if you haven't experienced it. That avalanche of need. It isn't a normal friendship. Essentially, this behaviour isn't friendly. It makes one into a diary and/or teddybear - an object.

Yep received another one this morning a day after her previous message where she stated i dont need to reply. Which I didn't as I'm on holiday and had already told her I wanted time off my phone. This one just a "hope your holiday is going well and you are having a fab time!" Type of message.
So now I do feel pressured to reply as I've had 3 messages from her since Friday!
Do I ignore this one again or send a short "good thanks"?
I've already told her I wanted time away from my phone and not responded to her "no need to reply" text and now another has popped up!

Friendships are so awkward when they get like this.

I have found that the best way to deal with differences in friendship is to just be really honest. Kind, but blunt.

"Dear [friend], I feel very awkward sending this message because I care about you a lot and value your friendship. I am sending it precisely because I value you - so please take this in spirit of kindness with which it is intended.

I find the volume of messages that you send to be overwhelming. I appreciate that you don't expect me to reply to them all, but even so, it is still too much for me. I am feeling a bit harassed by them and this is not how I feel when we meet in person.

I am asking you to send fewer messages. Perhaps we could agree an amount/way of messaging that feels good for us both? I would prefer that ....xyz.... . I also really like it when we meet up and I'm looking forward to seeing you on x date.

Once again, I really appreciate your friendship and I hope we can find a way through this awkward moment that works for us both."

You just need to mute notifications from her and look at them maybe twice a week. But you need to speak to her in person and tell her she can’t send more than a couple a day or whatever is acceptable to you.

Her level of communication and need is not normal at all. I think even 30 messages from a lover a day would drive me up the wall.

It is the kind of level that ends a friendship and maybe why she is so focussed on you. She could be the nicest person in the world but it would peeve almost everyone unless they were also very needful.

Also there was a really good podcast on Best Friend Therapy about this, on toxic friendships

Do you actually want to be friends with her?

I feel sorry for your friend tbh. I think she values your friendship more than you. Perhaps she’s lonely, doesn’t have anyone else. I’ve sometimes sent a ‘just checking in’ message too to someone because I’ve not had a reply and it’s left me feeling shit about myself. Yes 30 messages is excessive but try thinking about why, the fact she says ‘don’t worry’ ‘you don’t need to reply’ signifies to me that she worries about your friendship and is trying hard to maintain it. I recognise these insecurities as I have them myself. If your someone who doesn’t suffer socially and has a great group of long term friends you’ve perhaps never felt like this.

OP as I watch this situation develop and and it becomes more apparent how your "friend" behaves, it frankly gives me a knot of panic in my stomach.

Having told this person numerous times you don't want all these messages, and don't have time to reply, and they STILL persist, my personality type is one that would ignore, block, RUN. This isn't the behaviour of a balanced friend, its someone who couldn't care less about your feelings or wants, it's all about them. As women we're conditioned to "be kind" (I hate that saying) at the expense of our own feelings and welfare.

OK lets imagine this was a man doing this to you. The overwhelming MN response would be they're unhinged, harassing, borderline stalker behaviour, with no regard for your feelings, and to change your number.