Intense friendship help

[Sundaycoffee]

Hi all,

I have a friend who I have known for 6 years now. We became particularly close during covid due to the fact we were both single and living alone so spent a lot of time communicating via text.
Since the world has opened up again she is just as intense if not more so. Mainly via text messages.
She sends long and detailed texts (ones I look at and think I don't even know where to start with a reply!) And frequently throughout the day. Double and triple texting (all unrelated subjects), even if I haven't had the chance to respond yet to her first message.

Today I finally replied to a couple of days worth of messages I hadn't got round to yet with a voicenote and I received close to 30 separate WhatsApp messages back. She listens to the voicenotes I send and replies to every single point I make as she listens to it and then the cycle starts again.

I have tried not replying and being short with her, but that hasn't made a difference. Today I said wow 30 messages- I'm sorry but I can't reply to all those! She said that's fine its just my style, but I don't want that regardless.

The issue is that she never pressures me to respond and when I tell her I'm busy or don't have time to respond all the time it's all very like "that's fine, don't worry at all!" But the contant stream of messages never stop and although she's telling me not to worry about not responding straight away, but by the time i actually get round to respond I feel annoyed and touchy and I still feel that underlying pressure to respond when she's triple texting me, despite her not directly chasing me.

When I don't reply much or I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks she tells me how much she misses me and "we haven't caught up in ages, what's going on with you?!" it sounds awful, but I don't feel the same!

The issue here really is that she's fine just blowing up my phone regardless of whether I reply or not and tells me she doesn't mind if I don't reply to the same length as her, but really I don't want her to send them fullstop! I don't feel like I can say to her "I know you aren't pressuring me to respond but regardless can you stop texting me so much as its really annoying"
I thought me spacing out replies and telling her directly that I'm not going to respond to 30 plus messages would be a hint enough but it hasn't changed anything!

Help!

I think a big part of the problem is that I find her energy very intense, so prefer her in small doses.
Unfortunately her intense extroverted energy means she doesn't do small doses.
She talks a lot and very fast, everything is "fab!" She is overly enthusiastic about everything. Just a simple coffee date will be texts leading up to it "I can't wait to see you, its been so long! I've missed you!" When i last saw her 2 weeks ago. And then the day of the date a 7am text "TODAY!!! So excited for our #girlsdate" with a thousand other emojis and hashtags.
She is all about the 'gram so our meet ups can never just be a casual catch up. Everything needs to be documented and posted all over social media and our conversations are often broken with me having to take photos of her if we walk past something instgram worthy.

Last time I saw her I said I was having a crap week at work and she turned up with a bag of novelty gifts wrapped for me- totally unnecessary and waste of her money.

I feel so petty and complaining about her when she's just being overly friendly and trying to connect but as an introvert I find it draining and a pressure to respond in a high energy way which I don't feel inside.

None of my other friends are like this. We will meet for coffee and have a good catch up. There is no huge lead up to it, no photos. Just nice conversations and catching up- all very low key.

I had a friend like this and in the end I couldn't keep the friendship up anymore. I would just tell her you don't have much time in the days to text anymore so you'll reply when you can. I'm sure once she knows you don't have the time for it she will look for someone who does. It's not easy it totally sympathise with you

Yes what she is doing is too much, absolutely. I completely agree. However in addition to that fact, I think you also don't seem to like her that much?

How is it toxic??? Yes she's being a bit intense, might be caused by insecurity etc but that's not toxicity ffs!
A toxic friend is one who puts you down, causes you hurt in one way or another. Takes from you.

I just don’t think her friendship is for you OP. And that’s OK. It’s like she’s a fishmonger and you’re looking for a cobbler.

@ThePumpkinPatch

"How is it toxic???"

I think relationships like this can feel toxic to the person who is feeling harassed. It's like she doesn't have a voice; or that her voice/wants/needs are being ignored and ridden roughshod over in favour of the other's.

The sad thing is friendships like this usually don't last and the 'overbearer' is often left bewildered and confused. If only they'd listen with respect, together both can build a friendship that suits them both. People
Like this often can't.

@ThePumpkinPatch if you listen to the podcast.......!!

Oh OP, I feel anxious just reading your posts. I have a friend who sends long texts littered with emojis, not one or two but 17+, and even that makes my heart sink.

I know you have had good times with this friend in the past but that does not make any of this ok.

It’s weird how we tiptoe around pushy people. They trample all over our boundaries but we hesitate to push back.

Your friend is confusing you with the flowery messages; what she is actually doing is harassing you.

I think you are going to have to either mute her for a week then see how you feel, or be very direct and I say, this is too much, I can’t deal with all your messages. Let’s dial it right back.

Do you even want to stay in touch?

I disagree. This friendship is very toxic to the OP, it is making her unwell.

If this was a romantic relationship, rather than an unbalanced friendship, and the man was exhibiting one tenth of these over-the-top, demanding, needy, insistent, boundary-smashing behaviours, no-one would be saying, "Oh, poor guy, he's just a bit insecure, he's probably anxious... He's showing you he values you..."

I had a friend like this but she was very negative. I was getting increasingly uncomfortable being such a focus of her attention and we had little left in common as she's fallen out with a lot of the other people that go to the group we used to have in common (because intense and negative). I have just cut contact with her after a string of messages asking if I was ok and complaining that she hadn't seen me in a while. I feel a lot of relief. I do feel sorry for her but she has so many coping strategies available to her that she isn't using. I'd say look after yourself. Friendships should bring joy and it sounds like this is making you feel pressured and uncomfortable. Don't meet up with her unless you really want to. My stomach lurched at the thought of having to meet up with her. That was a sign there was something not right with the situation.

How about

’you are a lovely friend but I have to say I’m really not a texter. I need to have time away from screens. Let’s meet for a coffee when I’m back. Have a good week and I’ll be in touch.’

would that work?!

I have got a friend who messages me a lot - not quite on this scale but l find it quite intrusive and suffocating. She asks me every single day what l ammdoing and who l am seeing then follows it up with how did it go etc. Whenever l am holiday, she will message me to make plans ages in the future so of course l leave it til l get home tiredly but it is draining.
When she isn't so intense, l really enjoy her company but it is too much.

Just introduce her to Mumsnet and she can post the minutiae of her life on here like everyone else

This friend is taking from her. Demanding her time, taking away her peace and quiet with the constant needy messages, taking mental energy from her on a daily basis.

Urgh I had this from my SIL. Long rambling messages and voice notes about the most mundane things. She would send a paragraph (with zero punctation) with excruciating detail about the housework she'd done that day. She doesn't work and has a very small life, I work crazy hours and have very little down time. If I didn't respond she'd call my DH and 'check' I was ok.

It ended when I called her out on something else; she was pretty toxic, tried to sabotage my wedding, ruined my 30th (I'm now in my 40s so I forgave a lot over the years) and last year she abandoned me on a night out leaving me alone in town having had far too much to drink and I sent her a WhatsApp in the morning asking what the fuck. She blocked me and I haven't spoken to her since.

Long story short, piss her off and she might leave you alone 😁

It's unclear as to whether you actually value the friendship and want to find a path forward. Or you just feel like a message receptacle (not the right word..)

Plan A keep friendship
'Hi df, I'm feeling very overwhelmed by the amount of messages I'm receiving at the moment. I've spoken to everyone. So please only send at the most one short message a day. Save the chat for when we meet up, thanks for understanding'

And only reply to the first message of each day, ignoring all other.

Plan B loose friendship
'Dexf, I'm sorry but I'm very overwhelmed by the constant and lengthy messages I'm getting each day. I'm going to have to take a step back from our friendship. I hope you understand'