How can I get my 9yo to actually talk

[goldiepineapple]

Noticing more and more during the holidays that my 9yo has developed a way of communicating that only involves the words yes and no. It's so frustrating.

When she's FaceTiming relatives for example they'll say how was your day and she will say yes. Then stop. Then they fill in the gaps. For the last few weeks I've insisted she forms a sentence when speaking to me but it's so painful because she will pause for ages before saying a sentence.

Beginning to wonder if something is wrong and why she can't develop the sentences that are more usual to a conversation. Constant yes/no all day long is driving me crazy too! Any advice welcome even if it's that I shouldn't be so concerned?!

What was she like before the holidays?
Is she seeing her friends and talking to them normally?

Is she doing this purposefully? Do you know that she can actually say full sentences?

Also, any concerns from teachers at school or is this just a home thing?

What does she say to open questions? What/where/how/why? Surely she can't answer these with yes/no?

Yes she was like this before the holidays. Always yes/no. All of her friends are away she is at an international school and lots of people have gone back to their respective countries. I have tried really hard to find anyone who can play with her but only a couple of friends have seen her and she has a 9 week summer holiday (!). Which obviously cannot be helping as she has no inclination to speak. But I've seen her in a range of opportunities to speak and she simply says yes/no in all of them. I've noticed her friends generally love talking so much it doesn't get noticed too much!

I'm quite sure that she does it in school as well. I don't think it's on purpose so much as it's her way. Ie she has found this method that is really easy and doesn't involve much effort I think?

I am worried because it frustrates anyone who speaks to her and people end up avoiding her as a result.

So when you say where is your bag she says yes. Then I'll say yes is not the answer, where is your bag, I'm asking for a place. But by this time I just want to pull my hair out. She's 9. She knows I'm sure but she's got this habit now of just saying yes no or not listening at all. I do actually think she hears me though.
It doesn't seem to be maliciously done though, more that it's at her convenience to not speak so she sees how few words she can get away with.

That’s not usual OP. I suggest speech therapy, it might be a form of selective mutism.

This is extreme I must say and If i were in your shoes I'd be a bit concerned.

Does she ever initiates conversation? Like if she needs something how does she ask?

She's 9 has she always done this ?
Surely not ,or you would have noticed before .

I’m no expert but when so did speech therapy with my son for stammering the idea was to remove pressure to speak and encourage simple speech which could be praised by playing games like Guess Who - quite good for her because she will get her turn at yes/no but she will need to ask you questions too. The reward for speaking in sentences is winning!
Ive no idea whether this technique is appropriate for your circumstances but it seems a good idea.
The sentences she says are very simple in structure and repetitive so not a massive challenge for her and you can encourage her with things like ‘ooh, good question!’ etc

This sounds too extreme to be laziness. If it's new behaviour and she used to talk in sentences I would be seeing your GP and maybe asking for a neurology referral. If it's not new behaviour then could be SEN, maybe an auditory processing issue?

Does she talk on her own terms? Is it just in response to questions or does she never say anything other than yes no? If she isn't talking other than yes or no then that's something that needs expert help. Humans have a need to speak, express their ideas and socially interact, not talking is not easier. Unless you mean she only does this in response to your questions.

My DD is 10 and will say what she thinks I want to hear if I ask her a question like where's your bag "I don't know", but she never stops talking about the things that interest her. Does your DD not talk to you about her interests?

This doesn't sound like laziness to me, or something she is doing on purpose. It could be a sort of selective mutism maybe as a pp suggested or perhaps a processing issue of some sort - auditory processing disorder for example. She might be struggling to process the question you are asking and so just say yes or no in the hope that it's the right answer. She might need much more time to give the right answer but she might also be very aware that people expect an answer very quickly. I think you need to be really, really calm and patient with her. If it's clear that she is driving you crazy then the anxiety is likely to make it much worse.

I definitely think it needs looking into though.

Of you have her two choices, like say, so you want chocolate ice cream or strawberry ice cream? What would she answer?

Is she bi, or multi, lingual?

@JuneOsborne I haven't really thought about that one I'm going to check when I give her lunch and give her an option.

@Choconut yes this is what I'm worried about that she is selectively being mute in particular situations but not on purpose. It's almost like she's evolved to this when previously as a toddler she was able to use complete sentences to answer people. Now we have yes/no answer to almost everything it seems.

@ArborealArmadillo no she does not talk about her interests, in fact it's usually when her friends come over I realise how much more they talk than her. As an only dc it's difficult to gauge what's more normal. I interact with her all day, she is left alone some times when I have things to do but I put a lot of effort into interacting all day with her and speaking. We will read books together and I try to get words out but it can be difficult. I do get very frustrated internally and perhaps she's picking up on me leaving whenever I can no longer take the yes no answers! I try not to look angry but I am. I know that's a fault with me and not her though.

Also, she only has one language, English no other languages.

Parent of an ex selective mute here...

Can she read aloud?
Does she use speech at all in play when alone e.g. comment on what is happening in a game / film / well known programme?
Can she speak in routine, closed situations e.g. does she say 'goodnight'?
Can she 'follow a prepared script'? e.g. 'the waitress is going to ask you whether you want Margarita pizza or Pepperoni. You will need to say one or the other. Get the one that you need ready in your mind'.
Can she whisper e.g. 'Aunty X is going to ask how you are. Can you whisper to me and then I will be able to tell her?'
Do you give her a very long, calm, not under pressure time to produce her answers? e.g. 'Would you prefer one sausage or two?', then leave silence while you attend to something else e.g. cooking, serving everyone else

DS's selective mutism was school-induced and anxiety-related. He could not switch it off even at home. He could still read aloud, and did still use speech in solo play. He recovered via pre-prepared speech but it was near to 6 months before he spoke to anyone outside the family, and the time he needed to prepare an answer was obvious for several years afterwards.

Thank you @cantkeepawayforever I really appreciate your answer. I had been concerned school was causing anxiety and she keeps saying she doesn't want to go back. But overall she seems happy when I collect her so I'm not sure. And being at home is her favourite place no doubt because it's all easier!

Unfortunately i am not a patient person. I have been putting pressure on her to answer. I'm feeling quite awful now because I think I've made things worse by saying things like I need the answer now not tomorrow. When she's FaceTiming I will be mouthing possible answers in the background so she actually says more than yes/no but doesn't always work.

Your methods sound like I should give them a try. I also feel a bit sad because in circumstances like the pizza she will point to something on the menu rather than speak or if the waitress says for example, cheese pizza first, she just says yes. And often I'm not convinced that's what she wants but it's easier to go with yes.

Who would I need to see to sort this? A speech therapist? Do I just phone one ?! Getting an nhs doctors app. In my area is almost impossible, and almost certainly won't be face to face. I don't think they would help if I'm honest or in the very least it would take a very long time.

Oh when she reads aloud which she can, she misses words. Does that make a difference?!
So she might be aiming to read the dog ate a bone but she'll say the dog ate bone. And miss 'a'

I am interested that she is in an international school. Are you abroad? As a teacher, I have taught 2 selective mutes. Both have been children 'caught between cultures' - 2 parents from very very different cultures, then at school in a culture different from the 'dominant parent'. It was as if they didn't know how to 'do things right' both at home and at school.

It's a tiny sample, and I have also known many very loquacious children in such circumstances. However, I did find it interesting.

Missing words when reading aloud is not uncommon with fluent readers of her age. Can she act from a playscript or put on voices for speech in a text, ie circumstances when it's not 'just reading' but is more like talking? Does she miss words then?

You probably need a Speech and Language Therapist, and a school referral would be normal. However, post pandemic the service in many areas is a total mess (removed everyone from their lists at the start of the pandemic, then did new referrals only online - I haven't seen a physical SaLT in school since 2019) so you may be better looking into referral yourself or private provision.

DS had no professional involvement. I removed him from school to home school him for a few months, we moved and he started in a new school with an understanding head. By the time he left primary (total mutism was Y1) it was incredible that he had ever been mute, but I would say it was a noticeable feature up to Y4/5 for those who knew the signs.

Unfortunately i am not a patient person. I have been putting pressure on her to answer. I'm feeling quite awful now because I think I've made things worse by saying things like I need the answer now not tomorrow. When she's FaceTiming I will be mouthing possible answers in the background so she actually says more than yes/no but doesn't always work.

You need to sort this out right now - undoubtedly you are making it worse.

Read how to help a child with selective mutism and start there. Get professional input. Stop being an unsupportive and impatient parent!

If you react in a negative way when she does communicate, communicating is not going to be an enjoyable experience for her and she's likely to avoid it and withdraw into herself further

I used this book as a teacher, but suspect that this or this may be more useful as a parent.

I wish I'd read them for DS. I didn't have a name for what he was suffering from when he had it, so for us it was trial and error.

I would seek professional input as you say, you are impatient and she is undoubtedly picking up on your frustration and it will continue to get worse, not better. The more you push, the more she will withdraw because she is scared of you.

Please seek professional input..