How can I get my 9yo to actually talk

[goldiepineapple]

Noticing more and more during the holidays that my 9yo has developed a way of communicating that only involves the words yes and no. It's so frustrating.

When she's FaceTiming relatives for example they'll say how was your day and she will say yes. Then stop. Then they fill in the gaps. For the last few weeks I've insisted she forms a sentence when speaking to me but it's so painful because she will pause for ages before saying a sentence.

Beginning to wonder if something is wrong and why she can't develop the sentences that are more usual to a conversation. Constant yes/no all day long is driving me crazy too! Any advice welcome even if it's that I shouldn't be so concerned?!

How long has she been doing this? It doesn't sound normal at all, I'm an only child and was the only grandchild for a long time, it made me more talkative because I spent so much time talking to adults that my speech and vocabulary developed sooner. Answering yes to a question that isn't answered with a yes or no is bizarre, she definitely needs to see a speech and language therapist or a gp/public health nurse or similar at least.

It's a bit strange that you've just noticed this.

Did you not notice as she was growing up that she would talk like that?

This doesn't sound right.

I would also seek an early meeting with her teacher in school at the start of next year - possibly with this year's teacher and last year's, if they have a 'main class teacher' model, as last year's teacher will know her much better.

If they also report a level of difficulty, then you need to book a further meeting with the SENCo. The latter will almost certainly be desperately over-worked, but it's important that you address the issue in a consistent way both at home and at school.

DS spoke normally, in fact was exceptionally chatty, right through to the end of Reception - he had some traits of ASD in terms of social interaction, and was unusually able, but his speech wasn't an issue. [He is NT; just anxious, it turns out]

The speech problem developed over a few months at the start of Y1. I can believe that the OP has noticed a change; it doesn't always have to have been there.

Unfortunately i am not a patient person. I have been putting pressure on her to answer. I'm feeling quite awful now because I think I've made things worse by saying things like I need the answer now not tomorrow. When she's FaceTiming I will be mouthing possible answers in the background so she actually says more than yes/no but doesn't always work.
You need to remedy this NOW.
Pressure is the worst thing you can ever do. For now, let her communicate however she is comfortable. Don't act cross or frustrated.
Not the same at all, but think about how damaging it would be to an autistic person to be pressured to mask their behaviours to please others. Don't force her into submission.
Next, you need to get her hearing checked.
Then, you need to speak to the school and see what their take on this is. If there's a problem, they will have picked up on it. Also speak to the GP. She most likely would benefit from referrals to SALT, and a behavioural psychologist.
As the parent of a child with special needs, I can't stress enough about not pressuring her. Whether or not this a SN issue, you need to make her feel safe and secure. Show her you're happy with her however she speaks.
Secondly, for now, consider using some makaton or signalong with her. It's not a speech replacement, or purely a disability aid at all. It's a really great support to speech, and really helpful. And fun. It's used in conjunction with speech where possible.

If she goes to an international school could this be a habit she has developed for ease of communication with friends who don't speak much English? Yes and no ate easily recognised words that are often accompanied by a gesture.

When you are talking to someone with no common language, most people will revert to yes and no questions for ease.

For example 'do you want a Coke or a Fanta?' The names are probably recognisable so I'd end up saying coke? And waiting for a yes or no, if no. I'd offer Fanta and probably get a yes.

Can she write stories? how is she doing at school? can she put written ideas together in a sequence in the kind of writing nine-year-olds do?

it's unfair that you're putting pressure onto her, if it is selective mutism you're just hindering her than helping her it's like talking over people who have a stutter because it 'saves time' yes it does but it makes them feel horrible

Not sure if this is your situation but I've had two children with selective mutism and in no circumstances should any pressure be put on the child what so ever!
I would get really peed off at ignorant adults who would say inappropriate comments like has the cat got your tongue and it's odd how adults were worse than children and get narky about the fact the child wouldn't answer!!
You say your child says yes/no my kids wouldn't answer at all and were mute at school, both of them have sensory disorder and I took them to a speech therapist for a few years which worked eventually but it was a long, long process, the speech therapist would occasionally meet at the school after lessons to play card games and include myself and the teacher in the game.
I would recommend getting a referral to a speech therapist asap and in no way get annoyed or put any pressure on your child and don't let anyone else do it either.
I saw my kids withdraw into themselves even more with pressure it really put them back one of my kids later told me it made them scared and even more determined not to talk because they were afraid.

This has only really been an issue perhaps the last year or so and ramped up since her peers are developing and more complex language is being used and my dd seems to be regressing.

I don't believe the international school is what's creating this, we are in the U.K. they speak English and her best friend is from USA, most of the students congregate between their own languages so dd has ended up with predominantly native English speaking friends even when the school tried to encourage the ESAL students to integrate.

The school is quite academic though. She is doing well but I'm wondering if there are side effects to this.
I will definitely back off with the pressure though.

I don't know about stories. Not sure she's had to write many? She does read books every week. However, she's amazing at maths. She can't get enough of maths, she will wake up every morning and run through maths problems for fun.
Not sure if that makes any difference. It does seem odd for a 9yo imo!

open questions that can't be answered with yes or no.

and silly question like who farted loudest at school today? would you like spiderlegs or mousetas for dinner?

You said she doesn’t like her school and has asked not to go back. Could you find out why she has said this? Would she like to go to a different school? ( yes/ no). Maybe the presence of non English speakers is confusing and upsetting her, especially as she seems to have a disposition towards maths, which at this stage is about right answers, that is, certainty.

I don't know about stories. Not sure she's had to write many?

She's 9, so going back into Year 5? While I would not expect her to be asked to 'write an imaginative story' frequently (though some schools do do more of this), I would expect her to be doing longer pieces of writing every couple of weeks, maybe an extra chapter of a story or a letter to a story character or a diary 'in role' or a persuasive leaflet about xyz or the description of a scene.

Do you have all her exercise books from last year? Can you read her English book and find a selection of longer (1 page+) pieces of writing, and notice whether she is equally good at obviously non-fiction and fiction pieces? Or does she write much better in non-fiction?

@cantkeepawayforever I have her books. They definitely don't regularly do story writing? They don't follow the U.K. curriculum in the same way a state school will. I know they are doing story writing and letter writing in the new school year.
I could get her to try to write one. How will this help?
Thanks

It's not necessary, just an additional piece of the picture. If she can write well, using a wide and varied vocabulary and showing imagination etc, then you are narrowing down the area of her difficulty to just speech production (and there are strategies and things to try that involve her e.g writing down what she might want to say and then you or her reading it that may get around some of the situations when communication may be tricky).

If she finds e.g. making up stories unusually difficult, or uses a very restricted range of vocabulary, or can only write about 'real' things, then that might be an indication of a wider difficulty / difference, perhaps beyond 'just' selective mutism.

Is the SENCo good and experienced? I am only asking because, being a private school and an international one, the role may be different -and perhaps filled by someone with a smaller range of experience - than a 'standard' state primary.

I have no experience whatsoever, but it strikes me that the most important thing is for her to communicate what she needs/wants. That's more important than the range of words she uses. So let her point, or even write, if she can't verbalise.

SENCO at the school is not great afaik. I will ask them when I'm back. Although the school doesn't finish in year 6 I'm starting to look at secondary schools because dd doesn't want to stay at the school so I'll need to work out if this is going to be a longer term situation to deal with in case I put her in a school that's not suited to her.

I'll lay off with the pressure and see what happens when school starts. We have two weeks left of summer holidays so hopefully we can just spend this time relaxing. It's quite worrying if this will go on though.