If you live overseas, how often do you return to the UK to visit family ?

[Chocchops72]

So another summer, another two week visit to the UK done - and we are already looking at Christmas flights 🙄.

We (DH, me, two DSs) live in outside the U.K. - two hour flight away. Both our families are back in the UK. We’ve been here 16 years. We used to meet up here and have holidays together in summer, and we’d visit every second winter, but ageing parents and Covid seem to have knocked that on the head. The onus is now very much on us to visit them - and it’s getting so tiresome and expensive !

The current ‘routine’ is that we go in summer for 2-2.5 weeks and either Christmas (every second year) or February for two weeks. It’s costing us a fortune. Despite that fact that we have all our families (parents and siblings) living within a couple of hours of each other, only my parents have a big enough place to house us or a spare car to lend us - and they live rurally. So we end up scattered between different households or we shell out for accommodation, plus we have to hire a car to schlep children, luggage etc between different households or rely on lifts all the time. All to sit in various living rooms, drinking tea and making chit chat. Neither of us get any quality time with our siblings as we are always so bloody busy organising activities for children (houses are all too small for them just to hang out at home so we are constantly off to water parks, climbing parks, etc), or visiting older relatives in care homes, their homes etc.

So DH and I are really struggling to get motivated to go for Christmas - although it has been two years since we went (Covid). Looking at prices for travel, accommodation, car hire - we are already into the £1000s and idk if we can afford that.

Btw we can’t host visitors here: our place is too small. In the past we’ve met up at holiday homes, but this doesn’t work anymore. DHs parents are too old to travel, his sibling either can’t afford or doesn’t want to holiday anywhere, and my sibling wants to go elsewhere for her actual holidays. Like I say, the expectation is very much for us to go there every time now.

Mostly I’m just having a moan about something that used to work well, and now it just doesn’t. I’m starting to think that a twice-yearly visit is not sustainable either financially or mentally, but that’s the current level of expectation by all our families and our children (who love going to the UK: they are the only grandchildren / nephews on my side so they get spoilt rotten and are really close to my parents): it’s just DH and I that are getting sick of it. Should we just suck it up for the sake of everyone else ?

When I lived abroad it was every other year. Then we’d have a holiday locally on the alternate year.

I didn’t have kids at the time

It was every other year pre covid, we last went in 2018 and will go next summer for 2 weeks.

We can host people at our house though and don't have elderly parents to consider.

I used to go every 18months or so. But now I have an elderly mother I go about every 4-5 months. It is more than I would like ideally, but I want to spend time with my Mum and help her and I see that this will not last forever. To me, it is just part of the deal of living abroad and having an elderly parent.

If you have ageing parents you're going to have to make decisions about the future and plan accordingly.
Until then, don't go twice a year, or even every year. Maybe every two years. Face timing is fine.

instead of going for the long fortnight why don’t you do the odd long weekend with one child for example. Or alternatively rent a holiday cottage and people come to see you rather than you schlepping around. I realise that’s more money but you wouldn’t have to spend money on activities etc and you might have a more relaxing and less stressful time.

I am the sibling at home in this situation. It’s very hard for everyone but I do get fed up with my sibling moaning constantly about the cost, inconvenience etc ( you sound much more aware and I’m sure you don’t moan) .

I am afraid the older everyone gets included in the dc the more difficult it becomes. My parents can now no longer cope with families staying with them. They are relatively fit but it’s just too overwhelming and exhausting for them . My sibling has found this difficult to accept, although after this year I think they finally get it.

It was our first summer back this year since covid. I don't want to go back for Christmas so our next visit back will be summer. We spent a fortune this summer so really need to reconsider how long we go for and where we stay as we just can't do or spend what we have just done!
At the moment parents are in good health my mil is in a care home with dementia. If needed to go back I think one of us would just go back for a weekend or few days rather than taking all the kids too!

We moved home just prior to covid, and I know flight prices have gone bonkers since.

We used to come home for a month every summer (DH only 2 weeks), and every other Christmas.
We used to do a family holiday the Christmas we didn't come home.
My parents used to come out every other year. DHs parents came out once and said never again.
2hr flight, followed by an 8 hr flight.

Every few years but no kids involved. Because you live only a few hours away why not just one parent go back to their home for a weekend every six months? Take kids max of once a year. It'll get harder as they get older anyhow and it's not really a holiday for anyone

We did try the holiday cottage thing this year and took DHs dad and nephew with us. It was good to have the space, but it left me with all the cooking / cleaning / granddad-sitting work, while DH was run ragged finding and doing activities with three teenage boys (12-15). It’s really hard to find activities that active children and slightly doddery 80 yr-old men can do. Yes, we could have eaten out but that costs, especially in the rural UK, when we are paying for four adult meals plus drinks every time.

I think you are absolutely right though : things have changed for the worse with everyone getting older and will continue to change. COVID just hid it for a couple of years because no one was going anywhere, but so much changed in those two years. The oldies are much less mobile / capable, the children aren’t little kids any more - and DH and I are stuck in the middle trying to keep everyone happy and included and entertained. Even my mum, who’s always loved it, was clearly finding it hard work to host us all despite me helping as much as I was allowed to (that’s another thread though !).

The last message was @cyclamenqueen

How old are the children? Are they nearing the age when you can put them on a plane to stay with your parents without you there?

I also live abroad (Europe) and it seems to be the expectation that we go back to visit rather than various family members coming to us. DM used to visit quite often but can't any more so I visited her by myself for a couple of days at a time.

When the dc were smaller we'd go for week at half term or easter. Never at Christmas - too much hassle.

We go once per year (although due to covid this year was the first time in 3 years). Twice a year seems a lot, although this is a highly personal thing - I have friends who go home much more often but usually have younger and more active/helpful parents so they get help with childcare and it’s more of a break for them. Maybe commit to once per year and then use the money and time saved to have a nice family holiday with your DH and DCs that actually feels like a holiday! Trips home are never a ‘holiday’. I usually feel like I need a holiday to recover when we return to our overseas home.

Aside from COVID times, we normally go three times a year: Christmas, Easter and summer BUT it's not too far away (short travel time, flight prices not too bad), we can stay at my parents' house (so doesn't cost a thing), I am a teacher (so also have time to have other 'proper' holidays. For example, this summer, we did two weeks on our own in Italy and a fortnight at my parents), parents are so far healthy and fit (can cope and enjoy having us over). I realise I am incredibly lucky.
In your case, I wouldn't go as often and do face time etc.
Would an option be to meet up with your parents at another location, for eg. Rent a cottage in France or Spain or something so you have more space, it feels like a holiday and it's cheaper?

I think we are definitely leaning to the ‘one person goes to visit their family’ trips more often, for DH at least. It changes the trip though : atm we are pretending that it’s a family holiday (it really isn’t, and one of the reasons I resent spending so much money now is that we want to have an actual holiday of our choice as well). But if DH goes alone, its not for a holiday.

On my side no one would understand why I’d come alone. No one ‘needs’ a visit from me, and it’s the grand kids they actually want to see 🤷‍♀️.

Fortunately we can drive it. We don't take any of the closest ferry crossing as prices are ridiculous. There are 6 of us. We go summer and Christmas. Eldest is now about to start uni there but isn't yet 18. So I'm about to go for 3 weeks which will be challenging for everyone.

I've always felt that as I was the one that left it's up to us to go back for visits. I'll never live there again.

We're in the same situation. At the moment the plan is to come as a family once a year and I come on my own in between. We bring our car with us as my mum's insurance won't let her put a "foreigner" on it without paying loads. Rural too so we really need a car.

@franke

that’s never happened so far and it’s not likely to now. DHs mum is in care, his dad needs support to live on his own. My parents love the boys but have never offered to take them for a holiday or any extended period without us. DHs sister (who has a similar age boy) has a small house and couldn’t physically take them, plus she’d find it so stressful as she’s used to one. My sister has no kids and her partner is not a fan at all 🤷‍♀️ .

I think once a year (or even once every two years) just has to be accepted as everyone gets older. Could you go on your own for a shorter break to spend time with your own DPs (& your DH do the same with his DPs) so at least you are spending quality time with your aging DPs.
We are hosting family from overseas next week ... four of them including teenagers... and whilst I am looking forward to seeing them the logistics of hosting is going to be really hard work.

Lived abroad for 18 years. We chose to move so our responsibility to come back if we wanted to see family. Usually came back once a year in the summer plus sometimes at Christmas. Usually drove/ferry/tunnel. 15 hours door to door....

@Mumofnowgrownkids

driving / ferry would be good, but they are all in Scotland so it’s a two day trip each way.

Unfortunately you've probably left it a bit late to get decent fares for Christmas- many families have not seen each other for a couple of years so there might be pressure on flight prices.
Could you see what it looks like cost wise for February and before then each person goes to see their DPs outside of peak flights which should be a lot cheaper?

Where are you travelling from? We take 2 or 3 days and it makes it a bit more of a holiday.

When we did, in the Middle East, we’d be back in the summer for a month for dh, (part of that usually away on a Proper Holiday) each year, longer for me and dds. ME summer weather was horrible.

More than once each set of parents came to us for Christmas, when the weather was perfect for U.K. guests. We only ever went back once for Christmas, and that was pre dcs.

Other way round but we visit DH country about four times a year. We do have a lot of holidays though