If you live overseas, how often do you return to the UK to visit family ?

[Chocchops72]

So another summer, another two week visit to the UK done - and we are already looking at Christmas flights 🙄.

We (DH, me, two DSs) live in outside the U.K. - two hour flight away. Both our families are back in the UK. We’ve been here 16 years. We used to meet up here and have holidays together in summer, and we’d visit every second winter, but ageing parents and Covid seem to have knocked that on the head. The onus is now very much on us to visit them - and it’s getting so tiresome and expensive !

The current ‘routine’ is that we go in summer for 2-2.5 weeks and either Christmas (every second year) or February for two weeks. It’s costing us a fortune. Despite that fact that we have all our families (parents and siblings) living within a couple of hours of each other, only my parents have a big enough place to house us or a spare car to lend us - and they live rurally. So we end up scattered between different households or we shell out for accommodation, plus we have to hire a car to schlep children, luggage etc between different households or rely on lifts all the time. All to sit in various living rooms, drinking tea and making chit chat. Neither of us get any quality time with our siblings as we are always so bloody busy organising activities for children (houses are all too small for them just to hang out at home so we are constantly off to water parks, climbing parks, etc), or visiting older relatives in care homes, their homes etc.

So DH and I are really struggling to get motivated to go for Christmas - although it has been two years since we went (Covid). Looking at prices for travel, accommodation, car hire - we are already into the £1000s and idk if we can afford that.

Btw we can’t host visitors here: our place is too small. In the past we’ve met up at holiday homes, but this doesn’t work anymore. DHs parents are too old to travel, his sibling either can’t afford or doesn’t want to holiday anywhere, and my sibling wants to go elsewhere for her actual holidays. Like I say, the expectation is very much for us to go there every time now.

Mostly I’m just having a moan about something that used to work well, and now it just doesn’t. I’m starting to think that a twice-yearly visit is not sustainable either financially or mentally, but that’s the current level of expectation by all our families and our children (who love going to the UK: they are the only grandchildren / nephews on my side so they get spoilt rotten and are really close to my parents): it’s just DH and I that are getting sick of it. Should we just suck it up for the sake of everyone else ?

Pre kids we always went back for Christmas and then usually ended up with another random visit eg for a wedding, work or some other reason.

This is the first year the borders have been open since covid (they opened in April) and we've been back for 2 weeks in July for a wedding, we'll be back in October for 2 weeks for DHs work (me and kids tagging along) then we'll be back for 2 weeks at Christmas. It's hideously expensive and we're able to stay with family! We live 13 hours away...

We were also a 3-hour flight away and used to travel to the UK twice a year and they travelled to us once a year. It does get frustrating when you really want a 'proper' holiday but it's the deal you make when you move away. As parents get older, they need more help with stuff and it's not fair to leave it to the resident siblings. Tagging on a couple of days somewhere new or somewhere familiar that we loved made it work better.
It sounds like a big part of the problem is entertaining your DC though.

Sounds to me you need to reduce frequency or length of visits.
covid has definitely changed things.
this summer I did Uni visit for DS 1 and then he flew home. DH didn’t visit at all. I then did a friend of mine and DS2 and some time in a holiday cottage with ds2 and some family members.
usually I would go over with both DS and often Dh would join for some of it.
Plus either Christmas or Easter
as kids are getting older the routine is changing.
plus cost of living going up and car hire extortion prices it’s not easy right now.

I’m 3 1/2 hours flight away and try to get back every six weeks even just for a long weekend. Unfortunately due to my boss taking the entire summer off I’m not going to get back before October now. I was last back in June.

We emigrated during Covid so once travel was possible we travelled back every 4 months ( poorly dad) , dad sadly passed away so now we are thinking of going once a year, with family coming to stay with us in between.
We may also do a couple of long weekends over the Winter when flights are cheaper.

@RetrainRetrain

it’s the children, and the increasing gulf (in terms of what they can do together) between them and the older family members. it’s fine at my parents place - it’s big, in the country with a big garden and woods all around, so they get stuck into outdoorsy stuff with my parents. But DHs parents and both our siblings are in small flats / houses / no gardens in a city, and just aren’t used to families / children / lots of people around. Just organising a meal together at home seems to cause huge hassles. So just hanging out at home /garden etc is not an option. Taking our own accommodation helps hugely with that, as does hiring a car and being independent - but the cost is getting astronomical. I was quoted £1500 just to hire a car for 7 days !!!

Twice a year.

I have stopped trying to fit everyone in every trip though now, as they are too spread out, and it isn’t fair on Ds.

last trip we actually based ourselves at friends for 3 days, then London for 5. We had some work related stuff needed in the city, and just then told family to come to London for a day to visit if they wanted to ( they are all about 3 hours away, but some east, some west, some north). There’s no space at any family to stay, so it’s always expensive with hiring accommodation.

Some family ( mainly dh side), come to visit us, and friends do. We have plenty of space to host. And we actually live where people want to holiday, rather than a random run down town

Living abroad as kids we only went home once a year and it was our "holiday". As an adult living abroad again I refused to do that, visiting relatives isn't a holiday. And we never travel at Christmas.
So we'll go once every 18months or 2 years either for a long weekend (can't stay with anyone now parents & inlaws downsized) so it gets expensive.
DC are teens so squashing into one bedroom doesn't work any more and they get bored fast with sitting round elderly relatives houses for days on end. We've tried a city break in a nearby city which was OK. Next plan is a local holiday park which will give us activities as well as our own space.

Twice yearly is ALOT. if it's not working stop.

Trying to keep everyone happy does get exhausting! I find alternating taking DC and short solo trips really helps as then I can focus on my parents and do practical stuff.

Oh and yes we never do at Christmas. I live Christmas, and don’t want to spend it dragging around from house to house and travel.
Ideally we go April/ May, and then October/ November. As then we get Christmas and summer ourselves.

Car hire is so expensive atm, was quoted £350 a day recently. Hence we based London and used public transport or taxis only last trip.

used to do 3 to 4 trips home a year pre dc but post COVID and with a child it’s going to be a lot less. Maybe once a year. It’s extortionate tbh, we did often end up in hotels but tbh flights and hire car are bloody expensive plus we used to grocery shops in.

I find alternating taking DC and short solo trips really helps as then I can focus on my parents and do practical stuff.

i think this would work for DHs family but not mine.

My parents don’t need practical help, I don’t think they’d understand why I would come alone to see them (they might even be a bit touchy about it, like I was checking up on them unasked!).

But if we come en masse to see my family in the UK (which works fine as my sister and other relatives come to see us there, they have plenty space / spare car etc) DHs family are only an hour away and we can’t just not go and see them. So we end up trying to split the trip between the two families and it becomes an expensive logistical nightmare. Not being able to stay with anyone on DHs side is the problem, plus them being spread out over three small homes in an expensive city.

I agree that twice a year is a lot - particularly when one of those trips is 2+ weeks and you and your DH find it so expensive and tedious. If I were you, I'd cut it down to once a year and take a family holiday with the rest of the time.

We live in another country to MIL and visit once a year. She is 80 and although she visited us this summer, I suspect that will be the last time, so the onus will be fully on us from now on to do the travel. We will continue to go once a year as a family and if she needs more then DH will go on his own.

Thanks for all the feedback. It’s made me realise that we can’t sustain twice yearly, whole family visits and that we aren’t being unreasonable to decide that. I think we will knock the Christmas visit on its head (though DC will be disappointed), and aim for February instead. And summer… who knows?? DH might have to start making shorter visits just to see his side alone.

cheers all.

I've been abroad 20+ years and have teens now. I never got into a set routine, but aside from Covid times generally once every 12/18 months but occasionally twice in that time. We only had one set of people to visit though.
You could cut down to once a year, stay at your parents' home, and day visit your in-laws from there.

The other difference I find is that when we go to the uk we end up buying all groceries for everyone, pay restaurants and entry fee for everyone etc
When they come to visit us, they never do the same in return. So either way, we end up paying to see people. Just to us minus hotel costs and flights

When I lived and worked overseas, as often as I could, about once every quarter.

I live a 3 hour flight from the UK and havent been since 2019. Have no plans to go anytime soon. Possibly in 2 years time. Ive been abroad for 10 years now and at first I did a few long weekends per year but the visits have become less and less frequent and now I have kids I just cannit be arsed with it at all. I never travelled over christmas though. I always imagined it to be one of the most stressful and expensive times of the year to travel so I never bothered.

I live in the UK but my 3 brothers live abroad.

One comes 4-5 times a year - 2 hour flight
One comes once a year - 9 hour flight
One comes twice a year - 4 hour flight

Feel guilt gripped into more than I wAnt to although as you say it’s only the DCs they want to see not me

but every time I go I say I’m not doing it again soon.. stressful dynamic w separated parents, DM hugely set in her ways and seemingly hates hosting us (but would be furious if I considered staying w DF or DSis)

sadly feels like an obligation not fun in any way. Xmas try to avoid bc of family dynamics but after Covid that’s going to be trickier

When my kids were young we went about once a year.
My mother died suddenly 5 years ago and my father developed dementia soon after and my sisters put pressure on me to visit more often which became very stressful. I loved seeing friends though.
Now that both parents have died I plan to go as little as possible.
My life is here with my own family.
I left my country of origin for many reasons.
Returning to ‘see’ family causes me anxiety because the sisters are bullies.

@chocchops72

We used to live in Alsace, just over the border from Basel in Switzerland which was where we worked. By the time the DC had left home we started to either stay overnight in the Calais area or take the overnight ferry from Zeebrugge to Hull (or Rotterdam to Hull) and get a decent cabin to sleep in. When we were heading to Aberdeen we took the Amsterdam to Newcastle overnight ferry (definitely needed a cabin!) and then drove up from there. We had one year when we visited DS2 in Aberdeen and DSIS in Plymouth in the same holiday. That involved some driving...

@Mumofnowgrownkids

well after a long chat with DH we’ve decided to do exactly that! we are starting quite a bit further south, so have a longer drive up to Amsterdam, but not too far from Newcastle at the other end. Comparing the ferry with flight prices, it was a no brainer. Plus we can take / bring as much luggage as we want, and we will have a car to shuffle us around in Scotland. We are going to stay with my parents and do day trips to see DHs family (as someone suggested above), so avoiding the cost of accommodation.

we decided to go for it for Christmas as it’s the last time my youngest will still be ‘young’ and I know he loves Christmas at my folks and seeing all the family.

my only slight concern is the weather 😱

No set rules but I generally see my brother and other relatives once a year in my home country but they also come to me once a year. During this visit I also go to another part of the UK to see my (step) dad and step mum.

I then make another trip during the year thats only to see my (step) dad and step mum and I stay for 3 weeks which is the most I can be away from home in one go. I have a house across the road from them and I stay there.

when my children were younger we’d pack up as soon as school finished here and come to the UK for two months due to the blistering heat here. My parents would then visit us about every 18 months.

People have to do what’s best for them and if you fancy a different holiday then have one. Your family will understand.