Self sabotage / lack of self care

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I’m really driving myself mad. Almost every day I do something that I know will make me feel horrible later. Or don’t do something that will make me feel good. This may seem really trivial but it’s mounting up and affecting things quite a lot, including my marriage because I do these things then moan about my feelings!!

examples are eating food I am intolerant to then feeling ill, not drinking then feeling dizzy/getting a headache, messing around on my phone then not getting my work done as well or as quickly as I could, not preparing DC stuff the night before then being stressed and shouty trying to do it around them, not washing my hair/shaving etc then getting tripped up when I need to go somewhere and look like a tramp.

The thing is, even before I do it (or don’t, like drinking) I know it’ll make me feel rubbish, but I still do lots of it pretty much every day. I feel completely overwhelmed all the time. I suffer with depression but am on quite a high dose of ADs which seems to manage things ok. I’ve also had bouts of therapy, which, you guessed it, I haven’t kept up/done the exercises and homework/kept up the self care actions afterwards.

I know I’m not going to get sympathy here as it’s my own fault. Has anyone been like this before and if so do you have any tips to get myself in control?!

I could have written this. I'm exactly the same but no advice I'm afraid.

No advice either - I'm exactly the same!!

I could have written your post. No judgement here. I too am on high dose of antidepressants and having managed to give up alcohol, I now use weed and smoke. I've also gained a huge amount of weight. I don't have any answers but you are not alone. Taking small tiny positive steps helps. Also talking about how you feel honestly.

I could have written your post, OP. I don't understand either.

more serious examples are not taking my medication and not doing the physio exercises I need to, to stop me ending up completely out of action (again) 😔

Helpful but sad others feel like this!

I'm a bit very guilty of this. Very much do with meds and just generally ending up in a permanent state of exhaustion.
I've found it harder to manage since lockdown happened and feel very weary of meeting with people sometimes ...
it's odd but something I struggle with in waves

I know this might sound a bit silly, but it takes a lot of energy to remember to do all these different things, especially if there are several aspects to self-care, so I make myself a timetable of things to do in the morning, in the evening, and any daytime meds, drinks, anything I need. I have a reminder on my phone for some meals/drinks/meds. I then also list all the chores, even a list of my friends to call/arrange things with.

It probably sounds stupid, but I started doing this in lockdown as I felt the days were unstructured and I kept missing stuff. I now have a strong morning routine, so get up, wash/get dressed, take meds, do one exercise/meditation, put on wash, tidy up kitchen is all in there.

I don't think you have to do all of it every day, but if you haven't got it written down, and you just wait til you are tired and exhausted to remember about it, it will never happen. You have to structure stuff to allow it to happen and be kind to yourself on days where it doesn't quite work out.

I even have a reminder on my phone to have a drink of water and take meds at a certain time of day or I forget!

Having reread your message, you also say about drinking a lot every day, which is bound to then affect your abilities to be at your best the following day, I would chat to your GP about what help you can get to cut down on that, plus there are online forums/groups for women who would like to not drink alcohol (Soberistas?) I would start there for sure.

Yes and then it gets to the point where I'm so overwhelmed with it all I just give up. Then I have one good day where I'm super organised and get loads done and I'm really prepared and ruin it all by not sticking to it. I literally have no idea how to sort it

No, you had it right the first time. The OP means drinking liquid as in hydrating properly.

I’ve got better as I’ve got older. Now where near perfect though.

what helps me is to stop thinking about it and just do it. Like folding washing and taking it upstairs then putting it away at the same time. I nag myself as I pass the washing machine.

I have to timetable things - medication goes in the next place I am most likely to remember tto do something with it- eg bathroom, first thing in the morning.

doing something I enjoy like swimming and remembering I like it and remembering to prioritise it instead of letting it go.

Admittedly it has got easier as I’ve got older and the dc are older. Looking back - binning a load of stuff and having left clothes for dc would have massively helped me.

I am the same , I have realised I have adhd and finding remembering and completing tasks difficult and I've found novelty and making things interesting helps found YouTube account how to adhd really helpful for me. I know that exercise is so beneficial to me and I just cannot be consistent it's so frustrating!

Another one who is the exact same. I sit on my phone for ages then panic I haven’t got stuff done

I have Dyspraxia and it kind of skews my concept of time and I procrastinate all too easily!
What keeps me in line is timers on my fit bit and lists. I find visualising all my tasks really helps as I can tick them off, and timers help me literally do things on time. I'm not sure if this helps but it took me a loooooong time to figure this out.

www.additudemag.com/self-test-adhd-symptoms-women-girls/

Oh goodness, I am very similar. I am certainly sympathetic. My health is terrible. There are things I could do to feel better, including drinking more water and doing my exercises, like you.

I am pretty good at taking meds - I have early morning and evening meds in weekly pill boxes on my bedside table. And set an alarm for the ones I between. I take some after dinner and just make sure I do it straight away as soon as I've eaten - those ones live in a box by where I normally eat. So it's worth making this a priority and trying to find a way to make it easiest for you.

I am desperate to feel better - I'm so tired and lacking in energy and motivation. I think I would feel better if I could exercise and lose weight, but I am stuck in a vicious circle - meds make me tired/lethargic - don't feel like doing stuff except eating sugary stuff - don't get any better. I am in pain all the time. I feel like am at at the limit of what I can manage just getting through the day. I keep telling myself if I could just start with 5 mins exercises a day it would be something!

I have a good physio and a good therapist, i just don't understand how I can't get off my arse and do the things that might help!

I need a really big op but I feel I need to be fitter/seller going into it, because the recover involves a cast/boot and NWB and will take its toll on the other parts of my body that are in pain but not being operated on.

Sorry for the hijack. Don't beat yourself up about it. Seems there are a few of us. Should be start a support group?

Just wanted to add all things u mentioned I also struggle with and symptoms of adhd , it's very undiagnosed in women, I'm still not diagnosed and I'm nearly 40. Only since having child with high needs autism that I finally realised everything u mentioned above I struggle with and it isn't my fault, I'd definitely have a look at symptoms. And see if it feels relatable. Also since having children my symptoms are so much worse. Which is quite typical too

It's weirdly comforting to see that so many other PP and you OP have said they do the same. I seriously thought it was just me. I don't know the answer but I'll keep checking to see if someone else does.

I think there are a lot of us who’d empathise with you. I also think that lockdown hasn’t helped.

Following on from what FarFarFarAndAway said, when I was seeing a counsellor many years ago, he said that being depressed often takes more brain energy than being “normal”. And when you think about it, a lot of depression isn’t about being in a daze or fog, it’s because there’s just too many thoughts, especially the “ought” and “should” type of things.

You do obviously achieve things, but if they’re the everyday, run-of-mill, shopping/cooking/laundry, etc. those very often don’t feel like achievements.

I’ve never liked the idea of a “to do” list – that quickly becomes overwhelming. So I have a notebook where sometimes I write down things but only after I’ve done them. I find that does help make me feel I’ve done more than just wasting time.

On the other hand, I like the idea of setting reminders on my phone, but only for really important things. So, maybe taking your meds? Doing your physio? And perhaps getting the DCs stuff ready while they’re eating their tea?

Please don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re clearly managing to keep things going, even though it probably seems like an uphill struggle every day.

No judgement from me either. I'm the same 😪 doing stuff I know isn't good for me but finding it almost/impossible to stop.

💐

OP I do this too, basically all of it, including eating food I know I'm going to have a bad reaction to. I don't have ADHD.

I do have depression and I am completely overwhelmed a lot of the time. And of course all the small self-sabotages end up mentally giving more pressure too.

I have very recently found that taking a proper break from everything helps me reset a bit. It calms down the part of me that is wanting to punish myself (self-sabotage), including berating myself for not doing/being whatever and allow another part of me, the one where self-care is natural, rise up a bit. I do this by going floating!

I know some people says it does nothing for them, but it's kind of the point: nothing happens. You're in a cabin with heavily salted water (like the Dead Sea) at body temperature so you float on top of it without even trying. You can have a light on, but ideally you turn it off, I put a small float under my head for comfort and then lie there for an hour and there is NO stimulation. Nothing happens at all. You float and your body kind of merges with the water. I often fall asleep. There's gentle music that plays at the beginning and end so you get settled/wake up, so you don't need to worry about being in too long. The complete lack of stimulation ultimately calms down my nervous system. When I'm self-sabotaging, I'm not relaxed. It's actually a result of some kind of stress (even self imposed) and then causes more stress due to the outcome of the particular sabotage method. My nervous system is then never calm.

I had to do a few floats to get real results but now I try and do them regularly. I can't pretend that it's 100% changed everything, but it's the only thing that has made a massive difference.

My local float centre had a discount package over the summer which is how I've discovered this. The first time I went I felt very relaxed after and couldn't stop sleeping. The next time I felt relaxed but I wasn't sleeping afterwards, I just felt chilled. Now it varies but I always feel relaxed and more in connection with the part of me that wants to live rather than the part of myself that wants to prevent or punish myself for that. Sometimes I don't sleep in the cabin, I start to have ideas - good/healthy ones. It varies. So far never bad (and if it was, I'd just get out!).

Not sure if it's any use but there you go. Oh and maybe worth saying that I cannot meditate at all. It causes me problems, so I'm not naturally someone who can do that sort of thing.

www.ukfloatcentres.co.uk/

In case you're interested.

Also worth stating that the water in the cabin is cleaned between clients!

Thank u for this, I used to float whenever me and my family went swimming I found it so calming and relaxing. I've just found a center near me and going to give it a go as needing something to help with my anxiety and definitely think this will help.