I'm on the Shelf aren't I?

[ShelfyMcShelfface]

Mid 40s. Split up with long term partner a year ago. Been online dating since January.

Just getting to the messaging stage is challenging. So many men my age come across as creepy (describe themselves as physical or tactile), or aggressive (angry profiles about how terrible women are) or look a lot older than they say they are (or have had very hard lives).

The few that I do message are ok at first but get sexual after a few messages, so I block. Some just peter out because we don't have much in common.

I've met a couple that just wouldn't work. The only one I've met that is lovely and sane and nice is going away for 12 months on a secondment to the USA. He's been nice to date but we knew it wouldn't go anywhere. He's also 5 years younger than me. I feel like he would have dated anyone who agreed to a casual relationship.

I'm too old to build a family with someone. I have my own house and a decent job, so I'm self sufficient. I'm looking for a friend and adult company more than anything I think. I keep myself in shape and think I'm ok for someone in their mid 40s.

I'm feeling really down. I'm on the shelf aren't i?

Oh and I know I'm "a catch" for a cocklodger so I'm wary of those red flags too.

Sounds like online options are too low quality.
Can you think of alternatives, e.g. hobby clubs, mutual friends etc?

No, you’re not on the shelf.

you have the rest of your life in front of you to do what YOU want to do.

get on with living your life.

There's plenty more fish in the sea. Just have to know where the best spots are and which bait is best to use before casting your line!

If you ever find the secret, let me know! 🤣

I'd like a nice partner. I feel like I've failed. Key word being nice. I could get a partner but I'm not interested in most of them because it would be worse than being single.

I seem to get on better with younger men because I find quite a lot of men my age and above to be sexist. But it's whether or not they're interested in me, most men like younger women.

I’m mid 40’s & not interested in OLD in the slightest(for the reasons you say) so I’m not really qualified to answer….

however, I have a lovely friend, lots to offer, same position in life as you & imo is the best catch & she’s done OLD for 2 years & ditched it because of the standard of the men. 8 months later met a guy on a dog walk, kept meeting & eventually went on a date & he’s perfect!

good luck!

I'm in a mixed hiking group but I know them all and have never clicked with any of the men that way.

It's the lists of demands they all have.

Ie photo of an overweight man but states that he doesn't want an overweight woman.

Dhs aunty got a bf at 88.

That's heartwarming ❤️

It was only her second one too, she married her first bf.

There's lots of us out there OP. No help but you are not alone

Oh and the commitment phone serial daters. Online dating is a gift for them.

*phobe

You aren’t, but OLD is a numbers game and it can take time as even worse effort. Have you considered a trad dating agency and also doing stuff to widen your social circle.

I'm not sure how I can widen my social circle at my age. I'm in a book club but it's women only. Mixed hiking group and I've just joined a couple of mixed kayaking groups on Facebook. I don't seem to meet men that I find attractive very often.

I've just spoken to my friend. She said that she came off OLD because a lot of the men on there actually scared her. It's not being picky to not want to date a letch or angry man, it's self preservation.

I'm just feeling quite sad at the moment about it. It seems like such a waste of time putting effort into swiping, messaging and meeting for it not to go anywhere.

I’m not sure OLD is the answer. Not that I’ve ever been on it, but there’s something about OLD that gives me the creeps. How do you know he is who he says he is? How safe is it?
I’ve decided to spend the rest of my 40s by myself and learn who I am these days :)

Can you join another hiking / book group, (as well) see if there are some nice men in the new one?

Or go on a group hiking holiday?

What other interests do you have?

You're not on the shelf. I met DH OLD when I 55 and he was 54, a truly good guy. He'd previously been happily married for 25 years until his wife came out as gay. We met on Tinder, I accidently right swiped him (he had no profile and one of my rules was 'must have a profile'), we got talking, then met up after a couple of months chatting. He never sent a single message that was in any way dodgy. He was just an all round nice guy. They do exist. Good luck.

Im sorry you feel so down.

Im not currently single but, I was single for about 4 years.

I dabbled with online dating, it was rubbish then… sounds like it’s not changed! I tried speed dating twice, didn’t meet anyone but I had so much fun!! So I’d recommend that. It’s just a fun night/evening out.

Maybe if it’s companionship you want, try joining a few groups to expand your circle of friends. Then it may be that (probably when you stop looking!) a nice ‘more than friend’ will enter your life. There is a ‘meetup’ website/app which could help. Ultimately it is all a numbers and networking game… the more people you know, the more likely you’ll meet a nice partner.

I feel you sister. After lots of dross with online dating I met a nice one …..I was talking a nice man online and I must have caught him on a bad day as apparently his ex wife isn’t his ex wife and she’s actually in the spare room and refusing to talk to him
and wants a divorce. What’s he doing? He’s over it apparently and wants to move on and find a life partner? Did I mention he’s refusing to cooperate with childcare as he isn’t a childminder and is sick of her parents coming to look after the three children every day in the holidays whilst she works? As it’s not his job to nanny the children if she’s decided she doesn’t want him anymore (quote from him) - why should he help around the house, look after the girls, contribute to bills or cooking - she wants to be a ‘bloody single parent’ she can be one - no need to involve him. Meanwhile he is on bumble looking for a new partner 😂🤦‍♀️🙄I was like err the last 5 messages were all normal and nice and then he had an argument with her and her parents this morning and all this spilled over. I sharply swerve my car off to the left and disengaged - really do men think this behaviour towards their ex is actually appealing to a new girlfriend 😃

OP I have come to terms with it - watch Rogue agent on Netflix that’s enough to put you off.

Im going to embrace my life and hobbies and I’m going to forget meeting someone

shudder I feel your pain

Sometimes the best items are left on the shelf because people cannot afford them. You are a high value woman who does not lower her standards.

Yes, that's what my friend said after 6 months on it. It scared her. People can pretend to be anything. And that's not even the obviously letchy or angry ones.

That's such a lovely thing to say.