I'm on the Shelf aren't I?

[ShelfyMcShelfface]

Mid 40s. Split up with long term partner a year ago. Been online dating since January.

Just getting to the messaging stage is challenging. So many men my age come across as creepy (describe themselves as physical or tactile), or aggressive (angry profiles about how terrible women are) or look a lot older than they say they are (or have had very hard lives).

The few that I do message are ok at first but get sexual after a few messages, so I block. Some just peter out because we don't have much in common.

I've met a couple that just wouldn't work. The only one I've met that is lovely and sane and nice is going away for 12 months on a secondment to the USA. He's been nice to date but we knew it wouldn't go anywhere. He's also 5 years younger than me. I feel like he would have dated anyone who agreed to a casual relationship.

I'm too old to build a family with someone. I have my own house and a decent job, so I'm self sufficient. I'm looking for a friend and adult company more than anything I think. I keep myself in shape and think I'm ok for someone in their mid 40s.

I'm feeling really down. I'm on the shelf aren't i?

If you believe you're on the shelf then yes, you are. If you refuse to believe it, then no, you're not.

At the age of 46 I moved solo to a tiny hamlet in Portugal and waited, in vain, for some random prince to bash down the door. He was in Zurich waiting for a milkmaid to chuck her bucket in his direction.

Luckily the internet intervened before any doors or buckets got damaged, lots of traveling and compromises ensued, and we've been together for coming up to 14yrs. Still happily unmarried.

Moral of the story? Don't give up, don't have any artificial barriers (including age/borders) and if good sex is the only thing on offer, take it - great for the ego!

I’m nearly 50 and did online dating on and off for 20 years. Met my partner in September and we’ve been together for 11 months. It’s too soon to say if it’s forever’, but I’m very happy and we’re having fun. Never even knew there was a shelf 😆

Your clear boundaries and understanding of your self-worth jump off the page, OP. Please don’t compromise on who you are - live your life, enjoy your friends and if someone comes along to add to what
you have, great. You know you don’t need someone - and that’s a very good place to be.

Same age, feel the same way. I gave up on online dating several years ago. I partly blame myself for not persevering as I do know several people who met their partners through OLD and had children with them. One did so after many horrendous OLD experiences so she got her reward in the end. So I guess I'm a wuss but it does make me shudder. Men who say they are my age look 20 years older in the pictures.

I'm in my 40s and was widowed when I was 39. I assumed that I would be alone for the rest of my life, but I became very lonely and started to go a bit bonkers. I met my lovely boyfriend 7 months ago on Bumble, he is 49 and was a little concerned about the 6 year age gap, thinking I was a bit young. Not all men in our age range are after younger women. (Boyfriend was horrified at the 22 year age gap between me and late DH)

Scrap the online dating. Join more clubs op!

@HelenMirrensWeightedBlanket @MilliwaysUniverse @Eyesopenwideawake

Thanks for sharing, gives me hope 😀

Possible meeting areas are Classic Cars/motorbikes, Heritage Railways. Boats are good, anything from a luxury yacht to a Boat Jumble/Sale.
There will be The same mix of mansplainers, overweight, moaners. But easier to spot.

You will be out side in the air, not stuck in a bar or room. At least they are the personality who gets out and about and do things. They have skills they don't just talk. Most of them are happily married.

The key is though YOU have to be willing to help and do things not be a spectator.

@ShelfyMcShelfface

One of my friends does OLD and I'd go as far to say it's definitely damaged her mental health

So many awful men on there

I said to her "just come off them" but she just seems to be addicted

She's been split up from her long term partner about 5 years now, abe has 2 teenagers abs averages an unsuitable man every couple of months so about 20-30 dates at least all of which are no good and everytime it goes wrong she feels really low - me and her sister are at a loss as to why she's doing this to herself and you sound the same.

It's just a platform for cock lodgers and people wanting sex!

Ofcourse there must be some exceptions to the rules but on the whole no

I would say get off the dating apps as they're full of creeps. Try and get out and about a bit and meet people more naturally. Socialising happen, events happen, you meet someone at a gathering or whatnot.

A lot of men just seem to be vile. If God forbid anything happens to dh I am going to stay single. Or maybe try dating women!

My friend is with a bloke who is...not ideal. He's not horrible or abusive but he is hard work. She has admitted that she was getting so fed up of OLD that she changed the parameters of what she was looking for to be less picky and that's how they met. I think to a certain extent she regrets it.

Better to be on the shelf happy than lowering your own personal standards.

OP I really admire how clear sighted you are. You have so much to offer. Keep your standards high.

That’s a very outdated term, OP.
Makes me think of 1950s women who didn’t marry before 25 😂
you don’t sound desperate to settle down, just to find some good adult company.

Online dating is absolutely horrendous and too intense for me, I hated it and only did it in bursts. It made me feel a bit weird if I went on too many random dates.

I think start a new hobby or club or organisation …or several. It might lead to new friends which will lead to new connections or a new community.
Art classes and life drawing for example sometimes have socials or exhibitions (but depends where you live I guess, much easier to access in a city)
Also it would potentially be fun and fulfilling for you and people often attend alone rather than in groups, so I feel like people are open to chatting after or before the class.

I was thinking that too. From what people I know tell me, the online dating opportunities are more for hook ups!

you aren’t on the shelf- you are a mature woman with a career and a joke. You aren’t looking for some jackass - you deserve a nice guy for a grown up relationship!

How did people manage in the old days - friends of friends, joining clubs, hobbies, and night classes, etc. start by going to meet people and make friends. Try to be happy with yourself and find what you love.

good luck ❤️

I'm sorry that this has been your experience. I think the online dating platform you use can make a lot of difference. The paid ones seem to weed out a lot of men who aren't serious about it.

I met my DH on match.com. I was so impressed by his profile that I contacted him first. Fortune favors the bold and all of that. We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. He's lovely and has been a brilliant father and husband; he's the best person I know, actually.

Do not lower your standards. The good ones are out there. Good luck.

You are most definitely not on the shelf! You have the right standards and you are holding out for the right man and that is very sensible. I found myself single in my early forties and tried OLD and for the most part found it a pretty soul destroying experience - the inane online chat, the creepy men and the players. I would go on dates with those that I thought might have potential but find myself thinking I'd much rather be out with a friend or at home but I knew that ultimately I wanted to meet someone special so I kept going. My best friend would pick me up from bad dates and commiserate. At a point where I was going to pause dating as I really wasn't enjoying it I met someone (via match), he was so handsome I thought I was being catfished! We hit it off immediately, online and then in person and we've been together ever since. I think it's just a question of timing, not making it your sole focus but remaining open to it and optimistic about people. I wish I could go back in time to tell myself that it would all come good in the end (amongst lots of other things!) Keep going and good luck x