Honest critique of poem

[aspiringwriter3456]

New Gods

For eons, from the jungles to the plains
The mightiest of warriors and most fearsome of kings
Would bend and kiss my feet

I lapped your offerings of virgin blood
And devoured your most succulent cattle
So that your harvest would be bountiful

And when you offered me nothing
my rivers burst and drowned your people
the earth split open to devour your homes

I was here since the dawn of men
I saw you swim through shoals of fish in the seas
And sling spears at birds soaring across the skies

Now you have turned my seas
into barren oceans of death
And blotted out the sun
with your clouds of poison

You now bend and kiss the feet of
new gods,
a horde of bloated oil and steel
never satisfied, never sated

But mark this:
I was here since the dawn of men
And I will be with you to the end

I think this is good as a poem for children to read and interpret because its message is clear to understand and it's structure logical. I'd say, Year 7 reading enthusiasts.

Rhythm and pace create an effective sense of authority.

For adult appreciation, I think the poem could do with some visually descriptive passages, as oppose to more ideas, and the ideas themselves are unoriginal, indeed somewhat hackneyed. To get an idea of the sort of visual description, I'm thinking of, consider, perhaps, the poem 'Kamikaze'.

I also thinks there could be rather more variety with the structure, e.g. by zooming in on a focus on a small detail - a little fish in the sea, perhaps, and then moving out to deal with the elemental forms.

I think there is a flair for using the poetic form, this comes across powerfully, and a small book of more of the same poems would be great.

I really like it. It made me think of Ozymanduas and The Second Coming.

Small tweaks I would suggest:

Little g for God's in title
I like the "my" and "yours" but it's not consistent. I think you should say "my earth," "my sun," "my seas," "my skies" although maybe you think this would be over-egging it.
Satisfy and sated mean the same thing. I think one of them should be a word with a slightly different meaning.

Aaargh Ozymandias !!!

I really like this and think it has potential
Agree with the previous poster who suggested as a small tweak changing ‘the earth’ and ‘the sun’ to ‘my earth’ and ‘my sun’

Unfortunately, the poet is factually wrong. The Aztecs increased human sacrifice during times of crisis and nothing improved.

I think it's quite a striking poem.

I would challenge you to go through and remove superfluous words. For example 'fish in the seas' could just be fish, plus you repeat seas..There are lots of smaller words that could go. Every word needs to earn its place imo.

Beware of repetition unless on purpose. You have two x 'devoured'

I am not keen on 'dawn of men', it feels outdated. Unless you're trying to be anachronistic...
I am also not keen on the line about oil and steel. It is much too on the nose. I think it's always best to allow the reader to read between the lines. As it stands, I agree with a PP that this would be a great poem for kids. However I think it lacks depth and subtlety for adult readers.

I like it. Satisfyingly vengeful. It also made me think of Yeats' Second Coming but also some Old Testament prophets like Ezekiel.

Two questions?

Why new gods rather than just one new god?

Why will the old god be with us rather than destroying us with vengeance?

Ah I was hoping this was going to be Ryan giggs asking for opinions on his poetry 😂

I thought Ozymandias as well!

Beware of repetition unless on purpose. You have two x 'devoured'

I thought the same thing. If it is on purpose, you'd need more repetition throughout.

I liked itthough.

Argh, bloody fat fingers!

I meant to say the it starts off quite descriptive but seems to run out of steam towards the end, despite the menacing tone.

I'm assuming the plural 'gods' is referring to consumerism and our devotion to things.

Very good

You now bend and kiss the feet of
new gods this bit doesn't quite work for me but I can't put my finger on why.

As PP. Said there are two devoured. And yes see if there are any words that are not needed.

Can you try a fit a totem pole reference in?

I suggest you work on improving the scansion. Use British spelling if you’re British. Make it clearer who is speaking?

First thoughts/notes as per screenshot... I think the idea is great and I love some of the images that come through here. I would want to add more of the 5 senses in somehow to immerse more. And some of it telling rather than showing but that's only tweaks...

I'll rewrite below as my notes suggest with additional revisions and reversions from the screenshot (sorry lol I'm a serial editor)

But please ignore me if you hate it - my usual style of poetry is much shorter with fewer connective words and lots of line drops and unexpected line breaks... so I have a clear bias towards that style of writing which will show through...

I could continue changing and editing (I'd probably condense it into fewer stanzas but I was already making a lot of edits so I wanted to try and keep the spacing similar if I could), but it isn't my poem. So feel free to take whatever you like and leave whatever you don't like. I hope it at least gives you some ideas to reinvigorate your mind if you're stuck in a rut (like I often get).

Eons

from jungles to plains
your mightiest warriors and fearsome
kings would kneel, kiss my warm feet.

You offered virgin blood, succulent
cattle, all consumed. In return,
rain, sun, a bountiful harvest.

Yet, when I am offered
nothing
my rivers burst and drown
earth shudders, mouth agape.

All is devoured.

I remember long ago
I saw you
swim through shoals, sling spears
at sparrows, soaring.

But now, you bend, kiss the cold
feet of new gods; insatiable hordes
of bloated oil and steel.

My fertile waters turned barren
oceans of disease; sun, blotted
by your toxic clouds.

I think that's bloody brilliant @aspiringwriter3456 .

The vengeful earth - you made it palpable. I love that the title only reveals itself towards the end - mirroring exactly what you are writing about.

More please! I love to read a moving poem and I'm not often moved I tell you that.

I also love the way she promises to be with you to the end. Beautifully poignant. Great writing.

I really like it - it feels quite powerful.

Sorry @PewterHeart but your version doesn't really make much sense to me.

I agree @girlmom21 in that the @PewterHeart version doesn't have the same lyrical feel about it. Gaia - if she could speak human words - would, I am sure of it, speak in that lyrical, warlord-like, yet still enduringly compassionate way. It reminds me a little of Paradise Lost, actually. @PewterHeart is punchy but does not elicit the same response.

The last line - is there a biblical parallel?

No problem! Haha - my style is not for everyone, no one's is :) after years of weekly poetry workshops at uni doing creative writing I'm very used to critique in workshops and reworking things until they're basically unrecognisable so I apologise if I overstepped!

Completely valid and I think your assessment of Gaia being more wordy and lyrical is probably correct. Thanks for the punchy comment though! Like I said OP might hate my version (happened all the time to all of us in uni workshops) and I don't want to be misunderstood as thinking either version is "better" than the other, they're just different styles telling the story. My style maybe doesn't suit the genre is all. I hope OP finds somethings useful from my version, even if it's just "what not to do"! Haha :)

I like this, it’s much better. It’s taken it and ran with it parts of the orginal don’t work for me, and seem immature in approach. This I think is better and more mature.

I prefer @PewterHeart version.

The original feels overly simple, maybe even contrived.

sorry

@Thestagshead you're too kind, thank you. It's always amazing to me how varied opinions and tastes are in poetry! Thank you for the compliment. I hope that OP finds it useful in some sort of way, even if they don't really "like" it as much as you do!