Honest critique of poem

[aspiringwriter3456]

New Gods

For eons, from the jungles to the plains
The mightiest of warriors and most fearsome of kings
Would bend and kiss my feet

I lapped your offerings of virgin blood
And devoured your most succulent cattle
So that your harvest would be bountiful

And when you offered me nothing
my rivers burst and drowned your people
the earth split open to devour your homes

I was here since the dawn of men
I saw you swim through shoals of fish in the seas
And sling spears at birds soaring across the skies

Now you have turned my seas
into barren oceans of death
And blotted out the sun
with your clouds of poison

You now bend and kiss the feet of
new gods,
a horde of bloated oil and steel
never satisfied, never sated

But mark this:
I was here since the dawn of men
And I will be with you to the end

I agree, @PewterHeart's version is much more technically well written. The subject matter isn't my kettle of fish so I can't offer any advice.

thank you, I appreciate the edits

What's it about- the damage to the earth caused greedy humans, now and then?

It has a stronger start, but the end feels a bit weak in comparison. I prefer poetry than has more interesting language/word choices, this is all very straight forward. I didn't feel anything on the poem surprised me or made me think.

yes, it's about the earth being damaged by humans, who have exploited it instead of treating it with respect like they did in the past

tbf it was hard to end

Sometimes I have to take a nap before I can write the ending to a poem. I remember clearly writing a Petrarchan sonnet and I got stuck at the Volta, I had a nap and then all of a sudden the last 6 lines came spilling out 😂

Very brave to put one's work out for review so well done. I think it has potential but @PewterHeart nails it with her/his edits. Less is more and every word needs to work to be included. E.g your first stanza i would simplify lines 2 and 3 to " the mightiest of warriors and kings/
Would kiss my feet"

I think "bend" is implied already

Thanks for clarifying.

I don't actually like poetry that is conforming to strict structures, I prefer to hear the rhythm of the voice so I don't agree that it has to conform to certain technical rules but I'm no poet so I'm saying this as a layman.

The tone is really ambitious which is no bad thing but I don't feel there's enough there to make it sound like an old god speaking. I'm not really drawn into it. Pewter Heart removed that problem by making the voice much more clipped. Even so I think it just needs more heart to balance the pedagogy.

How do I make it sound like an old god speaking more?
How do I add more 'heart' to it

I got the idea that the old god was a handy device for you to make your points you wanted to make. More heart would be thinking more deeply about the nature of this character rather than just using formal language to show what he's like. I need to believe in him to engage with the points you're making. Is this a poem about our betrayal of the earth? If so, is the old god enraged, betrayed, coldly punishing or above these emotions? Sometimes a parent can engage impartially but have private feelings of disappointment and loss if a child goes astray.

Does the old god feel old?

Your language seems biblical but you need to be careful that the character conveys real stature if the grandiose language is to have the right impact. It's quite a tall order!

An ageing deity is an interesting concept. His voice and experiences could be more fully imagined.

Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it. Are you an English teacher btw?

The original is like the King James Bible and I thought that was deliberate. The just rewrite takes that out.

I don't think a poet can change the thrust of the poem - just like that, because poetry comes from a feeling and is homogenous, and often the word choice just suggests itself to the unconscious mind, and that is what makes it effective. I feel the poem has to stand as it is, and it's jolly good, and I'd love to read others from the same creator.

What I think is carry on developing ideas to this theme.

I think the slight contradiction with the theme of this one and it's narrator is that, if Father Earth, or whatever is so powerful that we humans offer sacrifices, and he gets his own back, when we don't, how come we seem to be winning out overall and he isn't anymore able to stop us and punish us? Maybe there should be a sense of loss of power for this old God: the rhythm of the lines should get broken up towards the end.....perhaps Father Earth ( so to speak) ought to repeat himself, but not in a poetic way, but in a mentally sick kind of way. The demise of the earth could be suggested through the pace and longer words and some discord sounds. He could be sounding weary. As another poster, says, it could be clearer whether the narrator is disappointed in humans, as a parent might be towards a child. What is the narrator's emotional feeling towards humans, and are we like children, or is he/she a cold and distant deity?

I like that you can understand this poem....unlike some of the poems they give kids for GCSE English Lit.

Is the god angry? Sad? It might need more anger? It seems a bit like the god isn't really bothered to me.

I like it, it has power it speaks the truth about the damage we have created. It's straightforward but passionate.

Not in a school, no!