Are you happy? And if so, how?

[HoulYourWhist]

I don't mean watching your kids frolicking through a field of sunflowers happy. I mean just simple happiness , contentment, that type of thing and how do I achieve this 'simple' state?

I'm married, with kids, approaching 50 and a sahm. Post natal depression robbed me of all my friendships and I've finally realised that day to day happiness is not something that is just going to come to me, I need to actively seek this pleasure out.

What simple things make you happy?

My reasons for being fundamental happy are probably meaningless to you. They are also big things and not small things. For me, without the big things I'm not sure the small things would particularly make me happy.

Try reading Derren Brown's book called Happy. I like his approach.

l think being grateful for what you have before covid l thought l was unhappy REALLY unhappy. Life is full of ups and downs and finding somewhere in the middle is the aim.

l am happy l have a good life with me,dh and dc,we live far enough away from my family to be out of the drama and close enough to in-laws if we need help. We are both settled in ok jobs and both children are happy and doing well at school.

If l stop and nit pic l would tell you l would prefer my holiday to be abroad instead of the uk, l should be further along my career and l would be slimmer, but the end of the day l have my family and that’s what matters to me.

oh and by dumping a friend who now l realise was really negative.

Small things that make me happy: Exercising every day. Taking care of my myself (staying slim, eating a clean diet, maintaining good skin). Talking to family. Having a clutter-free, clean house.

Big things that are fundamental to my daily underlying happiness: Having a job I really enjoy. Saving and investing money (financial independence is huge for my underlying happinesses), a stable relationship/family, goal setting for each year/decade or my life, being very selective as to what type of news I consume, don’t care at all about keeping up with the Jones’.

I don't think too much about it TBH, just take pleasure in the day to day stuff. My DC being interesting. Having a good chat with my DH. My work is meaningful to me and challenging in a good way. I love cycling to work, doing my yoga, cooking. Some things in my life are not happiness-inducing so I try to give them very little headspace. The Power of Now is a great book for this.

What makes me happy may not make you happy though, we might want different things.
I enjoy walking my dog, sitting in my garden, going out for nice meals with my family and the odd evening out with friends. For some people that would be boring

I'm happy by nature, that aspect is not about things, BUT i did make some great decisions that led me to a very contented place. The nature bit is tough if it doesn't come to you... naturally, but you can make decisions to improve your happiness.

When my cat comes and plonks himself on my lap, that makes me happy.
Routine is also very key to my happiness, if I'm out of routine say the school holidays it really throws me off and I get quite down.

But my happiness is very different to your happiness most likely.

Giving up thinking about happiness and instead reading a lot about gratitude.

"We're not grateful because we're happy. We're happy because we're grateful.”

- Brother David Stendl-Rast

I read this everyday ——

Sister, there are people who went to sleep all over the world last night, poor and rich and white and black, but they will never wake again. Sister, those who expected to rise did not, their beds became their cooling boards, and their blankets became their winding sheets. And those dead folks would give anything, anything at all for just five minutes of this... So you watch yourself about complaining, Sister. What you're supposed to do when you don't like a thing is change it. If you can't change it, change the way you think about it. Don't complain.”

plus also focusing on my health, fitness, no social media, no passive news consumption. Kissing my kids and DH every day.

reading ‘the power of now’ but eckart tolle

I’ve bought ‘The Happiness Trap’, now I just need to read it!

www.amazon.co.uk/Happiness-Trap-Based-revolutionary-mindfulness-based/dp/184529825X/ref=asc_df_184529825X/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310834580283&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2926632326643835718&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=t&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045255&hvtargid=pla-523557275646&psc=1&th=1&psc=1

”Are you, like milllions of Americans, caught in the happiness trap? Russ Harris explains that the way most of us go about trying to find happiness ends up making us miserable, driving the epidemics of stress, anxiety, and depression. This empowering book presents
the insights and techniques of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) a revolutionary new psychotherapy based on cutting-edge research in behavioral psychology. By clarifying your values and developing mindfulness (a technique for living fully in the present moment), ACT helps you escape the happiness trap and find true satisfaction in life.

The techniques presented in The Happiness Trap will help readers to:

• Reduce stress and worry

• Handle painful feelings and thoughts more effectively

• Break self-defeating habits

• Overcome insecurity and self-doubt

• Create a rich, full, and meaningful life (less)”

I want you to be my guru!

@HoulYourWhist I had a really traumatic experience and after lots of therapy I’ve realised that I can’t change things but I can change the way I look at them. I no longer stress about the small things, there’s no point.

I wanted to add to my post, and it's in line with what folks here have said. I think it's about perspective. I have not had a privileged life or lived without sadness, but i don't think that is a problem. It's not about having an easy life but about perspective. I remember being about 20. I was driving an old car on a lonely stretch of road before mobile phones. The car broke down. I was with my boyfriend. I noticed that he was angry and I realised I wasn't, this was just a thing that was happening and it could be problem solved, he was visiting from another country so I was in the position to do the problem solving, and it was OK. He couldn't help feeling stressed, and i could see how one might be stressed by that situation, but i just didn't see it as an issue that affected my general wellbeing.

I dunno how to say this without sounding like a massive dick but I’ll give it a go. I think a big part of it is just being laid back by nature. As soon as I joined aibu I realised just how angry others were about what I would say are complete non incidents. I’m not perfect and my family aren’t perfect so we make mistakes and we laugh about them and we forgive and love and move on. I’m no pushover or anything but I just don’t get mad about the little things and I’m willing to try anything once really. I let most people get

I let most people get…. On with what they wanna do as long as they don’t harm anyone else and don’t really give stuff a second thought. Unless it’s something abusive then I get mad!

How old are your kids OP?

Are they at an age where you would consider returning to work? I think my work gives me a sense of purpose and fulfilment.

I also think that introspection and considering whether or not you are happy might ironically and counterintuitively not be very helpful. There is a quotation by John Stuart Mill: Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.

I think there is something in that. I think to find happiness you need to look outwards rather than inwards. To nature, to others, whatever really but that has helped me.

I don't compare myself or what l have to anyone else.
Never get FOMO cos if there is something l want to do, l make it happen!

@Mangogogogo oh yes! Especially the ‘Tesco pickers’ thread! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

It’s all subjective isn’t it, the things that bring me joy wouldn’t for you. Watering my front garden before I go to bed. Walking my dogs on the field at dusk. Being woken up with a coffee from my DH. Birdsong in the woods. Gathering fruit to eat. My very stressful but absolutely made-for-me career that I came to later in life. Doing DIY. Crochet. Doing my makeup differently each day.
My absolute favourite thing is to be barefoot outside as much as I can. I’m a simple creature. I don’t need expensive things.

I have a good husband. I also have a good network of friends.

Hey out and mingle with people. Join a meet up group. Join them for women only activities/ weekends away it's a great way of meeting new friends

Love and loyalty, DH and the DC. Grown up now.

The little things: watering my lavender and catching the scent on a warm breeze.
Purring cat
Looking up at the pyrenees in the darkling and watching a red sunset out to sea
Watching the moon wax and wane and stars twinkle.
Feeling the change in the air beyond Limoges.
The walk through St James's Park and St James's Street to Piccadilly - perhaps meandering through Burlington Arcade.
Superb coffee
A perfectly made G&T
Warm peaches mingling with hay and horse (reminds me of my Grandma's)
A sung mass
Harvest festival
Grown up dd and ds
Tea in bed
Going to sleep and waking up with DH
Clean bed linen
Fresh baton, French butter and sliced warm tomatoes, sprinkled with salt and eaten in the sun.
Prawn cocktail crisps
Freshly mown lawn
Simple, perfect food
Carols from Kings
Watching teeny, tiny frogs in the pond
Perfume
A new lipstick
Bubble bath

I think perhaps I'm easily pleased and found love.

I agree with the posters who talked about gratitude. Compared to so many people we all have so much. Every chance I get I think about what in that moment I’m grateful for, some big things like the kids, but other smaller things like my warm duvet or being able to just get a glass of safe drinking water from the tap.

Gratitude. I try to be grateful for what I have and even when negative things happen, I try and be grateful for what I've learned from them rather than sinking into a poor me mentality. (Although I still have shit days).

Not buying into my minds background chatter - I am not my negative thoughts, they are just storm clouds passing through.

I read books like the Power of Now and similar and it really changed my perspective on negative thinking. Watch some Eckhart Tolle videos on YouTube- Powerful stuff.

Hmm, happy no. Content maybe.
My son makes me smile and so do my dogs, but to sit and say I'm truly happy would be a lie.

I love this list. It’s about having “enough” IMHO, for me this is: security, having a stable home life, living my family. And then day to day beauty, gratitude, contentment;

Fresh coffee
Watering plants at dusk
Cooking with Radio 2
Clean cool cotton sheets on the bed
Carols at Kings - yes!
Travel
Cat purrs and chirrups
Driving on the M6, stunning
Market towns
Bookshops and libraries with coffee shops
Walking with friends or a podcast
Open water swimming, feeling the shock!
Lego
A shared joke
Sunrise over the sea
Poetry, especially Gerald Manley Hopkins

I believe happiness is something you make for
yourself. It can’t be found, discovered or bought. Just curated and cultivated by making honest and necessary choices about how when and when you spend your time. Good luck OP.

I'm 55, my youngest dc is 16, I have turned my attentions to doing my house up after years of neglect. I have discovered DIY and that fact I enjoy it has surprised no one more than me, lol. I also go to the gym which I bloody love. I was a professional athlete before dc and regaining a little of what I've lost has been so fulfilling.

Obviously I still have my DC, one still at home and another currently home from uni, so I spend a lot of time with them, as much as they'll allow. I also have both parents living and I am making the most of having them around, I can see them ageing and it terrifies me but I know I'll look back and know I cherished them, they're fab company and sitting in their garden with a bottle of wine is sheer bliss.