Calling all former fence sitters!

[Dippydonky]

I am a fence sitter, a 38 year old “better make your mind up soon because times ticking” fence sitter.

I’ve read sooo many mumsnet posts, I’ve read so many ‘child free’ posts, and I’ve explored the Reddit fence sitters group. I’m still on the fence, some days I’m all for having babies/children/teens other days not so much. I’ve concluded that my ‘issue’ is that neither option is a bad option… no matter what I choose, I loose the option of the other and that makes me sad. I’m rubbish at picking food in restaurants, mainly because I want to sample everything… this decision is like that amplified!

I thought I’d come to mumsnet for some wisdom mainly because of the groups I’ve explored mumsnet-ers who may have been fence sitters like me have actually got off the fence (and generally I prefer the tone of mumsnet to the child free.)

So! For any former fencesitters…. What helped you get off the fence? Do you have any wise words? Or any perspectives that could help me?

All I can say is I don't think you would ever regret having children but you may well regret it if you don't. Unless you are particularly adverse to having them (which is absolutely fine) I would say there is obviously some desire there?

How do you feel when you think of yourself in your older age and childless, without grandchildren etc? Does that bother you?

Of course that is only my opinion and many will disagree.

Some people do regret having DC yes they love them but the mental/emotional/physical/financial cost to them has been huge and they don't enjoy life like they did and it's a permanent change that can't be undone.

36 and due next month with my first. Honestly can't tell you if it's a good idea to get off the fence just yet, it's not that I don't want this baby but I'm terrified of being a shit mum.

The thing that made me make the jump was the realisation that my day to day that I was so fiercely guarding felt a bit surface level and I felt like I had more to give. Coupled with a really easy first conception and then early loss, which really devastated me.

This pregnancy has been relatively straightforward medically, but my anxiety is sky high especially after the loss. I'm very unprepared, flat out refused a baby shower and really haven't felt sociable at all. Kind of like I don't believe it yet myself. I'm hoping that once they're here it'll calm down and will be able to enjoy things more.

I am glad I've finally committed to having a child, but equally I do believe you can regret becoming a mum.

Yes you will lose the other if you choose not to but you'll be so much better off financially. You will be able to go on holiday where and when you want. Go out when you want, lie in when you want, not have the angst and worry. Having children defies all logic, you have them knowing all that yet, it's even harder in reality and I'm talking from the point of view of having children without SN. I can't imagine how hard it is for parents of SN children.

Are you well off financially? Do you have family help? Do you know your partner will take a 50/50 role. Without the above, it's incredibly hard. If you love your lifestyle and your partner is happy without kids, why change it?

Me personally, I wish I had had children In my late 20s, then I would be getting my life back now instead of being taxi driver to my teens and spending a fortune! My children are my world and I love being with them but holidays for 4 and meals out are mega expensive. The truth is, before children I felt lonely and empty, and since having children, life is so busy and exhausting that I don't have time to feel that.

So, even with children you can feel conflicted and you might always regret some elements of the other lifestyle.

I’ve concluded that my ‘issue’ is that neither option is a bad option… no matter what I choose, I loose the option of the other and that makes me sad

I always wanted babies and children, and I have them and don’t regret my choices at all, in any way. So I’m not a fence sitter. But I can confirm to you that some days it makes me sad I’m not single and childfree and able to do what I like!

I think that’s just being human.

All I can say is I don't think you would ever regret having children but you may well regret it if you don't

I regret it. I wouldn't have had them had I have known. That feeling is more common than you think.

I definitely regret having children (as does DH) and wouldn’t do it again! I’d say it’s a 50/50 views with my friends who had kids.

100% of my friends who (all by choice) remained childless are very happy with their decision (all in their 50s now so that ship has definitely sailed).

I'm a fence sitter inasmuch as I wasn't bothered, thought children would be nice if I met the right person. I never met the right person...

...and I'm increasingly grateful I didn't! (Now in my 50s.)

Many of my friends have children, mostly in their teens now, and it just looks like hard work (in different ways) whatever age they are.

I rather think that unless you want children then don't have them.

I am 41 and I regret not having children. It wasn’t possible for health reasons. This has changed and my biological clock has gone off bigtime so we are TTC but fear that ship may have sailed.

I realised I wanted to TTC when I reacted badly to a friend’s pregnancy (in private), when I found myself thinking “is this really it, is this all life is,” when I heard friends talking about why they were happy being childfree and realised I felt differently, and when I realised I kept making lists in my head of people who were happy without children and trying to convince myself I felt the same when I didn’t.

DH has always been very zen about it all - he’s happy if it happens and ok if it doesn’t. But when he said he was up for TTC I felt this wave of grief that we’d left it so late, albeit out of necessity.

If we were younger I’d wait until we lived somewhere more suitable and had more savings. But we need to get on with it. As it stands I suspect we will not succeed and may need to consider other options but will see - we are just getting started and you never know.

Have you got Nieces and Nephews?
Can you have them more often, Dip your toes in?

I see my nieces and nephews and spend a fortune on them, but i can give them back when i want and go to ‘my’ bed and have a lay in

Still have fun, do all the best bits without the full responsibility

@Twawmyarse Are you a former fence sitter?

Re; Regret - whatever I decide will have a ‘ghost ship’. A few threads I’ve read have said the opposite to you; if not sure don’t do it/better to regret not having a child than having one and regretting it (there are a few threads about regretting parenting rather than the actual child, and a few with peoples who are adult children that believe their parents regret them). Either choice has potential for regret, and right now for me the ‘threat’ of regret (not from you, more in general terms) feels like a form of ‘peer pressure’… I’ve decided to acknowledge I’ll have a ghost ship and try not to make a decision based on potential regret.

Me as an old person - I’ve thought of this before and honestly both ‘best case scenario futures’ are lovely…. Worst case is more horrible with kids because they’ll need to go through the bad stuff too. Partner becoming unwell and passing… I’m not sure if it’s better or worse to have kids (nice to grieve together, but then I’ll need to see them hurt). I used to manage a girl whose mum had cancer, every 1:1 she cried and needed a hug… I felt quite maternal towards her and it was so hard not been able to ‘fix things’.

I would like to foster abit later on
and thinking if im lucky enough to be accepted,
I would like a sibling group

My thoughts on this are if you're on the fence not to do it because the regret would be a lifelong devastating impact. Sure many grin and bear it but then again it's going to be hard. That said it's a gamble because you could actually find you take to parenting like a duck to water. It's a hard choice either way and making a pros and cons list doesn't help because the cons in a practical sense outweigh the pros. But then again bringing a child into the world is a feeling some have described as the best thing that ever happened to them. For me, it's too big of a risk.

I don't think you would ever regret having children

There’s at least two threads a week on a Mumsnet from women who regret having children. I have family members who regret having their children. It’s very common.

OP, I was a fence-sitter and ultimately decided against having children. I just never felt that there was anything missing from my life and didn’t want to take the risk of altering my happy life.

I haven’t regretted that decision for a minute. In fact, recent economic, global, and climate issues have confirmed for me that my choice was the right one for me.

I’m confused. You’re 38… You’ve already made your decision I think? You might be lucky and conceive quickly, but the truth is you’re likely to have problems.

Actually 1 in 25 babies in this country is now born to someone over-40. A lot of the information about fertility is based on out of date stats. Someone aged 38 potentially can still conceive.

Please be careful with posts like these. I initially assumed I was too late to TTC and wasn’t going to even try. Luckily I found all the over-40 threads on here before it really was too late.

Oh yes, this is the other thing that made me get off the fence. When seeing my nephews made me sure I wanted one of my own and not just glad to hand them back.

^ This
Saying that I never wanted one, we had a little accident and DD is now 6. I wouldn’t change a thing.
But I’m also happier not jetting off on holidays, not going to bars, clubs, the gym etc. It’s a lifestyle change too. I’m happier walking the dog, cleaning and gardening.

We have no one to have DD now, DM is too old, MIL moved 4 hours away when DD was 2.

I do of course go out with friends, but it takes careful planning these days!

I am contracted part time now, (have worked more due to covid and wfh) but DH works full time, I don’t want to put DD in childcare. My pension may well take a hit…
My savings have taken a hit….

OP - I'm not a former fence-sitter no. But I think I could've been!

Fate intervened for me when I became pregnant at 26 accidentally. It was quite a new relationship but we decided to move in together and keep the baby. We've gone on to have 2 more! Never regretted it (not saying there aren't days I don't feel like doing a Shirley valentine though!)

All I can say is out of my friendship group (6 of us) only 2 don't have dc's (one hasn't been able to conceive and didn't want to go through iVf etc and the other has never met the right man) and I know they both would've preferred to have children. No one I know who has them has ever expressed regret over having them but as others have pointed out it's a taboo subject and would take a brave woman to admit it in RL. I'm sure it's more common than people realise as another poster said.

I'm in a similar position to you OP, almost the same age too.

I'm about 80% sure we'll stay childfree, mainly because neither of us actively wants to have a child and that hasn't changed since we got together. We'd be doing it because it's "something you do" or to (possibly) avoid being alone in old age, but those are not good enough reasons.

I think it's 50/50 whether I'd regret it or not, and that's a pretty big gamble to take.

Also we both have immediate relatives with very serious mental illnesses, which were quite traumatising to grow up with. The thought of having a child with those issues honestly terrifies me.

It's hard knowing we're not the norm though, and seeing friends with children drift away. We also don't have any nieces or nephews and are not likely to, so I am worried about us being a bit isolated in the future.

Still, I think if you don't actively want them, it's probably not a good idea.

Never wanted children. Hated babies. A medical condition determined that it would be nigh on impossible to have them.
I was very content with that.
Got pregnant.
Was horrified and a bit distraught.
Husband was over the moon as he had thought children wouldn't happen.

28 years later... the best thing that ever happened to me. The rewards are , well, incalculable. .

Lots of people regret having children. Probably far more than admit it. There's no guarantee your children will have children so grandchildren is no guarantee. Even if they have children they might go and live in on the other side of the world. It's this sort of shitty pressure that makes it so hard for people who can't have children or choose not to have them. It's a choice for most people and no one should feel pressure.

It's actually quite good to be content with either. How about just stopping contraception and seeing what happens. Let a higher power decide. If you do then great, if you don't, also great in other ways.

some people genuinely don't want children and are sure. The key to making a choice is once it is made fully commit to it and don't look back at what if's. It is easier to move forward. So many people can get stuck in going back to a point where the choice was made. I have kids, wasn't dying for them, wasn't dying to not, but no regrets, it can be hard but my life has shifted into a new reality and that I accept.

If you don't have children, you can't miss what you dont have, but you can do a lot more freer things and be more financially secure. I don't want children and unless that changes, I am very comfortable with that decision. I like my space and time and hobbies too much and am very introverted. I think if you don't have a burning desire, just a curiosity, don't do it