Calling all former fence sitters!

[Dippydonky]

I am a fence sitter, a 38 year old “better make your mind up soon because times ticking” fence sitter.

I’ve read sooo many mumsnet posts, I’ve read so many ‘child free’ posts, and I’ve explored the Reddit fence sitters group. I’m still on the fence, some days I’m all for having babies/children/teens other days not so much. I’ve concluded that my ‘issue’ is that neither option is a bad option… no matter what I choose, I loose the option of the other and that makes me sad. I’m rubbish at picking food in restaurants, mainly because I want to sample everything… this decision is like that amplified!

I thought I’d come to mumsnet for some wisdom mainly because of the groups I’ve explored mumsnet-ers who may have been fence sitters like me have actually got off the fence (and generally I prefer the tone of mumsnet to the child free.)

So! For any former fencesitters…. What helped you get off the fence? Do you have any wise words? Or any perspectives that could help me?

My opinion - if you're going to have kids, you should really, really want to have kids.

And when you think about it, don't just think about cute little chubby toddlers.
That part goes in the blink of an eye.

I fence sat for years, read the baby decision from cover to cover and concluded that I did want to try for a child. We were lucky to conceive quickly and now have a lovely (if exhausting) 2 year old. But I knew that I only wanted one child, and we have agreed to be one and done. We just about manage to have time and energy for ourselves and hold on to aspects of our previous life while getting to experience parenthood. But I strongly suspect more than one would tip the balance into regret for us. Trust what you know about yourself and what makes you most happy in life and use that as the basis for your decision.

I am 45. I have a 2 year old and a 3.5 year old. I absolutely love being a mother. It is hard work, especially the sheer amount of physical labour in the early years, but it is so rewarding.
I would say go for it!

Some people do say they regret having children. But if they could press a button and not have them, I’m not convinced they actually would.

I've seen people here say it. That if they could push a button that would undo their choice, so their DC was never conceived, they would.

Imagine how that must feel, especially with the taboo around the subject (and in a way I understand the taboo, as no child should ever find out that their parents regret them).

It's good that women can talk about their honest feelings on a site like this.

And we wonder why the topic is so taboo.

If a woman tells you she regrets having children, believe her. Don’t give her a hypothetical situation to invalidate how she feels.

There are degrees of regret though! You can regret something but not totally want to undo it.

Flip the argument on its head. How much have you got to lose by having a child: financially, freedom, travel, privacy, time etc...?

Then question how gutted would you be if that turned out to be the case, and you also didn't feel like the benefits outweighed the loss.

Thank you everyone.

Definitely some food for thought. It feels like such a massive decision, I’m always amazed when people seem to just know.

On paper we’re in a good place… partner is fab (he does as much of the cleaning/cooking/rubbish adult stuff as I do.. his Mum did a good job!), we both earn above average/mortgage is nearly paid off, both sets of parents are close by, even our dog is good with kids (rescue and previous home had young children).

The parts of life I wouldn’t want to loose I don’t need to - work would be fine (loads of people in my team have kids), holidays would be different but I’m fine with that, I could still do yoga /gym, I’ll still cook (probably more batch meals though). I’d need to plan more but that’s fine. But I do have worries- I’ve seen enough to know parenting is HARD. And as shallow as I feel saying this I worry about the impact on my body - Im happy with my body, it’s not perfect or anything but I can look at myself and feel content, and it’s 38 years old it has less chance of ‘springing back’. But as time passes I’ll loose that anyway!

I do spend time with kids now…. Some are amazing interesting little humans, others irritate me quite a lot! I guess children are just people though. I don’t have a lot of young babies/toddlers in my life.. so that’s difficult to imagine.

One thing I am sure about is that it’s a ‘one and done’ vs none. Something my mum would not like (she’s an only child) but I’m 38..and from all the masses of mumsnet etc. posts I’ve read, the happiest seem to be either childfree by choice people or those with one child. In real life, peoples I know with one child seem less stressed too.

My reality of parenting is that I feel guilty that I let DC down.
This is my No.1 best reason not to have children.
I could have lived without that disappointment in myself.
I never wanted just one DC because I might put too many expectations on them. The onlies I know feel the burden hugely to look after their aging parents, especially once widow(er)ed.
So I'm all for being child-free, it's a fine way to be.

You are better just having one than more as it is a lot easier to carry on doing stuff and no need to hang on to a load of stuff for a second, I would have hated to have had any more, one was just right

I was a 36 year old fence sitter. I had no real interest in children, never the remotest maternal instinct, no urge to have a baby. DH and I had been together 17 years and he felt the same.
We decided we didn't want to regret choosing no and went for it.

That was 27 years ago. My two DC born at 37 and 39 are adults now.
It was without a doubt the single best thing that ever happened to me. It's almost as though I had a whole new life from 37 onwards when DC were born. My only regret is not starting a few years earlier and I would have had 3.
Definitely not one child though. That would have been harder for me apart from a few months when I had a 2 year old and a baby.
The four of us are going on holiday next week.

I would, in a heartbeat. I never wanted children but then met my husband and we decided we would try. I love my daughter with all my heart now she is here, she is a kind, wonderful, amazing person. But because of our situation, I became a SAHM and basically lost myself. My husband is a good man, a good father, doesn't begrudge me or even query a single penny I spend. I have a part time job one day a week to fit in around child care but it is minimum wage and contributes nothing to the household budget. We are not rich but we are doing fine.

But yet... I am so-and-so's wife, so-and-so's mother not CatsAreCrackers like I was before. Most of the time I realise how very, VERY lucky I am, I have a life many people would look at and envy. But if I could go back and never have met my daughter and had the life I had planned instead, I would, without hesitation.

I don't say that to upset anyone, but it is the truth.