Shopaholic friend: should I say something?

[Tabbouleh]

Bit of a long one; I don't want to drip feed. I have a uni friend whom I have known since I was 18. Let's call her M. We are both in our fifties. We also have a mutual close friend, let's call her P, who is older.

For as long as I have known her, M has been a shopaholic. She is exactly like Becky in the Shopaholic novels. She spends a lot on high fashion, shoes, make up and so on, to the point that her wardrobes are full of unworn stuff. The other thing that she spends on is travel. Her plans are always changing, so she keeps cancelling and rebooking flights. She only flies business class and eats in fine restaurants. She has a nomadic lifestyle between several countries.

She funds all this because she has a good job, and no DC or plans to have any. She does not own a home, and rents, which suits her fine. Almost zero savings. So far, so none of my business, because she never asks me for a loan or anything.

M has recently got married to B at the age of nearly 50. B is a consultant and his income is irrregular. B is also blue collar and very frugal , so I do not think they are compatible financially. M continues to spend as she always has done.

Our mutual friend P is very worried and thinks I should speak to her because M and I live in the same city ( when she is not travelling), and P is far away. She thinks M is out of control and B is not happy about it.

Whenever I have diplomatically suggested to M that she rein her spending, she has reacted defensively, exactly like Becky does in the novels. For instance, if I suggest she doesn't need a new suit because she is now full time WFH, she will bring up a conference she might be invited to and therefore she might need a suit etc etc.... If I suggest meeting in a cheaper cafe, she will argue that she might get food poisoning. etc etc. It gets so tedious that I have stopped saying anything. Sometimes she drags me along on her shopping trips and I get a physical pain in my stomach watching her blow 200 quid on makeup that she does not need, but any hints are ignored. I have quite a lot on my own plate to worry about.

Should I just mind my own business? I would intervene if she were an alcoholic or suffering domestic abuse, but I just feel like she is a grown woman and can sort herself out. P disagrees.

P’s heart might be in the right place but they have no right to attempt to micro-manage M’s spending. And even less right to direct you to do it.

If P is so worried-let P speak to her!

Have you not said 'what the fuck are you buying this crap that you will never use for'?

God I missed that P has mentioned it to her, but M has ignored it.

No, I haven't said "Why the fuck are you spending all your money on this crap", but I have said "I really don't think you need to buy that many lipsticks."

There is really no point trying to influence her behaviour unless she asks for advice or admits she has a problem

I also have wardrobes full of clothes, some of which I never wear, and still enjoy buying more. I wouldn't appreciate any friend telling me I have a problem. It's my money and I don't have any debt

Surely her partner knew what she was like before they got married and if he had a problem he can speak to her about it

unless she’s getting herself into debt it’s literally none of your business so keep your beak out

That's what I thought. But P thinks that if she has an addiction, we should have an "intervention". I think I will just mind my own business.

Let P crack on

She sounds like she had a pretty happy life. I don't understand why she got married and now has a dh (who might be) not happy with her lifestyle, wanting her to change. May be M should've spoken to her at that stage saying being in a partnership will require compromises!

I think your friend may benefit from therapy but I don't think she'll listen to you, your friend or her husband tbh.

She can spend her money on what she likes - why are you policing her?

I am not at the moment but it is impossible not to notice, really.

Sounds like you are both jealous of her lifestyle tbh

I was waiting for the MN jealous accusation and here it comes! Not really. You can't move in her house because of stuff she has bought. It is not quite hoarding but close.

If you aren’t jealous what is your problem then?

Well, am a bit concerned she may be in debt. A few years ago she told me " My parents did not teach me anything about finances so I have never learnt to manage them" but then clammed up.

I mean, if that’s the case, then her husband would have been aware of her “addiction” before he married her as he would have noticed the sheer amount of stuff. And he still made the choice to marry her. You can’t be sure this is an issue for them, and if it is, it’s not your place to intervene unless she confides in you

you never know, maybe she eg can’t have kids due to health issues, so perhaps this brings her happiness instead. There’s no need to judge her for it based on that your other friend assumes

I don't think there's much you can do really besides what you've already done with the gentle suggestions. What's P's plan anyway? Sit her down and confiscate her credit cards?! Maybe buy her the shopaholic novels as a Christmas present?

I'd say I don't really know how to manage finances but that's quite different to knowing how to live within your means.

She has never wanted to have kids right from the time she was 18, and I think that is absolutely a good decision for her.
But yes not much I can, or want to do.

God why do people always think a poster is jealous? Such a ridiculous statement when someone is probably just a concerned friend

I'd stay out of it tbh. She might want to confide in you when B starts getting fed up, she won't want any 'told you so' from anyone.

It’s an addiction. It’s also not your business.

Should I just mind my own business?

Yes, of course - how another adult spends their own money is nothing to do with you.

I would intervene if she were an alcoholic or suffering domestic abuse, but I just feel like she is a grown woman and can sort herself out.

Well, quite. You've answered your own question here, OP - if P wants to get involved, then P can do whatever she likes, but P is BU to treat you like her puppet and pass on her weird judgey messages, not least as you disagree with her about getting involved.

What on Earth would you say if you staged an intervention? We've noticed you spend money on things we don't value, so please stop? This is crackers.

Unless she’s borrowing money from you to fund her spending habits, it’s none of your business. You might disagree with how she spends her money - but then she might disagree with how you spend yours!

I just don't see how her spending habits are your business.

If she were in huge debt or borrowing money then I'd see why you were worried but she's not, from what you've said. She's a fully grown adult working for her money and deciding what SHE wants to spend it on.

I wouldn't be dragged along on her shopping trips if I didn't want to go or be forced to eat where I don't want to but apart from that I don't see how this is affecting you, or the incredibly judgemental sounding 'P'.

Deal with your own lives and leave her, and her marriage, alone!

P sounds exhausting and like she needs to whip up some drama for her own entertainment.

Let her do her own dirty work.