Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Anyone else in a sexless marriage?

45 replies

Lightupmyh · 12/08/2022 08:15

Brief background.. been together 10 years married 8 years. He never instigated sex ever it was always me, even in the early days.

We struggled to conceive and when LO was born I had a hard time sleeping so baby co slept and still does. DH is in spare room.

LO is now 4yrs old. DH & I haven't had sex for 2 years. He doesn't want to either. We've had numerous conversations about it and he says it has never crossed his mind! Said he's never even masterbated or had an erection in all of those 2 years.

Now breastfeeding did change my hormones and I didn't want sex for a long time but now that's stopped I'm really ready and very much missing sex. Feels like my hormones have returned but DH can't understand why 'all of a sudden' I'm wanting sex yet I never mentioned it for so long before.

I don't understand it. I'm only 40 and DH is 37 so seems way to young to be in a sexless marrriage. 🥺😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightupmyh · 12/08/2022 08:54

Just me then 😭

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightupmyh · 12/08/2022 19:15

Anyone?! 🫣

OP posts:
CreateLow · 12/08/2022 19:22

It's really tough when your libido don't match - neither of you are at fault!

Mine is higher than my DH's and I definitely felt rejected in the past. Mainly because we're conditioned to think men want sex 24/7 and are practically sex pests. Of course that's not true and there are so many factors at play.

I'm afraid I don't have any answers, we have sex far less than I'd like but I adore him and it's a wonderful marriage - and I was able to move past feeling rejected/unwanted, which for me was worse than missing sex!

Veryverycalmnow · 12/08/2022 19:24

Yes. Not bothered about it anymore- I don't feel like I'm missing it and nor does DH. I used to enjoy it but really went off it after childbirth.

Singingtherapy · 12/08/2022 19:53

I am, it's my doing. I realised around 5 years ago that I'm asexual and it sounds like your DH is as well. I've had regular sex all my adult life but it was only ever to please a man. I've truly never in my entire life felt physical attraction to another human being. Now at 54 and post menopause I just can't fake it anymore. We haven't had sex for 3 years. DH struggles with it but he accepts it. We're incredibly close in all other ways.

Davros · 12/08/2022 20:00

I wish. He wants a lot more than me and then can't do it and takes forever 🥱

Theskyoutsideisblue · 12/08/2022 20:07

Set him and yourself free

Lulu1919 · 12/08/2022 20:10

Me
Been about 8 years now
I'm 55
Love each other 35 years married
Due to medication

Lulu1919 · 12/08/2022 20:10

His medication !

BearBibble · 12/08/2022 20:18

Your relationship sounds like mine. I'm 37, he's 36, we've been married 12 years. I've generally been the instigator, except when we we're dating. As soon as we were married he basically lost interest. He was raised in a very conservative family where sex before marriage was forbidden (although we did it anyway)
Now I realise it was never me he wanted; it was just the thrill of doing something forbidden. We have an almost 3 yo and have probably had sex 7 or 8 times since he was born. By some miracle, one of those resulted in a conception and I'm pregnant with DC2 now. We wanted 2 kids and I suspect now that that's been achieved we probably won't have sex again. At the moment that feels okish because I'm pregnant and breastfeeding, and not really in the mood most of the time. But under hormonally normal circumstances I find the rejection devastating. Other men find me reasonably attractive (less so the older I get, but still), and it just makes me so sad that this is my life now. DH doesn't seem fussed at all 🤷🏼‍♀️

zurala · 12/08/2022 20:23

Me. Youngest child is 8 and we haven't had sex since was conceived. Husband is not affectionate or complimentary, we are like flatmates and I'm really unhappy. I've talked to him many times and we had counselling a year ago but he didn't carry on with it or do the things the counsellor suggested.
To be honest I wish I'd left years ago when he kept ignoring it when I raised it. Now I feel trapped financially.
Everyone thinks he is lovely and he isn't a bad man, but he is lazy and emotionally stunted which is becoming more and more obvious as he gets older.
It's really really shit.

CraftyClara · 12/08/2022 20:26

DH told me not to “pester” him for sex and he’d initiate it when he wanted it. We haven’t had sex since September 2019.

Original poster
Lightupmyh · 12/08/2022 21:21

@BearBibble @zurala Wow so many similarities!!

DH is emotionally stunted too which I really struggle with and again like you I feel financially stuck. He says he loves me everyday but doesn't show it. No affection or compliments.
I get looks and compliments off other men so know im reasonably attractive. Makes me sad really.

OP posts:
pancakes222 · 13/08/2022 07:53

Same here. Definitely not alone!

justasking111 · 13/08/2022 07:57

Well my old GP said once that this happened sometimes and women had an affair just to keep things going because of kids. I do wonder if the men knew or cared.

KangarooKenny · 13/08/2022 07:58

Me.
DH had trouble due to antidepressants, didn’t do anything about it, so I got fed up of having crap sex and stopped. Went into peri, got the ick, and here I am.
I do wonder if I’d get the spark for the right person.

Bangarang · 13/08/2022 08:44

@zurala "Me. Youngest child is 8 and we haven't had sex since was conceived. Husband is not affectionate or complimentary, we are like flatmates and I'm really unhappy. I've talked to him many times and we had counselling a year ago but he didn't carry on with it or do the things the counsellor suggested.
To be honest I wish I'd left years ago when he kept ignoring it when I raised it. Now I feel trapped financially.
Everyone thinks he is lovely and he isn't a bad man, but he is lazy and emotionally stunted which is becoming more and more obvious as he gets older.
It's really really shit."

My kids aren't my partner's kids, he has none, and we haven't accessed counselling yet, but you've described my partner.

He's essentially a nice guy but is waiting for an adhd assessment because since moving in, he's lost the last threads of executive function he had - of which the extent of it was carefully hidden from me prior to moving in... Personal hygiene down the plug hole, binge eating and zoning out and not engaging with me ever is the norm, he never instigated anything anyway but we haven't had sex or intimate contact in three years the end of this august. But there's a million reasons to stay. I've mostly made my peace with the lack of sex. But I need intimacy, emotional availability, for him to be a grown up, for him to engage with me, he's such a manchild. And it genuinely would be the ending of me to have to separate. So I wait.

pancakes222 · 13/08/2022 09:50

My DH tries to comfort me by saying he loves me so much that he would rather stay in a sexless marriage and be with me than not be together but I would still rather the physical contact!

Original poster
Lightupmyh · 13/08/2022 12:23

@pancakes222 Same here. DH says he loves me but what I can't feel it. No hugs. Kisses, no affection or compliments at all. He gets annoyed if I ask if I look ok!

OP posts:
justasking111 · 13/08/2022 13:25

I love you three words that some know need to be said but really don't understand it. They're paying lip service to satisfy what is perceived to be a normal response

Notgoingbacktofuture · 13/08/2022 13:53

We've been together for at years and married for 10. Sex initiated by him didn't pass the first 6 months. After that, I complained and cried and made it dead clear it's not OK. But he just went silent each time and never did anything to improve. Until before DS1 was born, he was pushed by me to finally talk to the GP and got drugs to help with erection. But he just didn't and still doesn't have the desire. Over time, I got tired of the hope and disappointment. I've seen clear that I wouldn't leave him for this, as we are very much compatible at intellectual level (the mind) and often think about the same thing in the same way. We see the world and life pretty much with the same goals, except emotional side (the heart). I'm very sentimental and he's very prudent and serious. I don't see DH as love partner but life partner (or roommate as someone mentioned earlier on). But we are so similar in every other aspects and we agree on 98% parental styles. After DS1, we barely had any sex. But I wanted a second child, so pushed really hard (with no dignity, only operational). DS2 was born 3 years ago. I know we will never have sex again. And I'm 44.

My fear is it's very likely one day I'd have an affair falling in love with someone else. Would that end the marriage or not? I don't know. I don't love DH as a romantic partner, but I do respect him and sympathise his weakness (childhood hardness).

I'm on if just go on like this. But I think my heart would win one day.

Notgoingbacktofuture · 13/08/2022 13:54

Been together for 15 years.

loopylindi · 13/08/2022 14:23

25yrs celibate due to health issues(undiagnosed back then). H had problems with sustaining erection, pills didn't help, RELATE didn't help (as we were 'cut off' just before the Sensate focus protocol) so we have muddled on We're also housemates who share a bed and coming up tp our golden wedding. Are we happy??? Don't think so. Do we want to separate? Don't think so I didn't think it would be like this.

KimMG · 13/08/2022 15:14

Same here - wife decided 2 years ago that she didn't want a sexual relationship any more. Very very frustrating - in most other ways we're the 'ideal couple'

MyBottomDecides · 13/08/2022 15:30

Me. Coming up for 6 years this autumn.

Been married for 15 years, in our 50s.

Probably a symptom of a general detachment between us. I spent years asking for more emotional engagement, more shared projects, more financial input from him. Realised he's unable to respond and probably doesn't understand what I even mean.

Sex was just one more thing I was doing for him, and the lack of tuning in to me meant it was just a physical act which left me even lonelier, so I stopped.

I actually said that I was stopping until we could try to improve things with couple counselling, and that I wanted him to arrange the counselling as a proactive sign of good faith. He didn't. I know its because he's avoidant rather than doesn't want us to have a close relationship.

I was upset and angry for a few years but for about the last 3-4 have made peace with it, it's still good to have a companion and co-parent. I wish it was different but all the alternatives are worse.

Wouldn't say no to a steamy fling with a hot lover though...