Tips on coping with loneliness

[StandingUpToday]

Not a pity party from me. But I just need tips and ideas on how to cope with loneliness.
For background, I am married with three children. Whilst I get on with my DH we don't have a talking type relationship, I've tried, he's simply not interested. I have lots of Facebook friends but these are mainly school run Mums from years ago, neighbours, primary friends. No one that I could go out with, share a coffee with etc.
I've tried joining groups, I work in a big school (not a teacher but lots of interaction with different staff), I volunteer, have hobbies etc. Invited people over for coffee and cake, included their families etc. It's just not ever reciprocated. Literally never. I'm not after sympathy, because although it does upset me, confuse me and is a source of worry, the fact is that I've been trying quite hard for more than a decade to get myself out there, develop relationships etc and, I have to face up to it not happening, presumably because of something I'm doing or not doing (would genuinely love to know!).
So, I need ideas on how to cope with it. I can't believe it's just me. So please hit me with how you cope or how you think I should cope. I want to be able to leave behind that feeling of jealousy at seeing others in groups out on girls nights, hearing my neighbours with their group of friends meet up for bbqs, and focus on being happy with my own company.
(Because top of my list of coping at the moment is writing my own eulogy because I know there won't be anyone else to do it! Bit morbid but that's why I'm asking the Mumsnet hive mind).

I think family is often a source of friendship or companionship. Have you not got sisters or SILs? What about the parents of your children's friends? I know it's hard, and probably gets harder as we get older. I'm lucky I've got a set of my old school friends from infant and grammar school. They've been my lifeline. Try reconnecting with old friends on Facebook maybe?

You sound lovely, how old are your children now?

Thanks, I've reconnected with everyone I can think of on Facebook and unfortunately my SIL is not an option.
Sorry to sound a bit defensive, but I do feel I've exhausted the friendship avenues now both in terms of trying with lots of people and also the need to now step back from trying because it's more upsetting than ever with the continual failure. I need a work around for coming to terms with it and coping in as positive a way as possible.

My children are teenagers. I worry I'm not setting them a good example. They haven't had that experience of Mum having friends over, dinner parties and BBQs and so on so they'll not learn how to do it themselves.

Have you tried the apps to make friends? Bumble and Peanut.

You sound like a lovely person, maybe you just have met the right friendship group for you yet.

Keep busy. I have no family, distant friends, and am often lonely. I fill the time with activities (walking, shopping, sightseeing) and try and plan a week ahead.

I’m very similar OP. No words of wisdom but just wanted to post in solidarity. I have no idea what’s wrong with me! I, like you, have put myself out there and tried to initiate and invite etc, try to be kind and helpful to everyone, yet I’m always on the sidelines. I even get told about nights out or trips that I could have easily been included in! It’s very hurtful. Hope someone can come along with helpful tips.

Is there any possibility of you moving to a different place, OP? I mean, before giving up on friendships altogether? I spent eight years doing everything right in terms of making friends in a midlands village — child st toddler groups, preschool and school, volunteering, getting involved with local stuff, accepting all invitations etc — and zilch, although I’d never previously struggled with friendships. I conclude now, looking back, that I just didn’t fit locally — too foreign, too educated, no previous local ties, an older working mother where that was rare. I moved countries three years ago and despite the lockdowns, found a few good friendships immediately, people I’m delighted to have in my life.

Which is a long way round of saying ‘It may just be a mismatch of person and place’ — would you co spider a change?

Some ideas are:

Make the most of the fact there are a few of you in your immediate family- 5 is a great number for a BBQ, so carry on having fun days out and BBQs and holidays in your immediate family, as family can be very companionable.

Think about therapy. It sounds like you could do with someone to listen to you, vent to, and to reflect on things with and I find a therapist the best for this, it also means that they listen in a different way than a friend. You could talk about this issue in therapy, but more than anything, gain a listening ear for you, you really do deserve this.

Meet Up is a great way to meet people who are similar in wanting to find friends or enjoy the hobby or whatever brings you together. The problem with lots of things like an exercise class is that many people will go, but not really be on the look out for new friends, same with the school gates. It's pretty obvious if people go to Meet Ups they want to meet other people!

Think about using a friendship app, such as Bumble which is not just for dating.

Go to hobbies which you enjoy, but don't bother to ask anyone for coffee, just focus on enjoying the hobby and the socializing that comes from joining in, choirs are great for this as people chat, meet up for the event, so there's fun in being part of a group without it necessarily leading to a full on friendship.

Just a few ideas, perhaps that wasn't what you were looking for, as it's still focusing on friends but I saw a really good post recently about expanding out what you think of as 'friendship', and that you might have quite a few acquaintances, a few people in a hobby circle, and perhaps one or two people who you can chat with at a deeper level, it helped me think about socializing in a wider way- I would also add in being a friendly neighbour (only saying hi, odd bit of chat, not going round with home-made cookies) and being chatty in parks, shops, dog walking if people seem willing to chat or just smile, all this helps you feel more connected.

• focus on the people you do have: siblings, children, partner, family, parents

start a business or hobby you love and can commit a lot of time to e.g. online business, creative hobby etc. focus on this! it may also bring socialisation opportunities

book something to look forwards to e.g. weekend away, day trip (even if on your own!).

do more stuff online

get into health, fitness - go to the gym

focus on spending time doing the things you love

do up your home, redecorate a room, declutter

get in touch with old friends - a night out 2 - 3 times a year is more than enough for me

rediscover yourself! where have you lost yourself when you were a parent to younger children?

What do you enjoy doing? What are your hobbies or interests? I've decided after moving abroad two years ago and feeling like I'm always trying to make friends and that being my focus I should be focusing on things I want to do. So joining a choir because I want to do some singing, joining the gym because I want to get fit. Think about things you want and things you enjoy doing rather than how to make friends .

I'm sorry things are not turning out the way you'd like. I have been in a similar situation, living on my own, old friends moved on/coupled up/remarried/died/not interested. I've one friend who messages on face book now and then, one I see very rarely and one close friend [who I met online years ago and now lives nearby]. But she has a busy social life and see her every couple of weeks or so for a catch up. My sons are adults with children of their own.

I tried all the groups too, which were often/usually cliques and made me feel left out and worse than I felt before i started. Then I had to give up eventually for the sake of my self esteem. So I know how hurtful it is. I've got a great sense of humour, like talking to all ages, many interests and pretty easy to get on with so it's been puzzling. Their loss.

Still I learnt to just get on with it, do all the things I like, I've lots of interests/hobbies. I walk a lot and often have a chat with people I meet along the way. I don't know if you have a dog but many dog walkers are friendly and happy to have a chat...it could lead to a regular meet up for the dogs to play together etc. I found a walking club was a friendlier place too, always someone to talk to as you walk along.

Apart from that I've just got used to my own company, it took a while I admit but just kept busy. I now have an aversion to walking into groups of people [who knew each other from years back]...after so many knock backs I now longer care. Not much help but I hope you can find a solution. All the best.

I think it’s a sign of the times unfortunately- there are Mums at my DD’s School that seem to be ‘looking’ for friends but lives are so busy these days, I don’t even have time to see the few friends I have. People are working longer hours/looking after elderly parents/more life admin etc so I wouldn’t say it’s anything you’re doing/not doing. I just think life has changed.

I dont feel lonely though, if I get any (which I don’t) free time, I’d be happy to watch tv or go shopping!

maybe concentrate on you & the things you like doing? Sorry, not the most helpful.

I do have some nice friends but most live at a distance and I retired early,
my sisters live hundreds of miles away and I moved round and had relocations twice in my twenties. My local friends all work still. I have joined meet up, two walking groups as that’s my interest. Went along at the weekend, all nice but two women especially could be good fits for a possible friendship.

The people I have chosen not to progress friendships with are over sharers or people that want to please too much. Neither types are bad people in fact I’m sure they are probably nicer than me but it makes me uncomfortable.

I sometimes worry about this too although mine isn't a teenager yet

On the surface of it, I've got many friends, get invited on lots of big "hen do" type things etc. However I find it a drag having to make small talk and pretend I'm having a blast when all I want to do is be at home in PJs, reading a book.
Friends aren't all that really.
What did you used to do for pastimes before having kids? I think in your situation I'd try to revisit those past hobbies and if you make friends doing them then that's an added bonus.

Another solidarity post. Bravo for being so open and honest OP. I think (?) a lot of us fall into this category but it's hard to acknowledge loneliness and it makes us feel like we're doing something wrong. So therefore it remains a bit of a taboo subject. However I think it's far more common than is spoken about as having no friends does feel like some sort of failure. Like you I've tried and I guess I'm starting to accept that's just the way things will be now.

I see and hear of acquaintances linked in with big groups of girls who have had years of hen dos and then all the weddings which have in time become "mum nights out" or weekends away with the girls whilst the Dads take care of the kids. It's a life I've never ever had and I've come to the conclusion it's probably more common than I thought it was 5 years ago when I was making comparisons and feeling rubbish about myself as a result.

I've had two years of my eldest being at school and despite numerous attempts any effort to socialise with a few of the parents falls flat. I don't think the families are very social full stop, I don't think there's any solid friendships anywhere so there's no exclusive club I'm missing out on, but it's another area in my life where I thought it might happen but hasn't. Certainly no class camps ever happening there as I once thought might!

I think this was my last straw in just accepting my life for what it is and being grateful for what I do have, albeit I do miss the idea of a coffee and a rant with another female/mum when life gets tough now and again. My youngest starts school this September and so I guess this is my last chance saloon but I'm kind of over it already and getting myself into the mindset of being happy with my lot even if the circle is much smaller than I envisage it might be years ago.

Anyway, I just wanted to say "me too" to help this subject of the taboo world I think it sits in.

I feel the same. I'm only 24 it's depressing and to be honest I don't know how I can go through the rest of my life this lonely

Thanks for starting this thread. I feel the same. I do have a few friends dotted about, but I don’t have a group to belong to. Recently I went to an old work friend’s hen do and she had so many obviously close friends that I basically went home and cried.

I didn’t make a lot of friends at uni because I was in an abusive relationship and I don’t think that helped.

No kids yet (TTC) and my DH is also not much of a talker. I am trying not to just go on the internet to fill time (she says while writing on Mumsnet). Reading and audiobooks are good for escapism, and I try to plan some things to do ahead of time as others have mentioned.

Solidarity. Hang in there.

Get a dog? If you have the time and resources.

I have struggled with massive trauma issues and so have not been able to keep friends until relatively recently (I’m mid 40s). I made the absolute best friend ever a couple of years ago through my dog. She has the same breed and I kept on bumping into her. Then I asked her and her busvsnd around for lunch and it went from there. They don’t have children and I think were also in a bit of weird space for making friends. Anyway she’s moved away now but I just went to visit her and we talk most days. She’s an absolute life friend.

I’ve also made another new lovely friend at the place I’m about to move through by meeting her on the beach with her dog and then going out for lunch etc.

i think what helps for me is I’m a natural extrovert and a talker. And I’m not shy about asking people out on friend dates. Of course there are lots of people I’ve done the same thing to and we haven’t become good friends. So I do think you have to get yourself out there ans - like with dating - get lots of rejections before meeting the one(s).

and the thing about having a dog is it means there’s an easy topic of conversation and a focus.

for me I’m also finally understanding that there are all sorts of ways to be friends with someone and a friendship can be valuable even if it’s not besties.

as for groups - ugh. I mean absolutely it can be lovely - but often those things look a lot more enjoyable from the outside and they can be a lot to deal with.

you actually sound very nice. I’m sure friends are Our there for you but it might not look how you think it will

I know just how you feel op. I have no family whatsoever and am a single parent to 17 year ds. Nobody embraces me whatsoever. They make no time for me.

I am an upbeat caring and often witty indivudual. I work at home as I find it more practical on health and money grounds. I tried to join a hiking group the other month and they were lovely people but I cannot justify £30 petrol the money just isn'tthere.

I have to sell my car in the spring once d s finishes army cadets and I can catch buses walk everywhere so I expect it may lift the m orale. I will buy a bike and keep on the move. I feel a failure but this is owing to utility hikes and the cost of living crisis. I have had a car for 40 years. My morale is very low.

There used to be lots of single parent friends but one by one they all moved away. Wives rarely make time for me although there is always the occasional exception. Nobody wants to catch the single parent disease....!

I have made one friend recently but she is always very busy with working full time and so am I. Will see if that goes anywhere.

I could have written this @StandingUpToday, and I do feel
for you being in such a similar situation but it also gives me some
reassurance that it's not just me- I have spent so so so many years feeling like an utter failure because of my lack of success at sustaining friendships. Like you, I'm also coming to terms with accepting this, I also have lots of hobbies and I'm looking at different volunteering opportunities and doing some courses to try and help with meeting people. I do believe it's more difficult to make friends as you get older,
Lots of people I meet already have established friendships from childhood or teenage years, and I think because I moved around a lot as a child/ teen I have never had this and really feel as though I have missed out. Like you, I wish I had someone to go for coffee or a drink with!
Also my DH is also not a taking type so I completely get it. On difficult days I just want to sit down and pour out my heart, have a good cry but as much as he is a kind and loving man, he just doesn't do sitting and talking! So I do understand.

I just found this thread from last year and what stands out is that you all sound like some of the loveliest people I've come across on MN. I hope you are all doing ok.

Reading this made my heart sore. Really hope you are all ok and things have got better

I’m the same

I’m in a cycling club which is great because I turn up & cycle and chat to people but I’m not asking/expecting them to become my friends, if that makes sense.

(Although I do get upset when inevitably other members of the club buddy up in friendly two-somes or three-somes as that never happens to me!)