I’ve been caught in this with a passive ex who could take or leave his family, one child with serious brain damage, and then the sibling with ASD getting very close to the same behaviors because he couldn’t contain his rage, even though we’d always had a good close relationship previously.
(he'd also been a victim of bullying and male aggression as a victim.)
Notably his (very large) father in the background of his life, wasn’t stepping up either, but Ds went from 'must have last word' to exploding and on the edge of violence with him, and everybody – which was key to me understanding it was as much an issue about his anger management as a whole, as his relationships.
But, I was the person there all the time, with expectations, trying to steer us as a family and dealing with a disability and how society saw me, so I was most often his flash point.
It’s very painful and difficult to admit it’s happening to you, but you’re not the first and won’t be the last. It’s a truly heart-breaking place to be and those saying call the police need to recognize most parents only do when the situation has reached a level of danger that means they no longer have a choice.
However, your son doesn’t know that, neither does he know if the neighbors might call them and end his potential career.
Eupraxias post was brutal, but actually it’s close to what your son would probably interpret your response as, and this is worth thinking about, hurtful as it is.
He’s not seeing you as a parent, or as having any value. He's seeing you as an unequal, equal who he needs to prove himself against.
TBH the fact he has a monthly allowance from a parent he isn’t respecting is potentially part of what is allowing his self-infantilising.
Is this money directly earned by you or part of you and Dad’s income? I ask because if it’s the later then you being the gatekeeper is likely to be different in his head than if you are the main provider.
Taking money already given, back from him is a very bad idea IMO. It’s the wrong type of attempted control and is potentially infantilising. Telling him there is little reason why you would continue subsiding such behaviour in the future as a matter of self-respect, is the better way – it gives him back the opportunity to take control of himself to avoid it and places the idea of self-respect into the conversation.
I notice (perfectly reasonable) but seemingly quiet passive ('I’m going to be terribly reasonable in the face of your unreasonableness' can exacerbate)
responses to his behavior, where as what he needs is a very firm, ‘you are about to no longer be a teenager’ and as few words or explaining as possible ‘information delivery’ of how things will be from now on, or it’s time for him to make his own way in the world independently.
(In our case it was followed up later with me leading him at looking more positively at whether he and I should be doing that anyway as it was the enforced enmeshing that was our particular issue colliding with his more general anger management issues. His dad ‘getting away with abandoning responsibility’ turned out to be bigger than I’d given credit to.)
One issue here is your son has already broken an important boundary of getting directly physically aggressive with you, which didn’t actually happen here. (though frighteningly close) and it may change things – please talk to professionals.