Does anyone else get pushed down the food chain at home or am I just a mug?

[Rockbird]

Just about sick of it now. Bought ingredients for pizzas tonight including a massive bag of mozzarella. Two daughters and one husband have made theirs, went to make mine, no cheese left. It happens with EVERYTHING. I buy yogurts I like, make sure everyone else has what they want, guess what? Books I've had since I was a child are wrecked and lost, everyone dumps their toys/clothes/crap in my bedroom. Kids are 14 and 10 and husband is 50 FFS. Totally the last straw tonight. Am thoroughly pissed off with it all. I just don't matter at all.

That is so selfish. That would be the last shop I did for a while.
But. And don’t take this the wrong way…. It sounds like this is not new or unusual behaviour. This must be the culture in your house. Are you sometimes a bit of a martyr and instead of addressing it properly just sulk and then the cycle repeats?
They behave like this because they don’t respect you and there are no consequences. Sit them down, get mad, and if necessary really have a big row. Don’t back down. They are entirely unreasonable - but they know this already. They just don’t care.

What was their explanation they gave for not leaving you anything? I hope you ordered yourself a pizza to be delivered?

I would be furious, it’s that casual disregard for anyone else needing to be fed.

My DDs do know to ask how many people are eating before helping themselves, because we have people on different shifts.

You don't sound pathetic, OP. I'd be annoyed too.

Bloody tell them it would have been nice to have thought about everyone in the family and that next time you'd expect some common decency.

Then order a massive pizza or takeaway just for yourself.

That’s shocking. Nothing good can come of raising children that have so little respect or empathy for you.

Did they know you wanted it saving till later, if they were all going together and you had decided not to join in siting you were not hungry or bothered, then could they have thought they could eat it?

I'm at the top of the tree at my house, something I learnt from my own mother. I've always made it quite clear that I'm a person, not just someone who does all the work for them.

My dc are teenagers now but right from when they were very small I've made sure they have known I matter. Things like 'yes I'll help you look for your teddy but not until I have made a cup of tea and had a sit down'.

Hope you ordered your own takeaway

You need to start having restorative conversations.

What happened?
What were you thinking and feeling?
Who was impacted by your behaviour and how?
What were they thinking and feeling (if not covered already)
What can you do to make this better?

Guide them to the responses and make them follow through.

I have an 8 and 4 year old and we have had many chats about how mummy is a person too, with feelings.

Stop letting yourself be bottom of the pile.

So did all 3 of them go out and get more cheese?

Sorry OP, you and your husband are responsible for educating your children. I've met adults like your dds and it was not nice; nobody wanted to be around them

Me too!

No I don’t think this is normal at all. If there’s one ice cream left, one kid will always ask the other if they want half of it and if there’s only one unshareable thing left every one of us will check if someone else was saving it. That’s just kindness and good manners. I can’t imagine living in a household where it’s everyone for themselves.

This. I asked DD why her ice cream was so small yesterday. The answer, "grandma hasn't had any yet".

Someone is doing a piss poor job of installing empathy in your kids. I suspect your DH but you probably both need to look at this.

I don't think that is normal behaviour.

That is very selfish thoughtless behaviour which you are allowing to continue, so it does.

You are doing your children no favour raising them this way.

When I was a new mother I remember hearing a person talk about "consideration for others" and how as mothers and primary carer's, we are the first people to teach this to our children.
How important it is to teach our children to be considerate of mum.

This really resonated with me.

The suggestion was when children were about 3 and could understand the concept of taking "mummy time" to explain to them that mums need a break, to sit down have a coffee, not be interrupted, to be left alone for a bit.
We did it here and it worked quite well.

Women forget to do that and IMO children will bleed you dry if you allow it.

OP, your children and husband don't behave respectfully of you, because you don't behave respectfully of yourself.

We teach people how to treat us.

Today, tell your husband to sort dinner.
Stop buying ANY, and I mean ANY treats that your children like.

When mine need a dose of zero tolerance I half my food bill by not buying things they love......all the treats they hoover up.
Most effective.

Stop doing anything that makes their life easier.

As for your husband, do the same.

You are bottom of the heap because YOU have placed yourself there.

I know children can be selfish, I have them!......but you are tolerating it and they have grown up not to give a damn, with your husband modeling it too.

Stop being a skivvy.
Stop making so little of yourself in front of them.

They should have been sent to the shop to replace it.

A week of uncooperative mum, whilst spelling out exactly what behaviour you are not happy with and will no longer tolerate, should give them pause for thought.

As for your marriage, it doesn't sound great either.
He needs a real dose of you stepping back too.

Go away for a few days to family or a friend, and don't leave any food in the house, leave them to it.

Value yourself and they will value you.

If you want THEM to change, start with yourself first.

Actions not words.

Show them firmly and calmly that last night was not acceptable and will no longer be tolerated, and mean it.

Really agree with this.

My children always double check about food and don't just take all and anything they want.

It is consideration of others and basic manners.

But they were reared that way.

People like your children grow up to be adults that others actively choose not to be around.

The thing is, you list all this shitty behaviour, but where are all the consequences?

I agree, @billy1966 - and pp. It's the culture of the household. To be polite and considerate - anybody mind if I finish the cheese? Is it ok to have the last yoghurt? Like the little girl saving ice cream for Grandma - that's care and respect for others.

I wouldn’t stand for that and I don’t think my dh/DCs would behave in that manner.
they have occasionally eaten food that I was saving for recipe/taking to friends but because I told them afterwards it wasn’t for them they now ask if they’re not sure if its not something I usually buy. I also hide my posh Tony’s choc as they’re all major chocoholics and would devour it in 5 mins.

however, this is a meal that you’ve missed out on, not a bit of choc as a snack. I would sit them down and explain that you were really upset they’d used all the cheese etc esp when you’d bought it in the first place. Try and make them see it from your pov.
i sometimes am not hungry at dinner and I’ll say ‘I’ll make myself something later’ but everyone needs to communicate their food needs.

It's not pathetic and would piss me off.

I hope you ordered a Chinese for one on his card!

This doesn't happen in our house, my house growing up or my DGPs house where there were loads of us.

We share. We certainly wouldnt leave someone we loved with nothing. We wouldnt leave a stranger with nothing.

That would be it for me. Just buy your own groceries. A day or meal at a time if you have to.

It happens here. My adult son cooks his own meals and doesn’t ask what he can use. I buy yoghurts, ham, cheese, salads, fruit, fish, chocolate, that only I like, as otherwise I get, “I didn’t know”. I’ve told him so many times to ask first. He does buy his own stuff, which I now use but that’s mainly small items.

We teach people how to treat us.

This. You and your DH are responsible for teaching your children how to treat others. All kids can be self-absorbed, but do they really give this little thought to anyone else’s feelings? I understand your frustration, but unfortunately their behaviour is on you.

But your DH’s attitude is appalling. Why didn’t he divide the food up and save some for you if he was cooking with the children? Why does he think it doesn’t matter if you get left with nothing? Is he always this much of a twat?

You need to change the dynamics here.
You do matter and your family needs to see this.
Stop doing everything and make your family help out by taking on responsibilities. Dump all their crap back in their room or warn them you're binning it next time they do this and bin it.
Buy stuff for yourself and tell then it's for you and they'd better not touch it.
Do they do anything for you on special occasions or are you forgotten about then too?