I absolutely hate being a mum!

[Shittestmother]

I feel like a fucking shit mother for feeling like this and even worse for screaming it to me kids in a moment of utter despair.

You'd think they're young babies and toddlers but no they're not. They're 10,9, 5. They were horrendous as babies. I shudder thinking about those days and what I went through.

Right now, they do nothing but watch TV, make mess, constantly fight, eat junk and follow me around everywhere.

I go into a room to make a zoom call and they are banging on the door when Ive already told them I'm in a meeting. It won't be long, just a quick 15 minutes that's all I ask but even that's too much for them.

The sound of constant bickering is driving me insane, the incessant whiny call of mummy every 5 minutes makes me what to scream.

I can't get a moment of peace. I'm on my own, juggling then and working from home and I'm exhausted by lunchtime.

It's getting me so so down. I don't enjoy being with them anymore. I just want to run away and massively regret having them.

This isn't just because it's the school hols. It's like this all the time. I've got them booked on clubs from next week and they have been whining about that since the start of the hols.

I feel like a shit mum, like where did I fucking go wrong with this.

In reality, how much longer is it for?

Do them a packed lunch and a snack pack each. You control what goes in there, they control what they eat and when.

Set them up with a Joe Wicks workout or yoga.

Do they know how to play on their own?

If you want I can share my wfh with smallish dc tips?

1. screens. TV/ iPad/switch/ whatever. For use in the first 5 hours of my working day. You can include obligatory 30 minute spelling/ times table app sessions if you want to feel less guilty.


2. A packed lunch. I can guarantee mine won’t eat it until screen time is up.


3. Provide something to do after lunch. Send them in the garden to see who can bounce a ball the most times, or set them up with colouring, or send them to tidy their rooms with a promise of a reward afterwards. You now probably have 1.5 to 2 hours of work left.


4. snack box. A second packed lunch is handy about now.


5. send them to get shoes and coats on. If they can wait without disturbing you, you’re going out afterwards


6. finish work and take them to burn energy.

Do they know how to play on their own?

Children of that age shouldn't be playing on their own for days on end. It was fine in the 70s when we could just go and call for other children and all play out together for whole days at a time, but that's not the reality for most children now. OP and her partner, if she has one, need to be tag-teaming with the children (and that means actually doing stuff with them). If no partner, holiday clubs etc would be better than no attention at all. They are asking for attention from a parent, which isn't unreasonable at those ages.

Hi OP that sounds tough.

Just wondering, are the 10 and 9 year old expected to babysit the 5 year old while you work in the house? And also provide meals for themselves and their sibling (You say if you don't do it they eat junk, so sometimes they're expected to?)

I think it'd benefit all of you to find some childcare arrangement to cover the entire time you're working, for your benefit and theirs. Then you can focus on working properly, and then being the good mum Im sure you are when you're not. Is there anyone else that is able to help at all until clubs start?

Such a sad post.

make the children a packed lunch each morning.

put a bowl of fruit out and let them snack from that

where are the father/s?

sounds like you need a break as you seem to be reaching your limit. Maybe see your gp

That wasn’t what I was asking @etopp

A lot of children now don’t know how to play on their own because we cram so much into their day and week. Their response to being bored is then completely different.

I was not expecting the kids to be sent out to play quietly for hours on end, but for 30-45 mins of a pretend game or activity, giving OP chance to complete some work.

Hope that clears up your misunderstanding.

OP, you poor thing. That sounds like hell on earth. You can't WFH and be sole carer to your kids. It just isn't possible. I bloody hate this country that so many women are put in this position.

There isnb;t a quick fix and it isn;t your or their fault, but I would sit them down at tea time tonight and say: we can;t survive like this. I have to work during the day. if I don't, I get no pay and we have no money for food, electricity, water etc,. We need me to work and I must have peace, that can't change. Then ask them how they think they can help. Ask how they think they can stay calm and quiet and entertain themselves during yoru work hours.

Set up a daily structure. It will feel tough at first but once you get into it, it will be easier because part of them pestering you is their sensing that you hate this life and that will unsettle them. they'll keep checking you;re still there for them. Ifyou give them loads of attention when you can, they might settle down in between.

Also set each of them up with a cosy place in different parts of the house - with a cushion/rug, cuddly toy, drink, book etc. if they fight , you send each of them to their cosy place to calm down. Not a punishment - a self-rehgulator. Say to stay there intil they feel calm then back to playing when they are ready. get them to be in charge of managing their own emotions.

Try an dstructure the day so it starts with some focused attentuion from you. Maybe get up early and do some exercise together, Anything from Joe Wicks to a walk or silly dancing in the kitchen. Get them to take turns to choose what they want to do as the morning fitness. Then have a healthy breakfast together - no sugar or refined carbs as that will get them hyper and fighting. Maybe wholemeal toast with peanut butter or an egg and soldiers.

After that, explain you need to work, Lay out some healthy snacks for them, and set them up with some stuff to do - a long film to watch, a not too messy craft project.

If you can, try to work for 50 mins each hour and come out to check on them for ten minutes. Give lots of praise for them being good.

Meet up again at lunch. Chat about what they got up to. Reward them for good behaviour. Mine loved a big pasta shell each in a jar if they had been calm. Once the jar filled, they'd earned a day trip.

At the end of your working day, greet them with cuddles as if you had been out of the home and missed them. Do something together - something summery - get the paddling pool out or find an ice cream van or BBQ some sausages - so they recognise you love being with them when you can.

This sort of plan doesn't always work smoothly but ime, when children are whiny and clingy and refuse to let you work it's one of three things:
they know you are stressed by them and so are on hyper alert to keep you in sight all the time - a sort of animal instinct against neglect
or they are so fuelled by sugar etc they can't behave well
or they are ill.

You can try and change the first two. Not easy but might help. The cosy corner thing really helped me with SEN children fighting as they just had to go and play alone until they were ready to play nicely together. I used to hear them start to pick fights and then whisper - stop or she;ll make us go in different rooms. It really does teach them to self-regulate squabbles.

I'm really sorry you are struggling. Where is their dad in all of this?

Ah op don't beat yourself up. It's a hard job.

As pp have said focus on what you can control. You can choose what food to buy, you can choose whether to give them privileges (tv, WiFi, allowance).

DS6 has to earn his allowance by tidying his room (a constant battle which often leaves him without an allowance but I am hoping the principle will sink in!)

It's relentless but you do have some power even if it often doesn't feel like it!

@Shittestmother

You need some childcare for these kids it's unfair on them and you

If I'm wfh I always have childcare it's in our wfh policy why would people think that this was ok to do when your being paid to work???

It's really difficult, and I feel for you - I can't say it gets better but it gets different as they grow.

My concern is that, unless you are self-employed, you are being paid to do a job but you're actually minding your children alongside - you're never going to be able to do well at both because they are not compatible. If you're working, you need to arrange childcare - they will be attended to and safe, and you'll be able to get some space to work and clear your head. Can you get their dad or family to help, either physically or with the cost of childcare, or do swaps with other parents during the holidays? If you're on certain benefits then you can claim some childcare costs which might help.

No helpful advice but I also hate being a mum.

I have a 3 month old and 15 month old. I don’t think it’s there ages as I genuinely can’t see it ever getting better. I just find it so shit and exhausting. It’s hell

You ain't very likeable yourself honey.

Your personal opinion of me does not change the fact that children behave how they are brought up to behave.

So if anyone has a problem with their childrens behaviour, that is something they need to address and nip in the bud.

Not leave it going for years and years for an easy life then get to late primary school age and cry but why don’t they listen to me!

They don’t listen because you have taught them it is okay to ignore you.

children behave how they are brought up to behave

Bullshit.

I have 4 kids. 3 girls and a boy. I had one who was a nightmare. I had 3 who behaved impeccably. Same rules, same house, same parenting.
Wouldn't listen, wouldn't do what they were told, caused havoc.

I listened to a person like you. I blamed myself. I tried harder with repercussions, punishments etc. I beat myself up every day because I thought I was a shit mother. I FELT like a shit mother because some days I felt I hated my daughter because she would not behave.

How you think it is helpful to come on and berate a mother on the edge is beyond me. I did not report you but I am glad others did and your nasty comment was deleted.

If you cannot be helpful.... say nowt.

You're not a shit mum. Anyone would struggle trying to work whilst young kids needed taking care of.
The things I find helpful is keep on reminding your dcs that you're a team and you all help each other out.
A routine and some structure might help.
Get a list of things they need to do while you're working and promise them a reward at the end of the day or tell them no screen time until it's done.
Include things like chores, reading, playing and arts and crafts in your list but more specific.

Take them out as much as you can as they need fresh air and space to use up energy.
Play a game of catch or kick a ball around in the garden with them at lunchtime.
Take them out after you finish your work and let them know where you're taking them if they can behave well and get all those things done.

@Bubbafly You do realise you can’t and shouldn’t apply the same parenting model to each child, yes?

Getting angry and doling out punishments and repercussions because you feel judged doesn’t help. Looking at who your child is, treating them as an individual and researching parenting techniques that would suit them would have been the way to go.

I looked at who my child was. I saw that she was struggling. I saw that my parenting skills that worked with her siblings did not work. I changed my technique. I ignored the bad behaviour and rewarded the good. I picked my battles. I have a wonderful 19 year old now who is amazing young woman. I learned how to be the mother my child needed me to be through trial and error.

The difference between me and you is, I would never ever tell another mother who was really really struggling she was doing a shit job. Only arseholes do that.

@bubblescoop

out of pure nosiness, do you have any children?

You'd think they're young babies and toddlers but no they're not. They're 10,9, 5. They were horrendous as babies. I shudder thinking about those days and what I went through.

Sounds tough. But if the first one was already so ‘horrendous’ to the point you shudder… why keep going until you had 3 of them?

I still dont understand why you went on to have 3 children? Surely having one and two is stressful enough! Didnt you have an inkling then?

💐 let's support each other here. Hear, hear.

I have one of my four DC being assessed for ADHD just now, but he has obviously turned out this way because of the way I have raised him.... parenting him just like the others, oh I wonder what happened there?🤔

Sounds tough OP.

I find parenting a struggle too.

i have two small tips that may help. I used to give them the laundry basket of clothes to put away, asking them to put it away now, which would escalate into arguments when they invariably refuse. Now I give them the baskets and say cheerfully, can you put this away at some point, today or tomorrow is fine. Lo and behold having the control stops the battle and they usually put it away immediately anyway!

it works with other requests too, just frame them slightly differently.

With food, I keep chopped up salad bits, ham, grated cheese, hard boiled eggs etc in the fridge, plus yoghurts and chopped fruit. Wraps or sliced bread in the bread bin. They are expected to make, and show me a decent lunch and eat it before they have access to treat food. If I don’t prepare in advance, they’ll just stick ham between two slices of bread and then they’re hungry an hour later.

Best of luck.

Ok asking the OP why she had multiple children is NOT helpful. They’re here now and she’s looking for support/advice.

@Bubbafly I never said she was a shit mother. I don’t even think it. Don’t make things up to suit your narrative.

@Endlesslypatient82 Yes, I have two.