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Original poster

Don't want sex ever again.

34 replies

Gasmyarse · 02/08/2022 12:53

I have been seeing my partner for 8 years. We have 2 children together. But don't live together. This is what works best for us. That's not what this post is about but felt It made sense to give that info.

So when he's here he wants us to have sex. But I don't want to. I have completely gone of it. my sex drive is zero. We have probably done it 4/5 times in the last year. I do feel bad for him because he wants it often and I don't want it at all.
I find myself making excuses like I'm on my period when I'm not.

I know its my body and my right to say no. But I do feel unfair to him as well.

I'm 45 so not sure if it could have anything to do with menopause. Not showing any symptoms though.

OP posts:
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 02/08/2022 13:08

I am like this too...post menopause and just find it painful.
Could honestly never have it again and it wouldn't bother me.
Plus l am always knackered by the time l get into bed

CarlCarlson · 02/08/2022 13:17

Its absolutely your right to not have sex again and you shouldn’t have sex if you don’t want to

But it’s also his right to leave when you tell him/he realises

Original poster
Gasmyarse · 02/08/2022 14:27

CarlCarlson · 02/08/2022 13:17

Its absolutely your right to not have sex again and you shouldn’t have sex if you don’t want to

But it’s also his right to leave when you tell him/he realises

Very true. Just don't know the answer really.

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 02/08/2022 14:40

Completely up to you if you never want sex again, but you need to tell him this, so he has the option to leave the relationship if sex is important to him.
45 is young. I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I'd never have sex again.

Original poster
Gasmyarse · 02/08/2022 16:49

ladydimitrescu · 02/08/2022 14:40

Completely up to you if you never want sex again, but you need to tell him this, so he has the option to leave the relationship if sex is important to him.
45 is young. I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I'd never have sex again.

I should think he has at least a clue considering we have only done the deed 4/5 times in the past year.

OP posts:
theniceunderstandingone · 02/08/2022 16:52

Would you be upset if he got sex elsewhere?
Maybe it could be an open marriage (on his part) if you were happy with that

I love sex so I would totally pick up on the fact my partner doesn't want to do it and keeps making excuses. As the other PP said I couldn't stay in a relationship where there is no infancy

theniceunderstandingone · 02/08/2022 16:53

*intimacy sorry

BigFatLiar · 02/08/2022 16:57

Just be honest with him, he deserves that at least. If you don't see him as a partner how do you see him, as a friend who you co parent with?

SmileyClare · 02/08/2022 17:02

Be honest with him rather than making excuses. He will otherwise draw all sorts of conclusions that you're rejecting him or no longer love him.

Why not make a gp appointment to discuss? There are various medical causes for loss of libido that can be treated including abnormal hormone levels, diabetes, dryness issues, high blood pressure, thyroid issues or sure effects of medications.

The issue may also be psychological; stress, depression, trauma or not feeling emotionally connected or supported by a partner.

Meantime, You can aim for intimacy in other ways just to keep a physical bond, or you may wish to "relieve" him occasionally? Sorry if that's a bit graphic!

GOATtheAcronym · 02/08/2022 17:24

It's your right to whatever you want with your body but it's his right to find it elsewhere.

DillonPanthersTexas · 02/08/2022 17:34

He has probably worked out by now that something is 'not right'. If you do not want sex again then that is your prerogative, but you do need to tell him, and he needs to respect that decision. Equally, you can't expect him to remain in a monogamous sexless relationship either.

Original poster
Gasmyarse · 02/08/2022 17:46

SmileyClare · 02/08/2022 17:02

Be honest with him rather than making excuses. He will otherwise draw all sorts of conclusions that you're rejecting him or no longer love him.

Why not make a gp appointment to discuss? There are various medical causes for loss of libido that can be treated including abnormal hormone levels, diabetes, dryness issues, high blood pressure, thyroid issues or sure effects of medications.

The issue may also be psychological; stress, depression, trauma or not feeling emotionally connected or supported by a partner.

Meantime, You can aim for intimacy in other ways just to keep a physical bond, or you may wish to "relieve" him occasionally? Sorry if that's a bit graphic!

I think your right. I think there is stuff going on but I don't really realise it until I really think about it.

I have been extremely stressed with things going on at home with my other children (not his). So I'm always mentally drained. That situation is being looked into but its a waiting game as well. And there's often other stuff going on that I have to deal with on my own.

He used to stay over every weekend fr-mon and then one night mid week. But this stopped when I told him I could not cope anymore and I Need a break. It was a combination of him and family stuff ie my kids mental health etc.

He had never actually helped me with his children until I told him I Need a break it was me doing ( everything) and he started having them every other weekend. I think hes been having them for around 8 months or so. But before that it was all on me. When he was staying on a regular basis I felt like I had another child and it was very stressful. I honestly felt close to a break down with all that was going on.

I think he does not have any understanding of how hard it actually is. He just thinks he works I don't. He has no understanding that my day does not stop at 5pm.

Then the sexual side of it. He can't get erections. When he had the snip he was told this could happen. He was ok still though. But past couple of years it has not been ok. He blames me that he cant get an erection. As he can when he's alone.

So yes there is more to it really.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 02/08/2022 17:51

He's blaming the snip or you for his ED ?

picklemewalnuts · 02/08/2022 17:52

"When he was staying on a regular basis I felt like I had another child and it was very stressful. "

Coupled with his lack of erections, I'm not surprised you aren't interested. He's not exactly making himself attractive.

It's tricky, but it doesn't sound as though you get anything from the relationship. The kids are his, so he should be pulling his weight.

You both need a reset to see what the relationship is about. Separate out the parenting from the relationship. No one is entitled to relationship. It's something both should want because it benefits them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2022 17:54

Sounds like it’s run its course. You’d both be happier if you end it and stop the relationship part completely.

Staynow · 02/08/2022 17:56

He blames you when he can't get it up? Why would you want to have sex with someone who does that? I don't blame you at all and have no idea why you would feel bad. Maybe this relationship has just run it's course.

BigFatLiar · 02/08/2022 18:01

If he can't maintain an erection how's he expecting regular intercourse?

Original poster
Gasmyarse · 02/08/2022 18:05

justasking111 · 02/08/2022 17:51

He's blaming the snip or you for his ED ?

Hes blaming me for the ED he says because he never knows when we are going to do it. He becomes all nervous so then he can't do the deed. But he was told he could have problems plus he's mid 50s which I think? It can be quite common at that age? But yes he blames me.

OP posts:
woody87 · 02/08/2022 18:10

You don't live together and you don't have sex, so it's not a relationship then is it?

Original poster
Gasmyarse · 02/08/2022 18:21

woody87 · 02/08/2022 18:10

You don't live together and you don't have sex, so it's not a relationship then is it?

Well when he was staying every long weekend. Plus 1 night of the week. I saw that as a relationship.

The sexual part has happened due to erection issues and stress from my side.

We don't have the traditional relationship that most people have. Ie kids live together ect. We have never actually lived together but that's what worked for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gasmyarse · 02/08/2022 18:25

Staynow · 02/08/2022 17:56

He blames you when he can't get it up? Why would you want to have sex with someone who does that? I don't blame you at all and have no idea why you would feel bad. Maybe this relationship has just run it's course.

It sounds really stupid. But I feel close to him when there is no sex. So example if I'm on my period or there's just no intention on both parts of us doing it. I just feel more relaxed and close to him.

OP posts:
felulageller · 02/08/2022 18:29

This isn't a relationship.

Tell him to stop staying over. Send his DC's to him 3 night a week and both move on with your lives.

dreamingbohemian · 02/08/2022 18:29

You're not married, you don't live together, and you barely ever have sex, so why not just call it a day and co-parent as friends?

Original poster
Gasmyarse · 02/08/2022 18:38

dreamingbohemian · 02/08/2022 18:29

You're not married, you don't live together, and you barely ever have sex, so why not just call it a day and co-parent as friends?

That is what it feels like I think. More of a friendship relationship. I mean I love him and I'm fond of him. And I think sometimes you can have a better friendship

OP posts:
dworky · 02/08/2022 19:04

CarlCarlson · 02/08/2022 13:17

Its absolutely your right to not have sex again and you shouldn’t have sex if you don’t want to

But it’s also his right to leave when you tell him/he realises

Bizarre. It's anyone's right to leave a marriage at any time but you're suggesting he's only with OP for sex.
What about honouring your own body or should, in your opinion, women subjucate themselves totally to male entitlement?