Page 2 | Don't want sex ever again.

Gasmyarse · 2022-08-02T11:53:10+00:00

I have been seeing my partner for 8 years. We have 2 children together. But don't live together. This is what works best for us. That's not what this post is about but felt It made sense to give that info. So when he's here he wants us to have sex. But I don't want to. I have completely gone of it. my sex drive is zero. We have probably done it 4/5 times in the last year. I do feel bad for him because he wants it often and I don't want it at all. I find myself making excuses like I'm on my period when I'm not. I know its my body and my right to say no. But I do feel unfair to him as well. I'm 45 so not sure if it could have anything to do with menopause. Not showing any symptoms though.

justasking111 · 02/08/2022 19:12

Gasmyarse · 02/08/2022 18:05

Hes blaming me for the ED he says because he never knows when we are going to do it. He becomes all nervous so then he can't do the deed. But he was told he could have problems plus he's mid 50s which I think? It can be quite common at that age? But yes he blames me.

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You're right problems do arise as he gets older, but health weight also play their part. I don't think it's your fault because he could have looked elsewhere if he was fully functioning. Men can blame their partner for this though sadly

PlanetNormal · 02/08/2022 19:16

You are perfectly entitled to decide that you never want to have sex again. Your body, your life, your choice.

But… Your DP is also perfectly entitled to regard your decision as a deal breaker, and if I were in his position it certainly would be for me.

SmileyClare · 02/08/2022 19:42

It sounds like the perfect storm for your sex life to die Op; you're stressed, have some mental health issues, you have a lot of to cope with at the moment, you both hold resentment for each other and lots of unresolved issues.

Living apart is not really the issue if that worked for you previously. Could you both attend some couples counselling? You need to reconnect and I think you need some impartial outside help.
It sounds like you feel very unsupported and emotionally detached, he needs to address his ED issues- there are various treatments available.

Of course there is the option of splitting and co parenting. Don't stay out of feelings of obligation or guilt.
The first step is to take the bull by the horns and address this rather than limping along and both making excuses.

Pick a good time- maybe if you're able to go out for a meal together or a walk without the children and be honest with each other X

Weatherwithme · 02/08/2022 19:54

Resentment when a partner doesn’t do their share and is like an extra child usually kills any desire. It’s what killed my marriage. It’s pretty unattractive to be lazy and selfish.

Original poster

Gasmyarse · 02/08/2022 19:57

justasking111 · 02/08/2022 19:12

You're right problems do arise as he gets older, but health weight also play their part. I don't think it's your fault because he could have looked elsewhere if he was fully functioning. Men can blame their partner for this though sadly

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Kind of sad In away . Because I don't care if he cant not at all . But I suppose he cares still has his sex drive . Where I don't. So really that's me being selfish.

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justasking111 · 02/08/2022 20:04

Gasmyarse · 02/08/2022 19:57

Kind of sad In away . Because I don't care if he cant not at all . But I suppose he cares still has his sex drive . Where I don't. So really that's me being selfish.

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NO you're not being selfish, he is responsible for his own health. It's him that needs to see a doctor, get some help.

Original poster

Gasmyarse · 02/08/2022 21:16

SmileyClare · 02/08/2022 19:42

It sounds like the perfect storm for your sex life to die Op; you're stressed, have some mental health issues, you have a lot of to cope with at the moment, you both hold resentment for each other and lots of unresolved issues.

Living apart is not really the issue if that worked for you previously. Could you both attend some couples counselling? You need to reconnect and I think you need some impartial outside help.
It sounds like you feel very unsupported and emotionally detached, he needs to address his ED issues- there are various treatments available.

Of course there is the option of splitting and co parenting. Don't stay out of feelings of obligation or guilt.
The first step is to take the bull by the horns and address this rather than limping along and both making excuses.

Pick a good time- maybe if you're able to go out for a meal together or a walk without the children and be honest with each other X

I think your right. There's definitely nothing to loose by having a proper discussion. So will do that for sure.

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SmileyClare · 02/08/2022 21:22

Ah good luck.
Some couples find it helps to abstain completely from sex for say 6 months and just try to connect and be affectionate in other ways? I don't know if that might help? Sex has become too loaded for you now, you feel pressured and guilty for not wanting to, he feels rejected and has difficulty performing when he's persuaded you..

I've no idea if he'd agree to something like that though!

Original poster

Gasmyarse · 02/08/2022 22:41

I think I get what you mean. Almost like a reset button. Start again learn to relax with each other and ge clued in a non sexual way . I don't think he would go for that though. That's kind of me getting what want no sex. Whilst he wants the sex. I think I'm going to tell him everything I feel though. I'm going tk tell him all the things I find difficult. But also the good bits.

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