Music for a tricky funeral

[Lottapianos]

Planning MIL's funeral service. DP and I had a difficult relationship with her and we don't know much about her musical tastes. Would like some suggestions for tasteful, sober, respectful pieces of instrumental or sung music with the following caveats:

Nothing religious or spiritual
Nothing about love
Nothing mushy about 'family'
Nothing about what an inspiration the person was ('You Raise Me Up' etc)

For extra context, she was 76 and VERY conservative/ stuck in the past. Thanks for any suggestions, it's a tough one!

And the OP is going for respectful. That's fine.

If they liked her that much they could have organised the funeral themselves, if the way OP and her DP are doing it is so wrong.

That’s why the OP is looking for respectful appropriate music that isn’t religious, sentimental or otherwise inappropriate to her husband (the woman’s son) who had a difficult relationship with her.

she’s not looking to okay ‘ding dong the witch is dead’.

our family member never listened to music. which is why we chose nice-not-too-sad melodic music.

after all a funeral is for the living, not the dead.

I have sung at funerals and also had a rough relationship with my own mum. I had “Blackbird” by the Beatles, “Sheep May Safely Graze” by Bach (or”Schafe können sicher weiden” in German. I love “Ave Verum Corpus” by Mozart. Very appropriate for funerals and everyone loves that one. “Halleluia” by Leonard Cohen or the Jeff Buckley version. Also the Faure Cello Concerto.

All the more reason to pick something decent but not hypocritical.

how much you detest this person and ask for recommendations of music in that vein at no point has op asked music to reflect their bad relationship, or her feelings, more the opposite - something respectful but neutral. What purpose is having something mushy or sentimental and have people bitching op and her partner are hypocrites? Have people accusing them of putting on a front or pretend the relationship was fine?

You don’t need music. Skip it if you aren’t sure

have you asked any friends she had of same age ? They may know what she liked in her youth

what music does your DH remember being played in house as a child ? If he can’t remember then no music at funeral. If he can remember something like radio 1 or radio 2 etc go back to when she as in her late teens and early 20s and pick something form charts at the time

at my MIL she loved 1930-1950 musicals- we had “shall we dance” which she was always trying to sing…a bit odd retrospectively but hey ho.

Agree with both of these and that familiar classics such as The Lark Ascending might be the way to go.
Also worth listening to Bach's Cello concerto in Gmajor (prelude) or Bach's Harpsichord concerto in Fminor (the largo specifically). Both are quite stately and likely to be familiar.

Would Mozart's Lacrimosa be considered to close to religion as its from one of his funeral masses?

Thank you to posters who have shown empathy and kindness, and have the emotional intelligence to know that family situations can be 'complex', shall we say. I thought I made all that quite clear in my OP but not clear enough for some apparently. Nightmare, I particularly appreciate your professional advice and your sensitivity

I have a lot of researching to do, thank you to those who made appropriate suggestions

I really can't see anything in the OP at all that justifies some of the awful responses on here. Not everyone loves their parents, it's as simple as that!

My mum had a list of music she wanted played and the reason why. For example, the music used for the London marathon because she found it inspirational
@Gatehouse77
bravo to your mum. I think that's absolutely lovely 💐

@Lottapianos I wonder if you've already given it enough brain space and it's time to hand over to the funeral director. Time for you and your dh to close the chapter 💐

Bach, prelude cello suite number 1.possibly not what I want for my send off, which is divine comedy, national express.

Pachelbel's Canon in D is more often used for weddings. As a bass player, I'd come back to haunt my family if they used that awful piece for me - the same 8 notes played 29 times over is so tedious. I also really dislike The Lark Ascending and it is way too long, but the mood is more fitting.

Although I'm not an Elgar fan, the slow (2nd) movement of his Serenade for Strings might fit the bill. Or the slow (2nd) movement of Mozart's Clarinet Concerto. You could also try the instrumental movement from Benjamin Britten's Ceremony of Carols - it's not remotely Christmassy but is a lovely piece for solo harp.

I've told my lot that I'd like Siegfried's Funeral Music from Götterdämmerung by Wagner because it's dramatic and sad if rather long. I would also love Richard Strauss' Im Abendrot, the final of his Four Last Songs because it is a beautiful piece of music written shortly before his own death, but again, it's quite long. One of the most moving funerals I went to had no singing at all. The lady who died was a musician and her husband was an academic. The pieces they chose were incredibly poignant and personal to her and gave ample time to reflect on her.

Second movement of Beethoven’s 5th piano concerto.

Pachelbel's Canon in D is more often used for weddings. As a bass player, I'd come back to haunt my family if they used that awful piece for me - the same 8 notes played 29 times over is so tedious.

I was going to say that it was probably only a good idea if MIL was a cellist and they wanted to make a point 😉

If you did want something with words, May It Be from one of the Lord of the Rings films might be one to consider.

OP i don't have any good ideas for music to add. I think classical is the way to go and you have had some good recommendations.

There was nothing in your post that was disrespectful or unkind and I don't know why some posters are being sp rude. It sounds like you're doing your best to organise something appropriate and respectful in what must be very difficult circumstances for you and family

Thank you MrsDeacon. There seems to be a pile on in many threads, it doesn't take much!

You're welcome and I hope you find some suitable music. There have been plenty of excellent suggestions by pp.

Some of the responses on this thread have been jaw-droppingly spiteful and totally lacking in empathy for you, your family and the situation you find yourself in.

Good luck with it all.

This has been the exit music at the last three funerals I have been to (I go to a lot as a church verger).

It's beautiful.

I’ve done it. The music and readings are all chosen and whoever makes the arrangements can choose from the shortlist I’ve made for them.

It’s a deeply depressing thread.

I Giorno by Einaudi. Non religious, not massively emotive and very lovely

I don't like any music with lyrics at funerals - at worst, sentimental and cheesy and at best misinterpreted.

Nimrod is always worth having, tho. Stick to popular classical pieces and you can't go wrong - any Bach, Lark Ascending, Pachalbel.

All my tears Emmylou Harris

1. If you're dead in this situation, then you were probably very aware in life that the relationship was strained.
2. In my opinion, as you get in a bit, you shoild have basic funeral instructions written to help those arranging it. My parents have. Obviously this is unavoidable if you die unexpectedly...
3. I thought the OP was quite clear in just wanting recommendations, not remonstrations.

OP, I would just ask the funeral directors to choose something.

An utterly beautiful piece of music is the theme music from the Coen brothers film remake of True Grit. It's written by Carter Burwell.

Unfortunately, in the context of the OP's mother in law's funeral it's called The Wicked Flee.
But you could just call it the theme from True Grit on the funeral booklet if there is one.

My father-in-laws had the lark ascending during the but they take the coffin away. I want spirit in the sky at my leaving party, not having a funeral