Music for a tricky funeral

[Lottapianos]

Planning MIL's funeral service. DP and I had a difficult relationship with her and we don't know much about her musical tastes. Would like some suggestions for tasteful, sober, respectful pieces of instrumental or sung music with the following caveats:

Nothing religious or spiritual
Nothing about love
Nothing mushy about 'family'
Nothing about what an inspiration the person was ('You Raise Me Up' etc)

For extra context, she was 76 and VERY conservative/ stuck in the past. Thanks for any suggestions, it's a tough one!

am I sad that I’ve got a playlist already set up on the family Spotify for my funeral songs? I’ve told my family, who think I’m bonkers (I’m not expecting to go anytime soon)

No. They will be really grateful when the time comes. You never know when that will be.

@Lottapianos Ignore the snippy responses. I briefly worked in the funeral industry. Tricky situations, such as you're alluding to, are actually really common. So you're not alone. The funeral director, and the celebrant if you appoint one, will be very familiar with navigating this kind of dynamic. You should be able to be honest and open with them and they will help.

Families are complex and it can often be a challenge organising a funeral for someone who wasn't well liked, or had hurt their family somehow during life. It's just a fact of life that not everyone who dies does so leaving a horde of adoring relatives around them.

Just coming on here to say this.
Any classical music OP.
Only music, no words.

I think people that haven't experienced truly difficult family situations (not just the odd argument etc) would find it very difficult to imagine how it feels...so should just take peoples word for it.

@Lottapianos sounds like you are going above and beyond by doing the funeral at all. I know my DH and me will have no.part in my MILs. Funeral directors etc will have so experience in these situations and will certainly suggest music.

A friend's dad had 'Nimrod' as his funeral music. It was lovely, solemn and moving without being sentimental. Two favourite solemn, quiet ones are Faure's 'Pavane' and Vaugn Williams' 'Variations on a theme by Thomas Tallis'.

I would stick with classical @Lottapianos . No lyrics to worry about, most people have no idea what it was written for but avoid things like Romeo and Juliet or anything used commercially.

Is there likely to be more than you and DP there? You could prob reduce how many pieces you have if it's very small

It depends on where you want to have the music in the service. The Lark Ascending (as a for instance) is 17 minutes long.

Look for the pieces on Youtube and it will tell you how long each video is. That might help you shorten the list.

My mum had a list of music she wanted played and the reason why. For example, the music used for the London marathon because she found it inspirational.

Personally, I think people should either make their wishes clear in advance or accept it’s left to others.

I, after much discussion and thought, have decided that the people left behind can decide how they want to remember me. I’m not there so it has no impact on me.

Vivaldi winter then walk out to spring?

Theme from A Summer Place. Beautiful instrumental.

The Adagio from Telemann's Concerto in D Minor. Played by Maurice André.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=mR9ZVfTRIUo

Stuff that might fit the bill (all solemn but beautiful, classical pieces)

Consolations - Liszt
Andante Festivo - Sibelius
Giorni Dispari - Einaudi
The Swan - Saint-Saens
Adagio in G Minor - Albinoni

I would ask the funeral director to put something together if in doubt, they will have most of the usual things pre-prepared on mp3.

If it were me I would just choose something entirely instrumental rather than a song or hymn and request it was looped or a long version found. They will source whatever you want.

Do you have to have music?

Meditation from Thais by Massenet is beautiful and appropriate.

Eva Cassidy's version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow, or Louis Armstrong's What a Wonderful World.

Oh I love that piece! Totally gorgeous.

Could you ask someone she was close to for advice? I don’t think my family would know what I like but my best friend probably would?

I agree. What a sad thread

I had to organise a funeral service last year held in a crematorium. I was amazed to find the funeral director gave me a weblink to a company (Obitus) that provide recorded music for services. You simply went through and selected what you wanted from the huge selection for whatever crematorium you were using. It also means they use EXACTLY the version you like! Lots of options for searching by different criteria too. Maybe your funeral director can help with this as I think you can only use it through them. I’ve attached a summary of what we used. All beautiful pieces that I think would suit. Perhaps a little generic but I think maybe that would be right up your street.

Whatever the circumstances of your relationship, sorting funerals out is a hard task to undertake. Mine was for my mother at the height of one of the lockdowns. Only a very few people there and no wake. I’m not sure I did a great job as all I really wanted was everyone else to bugger off and leave me with my own private grief. But we put our best foot forward and try to do the best we can for those managing their sorrow in whatever form that is expressed. I wish you all the best xx

Definitely a recognisable classical piece. I recommend Chopin's Tristesse, Etude Op 10. Not too tragic, but slightly minor, and probably recognisable to most with a good stormy middle section.

Please not Pachebel's Canon in D major - that is a most beautiful wedding song!

Just had MIL's funeral and chose music from her era as no one knew what she liked!

But to make the point of how much you detest this person and ask for recommendations of music in that vein is awful really and quite attention-seeking, sorry. Just hand over to somebody who does this routinely. No drama and no further headspace required from you.

Are we reading the same thread? Nowhere has OP said that she detests her MIL or anything else inappropriate. She hasn’t asked for music appropriate for someone she detests or anything like it (tasteful, sober and respectful were her words). She’s explained discreetly why arranging the funeral is difficult but is clearly trying to do her best for her MIL.