When you message someone about a play date- and get ignored

[theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity]

Hi there my DD appears happy at school and names several friends and has been invited to parties etc out of school however has never been invited to someone's house out of school (year 2)
So I did the old take the bull by the horns think and messaged someone she says she plays with. Radio silence. I feel very awkward now and my DD gets upset when other people play together out of school and she doesn't
Any advice please as this is new to me

I would have started by an after school one before meeting in holidays. As pp have said lots of people have plans, sorted childcare, family visits etc over summer

I had such an invite from a Mum which I declined because i didn't know enough about her. However, it did turn out that this Mum was a heroin addict and her house was a sh1t hole and I was right to decline.
Now, I'm not suggesting this is the case with you! But I am suggesting that this Mum may not know who you are. Rather than a play date at your house, why not suggest a play date all of you together, so she can suss out who you are.
You know that you're lovely, the other Mum doesn't.
I have only just let my DD go on first "play" dates by herself at 12.

A few days ago . It's been read. Just said hi hope you are okay x was wondering if x would like to meet up some time over the holidays. Take care

What on Earth in my OP suggests that? I'm not an absolute CF!

If it was to me I probably looked at it and thought I'd reply later after checking calendar, husband etc and forgot. I wouldn't have meant to be rude, and I'd feel bad. I'd be grateful to be reminded.

Been there!! I suggest picking someone else and then making a concrete suggestion like “would x like to come with us to the park on Friday, we could pop by and pick her up at x”

God op pull yourself up and just keep going ! Forget WhatsApp and go and say hello to the mums of your kids friends at the gate when you can.

It's not easy but I've really learnt over 10 years if primary parenting thst you have to put your own anxieties aside. This is for your daughter.

The mum may have read your message at a busy moment then forgotten.

You can't be this thin skinned. Also. Year 2...you need to get out there and ask more people. I'd be delighted if a mum asked either of my kids over...

I truly know how hard it is the whole playdste thing is emotional ! But you have to get brave

Your message is a nice one but I bet the mum just read it and because it wasn't a yes or no answer just forgot to reply.

I would wait a week then ask again with a more specific suggestion. The mum might have been working all summer and wasn't sure how to reply then just forgot.

Just assume the best and keep asking people. I would be a bit more specific too. Say ..oh my little x has been saying she would love to see your x ...when would be good to have her over I can pick up and collect if you are working

I find people don't respond if they aren't sure how logistics will work.

Nothing wrong with that message but it is too vague. No plan there. Which leaves other Mum to either reply What did you have in mind? Or for them to suggest local park etc This may be why you have had no reply as it isn't an invite as such.

First, I had a message today from a mum of a child in DS' year asking if DS was free on X date for a play date. I had to send a fairly grovelly response as I'd told DS, put it on the calendar, made plans to do something with DD whilst DS was at the play date but had completely failed to reply to the mum to say "yes".
Secondly, what on earth am I supposed to take your message to mean? Are you looking for childcare and hoping I will offer to take your DD off your hands for a few hours one day? Are you suggesting that our DD's, me & you meet up - and if so at yours, mine or somewhere like a park or soft play. Do you mean during a week day or at a weekend. If you're actually invited this other child over, send a message saying that you're doing that, suggest a few dates or something like "Wednesdays are my day off so would work best" and say that the mum is welcome to stay for a cuppa or something at drop off. Also ask about any allergies if you intend to feed the child (even if just a snack).

"Meet up" is totally different to 'Would Emily like to come round next Friday?"
You need to be far more specific as to what you're actually offering.

Hi there my DD appears happy at school and names several friends and has been invited to parties etc out of school however has never been invited to someone's house out of school (year 2)

Have you invited anyone back to your house in the 2 years since she’s been at school?

I agree with PPs. It's too vague. It's not making clear what you're proposing & mum probably intended replying later, when she'd time to think about what to say.

The message should be more like 'would Susan like to come to our house about 2 on Friday? I can drop her home at about 430' or whatever specific arrangements suit.

I'd still send another message of that kind now. You'll probably get a reply quickly.

‘Meet up’ is very open and I wouldn’t pick up that you actually wanted to to meet rather than it being specific like ‘would you like to go to X with us on X day?’ Or similar.
i think you just need to message a specific day/date idea or try another parent.

Just say, so would xxx like to come to the park/ swimming & ice cream with us on Thursday at 3pm? Happy to pick her up on our way.

Or what @EarringsandLipstick said be specific & don’t make the first time too long. Invite a couple of others too, if this one doesn’t work out. Often easier in term time as you can say would they like to come to supper & then say collect at 6pm ( or whatever)

It's often easier in term time because there's a natural rhythm to it (e.g. "Would X like to come over to play with DD after school next Tuesday? I could pick them both up from school if that would suit you.")

In the holidays it's more artificial but you still need to be specific (e.g. "The weather forecast for Thursday seems good; DD and I were thinking of going to the playground at Suchandsuch park mid-morning and wondered whether X would like to come too? You'd be very welcome to join us or we could pick her up on the way.").

They may have forgotten about your message. They may not have received it. One of their DC could have been playing with their phone when the message came through and read it so it is no longer showing as an unread message. They may be waiting for a work rota or something to see if they can make it. They may be rude and just not have bothered replying yet. They could be going through a very stressful time in their lives at the moment and not thinking about messages or playdates. It could be anything. It is unlikely to be because they don't like you or your child. Don't take it personally.

Dc3 has just finished yr2. We’ve had a couple of play dates so far in the holidays. BUT. Only because he’s dc3. I think covid put paid to the normal intro to play dates in reception / yr 1, so if your dd is dc1, please don’t give yourself a hard time. Home schooling stopped the usual chatter of which children they play with most etc. there hasn’t been so many class parties etc.
I've noticed the difference because dc1&2 are 13&15. So many parties for them in reception, met all the parents, worked out who the dc got on with, which parents you got on with etc. Heard all the updates on the walk home from school, who they played with that day.
with dc3, I’d got to know a couple of mums he got on with already before covid, so we’d had a couple of play dates. So it made it easier to continue during lockdown, when restrictions eased. I’m not so sure the friendships will continue long term, because I’m already starting to see such differences in personality as they get that little bit older.
so please don’t worry too much. Yes, it would have been normal to have had play dates by now. But covid stopped normal. And this is the age where play dates start to be about who the children are really getting on with, rather than who parents pick to be friends with their dc because they like the parents.

This ^

Your message doesn't say what you are asking.
If someone asked if one of my dc wanted to go and play at their house on X day, I could answer yes or no. You message as I am on MN too much could mean all sorts of things from an actual invitation for my child to go round and play, to some sort of family outing together, which I definitely wouldn't want.

Agree it's better to be specific and extend an invitation. eg Would Katy like to come and play at our house one afternoon next week. We are flexible on day" or, conversely "would you and Katy like to join us at the park one afternoon next week?"

Then I would know what you're offering and be able to say "yes, how about Wednesday" or "sorry- cant do next week, what about the following one?" or "sorry- I work and she's at a childminder so I can't meet during the week" if it was clear that you expected me to come too.

With your message I would park it as I'm not sure quite what you're offering but I definitely wouldn't interpret it as a invitation to your house without me. Then while I was overthinking how to respond I'd probably forget about it.

I wouldn't get offended. The person you asked might have other children and playdates invitations can be overwhelming. I've sent very vague replies to requests for playdates because I'm working some days and its hard enough to keep my own kids occupied without having other kids here.

I also DREAD the playdate's parents coming into the house and staying for hours. About a year ago, one of my children had a playdate and I ended up entertaining her mother for hours until it was time to go and even then I had to be pretty blunt about it being time to go. It has resulted in me being non committal to other people. This applies to 'playdates in the park'. I really do not want to spend hours making conversation with parents.

However, as this thread has shown, people are different and may just have red lines about their DC going on playdates (I honestly think that's quite rare in RL though). Even then, offering a very specific plan gives them a chance to counter offer with something they're comfortable with.

I think you’re way too vague. I feel like messages like that out the onus on me to sort it out and sometimes I’m just too busy/keep meaning to reply but it’s just too much effort to dig out the calendar and come up with an activity.

Would x like to come round one afternoon next week? Thursday or Friday best for us but could make another day work! Happy to drop off around dinner time. Or whatever, but way more specific.

You’ve put the onus on the other mum to basically come up plan - where, when, for how long, etc.

Which will be why you haven’t had an immediate reply - she’s tossed it into the ‘too hard’ basket, to come back to later.

Agree with PP - next time you message someone, you need to actually do the thinking and propose something.