Everyone scaring me about single parenthood, is this accurate?

[Orttu]

I won’t ever sleep, won’t cope, will have no social life, will feel totally trapped, will be bored, will be lonely, I won’t have time to even stop for a drink let alone food… I’m so depressed.

Ive organised a night nanny for two weeks from the fear and also a cleaner once a week and laundry service once a week. I feel like this horrendous task is coming and all joy has just gone. I never felt like this before. It honestly feels like everyone is waiting for me to collapse and not manage.

I'm assuming baby is not born yet? New parenthood is a massive shock no matter what the circumstances but if you have night nannies, cleaners and laundry services you're obviously ok financially which is at least one issue sorted. What sort of support do you have from parents etc? It is hard to adjust but you will find a rhythm and your own ways of having a social life etc, just don't expect it to look like your pre-baby one. What involvement does the father have? Maintenance?

@ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat just maintenance, he isn’t involved at all. And I don’t know what maintenance will be as he won’t discuss. Have to wait and see.

Parents are inconsistent but nearby. Can’t rely on them

I'm much happier as a single parent than I was in a shit relationship.

Yes it's hard. Yes it's relentless.
But it isn't that bad.

It’s a thousand times better than having a child and a manchild to care for. There’s negative sides but there’s positive sides to doing it all yourself too. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Use any offers of support you receive. Enjoy your time with your new baby.

I was a single parent for several years from babyhood. There were tough, lonely times but also joyous, lovely ones too. My dd and I have an incredible bond and she has grown up to be a smart, confident young woman. I would recommend it any day over being in a shit relationship.

I found it easier than being in a relationship. One less person to think of.
Yes there were rough nights, yes there were lonely times, times being too tired to cook once baby in bed. It wasnt all plain sailing, money was tight for me, rare help. But overall it was fine.
Take each day as it comes.

I am now married with 2 more dcs and lifes much more stressful lol

Just feel so depressed about it! Ex was a decent guy but utterly miserable about being a parent and it was horrendous to be around.

I’m sure having a supportive partner makes it much easier but you’ll be fine, many many woman do it alone including those with multiple children. It’s hard but not horrendous, you’ll love your child which will bring you joy and manage everything because you have to. I’m sure the laundry service, night nanny etc will be a great help but as you get into a routine you may find you don’t need them anymore. You’ll make friends at baby and toddler groups so have friends that can relate with being a parent and there’s no reason you can’t remain friends with your current friends. There might be moment of feeling bored, lonely etc but that won’t be constant. Could it be the fact you’re feeling depressed is making you question everything? You will be okay! You’ve got this!

I've done it by myself from six months pregnant with no maintenance, no cleaner, no family, and it's hard but it's not impossible. It's better now she's 3 and I'm back at work, and when she started nursery at 2 it was much easier then as well.
I wouldn't want to be in a relationship now actually because I've got used to things all being my way!!

maintenance is easy - open a case with the CMS and let them deal with it from start to finish.

Yes, it will be hard. New babies don't come with instructions, they are awake when you want to sleep, sleep when you want to go out and sometimes it feels like you are permanently feeding. BUT somehow most people muddle through.

It will be harder without someone to look after your baby when you want to sleep / shower etc but MN is full of people who have done this alone. Usually preferable to having a useless father making things work.

It looks like you've already started planning. Think about getting some meals in the freezer and snacks etc for the first week or so. You can do online orders after that.

After a few weeks you will be more confident and might fancy some baby groups or classes. Your midwife should help there. I found it great to talk to others also learning the ropes. (Gave me the impetus to shower and get dressed too.).

You will be able to get into some sort of routine and will be fine.

What really wears you down is not the tiredness , the sleepless nights and the relentlessness, what wears you down is always being the one.

The one who makes all the decisions, the one who does all the grim stuff, the one who never gets a lie in, the one who is always at the end of the phone, the one who is responsible , the one who has the responsibility for cleaning, for cooking, for shopping, for working, for bill paying, the one whose job is remembering everything,the one who does all the playing, all the reading, all the bathtimes, all the bed times, all the toy picking up, all the interminable favourite video watching, all the park trips in November, all the school stuff, the one who answers all the questions, the one who does all the worrying.

Its ok to say oh you are the one who gets to have all the joy, that’s true, but sometimes it would be nice to share the joy, and share the grunt work of parenting too.

Can you not put dc in nursery twice a week if it’s that horrendous and you need some time? Ie over maternity?

I actually found being a single parent easier but I had previously been with a partner who left me to do everything and just added to my work load and stress, removing him was like a weight being lifted!

Do what you need to do to keep sane. It may be having a childminder take baby out for a walk while you have a latte. The little things will help. Just on the night nurse. I think it is good to have help, but also to keep the bond with baby, if you are breast feeding for example. It would be great to have someone change the nappy though. The Chinese tradition of a specialist helper staying for a month and feeding the mother and doing chores, sounds amazing.

There is so much negativity about babies and how they will "ruin your life" that I was very surprised by how hard I fell in love with my first baby. I could stare at her for hours and she seemed to feel the same way about me! 😄

Single parent to two. One with additional needs. It’s all about organisation and what is hard for some, may be easy for you. Many of my friends wouldn’t cope with my situation along with the housework, trying to move house, arrange appointments and school tasks but for me it’s part of my daily routine and I’ve built a steady routine that makes it all easier for me. I’m up at 5 (morning person) and I set the washing machine off and do a quick clean (the same routine when dd was born too as she was the youngest) , get everyone ready and out of the house by 8am/ 9am if it’s school holidays. The only convenience I have is that I occasionally do online shopping as I’m in the countryside so travelling around isn’t always an option with ds’s needs. I’ve never had a cleaner, I do the ironing on a night or first thing on a morning. The key is to do it when baby sleeps, also sleep yourself during the day with baby if you are tired. You will be surprised what you can manage. If you do struggle then get a cleaner but don’t put yourself down first with worry. You have got this! Enjoy being pregnant because you will miss those first kicks and don’t let anyone suck the joy away from this amazing time. Those first time mum moments(well even second, third and forth) are just so special and you can get them back. Shop for the nursery and those little cute bits, have you joined some of mumsnets threads when your baby is due. I joined one when dd was due and it was a godsend during lockdown and so nice to have a lovely group going through the same as me, the same worries and even milestones. Sometimes it’s just nice to have that conversation outside of the friend group. Good luck and congratulations op!

If you can afford all that help, you’re in a good position.

I think being skint and a single parent makes it much harder.

It's much better than being in a bad relationship. I've got a good professional job so am able to afford help (cleaner, childcare) which is great. Yes, all my money goes on that. But that's what having kids is. When DC is older - if you're still single - there are great opportunities for single parent holidays at every price point. Good luck OP, you can do it.

Its like everything in life if you can throw some money at the issue it will not resolve everything but will help. It sounds like you are paying for as much help with practical stuff as possible.

Set up an online shopping list for one click food shopping deliveries as well.

I have known a few single parents, our children are now late teens to mid twenties. The emotional burden was hard for all of of them sometimes but the one I knew that was well off compared to the rest had a life that was much easier.

Anyone who is saying these things to you, tell them to shut up or get lost. You need people around you who will provide support, not drag you down.

You will cope.

I'm not a single parent but have a young baby so can offer advice from that side of things.

First of all, in the first couple of months prioritise sleep above everything else. As long as the house isn't an actual hygiene hazard and you and baby have clean clothes, just leave it. Don't cook anything that takes longer than 10 minutes to chuck together. If baby falls asleep at 7pm, then you go to bed at 7pm. Everything will seem better if you have a bit of sleep.

Next, accept help from anyone who offers it and don't pretend everything is fine if it isn't. Also if noone offers then ask. There's no shame in admitting that you need help. It doesn't mean you're a bad mum if someone looks after baby for a couple of hours so you can get a shower/nap.

Baby will be FINE left in their crib for a few minutes, even if they're crying. You don't need to leap to get there within 30 seconds of them making a noise. I've just had my second baby and sometimes she just has to wait while I'm sorting out the first. She's fine.

If you decide to breastfeed, then great. If you decide to formula feed, buy a perfect prep machine. Changed my life!

This

@Orttu you seem to be in a pretty secure financial position - most single parents cannot afford the luxury of putting the child in a nursery when they are not working just for a break - have you actually looked at how much it costs?
You can't outsource everything, (though the night nannies will help for the first two weeks and give you a chance to recover from birth) - in the end, it is down to you to respond whenever baby needs you and that IS hard, but there are some great practical suggestions here about organising feeds, naps etc. Personally I found a routine helpful so I knew roughly what the day would look like and I could plan things - no point arranging to meet for a coffee if baby naps randomly, but if you know they'll roughly sleep 9-10 and 1-3 or whatever, you can work around that. (though beware they often sneakily change the routine every few weeks just when you think you have it sussed!)

I have no comparison as I've only ever been a single parent. Went back full time when DD was three months old (overseas so little maternity leave). No ex involvement in any way and no family out there. I did have a cleaner but the massive thing was brilliant childcare, 8am to 6pm all year round. Then at 2.5 they all go to nursery, and there were lovely holiday clubs.

I came back to the UK when DD was six and found that infinitely harder - there seemed to be an assumption that a parent would just be "around". Holiday care much less varied too, and the hours more restrictive so not all children did it and DD hated it.

But looking back, the early years were fine. Just took organisation. She's now 24.

If you can afford it and are willing to sort out the feeding situation, then yes you can. Most parents, whether or not single, couldn't afford that. If you can, it will make a huge difference.