Can someone be too good/nice?

[EhatBow]

A man has recently joined our running club.

He joined us after meeting someone of our members at an event.He did them a favour and they got chatting. The rest, as they say, is history. He's very quickly been an absolutely integral core part of the group.

He's a proper deprived background working class middle aged man. Has some awful stories about his childhood and early adulthood. Seems like one of those rough round the edges with a heart of gold types.

He does things like always first to offer to buy the teas, buys birthday presents for members' young children, always remembers to ask about what you chatted about last time, first to give up his seat or to help at events.

All really lovely, there's just "something....."

Yep. I used to be 'too nice and would put others before myself. I got taken advantage of all the time. Luckily, I've learnt to toughen up.

! "I know someone generous, thoughtful, kind and helpful: what the fuck is wrong with them?"

He's probably learned what matters in life. Which is Being kind generous and connected to others and not being a judgemental selfish shit

Um...I don't consider it "spreading nastiness" to be sure that no one shares my phone number.

I agree that no one should be sharing that info. Sadly I have had two leisure clubs and one manager at work do it, so now I ensure that no one does before joining. If someone raised my suspicions, I would give a polite reminder to anyone in the group who might have had my info from me.

if someone said it about me, I wouldn't mind at all. People do have the right to feel uneasy around someone.

Do people even use numbers now? If he wanted to contact me and he has a couple of times (and I have him) we'd do it through the club FB page/messenger.

No one I know would give out a number without checking and the club is very hot on GDPR

OP
glad your club is hot on it

I don't know what the norm is for clubs.

Anyway, bottom line is a do like him (as a friend/human being, I'm not in the market for anything else) and everyone else seems to as well. I probably have quite a soft spot for him because of the way he's overcome adversity, but I'm also aware that his behaviour is unusual and wonder if I should be seeing/feeling more red flags than I am.

For example, I gave him a lift to a race a few weeks ago, with two others. We had a lovely day and a very long lunch after the race. Now, if it was just the two of us going, I'd probably offer again, whereas before I only offered him the 4th space in the car iyswim.

I agree. I don’t think you can be too kind or empathetic, so long as it is sincere/from the heart.

With some people, however, it’s a pose/an act, and it’s done to get what they want. I have definitely met people who seem too good to be true - and they often are. Always, always trust your gut. That is something life has taught me. If something feels ‘off’, it usually is.

I am always very uncomfortable with people who try to move to the 'good' friend stage very quickly. I like to form acquaintances and over time see more of the people that I like and then become the sort of friends that you can share personal stuff with, so it's a long process for me.

The best case scenario with this guy is that he just wants to be liked, perhaps compulsively so. I often find people like that will over-react if they feel rejected in any way, so it's best to stay distantly friendly, small talk only, as if you let yourself get sucked in it will be hard to back off from them in the future. The worst case is that he's practising some sort of manipulation or grooming, and again the thing to do is be distantly friendly and prepared to have boundaries that you won't let him cross.

Yes, I understand this, feel the same way, but I don't think he's targeted any one person to become best friends. He's like this with everyone.

Sometimes I even worry for him. E.g. I know the work he's doing must be low paid, but he's always first to buy the teas or even food. Most people are careful to reciprocate, but not everyone does.

I think @Petronus is right.

He is way over-compensating because of his past and he really wants to fit and be a part of something so positive and good and he wants people to like him and accept him.

Sad really because he's obviously not at ease and comfortable in his own skin (yet).

@EhatBow I'm sure you're not the only one in the group to have noticed it, because this sort of behaviour is way OTT/unnatural.

People in early recovery from addiction are often like this. He may be “on a pink cloud.”

Exactly what I was thinking.

Sometimes people who try a little bit too hard make me uncomfortable, basically because I know that I won’t be as kind and generous in return and that makes me feel mean and guilty, and as if I need to compensate for not being as nice as them, and then I feel manipulated. It’s like they’ve thrown the relationship out of balance and made it unequal, and that’s always an uncomfortable feeling. Could that be what you’re feeling, OP?

Pink cloud doesn't last for 6+ months though I don't think?

I think you’ve already explained it. He’s rough with a troubled past so he overcompensates for his “defect” by being really nice. He probably feels happy that he’s overcome his past.

some of the worse men were some of the best people when it came to others. Charming, helpful, Kind and lovely so that they were never suspected.

He's been clean for 4 years, is that still early?

Bang on.

I agree with this too. I know a couple of people who have turned their lives around and become amazing, kind people who just want to be liked and start over.

Yes living free from addiction makes sense.

I know a similar guy. He doesn't necessarily ingratiate himself to new groups, but is incredibly helpful and willing. He's the first to jump up and volunteer or help out where needed. For example his town was snowed in and he went round to all his neighbours and elderly clients (he's a gardener) and brought them bread and milk etc. he didn't have a car so did all this on foot.
If you need anything he's the guy you are going to call.
He is also great with kids, and he has babysat for me.
His childhood was bad too - in and out of foster care, beaten by his grandparents, left school without qualifications.
It's partly because he did have a terrible childhood that he is like this. No one was kind to him, so he makes sure he is kind to others. He also wants to be liked - no one cared much when he was a kid, so he probably overcompensates.
Nothing sinister about it. I've known him for over ten years.
Maybe this guy is just (over)trying to make friends?

Has he done anything in particular to indicate alls not what it seems?

Sometimes people are overly nice to get what they want, but I tend to find that mask slips quite quickly as those sort of people don't like to go out their own way too much and like to control the narrative

I agree with @Petronus it sounds like he's trying maybe a bit too hard to make friends and be liked, and perhaps because of his past feels he needs to overcompensate. Perhaps hes lonely and has thrown himself into this club

I wouldn't treat him with less suspicion than most because he seemed nice, but I wouldn't see it as a red flag either unless there's anything else

Not at all, as I said, on this occasion my "gut" says all is well, it's my rational brain that's saying it's unusual.

Yes I was also thinking of a friend who is like this

Some part of you is telling you to be wary, so respect that.

It’s possible there is something wrong, or it’s possible that he hasn’t really learned the rules of social interaction given his unstable past, so he’s getting it a bit wrong, or he’s determined to get into the group because he thinks a running club that meets 3 times a week with people he can make friends with is brilliant for accountability and staying clean (it is).

The people saying that it’s odd to want to make friends so quickly are right.. except the reason for that is obvious - he doesn’t have a solid social base.

I think that respecting your instinct but giving him the benefit of the doubt is right.