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Original poster

Can someone be too good/nice?

75 replies

EhatBow · 30/07/2022 11:40

A man has recently joined our running club.

He joined us after meeting someone of our members at an event.He did them a favour and they got chatting. The rest, as they say, is history. He's very quickly been an absolutely integral core part of the group.

He's a proper deprived background working class middle aged man. Has some awful stories about his childhood and early adulthood. Seems like one of those rough round the edges with a heart of gold types.

He does things like always first to offer to buy the teas, buys birthday presents for members' young children, always remembers to ask about what you chatted about last time, first to give up his seat or to help at events.

All really lovely, there's just "something....."

OP posts:
mackthepony · 30/07/2022 12:45

And he's immediately told you all about his awful childhood? Red flag, right there

Original poster
EhatBow · 30/07/2022 12:46

CornishTiger · 30/07/2022 12:43

I remember a female joining a sports group once and an older female said to me. Where is her past friends and family. She’s so keen for new friends and it makes you wonder. As it was she probably was just wanting a fresh start and has married one of the men since and had a family. Still friends with alot of the group.

However I’ve remembered those words and noticed it in other situations. Sometimes they’ve been spot on. Trust your instincts , keep an eye on things and be on guard about motives but don’t let them totally override your ability to be open.

Interesting, he definitely has a past. He was in trouble a lot as a young man and had addiction issues, so he has deliberately withdrawn from that life and those people.

OP posts:
Crocsandshocks · 30/07/2022 12:46

But he's a willing babysitter and "eligible" single man

Single men generally don't want to babysit. Keep a close eye on him. Sounds like hes come on too fast too soon. He may have an agenda.

Original poster
EhatBow · 30/07/2022 12:47

mackthepony · 30/07/2022 12:45

And he's immediately told you all about his awful childhood? Red flag, right there

Yes, I agree to a point, but I've seen him three times a week for about 6 months, so not that weird

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 30/07/2022 12:47

I can see how someone can do that quickly

but the buying gifts etc seems terribly OTT

like the kind of person who will invent a financial crisis, borrow or be given lots of money, then disappear.

mass murder didn't occur to me 😂

Crocsandshocks · 30/07/2022 12:48

Also the best predictions of future behaviour is past behaviour.

NuffSaidSam · 30/07/2022 12:48

Thelnebriati · 30/07/2022 12:31

What do the gut-trusters advise the OP actually do?

To paraphrase Gavin de Becker; Don't assume niceness is an innate quality; it isn't. Its a choice.
Its also a choice made by people who want you to lower your guard.

But how does that translate to action?

Should she drive him from the running club?

Tell others not to trust him?

Keep quiet, but keep a distance?

Give him a chance, but not get too close?

What does it actually mean to 'trust your gut' when you have a 'feeling' but there is absolutely no evidence to support that feeling?

Swannning · 30/07/2022 12:48

I have a friend like this. She is genuinely lovely. Nothing is too much trouble. She is always volunteering for stuff, will randomly pop round to drop off flowers / cakes etc if she hears someone is going through a tough time. She will text / call after if you mention that you had to go to the GP / talk to school etc to check if you are ok or she can help. I do not know how she has the time or energy

Thelnebriati · 30/07/2022 12:49

three times a week for about 6 months is another red flag right there.

nottalot · 30/07/2022 12:50

See I hear this and think of one of my friends with ADHD. Always active and on the go. Overshares about his life, makes friends very quickly, gets deeply obsessed with new things.

In his case I've known him donkeys years and I think he is a genuinely kind and thoughtful person (perhaps because he was so broken by much of his earlier life).

EmmaH2022 · 30/07/2022 12:50

"But how does that translate to action?"

I am protective of my phone number and address, so for example in a case like this, I would tell the others "I don't trust this guy, don't give him that info".

and definitely keep a distance. If you have DC, don't accept gifts for them.

Original poster
EhatBow · 30/07/2022 12:50

Thelnebriati · 30/07/2022 12:49

three times a week for about 6 months is another red flag right there.

Why? Three club sessions a week. I see lots of people three times a week.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 30/07/2022 12:59

Could be highly suspicious. Could be the poor bastard wants a new start and is genuinely just trying to rebuild his life.

BUT of course trust your instincts and keep your boundaries strong. Discuss with other friends in the group privately. Don’t let his super accommodating behaviour push at your boundaries, and of course protect your kids.

RozaPoza · 30/07/2022 13:00

I have met people who seemed fishy and I was right about them and have met people who were fine but I just didn't like them so never trusted them.
Do you have someone you could talk to about this who knows the bloke? Because you said he babysits but then it sounds like you are all in a group, the mum or dad pops to the toilet leaves a pram or a toddler in public, with him watching the child surrounded by people. I can see how it could be building trust bit by bit for more babysitting but it's also borderline assuming all men are pedos.

He could be just keen to make healthy connections and have a network of friends away from his old life or could be something sinister.. it's too nuanced and hard to say based on your biased descriptions so ask someone who knows you both that you can trust not to say anything to him or bite your head off.

Original poster
EhatBow · 30/07/2022 13:01

EmmaH2022 · 30/07/2022 12:50

"But how does that translate to action?"

I am protective of my phone number and address, so for example in a case like this, I would tell the others "I don't trust this guy, don't give him that info".

and definitely keep a distance. If you have DC, don't accept gifts for them.

I'm not going to start spreading nastiness about someone who as PP says has had a rough life and is making an effort.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 30/07/2022 13:01

EmmaH2022 · 30/07/2022 12:50

"But how does that translate to action?"

I am protective of my phone number and address, so for example in a case like this, I would tell the others "I don't trust this guy, don't give him that info".

and definitely keep a distance. If you have DC, don't accept gifts for them.

But isn't bad mouthing him/warning others away on the basis that you've 'got a feeling' problematic?

How would you feel if you were on the receiving end of that? If someone had a 'feeling' about you and was warning others not to trust you/get close to you, wouldn't that be quite hurtful?

Thelnebriati · 30/07/2022 13:03

Why is anyone in the club handing out private info! If someone wants your number they should only be able to get if from you.

yougotthelook · 30/07/2022 13:05

mackthepony · 30/07/2022 12:45

And he's immediately told you all about his awful childhood? Red flag, right there

Wow!
He's a bit rough and had a terrible childhood so he's a "wrong un"?
OP you sound like an incredible snob and very judgemental.
Are you sure you aren't a teeny bit jealous of this man and how easily he's settled into the group?
I feel sorry for him that you are talking like this about him behind his back...for being nice!
Good god take a look at yourself!

Original poster
EhatBow · 30/07/2022 13:08

Actually my "gut" is probably that he's OK. It's the rational part of my brain that's telling me this is unusual.

OP posts:
Original poster
EhatBow · 30/07/2022 13:09

Thelnebriati · 30/07/2022 13:03

Why is anyone in the club handing out private info! If someone wants your number they should only be able to get if from you.

No one is. Where did you get that from?

OP posts:
Treely · 30/07/2022 13:10

Thelnebriati · 30/07/2022 12:49

three times a week for about 6 months is another red flag right there.

What's a red flag about him going to a running club 3 times a week Confused

WombaMaPonga · 30/07/2022 13:11

How exactly does the OP sound like a snob @yougotthelook ?

Original poster
EhatBow · 30/07/2022 13:11

yougotthelook · 30/07/2022 13:05

Wow!
He's a bit rough and had a terrible childhood so he's a "wrong un"?
OP you sound like an incredible snob and very judgemental.
Are you sure you aren't a teeny bit jealous of this man and how easily he's settled into the group?
I feel sorry for him that you are talking like this about him behind his back...for being nice!
Good god take a look at yourself!

Show quote history

That quote isn't from me and I've said there may well be some prejudice in my response to him, which is why I'm thinking about it.

Most of the responses here take a harder line than mine, which is really only that there's something unusual about it all.

OP posts:
Petronus · 30/07/2022 13:11

Okay, I’m going to throw in what I think, which is just a theory and may be completely wrong. I’m guessing his troubled life isn’t that far in the past and he is doing his best to move past it, this means he’s going through a time of change, is not completely stable and is overcompensating - what you are picking up on is a bit of the desperation and instability. He’s been an addict in the past and running is his new addiction hence the intensity. He’s trying to break from the past which is why he is so focused on this and doesn’t have much else going on, because he’s not carrying forward friends and family from his previous life.

WombaMaPonga · 30/07/2022 13:13

that would make sense @Petronus