Swearing and insulting each other - not normal, right?

[clementyne]

'D'P has a temper on him. When he's angry at me, which is often, he shouts and swears at me. Calls me a cunt, fucking moron, lazy, incompetent, fucking idiot, evil bitch, devil, 'typical fucking woman'. Runs around the house screaming "What the fuck is wrong with her??"

I hate this, and have calmly confront him every time. Ok, sometimes not calmly! But I never or extremely rarely use this language back. He repleid that it's just langauge and does not matter. He says: this is just how people talk. You are prissy, stuck up, sheltered and middle class, which is why you don't see that this is normal talk. He's of the opinion that the words he chooses are not offensive and I am being sensitive. It's not normal, right?

To an extent he's right, my family are middle class, his are working class. But they do not speak like this, and would be horrified! I don't think it's a class issue. We've been together 10 years and this behaviour is recent. I also use langauge like this, but never in anger directed at him. I might say when telling a story "I looked a right cunt standing there" or whatever, and I say 'fuck' a lot. My friends and I sometimes say cunt affectionately to one another. But I do not swear in anger the way he does.

I just want to know - is this normal? Am I prissy? Do you do this to your DP, does your DP do it to you?

No. It’s abuse.

No it’s not how normal people talk, maybe he can talk like that with his workmates, not wanted at home, I might use the occasional swear word but not directed at anyone else, no one ever swears at me either.
Being working class is no excuse for bad language.

My husband wouldn’t dream or even dare for that matter of speaking to me like this!!!

we rarely swear anyway and using the C word regularly is just unnecessary

I hope you have no children in your house

whybis your bar so low? I’d not let anyone say those things to me let alone my nearest and dearest

tell your do from me that he is a C U N T of the highest order

Why the fuck have you wasted 10 years with someone who doesn't like you? He just does not like you.

Yes we have children. In fact, he didn't used to talk to me like this before the children. In fairness he doesn't do it in front of them.

I don't know, it's just sort of happened. When I met him he was not like this. He would have a few outbursts like this, and would then apologise. With time they have gotten more frequent and more intense, and now he will no longer apologise, but seems to think it's actually fine after all?

In fairness he doesn't do it in front of them.

So he can control it then and chooses to call you these names, which is abusive. I say that because I swear like a sailor in general conversation and have to really check myself if around children (no nieces or nephews or friends with children) that 'fuck' doesn't slip out if i'm in public!

Thanks all - I suspected this was abusive, he will go mad when I suggest this!

He sounds absolutely awful; a pitiful excuse for a man, husband and father. You don't have to put up with this. It's abusive behaviour.

It's not the the swear words that are the issue. You should not be called lazy, incompetent, evil, a typical woman, an idiot, a moron or anything else by your partner. PPs are right, he does not respect you. Runs around the house screaming? What is wrong with him, not you.

It's not a class thing at, leave and find someone decent who likes you.

You don't need to suggest it, you just need to know it.
Of course he tells you it's normal, he would, wouldn't he?
He will continue to do this while you put up with it. It's really disrespectful and misogynistic.
Your choices are : a) you put up with it and keep quiet in order to minimise or
b) you tell him you are not prepared to be spoken to like that and if he does it again your relationship will be over - you need to mean it though.
Just to be clearing, general sweary conversation is one thing, hurling insults at you is something quite different.

I think you are all right. I do not think that he likes me very much. I guess I feel stuck. I'm not sure what would even happen if I walked out, with the DC, with the house and so on. Neither of us can afford the standard of living we now have alone.
He will say it's not abuse because he's only driven to this because of me - but the things he loses it over a minimal! the last ones have been spilling a drink, using the wrong pot to cook something, having the windows closed on a hot day when he wasn't even at home, not explaining a story I was telling clearly enough. He often says things like "If you want to keep me happy, just don't do... [trivial thing]"
But this has given me the perspective to sit down and explain that it is unacceptable. If he keeps insisting that it is, we have reached an incompatibility I guess, and have no choice but to go different ways.

That is absolutely horrendous and not even in the same postcode as normal healthy behaviour.
DH and I both swear like troopers and both jokingly call each other all sorts but never ever in anger like this.

No this is absolutely not normal. I have never been spoken to like this in any relationship and DH has never even raised his voice. This is not incompatibility, he is a vile bad tempered bully who is abusing you. Please try to find a way of splitting. It must be absolutely awful to live this way and it's setting a dreadful example to the children.

"If you want to keep me happy, just don't do... [trivial thing]"

So do exactly as I say and everything will be just rosy.

The trouble with this though is abusers like this often move the goalposts, so if you have two pans in front of you, you'll spend ages desperately trying to remember which is the 'right' one to use so he doesn't yell at you. Inevitably he'll walk in and tell you it was the wrong one and kick off.

At some point you realise that in a parallel universe where you picked the other one, he still would have said it was wrong.

Your husband is a bully and abuser. Social class has nothing to do with it. I wouldn't dream of speaking to anyone like that. You and your children deserve better.

This is not normal. Him making it into a class thing when it's not is a way of making you put up with it out of embarrassment (he thinks you won't want to be accused of not understanding / minimising his viewpoint).

You can’t afford the standard of living, but can you afford to support yourself and the kids?

Actually the better question is if you can afford to squander your life on someone who treats you like this? What about your children’s childhood?

OP, I once read an interview with a man in prison for murdering a woman. He literally said that he wouldn't have done it if she hadn't done xyz. This kind of abuser is incapable of taking responsibility for his actions. It always has to be the victim's fault. Appalling.

Your family is middle-class, his family are working-class..............what the hell has that got to do with anything? Shouting and calling you those names is nothing to do with him being working class. It's to do with him not being able to control his anger.

He's an arsehole, no matter what "class" he is

Thank you all, this has been so helpful. I feel that I cannot talk to anyone in real life about this. As far as everyone is concerned, we have a normal relationship.

I'm not actually sure if I can support children and I. We don't own our house, we just rent, were saving for a deposit. Children love their father and he is good to them. I guess I will have to find a way though. I think I will give him one final chance to turn things around, at least for the sake of the children. And if it doesn't change, I realise now that this is not normal behaviour I need to put up with.

Have you confronted him about the fact that if it is so “normal” why he didn’t speak like this to you for the majority of your relationship until now?

I would say he doesn’t respect you and respect is not negotiable in a healthy relationship.

@TalkingToMyselfAgain Yes I think so too! I'm not even sure why he thinks it makes a difference. No one we know of any class speaks like this, as far as I can tell. But he was so sure, that it was normal and it's just me and my weird class-based sensibilities that don't get it, that I really started doubting it.

Absolutely not normal.

What do his bosses or colleagues, indeed his friends say when he calls them "cunts, fucking morons, lazy, incompetent, fucking idiots, evil bitches, devils, 'typical fucking woman/man"

Or when he runs around the office/site/pub screaming "What the fuck is wrong with them"?

@Wishyfishy I haven't actually, that's a good idea. I suspect he will just tell me to go away / fuck off which is what happens wherever I try to reason through an argument. If I bring it up later or the next day I'm accused of picking a fight.

@Fluffymule Ha! You're right, of course he doesn't. He has done this to his mum sometimes and she usually just leaves. Then after a few days he will take the DC round and we all try to hobble on as normal. I get lots of sympathetic "we know what he's like" from his family but they don't actually really know, not the extent of it. They think he has anxiety issues or something.