Swearing and insulting each other - not normal, right?

[clementyne]

'D'P has a temper on him. When he's angry at me, which is often, he shouts and swears at me. Calls me a cunt, fucking moron, lazy, incompetent, fucking idiot, evil bitch, devil, 'typical fucking woman'. Runs around the house screaming "What the fuck is wrong with her??"

I hate this, and have calmly confront him every time. Ok, sometimes not calmly! But I never or extremely rarely use this language back. He repleid that it's just langauge and does not matter. He says: this is just how people talk. You are prissy, stuck up, sheltered and middle class, which is why you don't see that this is normal talk. He's of the opinion that the words he chooses are not offensive and I am being sensitive. It's not normal, right?

To an extent he's right, my family are middle class, his are working class. But they do not speak like this, and would be horrified! I don't think it's a class issue. We've been together 10 years and this behaviour is recent. I also use langauge like this, but never in anger directed at him. I might say when telling a story "I looked a right cunt standing there" or whatever, and I say 'fuck' a lot. My friends and I sometimes say cunt affectionately to one another. But I do not swear in anger the way he does.

I just want to know - is this normal? Am I prissy? Do you do this to your DP, does your DP do it to you?

Not normal. He is abusive.

Dh and I are both working class and would never speak to each other like that.

He doesn't do it in front of the kids which shows he can control it.

Do you have a daughter , what advice would you give her if this was happening to her? How would you react if you knew your som was acting like this?

Get your ducks in a row, financially, legal advice, (half hour free with a solicitor. Ring around some and ask about this) look at renting on yr own. Quietly go about this business without telling him. Build up your information portfolio.
Knowledge is power.

Bide your time & next time he kicks off, and crucially you’ve got yourself prepared with info and advice, kick him into touch. Move into the spare room/couch and move out with the kids as soon as you can.

His insults are unintelligent and unfair. His language is totally out of order. The “C” word is abhorrent & ugly.

You do not have to live with this.

1. It's abuse and you should treat it as such, very seriously. Why on earth do you want to share your life with such a vile person, regardless of what the reasons for his behaviour are?
2. It's not a question of class, it's lack of class. I know plenty of very lower-working class people who would never behave like this or tolerate such behaviour towards them.

How would he react if you spoke to him like that? I'd be tempted to try it and if he goes nuts say, 'So it's not ok then... Leave quietly now or I'll get the police to remove you.'

And try and see the renting a an advantage. There is no complicated house sale with property that may or may not sell easily, no chain that could fall through, no suggestion of one of you buying each other out.

Since you say it's recent, did you try to find out why? Why is he suddenly verbally abusive to you? I think those action are reflection of fear/anger/whatever that is eating him up inside, though it doesn't excuse him for doing it. It's not normal, and it's recent, and you say his family don't do it either. Maybe he needs some help.

Have a watch of this video, name calling is abuse. And yes, he may get away with it with his Mother who leaves, but he will never do it to a work colleague or his boss. He can therefore control it, he chooses not to with you.

Oh yes, of course he tells you that it's your fault. That is absolutely typical behaviour from an abuser. Nothing could possibly be their fault, they say they are angry because you made them angry.

Look up DARVO.

Maybe he needs some help? Oh, sure. How come it is only his DP and his mother who suffer this tirade of abuse?

How come he can control his temper and not verbally abuse the children, or his boss or colleagues, or random strangers in the filling station, or people down the pub?

Because he can control his anger when he wants to, that's why. He is deliberately abusing adult women who can't fight back. He clearly gets a kick out of doing it.

Not normal at all. Doesn't sound like he even likes or respects you at all. I wouldn't speak to my worst enemy the way he speaks to you.

Thanks all. And for the practical advice - I think it feels frightening because I feel that I do not have much choice. So hopefully some research will give me options. If it weren't for the children I think it would be easy, but sorting it so that they come out of it ok is the top priority.

@orbitalcrisis He would be happy I think, like it justifies the way that he speaks to me. I try to always remember that a reaction is what he wants, and it is a victory to him if I react, but a few times I have slipped up and sworn or insulted back (this is now outing levels of detial, but he blocked my phone number so that we couldn't communicate over DC pick up, and I swore at him) and he really revels in it, starts going on about double standards.

He has an anger problem sounds like. Does he drink to excess.

No, often has one drink after work but very rarely more.

So what he does is fine, but if you do it back you're in the wrong as it's you being hypocritical rather than you accepting that he was right. Fair enough, sounds like he's admitting he's wrong then! Why did he used to apologise if it's perfectly acceptable behaviour?

Is this really how you want to live? He's not going to change, he does the same this mother. He is a nasty, abusive little man who has a massive inferiority complex about his background compared to yours. Tell him to leave, you've thought about it and he's right, you're too classy for him.

It's definitely abuse. As is telling you your over reacting. I would guess he's alway had this side and it's just got worse over time a combination of stress of having kids/responsibilities and a sense of entitlement now your the mother of his children. He probably thinks you won't leave therefore he can do as he likes. Personally I think you need to tell him straight (not during a row) that it stops or you and the children leave. If it doesn't stop then you know it's this (and possibly worse) or leave.

Yes I think that's it. There were signs of it before but minimal. Things that now looking back I can see. It's a mixture of stress of pandemic and children, and I guess he knows on some level I would simply have left before.