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Original poster

Dh and ds age 8 had a big row today

64 replies

LovelyYellowLabrador · 28/07/2022 16:20

So dh had a voucher for a free milkshake with a main meal for a certain place

ds wanted to go to McDonald’s
but sigh convinced him to go to this other place saying it’s nicer
etc
was a food court so could ahev got both easily

anyway ds asked for a popcorn flavour shake
dh ignored him and ordered choc

so then ds got ina strop
dh bollocked him for being ina. Strop
so then ds was crying while we were all tryig to eat…
then almost being sick

now everyone’s fed up
I wasn’t there at time of ordering as I was helping dd with underwear shopping ….

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 28/07/2022 16:59

Your DH was mean and should apologise. But I think crying to the point of hyperventilating is excessive based on that one incident but is your DH’s behaviour quite commonplace?

Original poster
LovelyYellowLabrador · 28/07/2022 17:01

IM’s and dd joined them after dh had ordered
otherwise I would a have corrected the order

i was helping dd with underwear
so we arrived 5 mins later

When me and dd arrived ds was ina strop as dh had ordered a chocolate one

I asked dh why didn’t you just get him a. Popcorn one and dh replies well I didn’t think it was that much of a big deal …..

OP posts:
Holly60 · 28/07/2022 17:01

How much time do your DH and DS spend together just the two of them? It sounds like your DH doesn't know your DS very well. Not knowing that his favourite is popcorn flavour/not knowing that he wouldn't want chocolate. Not knowing that when he says something he means it, even if he isn't forceful about it. Not knowing how he was likely to react to not being given the right one.

Some kids might not be bothered- his IS. It's the sort of thing that a very involved parent would know automatically

Maybe he needs to spend some time getting to know him as a person.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

8 year olds
Original poster
LovelyYellowLabrador · 28/07/2022 17:04

I wouldn’t say he was hyperventilating but he was crying while trying to eat and that was making he feel like he was going to be sick

yes I don’t think they spend loads of time together

OP posts:
RosyappleA · 28/07/2022 17:04

Poor son. What a bully. Like someone said how on earth is this teaching him to speak up if he's being bullied like this? DH needs to speak to him and explain he is sorry and was just having a bad day or something as DS must hate him. Thats if he wants a relationship with his future adult son. If DH doesn’t talk to him it won’t heal

Original poster
LovelyYellowLabrador · 28/07/2022 17:05

It’s not sitting right with me the whole I’ll try n listen more but you need to speak up more part

he should have not said that and just siad a straight up apology

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyYellowLabrador · 28/07/2022 17:06

I’m going to have to speak to dh about it again

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 28/07/2022 17:06

I think your DH needs to learn a lesson here - that your son’s opinion matters.

There are many hills to die on as a parent, but ruining a treat for your child is not one of them

Original poster
LovelyYellowLabrador · 28/07/2022 17:06

And tell him to apologise properly

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyYellowLabrador · 28/07/2022 17:07

Yeah the ridiculous thing is this was ment to be a treat

im
not happy about the way dh doesn’t like it when I tell him I think he’s wrong

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 28/07/2022 17:07

OP, you need to have a sit down and talk calmly to your DH. Shouting or talking about it in the heat of the moment in public, don’t sink it.

I’d have the same as you.
DH needs to speak to DS, apologise to him and work on a way forward together. They’ve to sort it out between the two of them. You can talk to each of them separately too and find out what they both need to help them foster a good relationship.

Can they go for a walk together, etc?
Can DH take him out to the get the popcorn milkshake ( 🤢) after they’ve both calmed down, had a chat and decided on a way forward?

Original poster
LovelyYellowLabrador · 28/07/2022 17:07

We are actually home now

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyYellowLabrador · 28/07/2022 17:09

Don’t sink it?

OP posts:
TotallyWipedout · 28/07/2022 17:11

StaticRatic · 28/07/2022 16:40

Your DH is NOT teaching your DS to speak up.

He is a bully and is setting your DS up to fail whatever he does. Your DS asks for what he wants and needs? He learns that DH will ignore that. Then will blame him.

This.

OP, you did right to stick up for your son. He needs to know that at least one of his parents isn't a bullying idiot.

I need to consider what to do long term

my
concern is also if we both had custody
dh would probably be much worse with then. Then when he has them

Unfortunately this is why I stayed with my XH for so long - until the children were old enough to have some say about whom they wanted to see, and when. I couldn't risk them being on their own with him. There were too many of those kinds of situations which always ended up with one child in particular being massively upset. The only way to minimise that was to minimise the amount of time they spent with him without me there to step in before it got to that stage. It's bloody hard, though, as you end up spending your whole time trying to predict what's going to happen, and sometimes you don't manage to predict it, then you beat yourself up because you have an unhappy child and an angry husband.

KatherineJaneway · 28/07/2022 17:23

LovelyYellowLabrador · 28/07/2022 16:46

Dh only
defence is
he didn’t think he was that bothered about having a popcorn flavoured one …..

so he over ruled him
and ordered chocolate

That's total rubbish. Your dh thought ds should have a chocolate one so overrode the order. Nothing to do with ds not being bothered, it's about dh asserting his authority.

Ohthatsexciting · 28/07/2022 17:25

Op

Who told you this version of events ie DH “bollocked” DS?

Pixiedust1234 · 28/07/2022 17:37

Why ask somebody want they want (and is achievable) and then do something else? That is abusive and cruel and just plain nasty. Your poor son 😢

Original poster
LovelyYellowLabrador · 28/07/2022 17:40

Op

Who told you this version of events ie DH “bollocked” DS? Oh I saw that part

dh telling him to stop being in a strop about it

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 28/07/2022 17:46

Hmmm I have sometimes overruled ds when he was that age when buying food and drink. Does your ds not like chocolate milkshake? Was he crying and refusing to drink it because he hates chocolate flavour? Or because he didn’t get his first choice? It does sound like a bit of an over reaction.

bruce43mydog · 28/07/2022 17:50

He needs to apologise to you Son and make sure it never happens again.
I could understand if there was no popcorn flavour milkshake. But that wasent the case. He just blatently ignored your Son request. Your 8 year old reaction was totally normal. Your Son needs to be listened too and given what he wants, especially when its ment to be a treat.

TitaniasAss · 28/07/2022 17:56

How was this a treat?

'Let's go for a treat DS but you'll get what I want to give you, not what you would actually like'. What a dick.

Govesdancingpartner · 28/07/2022 18:05

You husband is nasty and dismissed your sons request why? Because he is bloody spiteful. Yes he needs to apologise to your son. Op give your son lots of cuddles tonight

Outlyingtrout · 28/07/2022 18:20

Have you actually sat him down and told him that you are considering the future of your marriage and that one of the things that stands in the way of you simply walking out the door is that you feel his children need to be protected from his bullying and that you can’t trust him to parent them alone? I mean, you’ve said all of the above in your posts. Does he know? Maybe he needs a reality check.

sleepyhoglet · 28/07/2022 18:43

Arrrrrrrrrgh · 28/07/2022 16:32

so then ds was crying while we were all tryig to eat… this is so lacking in empathy ot makes me sad.

The OP doesn't have lack of empathy! That's a fact of what was happening. You are reading a tone into it. Of course she cares, that's why she is posting. Her DH is out of line.

Clymene · 28/07/2022 18:50

Your husband is an arsehole. What kind of shithead deliberately gets someone something they didn't want and then gets angry when they don't want it?

Is he your kid's dad?

I'm guessing this isn't the first time he's behaved like an absolute thundercunt either.