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Original poster

Looking after elderly parents

36 replies

1146vb · 28/07/2022 14:48

I wonder if MNutters have any wise words or experience. DH's parent i.e. my in-laws have become frail, one is bedbound and the other now has quite debilitating issues. It seems to have become a lot worse recently and SIL lives with them but is clearly struggling handling a full time job and looking after both of them. MIL has carers coming four times a day but both are refusing to entertain the idea of going into a home.

For the last few weeks - his mum had a bad fall and has deteriorated pretty badly - DH has been going over to theirs for two nights a week to give his sis a break. But he also has a full time job, it takes 1.5hr each way and we have two under five. Sadly, it looks like this might carry on for a while, am assuming years rather than months.

Really feeling like the sandwich generation - DH is exhausted, SIL tries to carry on and manage but it's so hard for her. Not sure if anyone has any experience of managing such a set up. Or any tips on best way forward.

OP posts:
user1471446478 · 28/07/2022 16:06

Sounds very difficult for you, your dh and sil. You definitely need to access as much support as possible for your pils. Are their GP and District Nurse helping? There are lots of practical things you can access for them such as home aids/adaptations. Are your pils claiming Attendance Allowance? Can you get some carer support? Other things to consider are legal mathers such as wills and POA's and making sure your pils give consent for the GP to talk to your dh/sil. There is a huge amount of knowledgeable people on the Elderly Parents forum too who will be able to advise and support you. www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents.

Chamomileteaplease · 28/07/2022 16:15

Personally I feel it is so selfish of elderly relations to "refuse to go into a home" but rely on others to exhaust themselves looking after them.

I hope you get some help from the link the PP suggested. I would suggest a serious talk with your husband and SIL where you maybe decide to tell PIL that this siutation is not sustainable and that it is in fact time to look for a care home.

gogohmm · 28/07/2022 16:23

Do they have capacity? If not then their children can make the decision.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Care homes Dementia & alzheimer's
FlibbertyGiblets · 28/07/2022 16:25

DH and his sister need to agree first of all.

If they agree: tell the GP, and adult services (whoever organises the 4 daily home visits) that family cannot support the couple any longer from 1st August (or another random date that is very close) and that they will be stepping away. The responsibility to keep the two safe will no longer rest with the adult children and they are advising the authorities of this. Then they just step back. A crisis will likely occur. This cannot be helped. The parents then will be forced into accepting that the help they require must come from other than family.

Stay strong. I know this sounds harsh. Those who haven't experienced stubborn, elderly, frail relatives refusing to help in the task of keeping themselves safe will not understand. Those of us who have, do.

gingergato · 28/07/2022 16:28

Chamomileteaplease · 28/07/2022 16:15

Personally I feel it is so selfish of elderly relations to "refuse to go into a home" but rely on others to exhaust themselves looking after them.

I hope you get some help from the link the PP suggested. I would suggest a serious talk with your husband and SIL where you maybe decide to tell PIL that this siutation is not sustainable and that it is in fact time to look for a care home.

I agree.

KangarooKenny · 28/07/2022 16:31

Your DH and SIL need to pull out and allow the parents to ‘fail’, the SS will assist in them going in a home.
As long as you continue to provide care, SS will leave you to it.

MrsMoastyToasty · 28/07/2022 16:33

Have you tried getting them to go in to a home "just for a short while why DSIS has a break " ?

Original poster
1146vb · 28/07/2022 16:35

Thank you everyone. Will check out the links. At the moment - I dont feel that either of them have capacity. But neither DH nor SIL have the power of attorney because previously the parents did want to do it but now one of them has quite advanced Parkinson's and the other has had a breakdown so effectively I am not sure they'd be able to grant it anyway. Money is not an issue, seemingly they havent spent anything in years so at least until we need to fork out 2k per week for a care home, it should be fine.

I just feel very sorry for both DH and SIL. Things haven't been good for a while but SIL has tried to carry on but honestly their needs are totally different and it's like two against one. They are both still only in their 70s so this could carry on for a while. But neither want to go into care., SIL feels guilty but also is just struggling looking after them, managing their health issues and working. No idea how you convince old people they really cant manage - which they cant but I guess until they lose their power to decide on things, they get to rule the roost. I mean neither of them have left the house this year except for medical stuff, so it's not like they are in any way capable

OP posts:
SoyMarina · 28/07/2022 16:36

This is too much for your DH and his sister and it will only get worse.
My siblings and I had to insist my Dad go into a Nursing Home. He resisted saying it was our duty to look after him but I kept repeating that it was our duty to ensure he was looked after properly and, in his case, professionally.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 28/07/2022 16:37

You might want to ask Mumsnet to move this to the elderly parents group, lots of experience and advice there

ultraviolet4753 · 28/07/2022 16:37

Would they go for sheltered accommodation?

There's no guarantee they would be able to go into the same home if going via SS, as have different needs. Couples sometimes split up from what I've seen, so just make sure they can go together first.

cptartapp · 28/07/2022 16:37

Chamomileteaplease · 28/07/2022 16:15

Personally I feel it is so selfish of elderly relations to "refuse to go into a home" but rely on others to exhaust themselves looking after them.

I hope you get some help from the link the PP suggested. I would suggest a serious talk with your husband and SIL where you maybe decide to tell PIL that this siutation is not sustainable and that it is in fact time to look for a care home.

This.
Surely they have scrimped and saved all their lives for a rainy day? Well now it's raining and time to buy in care as needed. This is exactly what any money is for. Surely they wouldn't let their busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own run round after them and put their lives on hold indefinitely? They wouldn't want that for their DC in the prime of their lives would they? They'd really let them do that?!

My DM ended up on antidepressants and BP medication doing similar for my GM. It damaged their relationship and sadly, we all thought a lot less of her for putting my DM through it.

Time to step away, difficult as it is. Only when a crisis develops will things change.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 28/07/2022 16:38

What would happen if sil moved out?

user1471446478 · 28/07/2022 16:38

Personally I feel it is so selfish of elderly relations to "refuse to go into a home" but rely on others to exhaust themselves looking after them.
I think it is usually more complicated than just selfishness, it is often the fear of the unknown and the fear of losing autonomy. My mum was very clear that she wasn't going to be put 'in a home' and passed away at home as she wished. But, it required a huge amount of support from outside agencies and a lot of stress for those who had to keep the plates spinning.
In the OP's pils situation it appears that they live with an adult daughter so there may have been an expectation of being supported at home in their old age. Unfortunately, things don't always work out that way and the situation is now tense and exhausting for their children who are clearly trying to do their best for their parents.

user1471446478 · 28/07/2022 16:41

Oh and hats off your dh for stepping up. Many siblings -in my experience (brothers) are happy to be 'sympathetic' from a safe distance and not provide any practical help.

Mandatorymongoose · 28/07/2022 16:43

Would they look at paid live in care? If they don't want to move into a home then maybe this would be an option. As they would self fund they could arrange this privately. However, if they lack capacity then to access funds to pay for it you might need to look at deputyship through court of protection.

Original poster
1146vb · 28/07/2022 16:46

I sort of thing that it's selfish of them as well. Initially sil didnt move out because her uni and then job was in the same city as the parents so she stayed with them. And then things got worse and worse and now she feels like she cant move out. FIL did most of the looking after after MIL but has effectively had a breakdown and is now a wreck and is done. He is totally incoherent, too scared of leaving the house etc etc. SIL has now stepped in but cant manage. I've offered for her to move in with us but she says that she cant leave them. They say little by now but look terrified when the subject comes up.

OP posts:
Original poster
1146vb · 28/07/2022 16:49

@user1471446478 oh yes, I think DH did sort of stay out of it for years as his dad and sister struggled on. But now that neither of their parents is managing and his sister is struggling, he is being more involved.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 28/07/2022 16:55

What tasks have to be done for them?

24 hour care might be the best option.

user1471446478 · 28/07/2022 16:56

If they are already having 4x carers daily, a live-in wouldn't be hugely more and would give your sil the reassurance that they were safe. But, depending on their needs they may need a hybrid of both to cover safe practice as some activities require two handlers (eg using a hoist etc). If they have the funds it would still be probably cheaper than a care home (an a lot less stress trying to persuade them to move).

Original poster
1146vb · 28/07/2022 17:03

In terms of tasks, MIL is now fully bedbound so for her it's everything. For FIL, he is essentially a wreck and cant do anything anymore. Thus there is no one to do the house stuff i.e. cooking, shopping, cleaning, personal care, anything to do with finances etc. Their house is a mess, no idea whether anyone would be happy to live in it as a live in carer.

OP posts:
canellini · 28/07/2022 17:17

Try more at home care as another option- hire your own from agencies. If there's a spare room, live in is about £1-£1500 a week.

EmmaH2022 · 28/07/2022 17:44

1146vb · 28/07/2022 17:03

In terms of tasks, MIL is now fully bedbound so for her it's everything. For FIL, he is essentially a wreck and cant do anything anymore. Thus there is no one to do the house stuff i.e. cooking, shopping, cleaning, personal care, anything to do with finances etc. Their house is a mess, no idea whether anyone would be happy to live in it as a live in carer.

Depending on the financial situation, could they get a cleaner?

your DH and SIL can't carry on like this. How is she managing to live there if the house is such a state? Is she doing a lot of cooking? They need to start on ready meals etc.

Original poster
1146vb · 28/07/2022 17:57

Its in a state because PIL refuse anyone from the outside to come in. Carers only started happening because FIL himself landed in hospital and* *sil was able to allow them to come in for MIL. They are hoarders i.e. refuse to throw anything out. They don't trust outsiders so wont allow sil from getting any outside help. Hence DH is trying to help. They havent even see our kids or myself in years.

OP posts:
averylongtimeago · 28/07/2022 18:05

This is not sustainable for either your sil or in-laws.
My mil had Parkinson's- it's awful and one of the side effects (so we were told) is that the person can become very stubborn. I stayed with her for a whille after a fall, but obviously I couldn't stay forever as our home and business was nearly two hours away.

Eventually she had carers going in 4 times a day, the district nurse several times a week. The Salvation Army picked her up every week to go to their lunch club.
We went every weekend for several years- cleaning, shopping, cooking, gardening, if we wanted any free time it had to be"booked" with other relatives who were not always best pleased or reliable.

Your in laws need more help- social services will need really pushing, are there any local charities who could help?
Ideally they would consent to move to a home- are there any nice ones locally they would go "for a holiday" to give your sil a break before she cracks up under the strain?

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