Looking after elderly parents

[1146vb]

I wonder if MNutters have any wise words or experience. DH's parent i.e. my in-laws have become frail, one is bedbound and the other now has quite debilitating issues. It seems to have become a lot worse recently and SIL lives with them but is clearly struggling handling a full time job and looking after both of them. MIL has carers coming four times a day but both are refusing to entertain the idea of going into a home.

For the last few weeks - his mum had a bad fall and has deteriorated pretty badly - DH has been going over to theirs for two nights a week to give his sis a break. But he also has a full time job, it takes 1.5hr each way and we have two under five. Sadly, it looks like this might carry on for a while, am assuming years rather than months.

Really feeling like the sandwich generation - DH is exhausted, SIL tries to carry on and manage but it's so hard for her. Not sure if anyone has any experience of managing such a set up. Or any tips on best way forward.

I've just read your last post: you are going to have to be firm. Sometimes you have to say it like it is: even if they don't like what you say.
It's so hard, I do feel for you all.

Have DH and SIL been honest and said "you are ruining our lives and it can't continue"?

I'm sorry, this is awful.

I know when the time arrives my mother with guilt me into looking after her as her mother did to her and so on before. I'm expecting it and am happy to do it.

My MIL has recently started raving about other DIL's in the family, they are wonderful because they look after their PIL's. She has realised that her health is getting worse and is laying the foundations for me caring for her. 30 years to late. MIL has treated me like S**T and gone out of her way to be rude at every opportunity and now she's panicking, she did nothing for her parents or IL's, so I will feel no guilt when she is left sitting in her own shit. That felt good to type.

When my DF died my DM came to live with us but no way I could cope looking after her. I never thought I could or would ask her to move into a home, but I had to - it was completely unsustainable. Now she has moved there is actually likes it better than living here (more people around and they do the laundry better and the food is better apparently!) I think your DH and his Sis need to say they cannot cope and make arrangements - because it will honestly shatter them and their relationships trying to keep that up. You DH should start looking for suitable places and what could happen with the financials to facilitate it.

Agree. I have to assist my dad (nowhere near to this extent) and even that gets me down at times.

They really need to be honest and tell the parents this cannot continue (maybe your DH needs to tell them firmly that they are running their daughter into the ground). They don't get to decide they're refusing outside help when their daughter is being run ragged.

I think the problem is that SIL won't accept them going into a home because they don't want to. She might even be ok managing one of them but both seems unsustainable. Sorry am just feeling a bit helpless but also fed up that this has gone on for this long.

Who's name/s is the house in?

Where will SIL go if/when the house gets sold to pay for care?

I feel for you all. My DM lives with us. Our relationship is not close. She's doddery now but copes. I wonder what will happen when she becomes unable to do basic personal care for herself. I can't face doing it for years but it's what will be expected of me as she's already here iyswim? Awful to feel you're fighting against your parents.

The house is in their name i.e. SIL will be homeless which is another complication. It's like being outnumbered by old ill people who are totally incapable but also unwilling.

We should all have to sign something when we are in our 40s or 50s or something to say we shall not be a burden to our relatives when we get past the point of independent living! And then have to stick to it.

I don't want my kids wiping my arse when i'm old. But surely everyone feels that so why do so many end up expecting their DCs to struggle on?

Sorry to rant OP. It's your thread x

Hi OP, would respite care be an option?
It would give your DH and SIL a break and then a way forward. Your PIL's need professional help not just with family. It really can't carry on like this for any longer. Not fair on everyone and especially when you have very young children.

I am a carer and have been for a long time and I have been my MIL's carer since she was diagnosed with mix dementia two years ago. (I still work 1 day a week with my company as i love my work). My FIL died a long time ago and when we moved, she moved with us in the bungalow next door. We talked about it and decided it would be best if I looked after her. My work is amazing so the day i work my MIL goes to the social hub for the elderly. She is a very easy lady and thankfully her dementia isn't at the stage where she goes wandering out on her own, danger to herself. We keep her in her home otherwise, she would definitely be in a home. She is just very forgetful at the moment.
I do all the cleaning, personnel care. (She forgets to wash), cooking, appointments with doctors/hospitals, everyday things with house/life in general.
My DH does, the gardening, DIY, anything with bills, etc. We have 3 DC's but they are older. My youngest will be 11 next week.
The only thing I would say, is if things got so bad then it would be sad but we would have to make the decision to put my MIL in a home as I life would become stressful. We haven't any other family to help but it is good that you are all trying to help with the situation. It is so difficult as when one family member pulls again you like your FIL is doing it does impact on the situation. I hope you get the help that is needed with your IL's.

Been there got the tshirt, its frustrating as the other half because you can totally see whats going on but dont have the power to change it ...... when MIL was ill, she insisted on staying at home until she died, DH and SIL split the nights and carers came in 4 times a day, but she'd then phone DH for help inbetween visits ...... both DH and SIL were exhausted, I happened to be at MIL when district nurse visited, MIL was saying every thing was fine, I got really angry and told her the truth, district nurse had no idea family were providing so much care, she arranged Marie Curie nurses to do a couple of overnights to give a bit of a break...... anyway until your SIL & DH either say no or have a breakdown nothing will change