Mum burnout

[Lcw29]

I'm so exhausted. I feel like I can't get through one week on my own with my boys. They are 4 and 2. I feel I'm constantly snapping and akways angry. The TV is on because I just want them to leave me alone. I'm irritable and feel guilty all the time. I feel lonely and I'm fed up of doing kid stuff.

Yesterday my 4 year old really pushed my buttons and I could have screamed. Nothing was making him behave. I nearly lost it. I found myself sitting on the stairs on the verge of tears.

I don't know what to do. I have ME so my energy is limited as it is. They wake up early so I'm basically doing 13 hr days. My patience is thin. How do I not lose it? I just want to disappear. I want a break from being a mum.

I love them don't get me wrong but I feel broken

Do you have a DH/DP to help ?
Do you get any time off in the week from them ?
Do you take them out somewhere every day, even if only to the library ?

Good Morning Op. It sounds tough. I remember those ages & it was rough. Do you have any support? Husband? Family? To help take the load off of you some times?

Does your 2 year old nap still? If so, I'd suggest taking a nap yourself for 10mins every few hours with 4 year old in your lap (watching TV) it really saved me when my children were that young. Big hugs.

I'm feeling exactly the same way with my 4yo and 16mo. It's chaos in the house at the moment and the days are neverending.

Do you have a partner that will take over when they finish work?

I haven't really got any advice as I'm struggling myself but what I have had to implement with the older one is that whenever I'm having a cup of tea she leaves me alone. It's only a few minutes but it helps.
Do you have a garden you can throw them both into?

I live in remote countryside and I don't drive, it's tough going and I've found the garden to be a saviour.

I'm so fed up of playing kids stuff etc aswell, I'm trying to encourage independent play in the older one but it's bombing so far .

Sorry for the lame attempts at advice, I'm with you in solidarity. Xx

I know this feeling well. I’m a single parent to 3 primary/preschool age DCs and I feel like I’m just existing most of the time.
The times that they do go to their dad’s, I work evenings/disgustingly late nights to try and ease the financial pinch we are all feeling right now. There’s no time for me to take a minute and breathe.
I don’t have any advice, but just know you’re not alone in feeling this way, and it doesn’t make you a bad mum or anything like that. It just makes you a human being.

Thank you. My husband has been quite busy with work. He gets home at 6 or7 by which time I'm getting the boys to bed. I don't really get a break tbh. I'm always the one to plan and organise as hubby just doesn't think that way. Love him to bits but sometimes feel if it was left to him nothing would get done.
My mum helps when she can but I always feel guilty as she's in her mid 60's . I don't really have anyone else I can rely on.

I don't go out alot I must admit. I've lost my confidence a bit over the last few years. Also when i take them out my oldest is very difficult. He runs off and doesn't listen. I dread taking him out. But I know I need to make an effort.

Husband needs to learn to plan and organise too and do his share.

@Bonnie90x thanks 😊 it is very hard isn't it? My 4 year old possibly has adhd do on a waiting list for that. He doesn't leave me alone.
We do have a garden which has been great! But again my oldest wants me there constantly. Yet my 2 year old happily plays in the mud haha

@Ringmaster27 that must be tough. I don't know how you manage work as well! I think that's amazing tbh . I think all us parents work very hard. It's not easy

Definitely get out of the house OP. It's hard, I'm single with 2 dc now aged 5 and 7. I struggle with days at home . Can you go to the park? For a walk? Print if a nature trail/scavenger hunt type thing if you can to see if they can spot certain things along the way. Do you have a garden? Get outside, it really helps. Activities too, colouring, sticking, painting, baking. Sometimes it feels like the prep and clearing up is not the worth it but I feel it is to get them interested and doing something with them helps them too. Indoor hude abd seel,or in the garden. I kniw you orobably feel like you dont gave the energy for this, start small

I try to schedule time where I'm doing stuff with them and time when I'm not .

They wake up early so I'm basically doing 13 hr days. Thirteen hour days are normal with young children - they maybe wake at 6am and sleep at about 7pm? This is actually fairly good.

If you have ME then your general tiredness is presumably important to how you feel - how much sleep are you getting, what time do you go to bed etc.?

I would try not to focus too much on 'if the children were different I would feel better' but rather on 'what can I do in this situation to help myself feel better?'

I completely get the exhausted/frazzled/burnt out feeling - I think the focus needs to be on your needs.

Could your Dh change his work hours so he is home earlier? So either goes in earlier and leaves earlier or does a couple of days of longer hours if he needs to be there to cover a particular time to then enable him to be home much earlier on other days? He could put in a request as he has children.

Having someone there to tag team with does make it feel a million times better. Do either of them attend a nursery? Is Ds1 at school? Could you use a holiday club for a day or two just to get a full break?

Do you get any time on the weekend? Don't see weekends as family time, it is also a time for your Dh to build a great relationship with his children. He could take them out for breakfast and then to the park etc. Give you a much needed rest.

You need a break in the day or at least some days.

Could your mother do quiet afternoons with them drawing etc while you have a couple of hours rest?

I’m a single mum and I found playgroups and soft play to be an absolute lifeline when mine were this age. My oldest has bags of energy too and it was always really tough if we didn’t go somewhere he could burn it off during the day.
They are much older now and he goes out independently but even now, nothing is more wearing than a day at home. He climbs the walls.

It does get easier as they get older. Your eldest will be in school soon which will make a difference. Be kind on yourself and try to make time for your own needs - easier said than done, I know. DH needs to step up a bit, I think. Even if that’s for you to do something like a yoga class one evening a week, just to get some headspace of your own.

@Lcw29 in all honesty, sometimes dealing with drunken idiots at work is preferable to refereeing the endless fighting and bickering between DCs 1&2 🙃
Theres only 16 months between them, and they would fight over oxygen. It’s incessant, and begins from the very second they wake up in the morning.
DC3 is the polar opposite - I barely know she’s there most of the time because she’s so chilled. But that in itself makes me feel awful because she’s quite obviously learned that she has to wait, because I spend every waking moment dealing with DC 1&2’s fuckery 🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh poor you.
It sounds like you have maybe got into a negative loop of not going out because it is hard which then makes your eldest even harder?

Do you have a gated playground anywhere near you where he could go and you could stay by the gate? or meet with another parent so there are 2 of you to help each other out.

Would more structure help you all, plus a visual timetable? With time for outside activities, playing with you, 'quiet time' etc?

Is there a football camp or something the 4yo could go to to give you a break and him the chance to burn off energy?

It really is relentless isn't it and especially if you have ME. I feel the same. I think we just have to

1. crawl on, this season will pass
2. not be shy about asking for help especially in the short term. People can say no, but let's not be British about it. Ask your mum to help a bit more, neighbours, friends even if it's a play date. Pay for more childcare if that's at all possible.
3. lower standards in all areas, house appearance, food, parenting, expectations of child etc. Let things go rather than shout. Try to redress the balance by increasing the positive moments of connection if you can
4. try to do even tiny things that recharge your batteries. Or go for broke with a big thing - I know it sounds impossible but a night away on your own?? Visit an old friend? Could you ask your mum or DP to have them overnight?? Don't dismiss it see if you can make it work.

Hi op. I've mostly been on my own with my two boys and still have a 5 year old runner. My biggest advice is to go somewhere where you know he will come to no harm. Eg a farm park, soft play, a park, the woods. Bung him in a pushchair (I still put my potentially autistic 5 year old in the pushchair at times) until you get there and release him into the wild

Hi, I know this might sound ridiculous in the grand scale of things when you are feeling overwhelmed but I honestly find setting up activities and also rotating toys (I put them in the garage or upstairs out of sight) often really helps and normally I do this every fortnight. Or moving the room around as it helps them play better, they use this tactic in nurseries a lot. Also I know it can be a lot of effort at times but doing things like baking really helps when my DC is having a day of being difficult day, nothing fancy just something to reset them as such.

Thanks so much for everyone's advice abd support. It's definitely made me feel less alone. Yesterday was a better day. When my youngest napped I played snakes and ladders and ludo with my 4 year old. I took them to the library in the afternoon to pick out some books. I'm still exhausted but it was alot calmer. My mother in law is coming over today do I'll have some help.

I think the hardest thing for me is when the house is a mess. I find it hard to not worry about it.

I have a chronic illness and a 3 year old. It is tough when energy levels are at a zero! During the holidays, I send my LO to holiday club at his nursery once a week for the day. Just gives me chance to reset! Is there anything like that available to you?

Children are very tiring in their younger years.

It gets slowly a lot easier from 12. Hang on in there.

This all sounds really hard and you do sound totally burnt out- a feeling I’ve felt too. A couple of thoughts I’ve had:

1. could your husband hold the fort at the weekend and give you a Saturday off regularly? Especially whilst you’re going through this intense period- you could have a day to do what you need whether it’s sleep, see friends etc
2. having got a Labrador and children- there’s often not much difference- their both a pain if they haven’t been exercised! Would your ME allow you in the mornings to get out for a good walk or play at a park (or soft play if it’s a wet day). The added benefit for me when I do this is I’ve been outside/done a bit of exercise too which raises my tolerance levels. If you’ve got places to walk locally too it can help with the confidence as it’s usually pretty quiet so if your eldest is behaving in a way you don’t want him to there’s no one around to judge (which by the way even if people were around most won’t judge and the rest frankly shouldn’t- they’ll have all been there at some point either as a child or the parent)
3. have you got the funds to subscribe to something like The Play Lab by Imagination Tree? She gives lots of play ideas to help children become more independent players. Her ideas are fantastic and it’s not super expensive either.
4. a couple of resources/people I’ve found really helpful round these types of issues;
   • on Instagram- Anna Mathur, Dr Becky Good Inside, the MotherKind (Zoe Blaskey)- they all have podcasts too
   • books- The book you wish your parents had read by Phillipa Perry- she has some helpful stuff about why certain behaviours of our children can make us feel so cross

I remember feeling similar to this when my kids were that age. It really is relentless. I would often hide somewhere and cry.

It always felt like a massive effort to leave the house, but it did help to break the day up and get the kids to burn off a bit more energy. If you have a playground nearby that is fenced or gated, you can contain them.

Hi, sorry that my reply is a bit late. I am a single mum with a very active 8 year old, possibly with ADHD, I have ADD. I also have ME & can really sympathize with your struggles. It's so hard without much support as a parent anyway, but with ME it's really hard. I have learned a few tips that when I follow help me quite a bit. I have written lots of lists of activities for different days, for example what can I do with the kids when I'm having a really bad day, or a tired day or a brain fog day, not so bad day... so I don't have to think too much when I'm really stuck in the middle of it. Also, this might sound mad, but if I can get up before my boy & do a meditation it really helps, especially if I do it regularly, gives me a little space in my mind & I don't feel like I'm drowning so much. I search the web for any tips from other ME parents & write them on my lists for a bad day.
Having a big list of ideas up my sleeve to pull out on a bad day has been a life saver for me. Taking 30 mins in the evening, searching the internet & adding to a list. It doesn't take too long & you get some really great ideas.
Take care of yourself & if you feel it's getting too hard go talk to your doctor, lots of people with ME can suffer with depression because of the struggle it can be. I hope you are doing well xx

Yet another man furthering his career at the expense of his wife’s mental well-being.

Yes this in a nutshell!