Can you get pnd 14 years later?!

[Whoops1]

Hello, name changed for this as I feel so silly.
my dd 17 is suddenly out and about with someone a lot, call them x. who is a boy,’ tho I think they are a girl. Dd has been/ is going through the whole I’m a boy thing.
she’s been in sleepovers for the last 3 nights with x, though the other night she felt she needed to lie about being with x. I said don’t lie please, and I need to know where you are just in case.
Tonight She’s suddenly got me to sign something allowing her to go on some forest thing tomorrow. It seems her school guidance teacher has sent her to a counsellor service for the last 8 weeks or so and they are doing 3 days over 3 weeks of something in a forest.It’s all a bit vague, and she’s announced it now at 10.20 after being on sleepovers for the last 3 nights with x. She says she won’t know anyone there.
Anyway she’s now 17 and obviously can do what she likes..but I’m concerned, this day away has been sprung on me. I’m also concerned at some of the madness regarding trans stuff that’s going on atm. I’m also concerned that she’s quietly seeing a counsellor, I would much prefer it if we worked any issues out with a family therapist. I don’t know how to help her.
im also sad I guess. Her brother 13 is bored and missing her. Dh is always knackered. I’m suddenly free falling without a role. I don’t work, have been desperately looking for aeons though I seem to be unemployable. Dh always knocked whatever I did,as a job as not being good enough, said I didn’t need training or to volunteer which he now denies. but of course I’ve just got more and more lost and unemployable.
my mums got dementia and lives miles away. I’m just getting really down and lost. I got massively lost when I first had dd, there was no help and I got massive pnd. Feel like that again, as if someone’s ripped the rug away. The house is a tip as there seems to be always stuff I can’t cope with - like buying new blinds or sofas, painting a room. Endless cooking. I’ve felt anxious and depressed now, for 14 years, ever since dd was born. I’ve enjoyed having the children, but my main memories are of being overwhelmed and depressed. Im just totally lost again. I’m actually really frightened as it feels like I’ve been cast into a sea of misery, but it does actually feel like there is no bottom this time and I just don’t know how to get back to the shore.
sorry, just ..feels like everything’s falling apart and I don’t know how to deal.
Thanks for reading.

PND isn’t the only type of depression. And perhaps it was never properly treated and so you have been fighting depression all this time.

It sounds to me like you are currently depressed. I’d definitely seek help.

Thanks Discoverreads. Soooo nice to hear from a person!
The stupid thing is I had a counsellor last year who basically said get the kids and Dh to do more. Though reading that back she probably said a lot more! I’ll dig out my notes.I am a bit nervous, I have been miserable and oh so bored, but I haven’t felt so totally free fallingly lost in years.

I’m actually really frightened as it feels like I’ve been cast into a sea of misery,

This really struck a chord with me as I suffer from depression also. When I was depressed (but not so bad as to be suicidal), I remember telling a therapist I felt like I was in a life boat in the middle of the Pacific with no oars, no sail, nothing I could do but wait for wind and sea to push me back to land or swallow me up, and not really caring which happened to me.

So yes, if you are feeling that way too it is very frightening. You probably also have no energy and struggle to do the minimum. And I can tell you are full of worry for your DC while feeling pretty helpless at the same time.

Depression is a chronic illness in that it comes and it goes, and then it comes. Like a tide only on a scale of years or decades. So, it’s not your fault or your choice if you have depression.

Can you see your GP and perhaps get some CBT or a support group? Perhaps some medication?

Thank you for taking time to write again! I’m very sorry you felt that way. But you sum it up exactly, a boat in the pacific and no oars, yes! And that’s exactly how I feel for ds. Worried and totally helpless, especially as she is a bit innocent and swallows whatever junk she’s told whole.
I was fine on holiday, but I guess that’s the point of holidays! But Dh was smiley and we all enjoyed seeing somewhere new. Now in grey tatty house, living Groundhog Day and losing the will to keep trying.. again.

Now in grey tatty house, living Groundhog Day and losing the will to keep trying.. again.

This ^^ strikes such a chord with me. 🤣🤣 The endless, endless cooking, cleaning, washing, and never really having the house in the state you want it. Children constantly needing support in different forms and now an elderly parent who does too. Not to mention the “minor” issue of my career and a side business DH and I run together. It’s endless and often feels hopeless.

i think all we can do is plough on, OP, and trust that our 17- year -olds will be OK and our younger teens will mature and stop whining so much at sone point. 🤣. I’m away with my two this week visiting universities and they had a massive fight this evening.l about absolutely nothing!
DS then kicked DD, which is unacceptable and she’s v. upset. What fun times, not.

Oh my gosh, universities! I’m not ready for that! But you have a career, and a side hustle well done.
I think I lost all my confidence when had dd, moved house several times, came here, away from family. Not earning meant I never feel I can spend on the house. I’ve never had any help/ nights off from kids / dads to help wallpaper . I’m broke, exhausted, and Dh hates job ( always has, whatever job). There’s all sorts of stuff needs doing and I don’t know how to find/ hire someone who won’t charge the earth, or rip me off. I wake up every morning feeling grey, hopeless and doomed. I know it’s a mindset thing, but oh boy I’ve been trying to change it for 14 years and not getting anywhere.
its all a mess.

One step at a time, op

Firstly, you absolutely DO have a role. You are a much needed person in your family doing an amazing job. Don't put yourself down. When you have teens it can feel like they're slipping away and don't need you as much, but actually they need you more than ever. They need freedom to grow and mature but also the stability of a home where they know they'll be supported through their mistakes and failures.

Your dd is almost an adult now and as hard as it is you need to let go a bit. She's discovering who she is and who she wants to be with. She'll make mistakes and learn from them. Just be there when she needs you but apart from that try to disengage mentally a bit (easier said than done I know).

Sorry about your mum. That must be very hard. Is she in care or is it another worry on your mind that you may be needed?

Regarding your feelings of depression/anxiety, could you be in perimenopause? It certainly sounds like you have some of the MH symptoms that can go along with it. Definitely see your GP as soon as you can and get to the bottom of what going on with your health. If you can get that call made today, or do the online form if your GP has one, it'll be a step in the right direction.

Your surroundings are so important. You mention your messy house a lot. Grab a notebook and go from room to room making a list of what needs to be done, starting with decluttering. Tick off the list as you go and feel that sense of achievement. Generally once you start you find you don't want to stop and can burn out so make a plan, take it slowly and enjoy seeing the process take place.

Volunteering is an excellent place to start getting back into the job market. Even if you can only manage a few hours a week at first, it's a step in the right direction. As well as giving you some skills for your CV you'll get the social benefits, a boost in confidence and self esteem. Many colleges do courses for adults to help them get back into work or FE. Don't let your dh put you off. Your dc are growing up and this is the ideal time for you start thinking about YOUR future.

Playplayaway is so right about the home and the volunteering.

Your house needs to be your sanctuary and doesn't need a lot of money, just time, to make it nice. Make it your project, watch YouTube videos, and start by decluttering- it feels great!

I volunteer in a Foodbank and really enjoy it, the people I work with are from different worlds than me and we all get along great.

One trick I have found works when trying to sort out a home when not feeling that great or energetic is to start with just making one area lovely to be in, it is a little sanctuary then and somehow gives you the strength to start with everything else you have to do.
Also remember your house doesnt have to be perfect or done. It is fine to prioritise other things in life.

Thank you very much, everyone, your kind support means a lot.
Play play away thank you for a structured list! Something I can blindly follow is very helpful at the mo.
just had some crappy financial related news and my anxiety levels are now through the roof. Dh already stressed beyond belief I don’t know how he’ll cope with this. We have had some awful knocks and it feels like just as we get a bit better, something else wallops us. I am beginning to struggle with the point of it all, it’s so exhausting and there’s no rest. I need to change things for the better and I don’t know how. Will start with your advice.
maybe I’ll call the gp again. Last time a nurse said immediately did I want citalopram or sertraline. It seemed a bit, well, not thought about so I declined thinking I could handle it. Maybe I can’t will call again. I just have a massive hole of anxiety, I wish I could feel secure so I could move forward.

Hi,
I think you need and deserve to do some things for yourself, to find yourself again under the swamp of caring for others. I'm not saying this would cure depression (as PPs have said it sounds like depression and that needs to be treated, possibly with medication for a while until the symptoms are under control.) But it could help you start to put down roots in things which will make life more meaningful and purposeful for you.

One way I do this - and after years of depression I genuinely find this as effective as medication - is to do something new every day. Something I've never done before. Can be a small thing like trying a new flavour of coffee, walking down a new street, buying a different scent of bath gel etc - really tiny things. But I make a note in a journal of what I noticed about them, and gradually build up to doing bigger braver new things like voluntary work, part time or freelance paid work., signing up for a course, improving a skillset or qualification level. It's surprising how quickly it escalates in a positive way.

None of this helps the issue with your child, but it might help the issue with your anxiety over them. As they get older they do start to grow away from us. If you have a stronger base and sense of self, you'll cope better with that separation and you'll grow in confidence and be able to gently challenge the aspects of their life that you think could be cause for concern.

And as other PPs have said, when the home seems grey and shabby and just drains you, make a small corner of it into a sanctuary - a little altar to the kind of home you wish it was throughout - a chair with a throw and cushions in colours you like, a table with a lamp and flowers, a book you want to read, a mat for a favourite coffee mug - just a place to restore you. Then make small corners like that in the bathroom and bedroom too, and graduaoly let them take over the house.

Thank you goldfinchonthelawn.
that’s a good idea! And may help with the unrelenting boredom.
I do have a hobby that’s always been part of me. I stopped doing it, I think I m nervous of something.
Ill try the gp again.

Nothing to be ashamed of in taking the medication they offer. There’s a reason they’re the default options. Fair enough if you’re adamant they’re for you but they might just get you over the initial steps to feeling better and allow you to take some proactive steps rather than feeling adrift.

Hi OP. Is it ok if I share some things that help keep my depression at bay? It’s kind of a tick list for each day.

Walk (or run if that’s your thing) outside for 20 minutes at least, even if it rains. Helps clear your head and lift your mood.

Do something that scares you. This could be opening bills, applying for a job, making a certain phone call, clearing the mess on the kitchen table: whatever little thing you’ve been putting off. It gradually stops things hanging over your head.

Do something to be proud of. It can be as “small” as you want: clean a room (or a corner), run or cycle further than normal, help a friend or neighbour, strip wallpaper from one wall, start an on line course, do your hobby, learn a language on Duolingo , help DS with homework (even 10 minutes of one of these is enough). Remember to recognise your achievements.

Treat yourself: a bubble bath, coffee in the garden, time to read or do your hobby, a chocolate bar, flowers. It doesn’t matter what, but show yourself you’re important (even if you don’t feel it yet)

Speak to someone outside your immediate family. That could be a friend (by text or in person) or a stranger (more often in my case at times!): stop to ask a dog Walker about their dog, chat to the person on the till about the weather, even just smile and say good morning to people as you walk. It keeps you connected to the world.

if that seems a lot, start with 3 things and build up, or pick things (a cleaning task or your hobby maybe) that cover 2 of the 5 categories each.

@Howmanysleepsnow That's a great list. I will try to follow it.

Agree with goldfinch thank you. I will follow it too.

Coming back to say thanks all.
it sounds silly but I made a special effort to make my bed look nice. Clean linens, neat etc. and it did ground me through the day when I saw it. I also realised how awful the rest of the house is. I’m ashamed! How did I get so overwhelmed? I donated a box of books finally. It’s so hard to get rid of stuff even tho it’s all just Jamie Oliver cookbooks tat, I’m like,’oh it may be useful! ‘ ( when exactly?!) I also realised it’s crap for my teens to see such a tatty home.
I sort of used your check list..walked round the block.
I scared myself and called a mate, I treated myself and had a nap. I mentally let dd go. I’m definitely going to work on my hobby more. Today I was too nice to neighbour who just Did Not Stop Talking. So I’ve actually realised that was my hobby time and I chose to use it listening to her ramble. Yet it was more important for me to do my stuff than she will ever appreciate. Lesson learnt. I gave away my valuable be nice to me time. didn’t realise before but that’s what I do all the time. No wonder I’m lost.
There is still a lot of crap happening but..I may have a job interview, a chat anyway, which has lifted my spirits immensely. Someone somewhere thinks I’m capable!
thank you. I may check in if that’s ok, so I’m accountable, because it’s very easy to think it’s not worth doing this stuff.
Thank you!

Well done! And I don’t mean that in a patronising way, so hope it doesn’t come across like that.
Those are all really big steps, and that’s great news about the interview/ chat. Let us know how it goes!

So pleased to read your update, op. Wishing you all the best!

Oh my gosh, thanks guys! It’s so uplifting that you are there.

Hi, just checking in to see how it’s going! Hope you’re doing ok.

My gosh, you are nice! Thank you very much for taking the time to ask. It’s REALLY a appreciated.
I HAVE BEEN OFFERED A JOB!!!!! Had a lovely chat with the boss and she is amazing! I’m SO a chuffed! At last someone thinks I’m useful!
the house is still a tip, maybe I’ll have more motivation now! And I’ll be able to buy new blinds!!
A JOB! A real 35 hour a week job! And yes, I’m super anxious about whether I’ll be able to do it, so lots to swot up on.. but..a job!
buying you all a virtual champagne xxx

Congratulations! That’s amazing news (and don’t worry too much about the house, mine gets that way too!)

Ha, that’s nice of you howmanysleepsnow I’m not sure it’ll be quite this bad! I have a bit more motivation now as I need to get it vaguely nice for when I start. Very odd, I am actually weirded out by job offer. It’s been years of looking and Dh being cross, so the whole balance of the home will shift, obviously.
scary! But I am SO GLAD unremitting cycle of ..look for work, find nothing, get depressed, clean, look for work etc is broken.all a lot to take on😀thank you!

Agh! How do I get over anxiety.