Can you get pnd 14 years later?!

[Whoops1]

Hello, name changed for this as I feel so silly.
my dd 17 is suddenly out and about with someone a lot, call them x. who is a boy,’ tho I think they are a girl. Dd has been/ is going through the whole I’m a boy thing.
she’s been in sleepovers for the last 3 nights with x, though the other night she felt she needed to lie about being with x. I said don’t lie please, and I need to know where you are just in case.
Tonight She’s suddenly got me to sign something allowing her to go on some forest thing tomorrow. It seems her school guidance teacher has sent her to a counsellor service for the last 8 weeks or so and they are doing 3 days over 3 weeks of something in a forest.It’s all a bit vague, and she’s announced it now at 10.20 after being on sleepovers for the last 3 nights with x. She says she won’t know anyone there.
Anyway she’s now 17 and obviously can do what she likes..but I’m concerned, this day away has been sprung on me. I’m also concerned at some of the madness regarding trans stuff that’s going on atm. I’m also concerned that she’s quietly seeing a counsellor, I would much prefer it if we worked any issues out with a family therapist. I don’t know how to help her.
im also sad I guess. Her brother 13 is bored and missing her. Dh is always knackered. I’m suddenly free falling without a role. I don’t work, have been desperately looking for aeons though I seem to be unemployable. Dh always knocked whatever I did,as a job as not being good enough, said I didn’t need training or to volunteer which he now denies. but of course I’ve just got more and more lost and unemployable.
my mums got dementia and lives miles away. I’m just getting really down and lost. I got massively lost when I first had dd, there was no help and I got massive pnd. Feel like that again, as if someone’s ripped the rug away. The house is a tip as there seems to be always stuff I can’t cope with - like buying new blinds or sofas, painting a room. Endless cooking. I’ve felt anxious and depressed now, for 14 years, ever since dd was born. I’ve enjoyed having the children, but my main memories are of being overwhelmed and depressed. Im just totally lost again. I’m actually really frightened as it feels like I’ve been cast into a sea of misery, but it does actually feel like there is no bottom this time and I just don’t know how to get back to the shore.
sorry, just ..feels like everything’s falling apart and I don’t know how to deal.
Thanks for reading.

What sort of anxiety? All out panic needs facing head on- don’t avoid whatever is bringing it on, just stay in its presence and wait for the adrenaline response to pass. You can gradually trading it away.
A general undercurrent of anxiety is different, but still needs confronting to an extent. Write down your worries and acknowledge them as a first step. It helps get the triggers out of your head (you don’t need to keep running over and over your fears if they’re written down to address later in a strong moment, which means you can move past them.) It’s handy to keep a notepad by the bed for this too.
If you want to plan for worst case (and not-worst-case) scenario’s and write that down too it might help, but if not, don’t!
Keep up the walking outside, more frequently if needed. It helps burn off some adrenaline (fight or flight is the most outdated response to fear. Great if you’re worried about the dinosaur chasing you, but increased heart rate, cold sweats and churning stomach are zero use at a job interview!)
Try mindfulness and / or square breathing if they appeal to you (Google the techniques). They weren’t massively helpful to me, but lots of people swear by them.
Music. In my case, in the car while I sing along. It helps me focus my attention elsewhere and can change your mood.

If you have a 17 yr old, are you the right age to be perimenopausal?
You mentioned anxiety and that's one of the main symptoms.
But alongside that, it seems that you're taking all the right steps (both big and small) to get yourself in a better place😀

Thanks. I think there is just too much going on all the time, and I can’t cope. We seem to run into problem after problem. I feel like Dh and teens lean on me and I have no one to lean on.

Lean on us.

Thank you hiwmanysleepsnow
Im suddenly overwhelmed again, so I am off loading if you don’t mind.
Plus points..Ive been slowly getting rid of tat that I’ll never use, and cleaning the house, it’s absolutely filthy, but it is more pleasant now I’ve de spidered the bedroom. Now I can see the peeling wallpaper though! There’s still all the crap under the bed which I can’t face atm.and the awful tatty clothes I own all need chucking. Actually I can get a shirt fro M and s and tee shirts from primark. So that’s ok.

you are right that de cluttering and tidying it’s beginning to give me some semblance of capability.
Im totally anxious about new job and imposter syndrome. It’s a small team and I’ve a steep learning curve and I’m trying to learn stuff to get ready. suspect I’m scared which is making me feel exhausted.
theres so much other stuff to do too, I’m frozen in fear.
agh, can feel myself sinking again. I’ll try going for a walk in the sun like pp suggested. Maybe forcing myself to stay in and tidy/ learn and listen to whiny teen isn’t healthy!
I keep getting so far in calling docs and chickening out.
sorry to whinge but thanks for letting me dump on you ! not sure why I’m posting. I think just to know other people are out there!

Hi @Whoops1 . I definitely know the feeling of everything being overwhelming! Sounds like you’ve been doing brilliantly, just keep going one step at a time. It’s not all about getting stuff done, remember to take time to treat yourself too and to go for that walk every day. Your new job won’t expect you to hit the ground running.
When do you start?

Hi, reviving this!
I postponed my starting date - had to for personal stuff, then started job. Felt behind from the off start, so much to learn and she did want me to start running.
.

Hi! Just came across this thread again. How are things now?

Really rubbish thanks!
i screwed up job, massive anxiety. Just been to get sertraline. I don’t actually know what the point of me is!

Screwed up the job? How?
Are you still working there? If you are, you didn’t screw up.
If you aren’t, you still didn’t screw up: either the job or the timing was wrong. One step at a time OP….
And I can see the point of you, even if you can’t. You are conscientious, and you keep trying. You’re open to new things. You want to do better. And you’d never, ever, dream of being as hard on anyone else as you are on yourself!

Whoops1 - I see the point of you. You sound fragile and stressed but you are also articulate, sensitive and caring (as shown by your posts). Please keep posting.

Howmanysleepsnow - your kindness has moved me. You sound lovely too.

Thank you so much both of you. Your support means loads, I’m in bed feeling so anxious I’m sick!
I screwed up the job, I posted under a different name, about it and some lovely mns are helping me realise it just wasn’t a good fit, but oh, I really wanted to do it, but realistically I’m not sure I could have dealt with it, it was very responsible and full on, every little thing I did was spotlighted to the boss, who though lovely, seemed to pick me up on everything.I think I just didn’t fit with her way of thinking.
if I write it out, maybe I can stop blaming myself.
got the job and a week later flew to see mum, who died. Stayed for funeral and postponed start date. I should have been swatting up, but just couldn’t. Came home, house disorganised, started next day. Job disorganised, it’s all about setting something up from scratch. She knew I’d not done it before, I found it very difficult to go in all guns blazing. Felt always in the back foot. Skills I thought I had I’d got rusty at. My computer broke, I got covid.She let me go after probation.
don’t feel sensitive and caring! Feel stupid and lost. And really terrified of getting my cv out there again.

I couldn't read it all, but why do you want family therapy?! She has a right to counselling without you being there!! Teenagers rarely like to express to theor parents. Allow her counselling in privacy!

Whoops1 - you are being much too hard on yourself, and it's your low mood that makes you feel so bad about yourself. You are traumatised by all the shit stuff going on. Back to basics with self- care and baby steps. Re- read this thread. Stop beating yourself up. Keep checking in.

Actually, @Bookridden has it spot on! No one, or at least no one I’ve ever met, could have coped with everything you’ve had to cope with in the last month or two without something having to give. The job wasn’t right, and the timing wasn’t right. You, on the other hand, are doing pretty amazing @Whoops1 .
Back to the start of the thread now, see how far you’ve come. And then, baby steps…. You’ll get there.

Maybe this is a better starting point? Rather than forcing yourself to do the many things you find difficult, maybe the treatment / medication will steady you enough that you don’t find them so overwhelming?

my sister suffers anxiety, diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder. She’s been on and off medication (citalopram) for some years now, and she’s told me that not being able to cope with what should be ‘normal’ life things - work, domestic life, ups and downs with her partner, making decisions and compromises - is often a sign for her that her anxiety is ramping up and that she needs to get back on an even keel before she can successfully tackle these things. So she gets back on the medication - then can deal with the issues in a far more rational way.

Atm you are basically relying on willpower, grit, encouragement from outside to make the changes you want. All of those are hard to sustain in the long term. So maybe make treatment your first step this time.

Thanks everyone, your comments mean a lot to me.
im waking up depressed and anxious and I’m sooo tired of it.
im now on sertraline for about a week, blimey it’s hard! She’s given me diazepam as well so I’m beginning to rattle. But am beginning to feel a bit calmer, I hope.
I really hope things calm down a bit now. It’s basically anxiety since the kids were born. I made some stupid choices and haven’t forgiven myself yet.
my life is a mess and I somehow need to grab hold of it.
also massive row with Dh. Not sure why but am firmly put in my place. I’m just always running behind and am a bit crap. Have been having a ten minute meditation at lunchtime will see what else I can do.
thank you, it’s good not to feel so alone and stupid.