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Original poster

I sent a sympathy card to ex..mistake?

48 replies

ingeldadd · 26/07/2022 15:36

I won't get into too much detail but my ex (only a year ) but friends longer mum passed away two weeks ago.
He treated me awful (texting other women,gaslighting,narcissistic,twisting things,calling me a psycho ) basically everything he was but blaming me...he discarded me.
(After my mum died 3 days later he still treated me awful )

Anyway 6 months later his mum died (two weeks ago ) regardless of everything he was so close to his mum and he loved her..and I just felt so sad for him (I've lost my mum )
I sent him a card that said "to "him" I'm so sorry about your mum,it's awful and I hope your ok" from "my name "
Then after I posted it I panicked and sent him a message on messenger basically saying sorry if my card was misplaced and I shouldn't of sent it but I'm so very sorry for your loss
Please take care.

Anyway he didn't respond to the message or the card ..he has a open profile and every person who left a message he loved that comment and thanked them.
Now I know I didn't need a response but after everything he did to me he couldn't muster up a thanks or even a like of a message.
Does he hate me that much ?
He treated me awful yet I'm the one being ignored.
I know he has much more important things on his mind .

Was I out of line sending it?
After how he treated me,the insults ,the put downs and I'm still wagging my tail after him aren't I.

OP posts:
Original poster
ingeldadd · 26/07/2022 15:50

Anyone ?

OP posts:
alwaysthesmiler · 26/07/2022 15:55

I think this shows you are a very kind person and your ex is the opposite. Draw a line under it and move on and find someone who is worthy of you Daffodil

Shrewsbury247 · 26/07/2022 15:56

Sorry for your loss.
you seem a bit invested in this…. You sent a card, it was a nice thing to do… move on.
why are you obsessing? Are you wanting to rekindle your relationship?

buggeringbuggery · 26/07/2022 15:58

I really wouldn't worry, you sent it from a place of kindness and empathy.

When my Dbro died, his ex sent me a message via messenger, saying how sorry she was. They had a very acrimonious break-up, but it was still nice that she thought of him. It did take me a couple of days to respond though.

My ex's family sent my mum a card when my dad died. My ex was imprisoned due to what he did to me and our son, but still it was nice that they sent it (and he signed it too). No one responded to them; not out of any unkindness, but we were grief stricken and just never had the head space to respond.

You sent the card to show sympathy for him, not for him to acknowledge it. You did the right thing.

Lovelydovey · 26/07/2022 15:58

I don’t think you needed to send a message after but this shows that you have a kind heart and can recognise how difficult this might be for him despite you no longer being in a relationship. It’s odd that he hasn’t acknowledged it if he’s acknowledged all the others, but I’ve never expected (or given) a response to a sympathy card - at least not immediately. I don’t think I’ve ever been in the right headspace.

DelphiniumBlue · 26/07/2022 15:58

It was nice of you to send a card, and your sympathy was genuine. You've done the adult, civil thing, just leave it at that. You don't need a response.

Original poster
ingeldadd · 26/07/2022 16:00

It's because he responded to every other person who offered sympathy on his Facebook account but chose not to react to mine (which is fine obviously and his choice )
But after everything he put me through -it feels like he still is showing me I'm worthless and not worth a response

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Timetogetup123 · 26/07/2022 16:00

Be very glad that he is your ex. This is a great reminder that he us not worthy of you. Smile that you are no longer connected to this man and be thankful of the timely reminder that you should move on.

FAQs · 26/07/2022 16:00

You’re a nice person, he is a dick, his mum dying won’t change that.

Original poster
ingeldadd · 26/07/2022 16:02

I'm dating someone else and I spoke about it with them as I wanted to be upfront.
He didn't mind me sending it and he also said it was the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 26/07/2022 16:03

You did a kind thing. The only reason why you shouldn't have done it, is to protect yourself. He's not going to change, you are a hundred times better off without him, and I'm not too sure that you're remembering that. X x

purplecorkheart · 26/07/2022 16:07

The card was a nice thing to do if it was to members of his family that you got to know. Given the way he treated you I probably would not have bother.

What I don't understand is why you are still looking at his facebook etc. Delete and block him. You are not going to fully move on if you are still watching his facebook etc.

Teddeh · 26/07/2022 16:07

You weren't out of line in sending the card. It's hard to know what to write in these situations but honestly, I doubt he's judging your exact wording right now. It's impossible to say, though, because every grief, every bereavement is different.

The follow up message wasn't necessary and I think it's absolutely normal if he doesn't have the mental energy to respond (what you wrote in the message is very different from normal condolences, and seems to focus on you rather than him and probably should not have been public), but it's minor and it's done now. Stop waiting for a response. Let it go. The relationship is over and this isn't the time to expect him to acknowledge his bad behaviour.

If you think there's a larger issue FOR YOU - like that you are still overly concerned about his opinion of you, or not understanding how the relationship went so badly, or resenting how he treated you - then maybe it would be a good idea to get some counselling to help you move past the relationship and focus on your future.

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/07/2022 16:09

You are overthinking

it’s fine to send it, if he replied there would be a danger of a channel of comms opening up, which is the last thing you need.

The fact you sent a follow up message indicates you aren’t over him, as does the fact you are looking at his SM, so please delete, block and move on. Thank goodness he didn’t reply.

Original poster
ingeldadd · 26/07/2022 16:20

It's not that I'm not over him
He honestly messed with my head and made me feel crazy /worthless and this is kind of like him proving that's true (I know that probably makes no sense )

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QuattroFromagio · 26/07/2022 16:31

maybe he thinks you'd get the wrong idea if he replied to it. Or that other people might be angry with him for responding to you in public on FB when they might want to 'protect' you. Or he doesn't want people to know that you're still in contact with him for whatever reason. Maybe other people are more in touch with him on FB and he doesn't know that you still use it regularly, especially if you're not friends on there. Or maybe he doesn't even realise how open his profile is, and wouldn't think that you'd ever see that message. Maybe writing or contacting people who sent things in other ways is too raw right now.

It was kind to do it, but not something that you need a response for, so I think just try to tell yourself that one of the explanations above could just as well be true as the the one that says he's deliberately trying to mess with your mind. You never will know the real truth, so just try to remind yourself that there are lots of innocent and normal reasons for not writing anything on there or getting in touch in other ways too.

TheresNoFog · 26/07/2022 16:32

It was the other way round for me. My ex who was really awful to me at times, I ended it with him and he was really upset (stalked me for a while with threatening behavior). Quite a few years later I had a devastating bereavement in my family. Ex sent me a card through the post and I just ripped it up and binned it. People may think this as wrong but I really disliked him.

However, you weren't the horrible one in the relationship and what you did was kind. You don't know how he is feeling and bereavement does terrible things to people's mental health. I wouldn't spend any more time thinking about this. He's an ex who treated you like shit, just move on.

Heatstrokeunsteady · 26/07/2022 16:38

Just let it go. You weren’t wrong to send the card but you are wrong to expect a reaction.

Purpleavocado · 26/07/2022 16:46

I think you're a nice person, but that you're also seeking validation from him. I would advise that you cut yourself off from him, so stop following him on social media and remove him from your friends list. Don't look at his posts. If you find yourself thinking about him, deliberately change the subject in your head. No good will come of dwelling on him any longer.

DramaticSunflower · 26/07/2022 16:47

ingeldadd · 26/07/2022 16:20

It's not that I'm not over him
He honestly messed with my head and made me feel crazy /worthless and this is kind of like him proving that's true (I know that probably makes no sense )

It sounds like there was a particular reaction you wanted from him but unfortunately you didn’t get it.

it’s time to move on and leave him in the past. Remove him from your social media and then you won’t need to see who’s posts he has and hasn’t liked.

Hellocatshome · 26/07/2022 16:51

You dont send a sympathy card for a reaction you send one to express sympathy which you have done. Now move on.

easyday · 26/07/2022 16:54

Sending the card fine. Expecting acknowledgment not fine. Leave it be.

MzHz · 26/07/2022 17:00

ingeldadd · 26/07/2022 16:02

I'm dating someone else and I spoke about it with them as I wanted to be upfront.
He didn't mind me sending it and he also said it was the right thing to do.

And ALL this is the only stuff that matters

You Do You. It’s the only way you can be you is by doing what you think is the right thing

if people are ungrateful, that’s on them.

Original poster
ingeldadd · 26/07/2022 17:31

I think I just wanted him to realise I wasn't a nasty person
I do still care about him and did want to show I cared
He has obviously got a new victim now so I kinda knew he wouldn't acknowledge me...and like others have said probably good he didn't after how horrible he treated me.

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Thatsenoughnow · 26/07/2022 17:33

He's just lost his mum - his reaction isn't about you. Block him everywhere - you and he have got nothing left to say to each other.