I sent a sympathy card to ex..mistake?

[ingeldadd]

I won't get into too much detail but my ex (only a year ) but friends longer mum passed away two weeks ago.
He treated me awful (texting other women,gaslighting,narcissistic,twisting things,calling me a psycho ) basically everything he was but blaming me...he discarded me.
(After my mum died 3 days later he still treated me awful )

Anyway 6 months later his mum died (two weeks ago ) regardless of everything he was so close to his mum and he loved her..and I just felt so sad for him (I've lost my mum )
I sent him a card that said "to "him" I'm so sorry about your mum,it's awful and I hope your ok" from "my name "
Then after I posted it I panicked and sent him a message on messenger basically saying sorry if my card was misplaced and I shouldn't of sent it but I'm so very sorry for your loss
Please take care.

Anyway he didn't respond to the message or the card ..he has a open profile and every person who left a message he loved that comment and thanked them.
Now I know I didn't need a response but after everything he did to me he couldn't muster up a thanks or even a like of a message.
Does he hate me that much ?
He treated me awful yet I'm the one being ignored.
I know he has much more important things on his mind .

Was I out of line sending it?
After how he treated me,the insults ,the put downs and I'm still wagging my tail after him aren't I.

You weren’t out of line sending the card, especially if you met his Mum.

But you shouldn’t be making yourself feel vulnerable now.

You sent the card, did the decent thing, job done. Don’t look at his Fb page etc. Eyes forward, get on with your life.

I was married for 15 years divorced now , got on with in-laws ok . Fil died so sent a card to ex mil , heard nothing . My mum died , heard nothing again .

You've been the bigger person and done a nice thing. Don't expect a response. If anything no response is better as he can't play anymore mind games with you.

Regardless, you sending the card didn't show him you're not nasty. He likely knew that all along. The bottom line is that he was abusive and knew what he was doing. Don't give him anymore headspace. You don't need him to validate you. Block him on Facebook, your phone etc and focus on moving forward. You don't need to keep dead weight pulling you down / making you insecure.

I sent a card to my ex's family when his Dad died. They were very kind to me when we were together and I wanted to pay my respects.

Don't expect a response. Don't reach out again. Don't go to the funeral. Don't respond if he contacts you.

Sending the card was a nice thing to do but leave it now.

You still think this man can change. He can't and he won't.

@ingeldadd

Don't expect a response. If anything no response is better as he can't play anymore mind games with you.

Absolutely this ^^, OP. Don't invite this craziness back into your life - not even a tiny chink. That's all someone like this needs to get back in your head. 🌹

Yeah I am going to put it all behind me now
His mum passing doesn't change him and the way he treated me.

You did a nice thing. However, just because someone's mum dies doesn't mean they suddenly aren't a dick-- when they previously have always been a dick. Try to put it out of your mind now.

He messed with your head and made you believe you are not a nice person. But you put your differences aside and sent the card because...you are a nice person. You do not need him to validate that by responding. The responses on fb are about him keeping the right image in public. My guess is that none of those people really know what he is like. And the majority don't even know his mum!

@nopenotplaying yeah that's very true,think it's a select few who see the real him
His Facebook tribe don't see the real him or how nasty he can be

Exactly. It shows that you internalised every doubt, insecurity and uncertainty and he probably projected all of that on to you. Maybe he's not responding out of some idea he has that you wronged him. but you know that you haven't.
You did a kind thing and it wasn't valued, but then, that sounds like the whole relationship.

Next time it pops in to your head push it out confidently telling yourself ''well, I reacted to this news with empathy. That is who I am. It's who I'm happy to be.''.

Who he is, that's his business now.

Did he convince you that you were a nasty person? You've got nothing to prove to him.

He said I was a narcissist (I said I believed he was )
He said I wasn't a decent person,and I needed to change my behaviour
This was always when I questioned things he said (showed proof he was lying ) he would flip it around
He would gaslight me daily

He treated you like crap when you were together because he didn't care or respect you. He still doesn't!
move on, block him. forget about him. he obviously didn't bring anything good to your life, so no need to keep in contact with him.

I agree with this.

There's nothing wrong with reaching out to someone after such a difficult time, however, just leave it at that. You did a kind thing. Try not to read into it too much ♥️

You're a nicer Person than he is. You've sent the card/message now, so block him.

When I read this, I thought that you were going to say that you regretted sending him an open line whereby he would feel that he could contact you again.

You’ve dodged starting up some kind of communications, I’d take that as a good thing!

You sent a card that was supposedly about expressing sympathy for his mother's death.

But as you've said yourself, your real motivation was to change his mind about you and whether you're a nasty or nice person.

This isn't about you. It's a bit shit to try to use someone's mother's death to force them to focus on what a good person you are.

He sounds vile and abusive. Block him now. He’s still occupying too much of your head.

I wouldn't have even bothered sending a card, he doesn't even deserve your sympathy.

He does sound like a narc, they will often project everything onto you and you will be their scapegoat. The definition of insanity though is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. There is no use in keep being nice to him and hoping that he sees your niceness. He cant, he won't because in his head you are the devil incarnate - and by posting on his facebook you are just giving him more ways to make you feel bad. You need to cut this off properly, block him on everything and don't have anymore to do with him. You know who he is even if others have yet to see through the pretence, don't give him any more headspace.

You sent a card because of who you are.

It isn't usual to acknowledge sympathy cards I don't think?

But if he hasn't acknowledged it because he's being a dick, then that's who he is.

It wasn't wrong to send it. The additional message was unnecessary.

Leave it now and move on.