Devastating news at 12 week scan

[Riviera16]

Hi all,

I can’t sleep as I have woken up in tears so need a bit of hand holding.
Yesterday my partner and I went for our 12 week scan, we originally went 2 weeks ago but were told baby was measuring a bit small so that we would have to return.
Unfortunately we have now found out that our baby has several deformities and that we can’t continue with the pregnancy.I am devastated. I now have to choose between delivering the baby or having a surgical abortion.
We live aboard and might have to wait up to 7/10 days to even get an appointment.
My head is a mess and I just feel so sad. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and can advise between the two options?

I can’t offer any advice but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’ve had such devastating news.

So sorry to read your post....what a horrible and distressing time for you .
No advice...but didn't want to read and not say something.
Wide awake too in England

No advice I'm afraid as I've not been in your situation,hopefully someone helpful will come along.
So sorry this has happened💐

@Riviera16 I don’t have any advice I’m afraid but I couldn’t just read and run. I’m so incredibly sorry that you’re going through this 💐I’m sure others will be along soon with some practical advice.

No experience, but I am so sorry that you are going through this 💐

Thank you for the kind messages x

Hi OP. I’ve been through this but at a later stage (we found out at our anatomy scan that my son was not going to survive). I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had a ‘compassionate induction’ - i.e. labour and delivery. It was physically hard but emotionally very healing to meet my baby and say goodbye. I haven’t had a surgical abortion so I cannot offer you that perspective but I understand it’s a shorter process and you feel less physical discomfort. Sending you so much love - this is an incredibly heartbreaking situation and whatever you choose, you are so strong. It’s been 3 years since my TFMR and I remember my boy every day.

The charity ARC is a wonderful resource for this. They are UK-based but will still be happy to support you from afar.

ARC - Antenatal Results and Choices

I'm so sorry to read your news op. Not quite the same situation but I had a missed mc at 12 weeks and opted for surgical management, samples were sent off for testing which gave me useful information about what had caused it to happen. Personally I would most for that again as friends I know who went the other way faced weeks of waiting for things to pass.

Hello OP
I had a termination at around 13 weeks after discovering our baby had anencephaly. Unfortunately we had a 2 week family holiday booked between finding out and the surgery, which was difficult.
I needed a follow up procedure to remove retained products (weird term) - I had a couple of episodes of extreme flooding and in the end my mil took me to a&e.
I wish I could advise you what to do, sending virtual hugs, it's a very difficult time

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Like a PP, I had a missed miscarriage at about 9 weeks and also opted for the surgical route. I wanted it over and done with and didn't want to be conscious for it. It's a personal choice, but I'm glad I did what I did.

I’m so sorry

@Kamia what a cruel post.

OP, I don’t have any experience with this but I’m sending you love and strength.

I am so sorry op. 💐💐💐

I am so sorry for your loss 💐I had a missed missed carriage a few years ago and opted for tablets.i ended up haemorraging and needed an emergency d&c with no pain relief. I also had retained tissue which caused a few issues. If ever faced with the choice again I would have chosen surgery.

@Kamia That is an unacceptable thing to say to someone whose baby has been diagnosed with fatal anomalies. She will have been checked and rechecked by several medical professionals without asking for a ‘second opinion’, that’s exactly how these things work. People whose babies turn out healthy have not been given a fatal diagnosis, no matter what they say to you as friends (although I seriously struggle to believe that you have “so many” friends and family that this has apparently happened to). Stories online of this stuff happening are often posted by anti-abortion groups posing as members of the general public. Fatal diagnoses are not given out without an extreme level of testing and validation.

I had a very similar experience to Wanda. On the advice of nurse in the EPU i waited for 2 weeks to see if the miscarriage would occur naturally, it didn't & i ended up needing both medication & a D&C to complete things. Whole process took over a month & i found not knowing what exactly was going to happen & when very difficult.
I think in your shoes, as you have found out at an early stage, i would opt for abortion. I'm so sorry OP, it's an awful situation to be in.
Sending love & strength

I think PP are a little confused here - there is no indication that a miscarriage will happen from the OP. When your baby is diagnosed with anomalies, you are given the choice of either carrying to full term, having a compassionate induction which is a controlled miscarriage (so will not take a long time, usually the process is completed within 48 hours to avoid the mother becoming unwell) or having a surgical termination (D&C) which may mean a wait for surgery but the procedure itself will be finished very quickly. I believe OP is just needing help to choose between induction or D&C.

I am very sorry for all the losses on this thread 💜

I’m so sorry Op.

I had an 11 week natural miscarriage at home and then 2 d&c surgeries for miscarriages around 10-11 weeks. I’d personally prioritise what was soonest available but ideally surgery as it was just fast and all over with quickly and I could get home.

But please take your time to get all the available information on what’s right for you and your health and headspace. I don’t know if it’s worth asking the doctor for any cancellation or other hospitals you can go to - being a little pushy if you need to be. Or any counselling depending on where you are based.

So sorry for your sad news.

I had a very late termination at 26 weeks for similar reasons, our baby was incompatible with life. To this day I’m grateful for the technology that allowed her passing to be pain free and instant, had we gone to full term she’d have really suffered.

Ignore the person who said there might be a mistake, the scanning technology is absolutely bang on and they check several times. We opted for a postmortem and I was so scared they’d made a mistake, they hadn’t, in fact it was worse than they said.

Its an utterly heartbreaking time but you will get through this. Nature is random and things do sometimes go wrong, so please remember it’s nothing you’ve done.

I will always be sad about our baby but have got a strapping 13yo and a gorgeous 8yo and feel lucky that we were able to go on to have two healthy, wonderful children.

We had a missed miscarriage and found out at the 12 week scan, which was closer to 13 weeks. I opted for medication and passed after the first pill. No retained tissue. Still went through contractions but for me it was definitely the right choice. Surgery felt too invasive and waiting it out was an impossibility as my body still thought it was pregnant and there was no telling when a miscarriage would have triggered.

I’m so sorry for your loss. You never forget, but time does help. I would have been 34 weeks this week 💔

I'm so sorry for you. That must be devastating. Hope you can get over it in time.